The Cries from Mourning Souls

 

 

Dear Readers, 

I have never been nor will I be a supporter of violence. However, I do stand firm on the old saying ” an eye for an eye”. In the King James Bible, we are instructed that, “ whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other..” ( St. Matthew. 5:38). The reaction of the black community after the murder of another African American man, George Floyd, is proof that African American’s have no more cheeks to turn. The news and social media, political leaders, and public opinion are of the belief that African Americans taking to the streets rioting,looting and burning down a precinct should be viewed as acts of vandalism and ignorance. Furthermore, African American’s expressing their anger towards a justice system that defends Caucasian citizens and law enforcement officers thus giving them the leeway to belatedly in cold blood hunt down, and subdue men and women of color for the sole purpose of murdering them. 

People in black communities live in fear as an endangered population because of an invisible target on their backs. We have to question the demented thinking of a race of people who lay claim to being superior and use this as their solitary justification for to committing genocide on the African Americans.  

We have to question living in a modern industrious society, where a black man is forced to consider the consequences of venturing out of his homes, into an atmosphere where he is preyed upon by a white sharp teeth predator looking for its next kill. 

We have to question the Blue Wall of silence that encourages and supports police officers to roam and ravage people in black communities. Why? Because 400 years ago, White America arrived at the conclusion that any person of color is fair game, and that the laws that protect the rights of the white race are deemed NON IN VOID when referring to the rights of African Americans.

We have to question a justice system that is broken, soiled,and corrupt, yet vows that every person who is alleged to have committed a crime is innocent until proven guilty, and has a right to due process…yet the concrete streets in the black and brown communities run red with the blood of innocent victims because New York City Finest has decided that its killing season. 

We have to question a society that justifies burning crosses on the lawns of African Americans, lyching, the use of attack dogs, and blasting water from fire hose into crowds of black people that have the power and force to kill. The continuous rapping of black women during slavery for the purpose of producing more laborers, or to be sold for profit. The brutal beating of black people to the point they are unrecognizable; and  the practice of tying men to the back of trucks dragging them to their death. Deterring slaves from running towards freedom by chopping off an arm or a leg. The bombing of a church in Birmingham Alabama (1963), killing four black girls. The case of the Mississippi burning,  three young men were killed in a small Mississippi town because they wanted to educate people of color in the south about their right to vote. 

The world has watched the video of George Floyd,  down on the ground pleading for his life and crying out for his mother. While a police officer slowly cut off his air, it is reported that the white police officer knelt on Floyd’s neck for 8 minutes and 46 seconds; and 2 minutes and 53 seconds of that 8 minutes he became unresponsive. It would take a person with a cold, stone heart of Pharaoh not to be affected by watching a person die. 

So, the world sits in judgement as to how African Americans should express their anger and outrage. And while political analysts and media doppelgangers sit scrutinizing the video over and over, the anger of the African American community will continue to boil over. Dr. Martin Luther King jr. in his defense of black people pushing back again laws and a justice system that devalues the lives of African Americans. In his Letter From Birmingham Jail ( 1963),  he said that people have a moral responsibility to break unjust laws and to take direct action rather than waiting potentially forever for justice to come through the courts. King writes, “Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere”  

What Say You?

Thank you for stopping by Dragthepen

 

ALL IS WELL

Dear Readers, 

Sometimes life has a way of stopping us in our tracks helping us understand life on life’s terms, and to see the other picture behind the bigger picture. People are blinded by striving for professional success and clawing their way up the class and economic ladder, due to being dissatisfied with their current class status. We wish for more and do our best to keep up the JONESES, while theorizing that the grass is greener on the other side.

That Was Me. 

