Coffee In Bed

Dear Readers, 

This is one of those days that I am grateful for singlehood. I live in New York City, it’s Saturday, rainy, chilly and cloudy. The small apartment complex I reside in is unusually peaceful. I slept late ( 12 noon). I woke up to my cat, Hamlet angry 😡 cries for food. I decided this is the perfect day to spend in my bedroom. I prepared my coffee tray, grabbed the laptop, bottles of water, and positioned myself in the middle of my bed. 

Oh, the joy of peace, coffee in bed, and living alone affords me the space and quiet time to recover from the wear and tears from the outside world. At 57, I would appreciate a partner who understands how to benefit from quiet time. I’ve experienced marriage once and it didn’t afford me quiet time. I’ve lived with roommates and don’t care to revisit those horror stories. My last relationship two years ago, I was engaged and lived with my fiance for 30 days. I realized it wasn’t going to work. 

He did not understand quiet time. He had big screened Tvs in every room except the bathroom. He woke up making noise, talking, talking, he was 6 feet 2 and had a loud voice. He misunderstood my need for silence as anger, I moved out in a hurry into a roommate situation. It was a spacious apartment, clean and bright. But my roommate a tall handsome man in his 60s and a retired carpenter, was an early riser  7 days a week, and he was VERY noisy. I endured living there for a year, over time he caught onto my need for quiet time and toned down the noise.

Dec 13, 2019, I moved into my own space. The apartment complex has three floors and unfortunately for me I am on the first floor. I have noisy neighbors who walk like beasts. My landlord has done an amazing job of helping to keep the peace, so on the rare days of silence I enjoy coffee in bed and movies. 

After the fiasco with the last relationship, I’ve been paying attention to how I enjoy living something I’ve never done previously. Here’s what I learned. I like being alone 75 percent and the other 25 percent,  I like to cook and entertain friends and family, and after two years of being free,  I don’t want any males in my living space, and there are no plans for dating in the near future. I’ve rediscovered the joys of sleeping alone, the benefits of having my own bathroom, and the delight of coming home to silence.

This has been a great weekend starting with Friday, the weather was amazing, warm, sunny and all the snow has melted. I cooked and cleaned, and  I had a visitor who brought me my first house warming gift, a glass chess set. The food, wine and company was just what I needed to end such a glorious day. So, here I am in the glory of a beautiful, mellow, silent Saturday, now this is what it means by living in the moment.  

I hope you are enjoying your weekend.

The Narrative of Worth

Dear Readers, 

When was the moment you discovered the narrative about being unworthy. By narrative I mean the private conversation that you have in your head about being unworthy. Then there is society and all the confusing voices measuring and judging your worth according to your net worth, education, class status, your circle of friends, where you reside, and whether you are a renter or a homeowner. 

What relationship were you in when he or she told you that ” you were fortunate to have taken up space in their life” and they made you feel that  you were beneath their standards, and you brought into that lie. Who was the family member or members who told you as a child that you were ugly, undeserving, mischievous, and wasn’t going to amount to anything good? Did those voices of negativity follow you into adulthood? 

At your place of employment you grind to shine only to be demeaned, belittle, devalued, and told that the work your produce isn’t good enough, and you are barred from membership in the office clicks, thus you brood and begin the narrative that your not good enough.This game of labeling individuals not good enough leads to feelings of being unworthy, and it’s a form of bullying. So what do you do? When all the arrows of being unworthy point at you, beating down your self worth, self esteem, and breaking your spirit.

Night and day this narrative of being unworthy haunts you, and you doubt who you are and what you’re capable of achieving. Then you become trapped in a ugly cycle of trying to fix yourself to become the ideal image of worthiness. You seek approval and hope others will build up your confidence. You buy name brand clothes, and shoes, you become an addict staying neatly groomed, you eat at the right places, buy membership into health clubs, and network with people who are only name droppers. 

You strive and strive to the point of frustration because you don’t see progress in being worthy. You continue on this cycle of trying to prove that you’re worthy, until you’re so beaten down and deep into the abyss of untruth that you’re willing to accept anybody’s truth about your worthiness. 

