A Saturday Reflection

Dear Readers,

In an ideal world I would have loved to wake up to the warm body of the man I love and a breakfast tray brought to my bed. I grind hard and would enjoy spending this perfect cozy, lazy Saturday with my partner who appreciates me and the effort I put into life and making our partnership a priority. Unfortunately, we don’t live in an ideal world. I woke up along, but praise God for the warm bed and roof over my head. I made my own breakfast tray and enjoy resting in bed before heading out to complete the business of the day. Life would be made easier with a help mate who truly understand that a relationship is a partnership with a balance of two people sharing the daily tasks of life. I am blessed that I am able to take care of myself, but this isn’t the way the creature planned for a man and woman to be alone. Most people like myself choose singleness over settling . I haven’t given up on love I choose to love me and wait until the man who is truly right for me to enters my life. Love yourself you are worth it💖

Let the truth be told

Let the truth be told. 

 

People  say that we are  the sum of our experiences. But what happens when the majority of your experiences have lead to a traumatic life?  My childhood was a combination of fear and punishment. Children look to their parents for protection, love, guidance, and  assurance. I was raised in a house with eight siblings and I felt neglected and abandoned by a mother who was busy with kids and housework. My father was not a warm and  loving father he ruled his house with an ironic fist keeping his family in check was his main goal. The fun times in my house where very few due to my father allowing religion to be the center of our lives. One of the major mistakes my parents made was that they didn’t teach their children about the true facts of life. My mother was busy turning  me into a domestic diva making sure that I didn’t have time to be a child, teen nor did she help me with my transition into womanhood. 

At the age of 17, I was desperate to get away from home so I gave  my virginity to the first boy who said he ” loved me” this lead to years of yearning for the need to be loved,  protected, cherished, provided for, and to feel that I mattered. Not such luck. Just like my childhood in my relationships I was abused, confused, ashamed, neglected, made to feel worthless, undeserving and invisible. My family watched while my life was devastated  by relationships after relationships. I experienced being put out in the street by live in boyfriends, infidelity, and foolishly being financially responsible for some of the men in my life because I didn’t know better. 

The years of searching for a place to belong was tremendously painful. Walking through life and never feeling secure that at least one person had my  back. I put my trust in the wrong people and I made poor relationship choices. I spent eight years in therapy, yoga, meditation, disciplined eating, education……blah, blah only to be haunted with a heavy feeling of emptiness. People tell me that I should be proud of all that I have accomplished. I am told that I am strong, creative, intelligent, beautiful, energetic, and powerful. I have fallen more times then I care to count. Each time pulled myself up using my strength, creativity, intelligence, and energy. During the most stressful events in my life, I have had minimal support from family, but thank God for a few die hard friends. 

I recently began to understand why I disliked the men from my past relationships. Due to my lack of relationship knowledge and experience I opened myself to be stepped on like a doormat and used like a pit stop. None of the men in my past had the decency to have mercy on me, so they took advantage of my lack of experience. So,  part of my new healing process is to hold them accountable instead of me shouldering all the blame. To the men from my past please remember a woman gave birth to you, you have sisters, aunts, and daughters, shame on you for mistreating women. I am moving forward healing myself of the pain you caused me. This time around I know what I am healing from and why.

To my deceased father and living mother I no longer wish to take responsibility and carry around the shame for what you didn’t teach me. It was your duty as parents to share vital information about the dangers of this world.  I know that you couldn’t protect me from every bad wolf, but you could have at least warned me before you just pushed me out into the dark abyss. I am going to dig deep and heal from my lost innocence. 

To all the people who have betrayed me. I am moving on with the awareness that I can’t go through life shielding myself by staying behind the walls of my cocoon. I know everyone is not out to get me, but I will move with caution. To all the people that I caused pain with my words or deeds,  I seek your forgiveness, whether you want to grant me pardon doesn’t matter because I am not that person anymore. 