People have told me that I am a late bloomer my life played out in reverse.. I was a high school dropout, unwed teenage mother, and experienced years of working low paying jobs. It took time, but I found my way back on the right path to acquiring an education, where I discovered the love of English Literature. Victory you say, yes, and no, my story doesn’t end there. I have enjoyed years of academic success, but what spoiled my triumph was that I brought into the societal notion that I should fit myself into the idealized American Dream. This piece isn’t about how I achieved my American Dream, on the contrary, I did not achieve any dream because I was trying too hard to adjust to someone else’s Idea about how my life should play out. It almost RUINED me, I brought into the claim that “ one size fits all”. 

It was my pursuit of an inmate partnership  meaning to find Mr. right and to “ settle down” into a long term loving partnership. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be in a loving partnership, however, what I was doing was “ Settling” . I was literally looking for love in all the wrong faces. I confess that I viewed being alone as a disease, when I should have embraced my alone time as time to work on me ,and make the foundation of life stronger. I did not understand how to be with myself, and that I was in charge of my happiness, instead of relying on others to give me what I need to give to myself. I suffered years of abusive relationships and never truly found the person to show me genuine love, honesty, support my career goals, and my vision of becoming an author, and talk show host. A few years ago I was almost homeless because the man that I was engaged to asked me to leave his home immediately, because I refused to submit to him controlling my life. I struggled with  years of being emotionally and financially broken, confused and angry.  

I used to complain that my life wasn’t successful, I viewed my life as “ wasteful” , and then I read this quote by Susan Samarro, “ Nothing you’ve been through has been wasted”. Before entering the teaching profession, I spent 13 years as a well paid theater manager at a wonderful Performing Arts Center. There I witnessed operas’ page to stage, film festivals, and artist in residence programs, not to mention some famous movies that were filmed at my venue. In 2006, I took a final curtain bow and began my Masters program in Education while working as a floor supervisor at The Learning Resource Center. After completing my education I dove head first into my love of teaching Literature. Sounds like the perfect comeback story, oh yes it is. It took me to be sheltered in place during this coronavirus pandemic, that ALL IS WELL. While the world is in chaos, being sheltered in place has given me the time, space and peace that I have never known. The time to set up my new apartment room by room, lesson learned never give up my place to move in with a man. Second lesson, being home means spending less money, paying off bills, reviewing my finances and on the path to repairing my credit, and the savings is great.I am learning that I am at my best when I live alone, but currently, I have a roommate who temporarily went back home to her family. I cherish this down time. It makes good financial sense to have the support of a roommate, but moving forward I enjoy my own space. 

All is well because I know who I am, what I want and how to bring joy into my life. I enjoy coffee in bed, and sleeping late, cooking vegan meals, laying on the sofa watching movies, while  sipping wine and eating popcorn. I like the peace, quiet and space to create. I like being with me. I am not giving up on finding my life partner, but this is no longer at the top of my bucket list.  Today, I can truly say with confidence  ALL IS WELL. I am moving forward with the courage of a lioness, the sky is not the limit because I will never place limitations on what I can accomplish. 

Thank you for stopping by Dragthepen

The Rotting Soul

Dear Readers, 

Your past pain is an enemy, and when people say that they are suffering from a broken heart, I say, it is their spirit, soul and will that’s been broken and betrayed. My story is that  I spent years soaking in the pain of my past. I waited in anger for the people who hurt me to come back to me and acknowledge the physically, emotionally and mentally pain they caused me, I wanted my pain to be validated, so I proudly displayed my banner publicly announcing that I was a VICTIM, who have been mistreated, abused, neglected and I was wounded. I used my pain as an  excuse for my anger, hatred and bitterness. I lived my life  putting up walls, hurting others, and lashing out towards anyone who would not acknowledge my pain. My heart was cold, closed and hardened. I was blinded by misinformation, mixed messages, and confused emotions. While I was quickly disintegrating into my self imposed HELL. during this period of my life it never occurred to me to stop and reflect on the fact that I did not have the experience to detect and discern when people have bad intentions. 

