Blended Families

Dear readers,  Thank you for tuning into another of my videos from my YouTube channel, Conversations with J. R. Floyd.  In this video I have the pleasure of interviewing a wonderful sister, friend, wife, mother, and minister. Ms. Ty’East Bobb will give her view on how to have a successful  blended family.

 

 

 

 

Self Reflection

Interview with J. R. Floyd

A moment of Love

Dear readers, I thought that this was worth sharing.

Don’t be afraid to show you care. Last Sunday a sister friend walked up to me gave me a hug and said, ” I want you to know I love you.” she touched my heart and lifted my broken spirit. When people are experiencing hardships they don’t need pity, anger or for you to take sides. Let them know you love them by showing love. Today, I am thankful for the love passed onto me from my sister Ty’ East Bobb💕💕💕💕💕 I will remember that moment for the rest of my life.

The Care is Self Care

Dear readers,   we are living in a society were self -care frowned upon the myth is that if you are taking time to care for self, than you are robbing your partner or children of you. So, little by little you give up the things  you enjoy. Take a look at my video and  get back to Doing you. Remember a happy partner is a happy relationship.

 

The Mission

Dear readers, This post is longer than my usual  250-300 words.  Let me refresh your memory.  If you’ve been following  my blog or watch my videos I’ve been taking about relationships and the ending of my 90 day engagement. Now, hold on before you get teary eye and start mourning  my lose. It was good that I got out when I did. I refused to remain in a relationship that does not value me. So, I decided to go on a 90 day journey to refocus my life, and get healthy mentally and physically.  when the journal is completed I will publish it. My mission is to help people understand that starting over, is not the end of having a good life, go through the process of learning how to not just move on, but to create a new life while working through their pain.  One suggest, please stay away from people who want to help you throw a pity party. This is not about being a victim. This new life is about thriving.

Day 1, August 27, 2018. I did not go into this 90-day plan thinking that the storm was over just because mt relationship ended, and the universe would cut me some slack. Ha! I arrived at work fresh and ready to get back into my groove. Not a chance I was met with this memo: short version the department has decided to cut my hours. I had an immediate melt down in front of everyone. Long story short after spending most of the workday going from one office to the next, another department was more than happy to restore my hours. Instead of me taking a step back and breath I ate a muffin. Oh well. Tomorrow is Gym Day…. 8:30 P.M. the day is done and all I want to do was make it home. Upon leaving I discovered that a long-time co-worker and friend had retired and soon after died.  Again, for the second time tears flowed. I knew this person for 15 years, he was kind, funny, had a great smile, and could tell funny jokes. I boarded the train and could not wait to get home and bury my face in my pillow and cry. 89 days to go.

Day 2, August 28, 8:15 A.M. I left the house early; I walked the 10 blocks to the train station I need to lose the extra flab. I looked at myself in the full-length mirror on my bathroom wall. I wish I could have ripped it off, not the fat the mirror. I felt disgusted I thought about all the time I wasted not going to the gym, so that I could spend time with HIM. Oops. This is what we do, after a break up; we look for every moment to revert to past memoirs. We want to blame the other person because of the pain, anger, rage; we want our feelings validated. The truth is that I could have found the time to go to the gym. I did not have  to eat the bread, muffins, and the delicious unhealthy fried foods. I lost my commitment to me; I lacked the discipline and drive to push myself. Being in a relationship does not give anyone permission to slack. So, each day until the weather turns cold.  I will walk the 10-12 blocks every time I have to ride the train.

Day 3, August 29, Day off, I slept late and wanted to stay in bed, it would be easy to stay in bed, closed up in my room. No, I will not allow the ghost of depression to take my soul hostage. I could use the weather as an excuse it is 94 degrees. I put on a skimpy dress, put my hair up, got a bottle of water, and took a slow walk to the train station. Dunkin Donuts was my savior, ice coffee never tasted so good. I set out to visit May, my former hair stylist. I found her book an appointment. Now, what do I do with the rest of my day. I took the bus to 125^th street, I hopped from store to store soaking up the air condition. Brought some much-needed hair products, two pairs of slacks and eat some healthy fast food, and headed home. On the walk back from the train station I give in two stops from home I took the bus. I had enough of punishing in the heat for being lazy and gaining weight.

P.S. I have not begun the search for a therapist.