2020, will be the start of true healing. I know the work I have to do and I

I am ready. I will love myself  unconditionally, I will protect, provided, have my back, keep promises to self,  engage in activities that bring me joy, and build towards my future. For my future friends and husband, when you cross through the threshold into my life please be aware that if your not truthful, trustworthy,  have honorable intentions, willing to respect, love, honor, have my back, be my ride or die, protect, support, show compassion and just be authentic with your intention, I am reminding you that I am emotionally better, mentally aware and most importantly I am paying attention. 

My hope is that for every person who reads this to sit down to write a letter to self,  and talk to the people who have caused you pain, read the letter out loud, burn it and heal. Your happiness matters. 

 

 

my journey back

Dear Readers,

My journey back.
I spent a lot of time confused as to why I couldn’t bounce back. Two years ago I almost found myself on the edge of being homeless. The events in life that you think couldn’t happen to you like, unemployment, illness, homelessness, no saving, and worst the people who declared and sworn their undying loyalty to you, when the shit hit the fan they were out of sight out of mind. You wake up in the middle of the night and it finally hits you. Your alone. Alone in the battle to reset and regain your life.

How do you do this?

I had a plan my journey began when I was 30. I broke away from an abusive marriage, received much needed therapy, and I though the ghosts from my past were gone. I was wrong. I wasn’t paying attention. I didn’t learn anything. I didn’t stay focused on me or my goals. I made the to do lists, made plans to do better and be better, but year after year I failed. I failed because my major distraction was running after relationships that I wasn’t ready for or men who just wasn’t good for me. I am not placing blame on the men they were doing what men do take what’s being offered to them. When I think about how I suffered through year after year in unless relationships, my heart cringe.
Mistake number two not making me the number one priority. I spread myself too thin trying to play super women. I gave so much of my precious time to people who are no longer in my life because I was just a means to their end. I was busy being a savior. I gave away money that I should have saved for a rainy day. I was too trusting of people who claimed me as their ” friend” for most of my life I have been blinded sided by these so called ” friends”. Paying attention has never been my strongest trait. Its taken me from the age of 18 until 50 for the light bulb to come on in my head. Currently, I am 55 and the last five years of my life have been about me finally letting go of what hasn’t worked in my life. The toughest part of this new journey loosing my apartment and the fear of not knowing. In one year I moved 4 times, each move I lost personal items, money and time. My last stupid mistake believing that I had finally found the one. Not. He was the straw that literally broken the camels back.

I have suffered through childhood trauma, being a single teenage mother, and becoming a high school drop out. I spent one year on the welfare system before I gave up and got my first job as a home health aide, and  I survived 7 years of an abusive marriage. When I fought for my independent I did not understand that independence comes with a price. When a women desire to walk the road less traveled she become an outcast. I worked my way through college it took ten years complete three degrees. During this time I barely kept my head above water, and I experienced some of the worst relationships. What devastated me the most was the lack of love, compassion and support I needed from my family. July 2017, I lost my apartment at the same time I published my first novel a short memoir, followed by a short story. I had no idea that there was a writer inside of me. I turned to writing as a means to escape the pain of feeling unloved and abandoned. I auditioned for a classical chorus and with dedication and practice, practice, practice June 2019, I performed at Carnegie Hall. I created a YouTube channel Conversations with J. R. Floyd, a forum where I talk about relationship issues and everyday life problems that effect our ability to be who we truly are. I kept writing as a result I have two more books to be published in 2020.

In the last three years I have paid attention to old patterns that keep me trapped in cycles of being unproductive and distracted. Now I am the number one priority. And I am happy that I took the time to understand why my relationship weren’t successful. Its feels amazing to finally have my feet planted on firm ground. While on this journey back I reflect on something Virginia Woolf once said as she described the conditions necessary for a woman to unleash her full potential: privacy (a “room of one’s own”), and money (self-sufficiency). Woolf argues that, if women are to explore their potential, they must be allowed to pursue these basic necessities. In my case my own space.