 

I was not taught self-worth and self-respect meant, so my level of thinking was that of a naive child that is very trusting because children  don’t know evil, malice, and wrong doing until it is introduced to them. Another factor that led to me basking in my position as a VICTIM, I surrounded myself with people who supported my moaning and groaning of how I’ve been wronged. I lived in this pit of darkness from 1996-2006 just to give you an idea of how long I wallowed in my grief.  

How I began the long, long road to healing was people stopped listening to me rant. One by one person was dropping out of my life, and this increased my anger because the people who I thought understood my pain were busy on their path to healing. I didn’t want to heal, to me healing meant forgiving the people who hurt me. In my mind forgiveness means that they were off the hook, and they won’t be punished for the crimes committed against me. Over time  I slowly began to realize that the only person that I was hindering and harming was me. I was stuck mentally and emotionally, I wasn’t living. I arrived at the point that I wanted the self imposed drama to end. I had worked diligently to immerse myself deep into my misery, and little did I know I would have to put forth tireless effort to learn  how to process my pain in a positive manner. I utilize many support services secular and spiritual, I am not ashamed to say I spent 8 years in therapy learning to love and value myself. This eight year process included one year of art therapy, anger management, and one year of group and individual therapy.  

My journey towards healing and reclaiming my life lead me back to a painful childhood, the horrible events of adolescence that lead to poor choices as an adult. I learned that something  good was going to come from my pain. Looking back I had no idea that this healing process would profoundly change my life. I was molded into a completely new person. Through all the therapy sessions, tears, rage, unveiling and reliving the events of my past, it was worth the pages and pages of journals, and the times I dropped to my needs hunched over in pain purging myself of the anger that I allowed to ROT my soul, kill my spirit,  darken my heart, and block my blessings.  

From those years pain and healing I brought forth two novels about my journey walking towards a better life. I learned how to trust people, to have an open mind, and guard my naive heart. I developed into a mentor, motivational coach, writer and creator of the blog Dragthepen and the YouTube channel Conversations with J. R. Floyd. The more I share my story, counsel and coach others the better I become at listening with a non judgmental ear. I learned how to recognize true friendship, and what it means to be supportive, compassionate, and to show acts of kindness to others who have been broken.  It doesn’t matter the cause of your pain or past trauma, seeking help does not allow the past to lead you down a dark road of destruction of anger and loneliness. 

Thank you for stopping by Dragthepen.

You Have Been Warned

Dear Readers,

People are in a rush to be outside. I am making the choice to remain sheltered in place. I’ve purchased a beach chair and a portable pool. My summer will be spent in my back yard with my mini grill, some good books, editing my new manuscript, and watching the TV my landlord hooked up a TV in the garage. I understand that its difficult for some people to remain at home due to enticing warmer temperatures,being bored, and living in tight spaces. Reminder! The virus is out there. We don’t know who, what, where, or when. Some people will be of the opinion that I am living in fear. I say, I am staying safe. Please use the common sense you where born with. 👍🌞

What Say You?

Thank you for stopping by Dragthepen

Dear Mom

 

Dear Readers,

My wordpress readers know me by the blog name dragthepen, however, I am J. R. Floyd,  creator of the YouTube channel Conversations with J. R. where I discuss relationship problems and explore the destruction of the family. At the start of the New Year ( 2020) I asked my viewers to join me in a year-long theme of writing letters to SELF. Each month I choose a different topic to write a letter about. This month I decided to write a letter to my mother, she is alive, and will never read this letter. This is my chance to work out  emotions that I’ve suppressed for years. This is my way of having that mother daughter talk. My mother is 77 years old and at this point in her life there is no need to open past wounds. I did not experience the ideal mother daughter relationship, although I am a mother,  I did not have good mother role models around me to teach me how to be a mother. At the age of 56, I still long for a deep soul connection with my mother, that unbreakable bond that I hear so many other mothers and daughters talk about. 