Day 4, August 30, today was the best day of the week. I am slowly making peace with the distance I travel to work and church. Good news, I am moving to a bigger space within the house this means I can some of my personal belongings out of storage. I cannot wait to sit at my desk and get my groove back. I sent HIM the letter that I had prepared a month ago before the breakup. It does not matter whether he reads it, or if he reads the letter and ignores the content, what is important to me is that I addressed the elephant in the room. The truth is that I emotionally checked out the moment he told me that I had to choose between advancing my teaching career by wanting to teach overseas and being his wife. It was only a matter time.

So tell me how am I doing thus far?

The Soul of a new writer…..

Ladies, what would you do if your husbands side chick came knocking at your door? Get ready for a twisted love triangle, The Bond & the Legacy, by J. R. Floyd

In the meantime, enjoying reading , The Waiting Game and A Different Flavor of Love, J. R. Floyd

 

The wait is over the choice is yours.

STAY With Me

Dear Reader,

Commitment, promise, obligation, assurance or pledge, these are a few words that people use when they desire their partner to COMMIT to being involved in an exclusive relationship. To counteract this request men and women will come up with the most creative excuse as to why they do not want to seal the deal so to speak. In these modern times, developing a long-lasting partnership is becoming increasingly difficult to establish. The rules of partnership have changed because people want to test drive a relationship or want a trial period. Here are some facts people have been burnt, hurt, scorned, used, broken, and in some cases emotionally damaged beyond repair. Deep down inside we all desire to have a good, stable partnership, in my own personal opinion and experience relationships do not have to be as dramatic as some people make them. It is disparaging that we live in a society that seldom supports healthy relationships why? We are not creating an environment of support rather we turn our heads and pretend not to notice that couples, especially young couples are struggling with the basic knowledge of how to nurture each other and cultivate a solid foundation for their relationship. We live in a society where the means to fix a broken relationship is for each person to engage in relationships outside of their partnership, getting their needs meet because they claim that they are not receiving what they need from home. We have advanced into using any means necessary to avoid going home. Men calming they are working late and women take on projects that will keep them away from home. Better yet, one partner works in the daytime while the other works at night calming that this is the best solution for the children. There are hundreds if not thousands of books and article written by professional who claim to have a remedy to restore these damaged relationships. Maybe some of their suggestion and research-based solution might work for some, in the meantime, all of this dysfunction, drama and avoidance in relationships is all due to one simple word COMMIT.

What Say You?

Babe We Need To Talk. Uh Oh

Dear readers,

For some people expressing their feelings verbally is a difficult task. Question. What do you do in a relationship where the lack of communication might be the key to reviving a dying relationship. 💕

 

90 days let the newness begin.

Dear Friends,

I did not start out looking for a husband I was committed to being single. I was comfortable with my ONENESS. I did not consider myself lonely and I was not afraid to be with ME. Out of frustration I made the decision to give up dating and my search for Mr.…… Two years into my self-imposed isolation I was happy to go to a peaceful home after long days of toiling at work and fighting the grind of riding public transportation. A benefit of living alone is having the space and leisure to do as one please, and besides my boxer jo-jo I enjoyed not being responsible for another person besides Jo-jo.  Two years turned into three and so on.

In my seventh year of being with ME I had drafted three manuscripts, two that I self-published, joined a classical chorus, acquired a second part time job, and finally started the process to complete my master’s in education. Life was GOOD. I was so busy being busy that I did not pay attention to the train wreck that was going to derail me from my mission as a writer and educator, take away my peace, and cause me deep emotional damage, and by the time I emerged from the darkness of the twisted wreckage; I would be lift with the task of rebuilding my life one part at a time. The result I am back in therapy.

This time around I needed to do more than heal my heart and soul from being broken and abandon. I need to step in the room of recovery and address my pain give this pain a name stare it in the face and have a conversation with it. I begin by saying that I was not looking for a husband because I never made it passed the engagement stage. My prince charming wooed me for a year. During our courtship he showed me the person who he needed to be. His true self reared its ugly head the moment I moved into his place. He transformed into a moody, clingy, needy, overbearing, insecure, NAG. He laid down the law by preaching to me about the type of wife he wanted me to be. He made it clear under no circumstances did he see how I could balance both being a wife and continuing with my teaching career, and my hobby as a writer. blogger, classical singer and finding time to keep up with my YouTube channel. This coming from the same man that while living under separate roofs supported me and besides my son became my greatest cheering section. He wanted me to choose. I stayed 90 days. I stayed because I thought that I was living through a short nightmare and that I would wake up. No. This was no nightmare, what I was living through was real.