December 1, construction of my new living space will begin and move in day is December 28, just in time to pop the Champaign and celebrate my new beginning with a new year ( 2020) . . I have opted to have a roommate living alone doesn’t appeal to me now that I am aging and my roommate is a perfect fit. This journey back has been difficult, scary, enlightening, stressful, disappointing set backs, tearful, hopeless, feelings of brokenness, confusion, and there were days that I just couldn’t understand why?
I am moving forward with the smell of fresh paint, new carpet, every single piece of furniture is new and I can’t wait to be back in my own kitchen. I decided that I will settle in for a while before I open the doors to invite people in. I am thinking Spring will be a good time to cook a family dinner and open the doors to my new space. Moving forward with the information I have learned I have 5 years until retirement. I will continue on my path of emotional healing, spiritual balance and immerse myself in my mental and physical well being. I have plans to spend my 56th birthday in Vegas, and I have two more trips planned for 2020. And for my retirement finale I am building a tiny house. Please believe the saying, ” life is what you make it”. This half of my life is certainly going to be my best life.
Thank you for taking the journey with me.

Fitness make over up date

Dear Readers,

Day 15th day, of my 90 day fitness  make over. Its been a challenge to stay focus. So here what I have committed to; 3 days gym for a 1 hour cardio work out. Yoga on Saturday morning, Friday morning Cassy Ho”s creator of  pop Pilates 5 minutes thigh work out. I am working  decreasing the snacks and sugar in take. I have increased water in take to 32 oz per day. I checked with my doctor and I am on a great vitamin regimen. Yes, I do believe in the combination of good eating and supplements. Each day I make healthy choices for lunch and dinner and Breakfast  a protein shake or oatmeal.
My body aches, no my body hurts😊 from the workout, but I know it from a lack of using my muscles and stretching.
I am sleeping better and have better energy
I didn’t weigh myself because I don’t want this to turn into a numbers game.
This 90 days is about a serious commitment to a life style change.
See you in fifteen days.

November 5, 2019

November 15th

The Healing process

Dear Readers,

A part of the healing process is to acknowledge when your overwhelmed by the emotions your working through. Creating a daily routine keeps you busy and sometime you can get lost in begin busy that you don’t pay attention to the emotions and the grief that eventually will caught up with you. I spent this past year focusing on pushing my brand ” Conversations with J. R. Floyd” I wrote a third book, created a new website, appear live on Facebook, and kept my you tube channel current. I  journal, read books, and watched 100ths of motivational speakers. I fasted and prayed, but I wouldn’t allow myself to cry because I felt this would show weakness. Today, is the day that my strong shoulders became weak, the emotions caught up to me and I finally had that cry. It is a relief to acknowledge what I feel and what I have been busy running from. So, now it is time for me to step back from my brand and focus on my emotional and physical health and the fact that I am going to make a career change in 2020. Thank you for your support. I will be back. 💖

Moderation Versus Balance

 

Dear readers,

They say moderation, I say, there should be balance in all areas of life. I am 7 days into a 90 day fitness make over. No this isn’t a new years resolution.This is about life. Let me explain. August 2019 I celebrate an entire year of healing emotionally and spiritually. This path to healing began with 90 days of reflection, discovery and renewal through intense journaling, lots of quite time, reading self help books, listening and watching motivational speakers. During this healing process I discovered that I had never given myself over to such an intense path, can you image an entire year of focusing on self? It’s been very rewarding.

Recently, I began to notice that moderation isn’t my problem my new struggle is balance. I sat down and designed a pie chart of my life and discovered that I am lacking in the areas of socialization and health and fitness. What happened or is happening to me I allowed life to get in the way of my balance. I suffer from the awareness of how focusing on one or two areas of life can cause others areas to suffer. At the age of 55 I am 25 pounds overweight, and if I continue on this path it can be a dangerous one because high blood pressure and diabetes run strong in my family, and by the grace of God I have been luck, but I can’t live on luck forever.

This isn’t about weighing myself and playing the number game because my journey towards a fitness make over becomes about the numbers on a scale and not about overall health.
Looking at myself from a few years ago, I use to be a discipline eater, runner and love the game of tennis. But over time the trials of life beat me down. I made excuses why I could not find time to workout. I confess I am a snacker I love all things crunchy and salty. As for my sweet tooth donuts is my drug of choice.
I don’t enjoy being winded when I walk up stairs.
I don’t enjoy having to wear a double spanx under my clothing or ram shacking my wardrobe to find something to hide the imperfections for my love of eating greasy fried foods and donuts.