Dear Mom, Happy Mother’s Day. I hope you enjoyed the flowers I sent. I try my best to do as you ask to “ give you your flowers while you’re living”. I struggled whether to write this letter because I do not want my readers to get the impression that I am bashing my mother. I would never do that if you gave me the greatest gift, my life. Mom, there are some issues about our relationship that I have kept buried deep inside from childhood into adulthood, why, because you did not make it easy for me to confide in you. Looking back I understand that you were overwhelmed with children, being a wife and running a home. I have tried to make peace with the fact that you did the best you could with the information you had at the time. 

Mom, that the little girl in me still aches for the gentle, loving touch of a mother’s hand. As I matured in age and experience there were certain hardships that I could not talk to you about because I was afraid of being judged by you. I heard that a mother’s love is unconditional, and that mother’s have this 6th sense of wisdom, and mother’s forgive unconditionally. You never kissed any of my boo boo’s, played dress up with me, read  me funny stories, or  told me that I was pretty,  and that I was your princess. Instead,  you gave me a stern hand when I needed a firm one. You withheld vital information about maturing into womanhood, my body changed and I needed you to help me to understand this transformation. You didn’t teach me self- care, self- worth,  or self -respect, and most importantly to keep myself for that special person. 

There were nights when I cried into my pillow because I knew if I cried out you won’t come,and if you did I was afraid that you would scorn me.  I need the warmth, protection and assurance only a mother’s arms can give. You missed so many important events, my 1st and 2nd college graduations, the birth of my 1st son and the burial of my 2nd son. For years,  I put extra effort into being super women so that you would be proud of me, but instead, you praised other people’s daughters for their accomplishments. You haven’t read any of my books, listened to my podcast, or watched my YouTube channel. When I received my Ministry License, you told me you were“ proud of me”, but I did not feel any joy from those words because to me they were just words. I have gone through life loving you and hoping that we can connect on an emotional level. My hope is that the years that you have left us can find a way to be joined together as it was met to be. 

 

Thank you for stopping by dragthepen

Corona virus and Relationships

Dear  Readers,

It is time to revisit the foundation of our relationship or situation ship during this time of  being sheltered in place due to the crisis brought on by the corona virus. This subject is no laughing matter. I see an increasing number of negative comments about the status of relationships and the lack of emotional bonding with spouses and children. The majority of people are blaming being shut in at home, why hasn’t it sunk into people’s mind that this is a situation that is crucial to save lives. However, being sheltered in place has brought out the true nature of people’s personalities. 

Couples are claiming to be forced to remain under the same roof. I used the word FORCED because this is the language I observe people using in various postings on Facebook, Instagram and Tik Tok that describe being trapped into spending time at home with family. I come to the conclusion that people are in deep reflection about the level of commitment towards their partner. Question, Do you exist in your relationship with one foot in, and the other foot on the other side of the door?  

Do you pay attention to how people list their relationship status on their social media pages? For the people who use the word Complicated when describing their relationship, I say,  this is an insult. If being sheltered in place for safety with the individual you cohabitate with has brought you to a level of discomfort, that you crave to run out into a virus filled world, where an  invisible disease can and will snuff out your life faster than the speed of light. If this is how you feel then yes, you should evaluate why you settled in a relationship or situation ship, that you’ve developed contempt and resentment towards your partner, who is probably not aware that you have been practicing social and emotional distancing before the corona virus rolled into town.   

To all the people who have been faking their commitment and over the last few weeks you were not able to sneak out, avoid, stay away, and lie about working overtime to slide around with your side piece and be unfaithful. You have been prohibited from going to bars, and hanging out with your single friends to escape a relationship that you now recognized as not being up to the standard you hoped it would be.  

What’s really happening is that at this time people have been brought face to face with what they  have been trying to escape. Relationships are not being destroyed; they were already damaged before we were ordered to shelter. in place. Question, when was the last time you’ve been honest with yourself that your boo, bae, ride or die, your soul mate or life partner: that the thrill is gone and you’re not into the relationship as you once were?  Before this period of being shut in people were good at leaving, avoiding and using physical and emotional distancing, instead of dealing with the crisis in their relationships. 