I left because I could not stay in a relationship that does not value and support me. I am starting over again, but this time is going to be different. I will not sweep my feelings under the rug and just move on. I will address my pain and confusion and address the things that I’ve ignored in my life and heal those parts of me that are still hiding and hurting.

What say you?

This was just part of my story I am not going bore you with all the details that truly lead to write this handbook. While there are millions of self-help books and guides on the market, but how many of them really help people to take a deeper look into how to survives and revive your life after the devastation brought on by the end of a relationship/marriage. We are talking about people who have invested years of emotions, money, and time. Many have raised children fought through infidelity, maybe a death of a spouse, or those who have been married a second and for that marriage to fail. When a relationship is ending we spend so much time and energy being angry and fighting that when the final chapter closes very few people know how to begin again. On August 24, 2018, after a year of wooing me and a 90-day engagement I decided to leave. Normally, I could bounce back and move forward, but the ending of this relationship made me understand that something was different about this ending. I had to do more then just push past my emotions keep my head up and keep moving.

I took a full look at myself in the mirror and found it difficult to recognize me, my appearance changed drastically over a year and I wasn’t happy at the person looking back at me. I let myself go because I was too busy trying keep up with two jobs, church duties, and saying yes to all the other stuff that we tend to cram into an already hectic schedule, all this while trying to be all that I can be for the relationship.

After the break up I had to relocate a distance from the city because I could afford to pay the rent. I was angry because he got to stay, and I had to bear the expense of moving again. But as I grew use to my new surrounding that came with complete quiet and a running track right next to me I began to walk that track and the hill that the track was built on and that when I got the idea. 90 days, even though I said that I was going to take a year to slow down and refocus my life, take 90 days to jump start this process.

Some people go out and have a complete make over hoping that the instead change in appearance will help them work through the pain. There are those who go in the opposite directions they close themselves off from the world, they eat, or drink only to end up in an addiction program. Because most people cannot deal with how to pick up their lives, not for the sake of moving on, but to completely rebuild their lives better, not to prove that they can survive to their exes, but to be better for themselves.

What I am proposing is 90 days of intense focusing on areas that have been neglected. The emphasis should be on self-care start by reevaluating health, consider therapy not just to talk about the feelings of ending the relationship, but how to be a better you, and most importantly slowing down. When I was alone with my thoughts I realized that I was so busy being busy that I was not paying attention. I welcome slowing down, cutting the extra hours at work to make time for therapy, my women’s’ group, and to journal. I truly hope that when you reach the end of your 90 days that you feel emotionally stronger better, be on a healthier physically, have mental clarity, and emerge with a new direction and be prepared to live.

During this journey I will journal as much as I can about day to day my experience. I have neglected my health during the entire year that I’ve allowed myself to be distracted. I am going to put great effort into a 90-day vegan diet. In addition to clean eating I will return to exercise, I use to enjoy walking, going to the gym, yoga, and playing tennis. What happened is that the mistake that many we make is that we sacrifice the areas of our life that brings us happiness for the sake of the relationship. In my case my partner purposely interfered with my schedule. The lesson I learned from that is that I have to stand my ground when it comes down to doing the activities that are important. Another change instead of my weekly to do list, I will reduce all extra activities, and make my weekly list meaningful and productive.

Finally, I spoke about distraction, I got caught off guard I should have been paying attention to the warning sign that my ex was given off. Being busy cost me a lot, during these 90 days, social media will be used only for updating my blog. I will hold myself accountable for keeping the journal entries as current as possible. So, with that said let the journey begin.

Day one, August 27, 2018. I did not go into this 90-day plan thinking that the storm was over, and the universe would cut me some slack. Ha! I arrived at work fresh and ready to get back into my groove. I was thinking the only thing I need now is to get back on track with work. Not that I am going to use work as a distraction, but I was eager to get back to teaching. I was meet with this memo: short version the department has decided that they would cut my hours. I had an immediate melt down in front of everyone. Long story short after spending most of the work day going from one office to the next, another department was more than happy to restore my hours. Instead of me taking a step back and breath I ate a muffin. Oh well.  Tomorrow Gym Day.

8:30pm, the day is done and all I want to do is make it home. Upon leaving my place of employment I discovered that a long-time co-worker and friend had retired and soon after passed away. Again, for the second time tears flowed. I knew this person for 15 years, he was the kind, funny, a great smile and he could tell some funny jokes. I boarded the train and couldn’t wait to get home and bury my face in my pillow and cry. 89 more days to go.