When I look at myself in pictures I cringe. I make no apologies I understand we live in a society that is pushing for acceptance, meaning love you as you are. I can’t support this idea if its going to lead to me ignoring my expanding waistline, the threat of heart decease, high blood pressure, diabetes, join and pain problems from being overweight.
Moving forward….today is day 7, and although its only been a short period of time, OMG the struggle is Deep.
I have committed myself to three days of 1 hour cardio and 1 days of yoga. My water intake is 32 oz daily, and. I have trimmed the snacking and sugar intake. The toughest adjustments are the portion control and working through the soreness. So join me on my website:  http://www.conversationswithjrfloyd.com/ my 15 day update complete with pictures. I hope I can inspire you to make a pie chart of your life and see what areas are out of balance.

 

 

 

Thank you for stopping by Dragthepen

http://www.conversationswithjrfloyd.com/

 

Word Wall 5

Dear Readers, 

Scary, meaningful, belief, purpose, bashful, imagination, third eye, power, story telling, pen, canvas

Life can be scary without meaningful beliefs and purpose. Imagination powers our third eye the pen creating stories we painted on canvas., and there is no time to be bashful.

What Say You?

 

Dry Spells, the Myth

Dear Readers,

Ladies and gentlemen todays topic is the myth of the ” Dry Spell”. This is the label give to the period between relationships and it’s mostly directed towards women. Ladies there is no dry spell.  First, why are so many women running backs and forth between so many relationship and situationships that’s not working? Second, aren’t you drained from all of the mental, physical and financial  stress and drama  brought on from being in the wrong relationship?

Getting back to the subject of ” Dry Spell” ladies think about how many times you’ve verbalized being depressed, stressed, frustrated, confused, sad, unhappy, drained, only to hear this feed back ” what you need is to relieves your pinned up emotions  by having sex” the world seems that we only run on two modes, need sex or having out menstrual cycle. Why are women being told to solve their emotional distress and other life problems  by having sex?

Why are we supporting women especially,  young girls, to go out and  give their bodies away?

Watch my latest video and let me here from you?

Story-time

Dear readers, please excuse me I posted part two of this story and forgot part one. ENJOY

 

The Prince and the Empress

King Leopold Edward Nenufar of the Slopheovaia kingdom is old and in poor health. The time has come for Prince Christian Edward Nenufar to marry. He is the only heir to the throne. Prince Christian desired to have a union like the one his parents’ had. Their marriage was forged out of love, not out of a call to duty.  While growing up in the palace, he witnessed his parent’s admiration for each other. When his mother, Queen Camila Nenufar died while giving birth to a second child, a girl, who also perished, his father almost ceased to live.  After many years, the Kings royal council pleaded with him to take another wife; He refused, the King said, “I had his one true love.”  This is the story of how Prince Christian Nenufar found his one true love.

Part 1:The encounter

Prince Christian shut himself in his bedchamber. He is weary from the activities at court. Women had come from eight different kingdoms to be presented as his brides. He disliked that these women wanted to marry him for the title and to live a comfortable life at court. Prince Christian sat by the window looks over the room he has lived in since childhood. Overtime the color of the walls changed from a light powered blue to a darker royal blue to reflect the mature status of a Prince. The room contains the Mahoney writing table, a gift from his grandfather. His bed is not the traditional canopy style; instead, he sleeps in an open Juliet four-posted bed. He looks down at the dark blue and gray Persian rug, and memories of rolling around with his playmate Lanceworth flash through his mind. He lets out a heavy sigh because he would be moved to his father’s room, the kings’ chambers, after his marriage, leaving all of these memories behind and creating new ones. Opening the curtains, he looks out over the garden.

He saw her in the palace garden among the rows of roses.  Her long black curly hair enchanted him as it shined in the sunlight like the stars at night.