I think that it is sad that people will use this crisis as an excuse to break off relationships that were already at a dead end. My heart goes out to the hopeless romantic who hope that living so closely that their disconnection between them and their spouse will be strengthened, after many years of neglect, emotional distance and denial.  The reality is that at this point some people have no desire to put in the work to save a relationship simply because they have CHECKED OUT. There is no good time to abandon a relationship that you have vowed to be committed to for the long haul. However, to abandon a family and a  spouse during a time of panic, fear, uncertainty, chaos, depression, and financially upheaval is shameful.

 

What Say You? 

Thank you for stopping by Dragthepen

 

 

   

The Day Will Come

 

Hello, hello, hello, dear readers happy reflection day.

On March 10, myself and thousands of Cuny and Suny employees were told not to report to work. We were put on alert that the entire teaching system will be converted to remote learning. We were given three days to  make the adjustment. During this transition period it was discovered that a large number of students did not have a home computer or the internet.Then bars, restaurants, hair and nail salons closed. Coffee shops, cafes, and any place that people gathered that created a crowd closed. Then we were ordered to shelter at home. I am an introvert, so being confined has not created a mental hardship for me. Because of this crisis people are realizing that we are not conditioned to be isolated, and this situation has created a devastating emotional effect on people. 

To date it’s been 6 or 7 weeks since we’ve been sheltered in place. In an effort to encourage people I’ve appeared each Monday live to discuss several topics that I hoped would give people hope and courage to work through this crisis.  

Week 1: I encourage people to come together in unity,  unity means strength.

Week 2: Reflect on W. I. N..what’s important now

Week 3: How to create and experience peace during a crisis

Week 4: Self- care the importance of taking care of self and family during a crisis

Week 5: How to use this time to create or recreate a new life plan

Week 6: Getting prepared for change. Wanting to go back to normal. Time to move forward

On Monday May 4. I will make my last live appearance on Facebook. On that day I will acknowledge the struggles people are facing the anxiety, uncertainty, and the battles people are facing in their homes, due to the mental and emotional damage this crisis had caused. People are concerned about their future and no one can give them solid answers.  I tried to warn people about the harm they are causing themselves by constantly talking about corona-virus and watching the news. I personally keep a distance from any news or people who are obsessed with having conversations about going back to normal. 

Today, I am here to pray with you, and for you. Yes, prayer. I am not asking people to believe in God. I am simply going to pray. On May 15, it will make 60 days ( 3 months ) since we have been asked to shelter in place. The plan in New York City is to open some business and wait two weeks to observe if the number of corona-virus cases increases or stays the same. Depending on the results the government will proceed to open more business in two week increments. There are a large number of people who are in a rush to get back to normal. I wonder if people are living in denial.

The world has changed and it will continue to change. Many of our favorite places may not reopen. Schools will remain closed until September 2020. No summer youth programs that create jobs for many young people who need them. Some people may not be able to return to their former places of employment. Summer might be cancelled. Meaning, no public concerts, closed beaches, and limitation on the use of public parks. On a personal note, I will continue to shelter in place teaching at home, my 45 minutes daily walks. I shop for food once a week, and work two days a week in a group home as a resident counselor. I have learned to be patient through this process finding ways to be creative. Unlike others I am in no hurry to race back out into society. No, I am not going to live in fear, just going to proceed with caution. My suggestion to others If you need to go out proceed with caution. We still don’t know  the who, what, when or where? There are so many conspiracy theories, and other peoples opinions on what they think is right.  I understand that the economy needs to be rebooted. The ease of social distancing doesn’t mean that all is well.

We may never know when all will be well. 

Thank you for stopping by Dragthepen.

 

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