I didn’t know what I just knew that something needed to be done; like so many people I’ve been a trooper throughout this invasion of the coronavirus. I embraced the time at home and deeply grateful that the government shutdown didn’t have an impact on my employment. I did my best not to allow myself to get caught up in the panic and chaos of the news, the turmoil of rascal tension, and the drama of the election. I don’t consider myself a person who lives in denial, and I do comprehend that the events taking place are real, and the devastation of this globe pandemic is fearful to say the least. But I created a bubble that I didn’t know the air was slowly leaking out.
I thought I turned a negative situation in my favor by refocusing my life. In my mind, I thought I may never have another chance to take advantage to focus on me, and my needs. I got busy focusing on my brand Conversations with J. R. Floyd, I had the opportunity to go live on Facebook for the first 8 weeks of being sheltered in place to encourage people. I edited my manuscript for my third book, worked on upgrading my YouTube channel, website, and wordpress blog. During this time I was teaching from home and going out two days a week because I am an essential worker. When I reflect back I wasn’t taking care of any of my needs, I was focusing on my goals working, working, and working,I was still on the grind. I wasn’t paying attention to how this pandemic and the limitations on my social life was affecting me mentally, emotionally, and physically.
For years I’ve played the role of the strong woman, resilient, self-sufficient, bouncing back strong, and taking care of myself. I’ve kept going on this path without acknowledging the mental, emotional and physical toll, I just thought that this is my life, and this is what I have to do. lately, I’ve come to realize that it is okay for me to admit that I’m not okay, and that I am hurting, a little angry and tired.
I wished that I had a partner, a helpmate,and live in my own home, instead of paying rent living in someone else’s house. A few days before the New Year I realized that I was on the edge of having a physical and emotional breakdown. I had to step back and listen to that voice of warning. So,I checked myself into a hotel in New York City, the anticipation of leaving my noisy apartment and being in a quiet place, where no one knows where I’m except for a few people. Stepping away from social media, the cell phone, resting,and reflecting on the harm I am causing to myself by not acknowledging my emotions and not taking care of myself by exercising, strengthening my body, losing weight, gaining weight, and eating poorly. I haven’t acknowledged my emotional vulnerability and the fact that I miss having a partner in my life. I miss the intimate connection, I am lonely, but I keep convincing myself that I am okay, and the truth of the matter is I am not.
I wasn’t focusing on the areas of my life that will help me to continue to pursue my vision. It’s okay to have a purpose and to have a vision, but if I am not emotionally, mentally, and physically healthy, it makes no sense to achieve certain goals, if I won’t have the strength or the ability to enjoy the goals once I achieve them. I realized that I’ve been stuffing my feelings and emotions, running away and I don’t know why, but this is what I do know.
As I sit here on New Year’s day, my final day in my hotel room, this little getaway has been a wonderful experience. No responsibilities except me. I have eaten well for 3 days, and been cleansing. Although we have limitations during this pandemic for my well being there will be more hotel stays. I need a change of scenery, to disconnect and to deal with my emotions to regain my physical and mental health, to get clarity about how I’m going to move forward with my future, and how I’m going to dedicate time and energy to what is a priority.
I hope that while you are either listening to this on my podcast or reading this on my blog, that my words and experience will connect with something deep within you, to acknowledge areas in your life that you have been putting on hold or pushing away. Talk about how this pandemic has affected your quality of life, the person that you were or becoming, the things and people that we have lost, how social distancing is causing a cloud of misery and confusion. I want people to understand that if you’re not okay regardless of what anyone says to you or about you. It is okay to acknowledge that you are not okay, and for you to get help and surround yourself with people who will respect the fact that you are not okay and help you on the road to feeling better.
Happy New Year