He watched her moving around bending, placing her nose against the bud of each rose; her hair fell guarding her face. She walked like a goddess, and wore a pale blue gown with a long white train that floated like a cloud behind her.

He scrutinized her slender and delicate hands as she touched each rose with the gentleness of a mother’s love.

His thoughts are interrupted by the call of his manservant Lanceworth.  Prince Christian pointed towards the women in the garden, and asked, “Who is she?”

Lanceworth sighed, “I am sorry my prince, I know not this maiden.”

The moment he turned to leave the window, she raised her face towards the sun, inhaling the fragrance of the garden. Her hair fell in a wave of curls, revealing her pearly smooth skin.

She opened her eyes. He glanced into her teal colored eyes and was lost in the moment.

Deep in thought, he did not notice when she vanished from the garden.  Panic seized him; he turned to Lanceworth and shouted, “Where did she go?”

“Who?” he replied with caution.

“The woman who was in the garden,” Prince Christian demanded.

“My prince, I barely saw her.” Lanceworth responded with alarm in his voice.

“Lanceworth, I need you to summons all of the women who were at court today, she is the one I have found my bride.”

Lanceworth replied, “All of them are packing to leave.”

Prince Christian answered with anger in this voice, “I do not care what they have done and where they go, as long as I find her, my heart is telling me she is the one.”

‘As you wish my prince,” Lanceworth replied as he rushed from the room. “Alert the King,” The prince called out.

In the meantime, Prince Christian called for his royal tailors to change into his formal wear. He wanted to present himself in the proper manner to his future bride. Surely, his father was going to be pleased. He wished his mother lived to see this day. It felt like an eternity before he was  announced into court. Prince Christian stood before his father’s throne with the women crowded around him.

King Leopold spoke, “my son, I am told that you have chosen a bride.”

The prince replied with pride in his voice, “This is true father.” The king raised his hand towards the women and instructed his son to bring forth his bride.

Prince Christian walked slowly up and down, searching for the angelic beauty that he saw in the garden. In the midst of the smiling faces, heavy makeup, and tons of jewelry, he did not find her. He turned to his father and said, “She is not here.”

The King told him to look again.

He did but she was not there. Prince Christian called out to Lancewroth. “Is this all the women?”

“Yes, my prince,” answered Lancworth.

Filled with disappointment he turned towards the king, said, “I am sorry father, I must have been mistaken she is not among these women,”

The king asked him, “Can you describe her?”

“Yes,” said the prince, “she was in the west side of the garden where mother planted the rose bush. She has long black curly hair and bluish green eyes as big as crystal balls. Her skin glowed like satin; in the blue dressing gown,” she was wearing.

The king asked, “Was she in the garden alone?”

The prince answered “yes father I saw no one with her.”

The room is silent.

King Leopold spoke, “might I suggest that the ladies go back to their rooms, and the owner of the gown my son described, come forth.”

While the king and the prince waited in the room, one of the woman came forth and requested to speak with the king.  She claimed to know the identity of the woman the prince was seeking. When she entered the Great Hall, and she told the prince that the women he is looking for is her daughters’ lady -in –waiting. She slipped into the garden today without permission.

Prince Christian asked her to bring the girl to him. She did as the prince requested.  As soon as he laid eyes on her, his heart leaped.

The king spoke, “come forth my child, do not be afraid, He asked her, “were you in the garden today, alone, by the rose bush?”

In a small soft voice, she answered, “Yes your Majesty, pardon me for the trouble I have caused, the roses are beautiful and I desired a closer look.”

The king laughed, “No harm my child, those roses were planted by wife, I am happy they brought you pleasure.” She bowed and left the room.

“Father she is the one,” the Prince said,

“My son, she is a lady- in- waiting.” The king replied. “No one in our blood line has ever married outside of the royal court.”

The prince pleaded with the King, “Father as soon as I saw her, I knew she was the one.”

“I am sorry but I cannot give my blessing to such a union.” Replied the king.

