Dear Mom

 

Dear Readers,

My wordpress readers know me by the blog name dragthepen, however, I am J. R. Floyd,  creator of the YouTube channel Conversations with J. R. where I discuss relationship problems and explore the destruction of the family. At the start of the New Year ( 2020) I asked my viewers to join me in a year-long theme of writing letters to SELF. Each month I choose a different topic to write a letter about. This month I decided to write a letter to my mother, she is alive, and will never read this letter. This is my chance to work out  emotions that I’ve suppressed for years. This is my way of having that mother daughter talk. My mother is 77 years old and at this point in her life there is no need to open past wounds. I did not experience the ideal mother daughter relationship, although I am a mother,  I did not have good mother role models around me to teach me how to be a mother. At the age of 56, I still long for a deep soul connection with my mother, that unbreakable bond that I hear so many other mothers and daughters talk about. 

Dear Mom, Happy Mother’s Day. I hope you enjoyed the flowers I sent. I try my best to do as you ask to “ give you your flowers while you’re living”. I struggled whether to write this letter because I do not want my readers to get the impression that I am bashing my mother. I would never do that if you gave me the greatest gift, my life. Mom, there are some issues about our relationship that I have kept buried deep inside from childhood into adulthood, why, because you did not make it easy for me to confide in you. Looking back I understand that you were overwhelmed with children, being a wife and running a home. I have tried to make peace with the fact that you did the best you could with the information you had at the time. 

Mom, that the little girl in me still aches for the gentle, loving touch of a mother’s hand. As I matured in age and experience there were certain hardships that I could not talk to you about because I was afraid of being judged by you. I heard that a mother’s love is unconditional, and that mother’s have this 6th sense of wisdom, and mother’s forgive unconditionally. You never kissed any of my boo boo’s, played dress up with me, read  me funny stories, or  told me that I was pretty,  and that I was your princess. Instead,  you gave me a stern hand when I needed a firm one. You withheld vital information about maturing into womanhood, my body changed and I needed you to help me to understand this transformation. You didn’t teach me self- care, self- worth,  or self -respect, and most importantly to keep myself for that special person. 

There were nights when I cried into my pillow because I knew if I cried out you won’t come,and if you did I was afraid that you would scorn me.  I need the warmth, protection and assurance only a mother’s arms can give. You missed so many important events, my 1st and 2nd college graduations, the birth of my 1st son and the burial of my 2nd son. For years,  I put extra effort into being super women so that you would be proud of me, but instead, you praised other people’s daughters for their accomplishments. You haven’t read any of my books, listened to my podcast, or watched my YouTube channel. When I received my Ministry License, you told me you were“ proud of me”, but I did not feel any joy from those words because to me they were just words. I have gone through life loving you and hoping that we can connect on an emotional level. My hope is that the years that you have left us can find a way to be joined together as it was met to be. 

 

Thank you for stopping by dragthepen

15 thoughts on “Dear Mom

  1. Dear Floyd…you wrote it but i feel that you wrote on my behalf. we share the same when it comes to mother daughter relationship but i feel they are victims of victims as somewhere down their own childhood they were also mistreated but today after writing this letter you broke that chain of victimization and freed yourself. My mom is 77 too but still i dont have that courage to do so but I am working on myself not to make this cycle eternal. So just forgive her and bless her❤dear

    Liked by 1 person

    • I am pleased that I can help others. It was very difficult to write this letter. I even made a podcast of the original letter which is a bit longer. I received many. Comments from other people. Next month I will post my letter. Dear Dad. Thank you for stopping by Dragthepen💖

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  2. I could write the same letter with a few added particulars of course. Mother passed in 2012. She made many sacrifices and always made sure I had all the basics but could be cruel and punitive and I always felt she was dismissive of my personhood as a child. I’m sure the complications in my adult life caused her pain. One thing I try to focus on is that I feel she certainly did one thing right: I was at Sunday school every Sunday probably from the day of my infant baptism until I left for college. After a decades long absence from church I began regular attendance five years ago. But now all the churches are closed. We are a small congregation and a very aged one and I don’t think we’ll survive.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I was blessed to have a reasonably good relationship with my mother. The exception being those few years when I turned into a teenage arse!
    You know that by writing out those painful issues you are taking a big step toward healing. The quality of your relationship with your mother will grow as you heal. Spend as much time as you can enjoying whatever beauty you find in your relationship with her because time is finite and it hurts when they leave.

    Liked by 1 person

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