Prince Christian spoke in a sincere voice.  “Father, I have never asked much of you. Please, allow me to be with a woman that I can love and seek comfort with as you did with my mother.”

The king remained silent, as his son’s words penetrated his heart. The king wanted his son to be blissful in his married life. Nevertheless, he cannot overlook the fact that the former queen was of royal blood.

King Leopold looked into his sons pleading eyes; suggesting they call upon her mistress to inquire of the young woman’s heritage. This request from the King excited the prince and gave him hope. He sent for Lanceworth to bring the girl and her mistress forward.

“Forgive me my prince,” said Lanceworth,” all of the guest have set sail for home.”  The prince did not stay to hear another word. He rushed from the room, towards the sea running past the palace guards; they called out after him “my lord is there trouble?”

Prince Christian continued towards the sea where the fleet of ships were departing. He hoped he was not too late.

When he reached the shore, he dived into the sea swimming to catch the last ship. The guards rushed to pull him back on shore, but the prince in desperation, struggled against them yelling,

“Let me be! I must stop them.” As hard as he fought, they over powered him and brought him back on dry land.

Prince Christian sat on the shore watching the ships disappear one by one into the horizon. The guards pleaded with him to go back to the palace. The prince refused to move.  Only when Lanceworth kneeled at his side and whispered in his ear,

“My prince I have information concerning the royal house the maiden serves,” these words gave the prince the strength to stand and he allowed the guards to guide him back to the palace.

After the prince refreshed himself, the king called him to his chambers. He walked towards his father’s quarters with a heavy heart, feeling defeated.

When he entered the room, king Leopold sat up in bed, he looked fragile. Prince Christian felt a pain in his heart. He approached the bed and sat next to his father. He wondered how many more moments like these would they share before death took him.

The king broke the silence.

“Son, all future kings faced this same moment when they are presented with a bride not of their choosing.” The Prince looked at his father with an expression of confusion.

The king rose from the bed and began to pace the floor; the king asked his son, “Have I ever told you the story of how I meet your mother?”

“No father. You have not,” replied the prince.

“Your grandfather went in search of my bride, and when he found her, he came back with a portrait. Her name was Lady Pricilla Heathcott; you know her father, King Fredrick Heathcott’s of the Penfirden realm. She was young and beautiful; and I had to do what was required of me. At the time of my proposed marriage, our kingdom was threatened with war; my marriage to Lady Heathcott promised to form an alliance between the two smaller kingdoms in order to build a strong army.

While preparations were being made to receive my bride, we received the news that Lady Heathcott ships was caught in a violent storm, only two out of the four ships made it to safety, my bride was not so lucky. The lost was great. Her mother, brothers along with other family members, perished. Her father and eldest sister were unable to make the voyage.  Because of this tragedy, a period of mourning was declared. There was an agreement of peace out of respect for King Heathcott.

Months later, your grandfather and I made the trip to visit King Heathcott to pay our respects and that is when I met your mother, Lady Camila Heathcott. She was the eldest sister of my intended. She could not make the trip, due to illness.  I was comforting her over the loss of her sister we fall in love. We dared not allow anyone to know because we did not want to offend her father.

By some means your grandfather found out, and fearing the word would get back to her father, he forbade me to see her. I begged him to approach King Heathcott to ask for lady

Camila’s hand in marriage. Your grandfather did not think it was a good idea, but I would not give up, hence, your clever grandfather derived a plan. He suggested to her father that I marry Lady Heathcott in case their enemies changed their mind and declared war on them again.

At first, King Heathcott feared losing another daughter to the sea; she was his only remaining child. Your grandfather continued to press the issue about the protection of our two countries, and it worked. We were married in secret, not to alert the other kingdoms. We left immediately following the ceremony.  The day we departed for home, I promised her father that I would protect his daughter with my life. Your mother brought me many years of happiness, even in death “I still feel her presence.”  Finishing his story, the king sighed.

Prince Christian asked his father, “What am I to do?”

The king said, “Go my son and find your bride, as your mother’s father willingly departed with his only child, so to must I.”

Stay Tune for part 2…………