Then the bough breaks. All the emotional damage, mental stress, physical hardship, sleepless nights, tears, fears, come rushing forward all at once. What do you do? 

The only thing you can. 

You stand still, look in the mirror and tell yourself you are worthy. You block out the voices and

images in society that tell you that you need to believe the hype that buying into someone else dictating your self -worth isn’t an option for you. You greet each new day with you head up, shoulders squared, and walk with the stride of a Naval officer, erect and determined. You keep staying to yourself that you are worthy and then you create your life based on what you know your worth by your own standards. 

You refuse to play this dangerous game of  giving your soul over to others who will mishandle you. You play by your own rules and refuse to bend to the cries of conformity. And at the end of the day you can look those naysayers in the eyes not with anger and resentment, but with pride and strength because they know you know your worth and there is nothing they can do. 

Thank you for stopping by dragthepen

At the heart of the Matter

Dear Readers,

I want to love the world through the heart of a child. To experience unconditional warmth, acceptance, to embrace life with pure openness. To love with the heart of a child is to be brave, adventurous, and unassuming. To love with the heart of a child means to be fearless, playful, selfless, and bold. To love with the heart of a child means to forgive, hold no grudges, to be curious, and ask why? When children love they embrace you with hugs that melt your heart and chase away the boogeyman. Children love with deep loyalty, and their love is not conning or wonders what they will gain or lose by loving. 

Unlike the heart of adults that have lost its warmth, locking out hope and possibilities. The heart of adults is weak, selfish, cold, and holds grudges. It’s been traumatized by disappointment, neglect, abuse, broken promises, lost love, anger, and resentment. Adults love with a heart that questions loyalty, and loves with the mindset that questions, ” what’s in it for me”? Unlike adults when children love there is no plan B, or leaving options open. 

The heart is an organ that is the center of life,  yet we are careless and neglectful in the way we take care of our hearts. The majority of humanity is guilty and careless about expressing,  practicing and showing authentic love. We take love for granted like we do our hearts until there is a breakdown then and only then we perceive how important authentic love is, and how vital it is for our survival. Nothing grows ( Matures) without love, every creature and human needs to be nurtured. But, sometimes we wait until the very thing or person that we claim to love departs from our lives to understand that love is much more than a momentary feeling, and that love is healing just as much as it is destructive. 

Are we a society that has given up on understanding the sacred power of love? I loved once it was sweet, joyful, trusting, and as blissful as the rising sun after a spring rain. I shall love again because I believe in a child like love.

abusive relationship anger baggage balance broken church communication compassion conversation dating depression emotional stability ex-girlfriend family fear freedom grateful heart hope joy life love marriage mental health partner peace player reflection relationship relationship myths respect self awareness self care self determined self esteem self improvement self respect sex soul mate support thankful the waiting game trust truth valentines day

Those Eyes

Dear Readers,

I rather see the world through the eyes of a child. To see the world with innocence, joy, playfully, no judgement, bright and smiling. Eyes that believe in fairies, and laughs at the stars. Eyes that are amazed at discovery and are in awww at silly things and butterflies, lady bugs, and rainbows. Eyes that don’t lie about emotions and sleep with angelic peace. The eyes of a child are unbiased, clear, and blameless. The eyes of a child uplifts, heals, and gives hope. 

Unlike the eyes of adults that are dark, unfocused, unsure, and they frown. These eyes are tinted by experience, they stop believing, they are filled with mistrust, and evil. The eyes of an adult beam with betrayal, anger, bitterness, shame and guilt. These eyes are serious, dull with responsibility, pain and suffering. Lost is the ray of hope, joy, happiness, and trust. The eyes of an adult are bleak, and have lost direction. 

I rather look at the world through the eyes of a child then I could wipe the tears from my adult eyes, smile and giggle at the funny man in the clouds. 

Thank you for stopping by Dragthepen

My Week

Dear Readers, 

I have a week off. No remote teaching until February 9, and job number 2, where I worked as a Director Support Professional in a group home only scheduled me for one day.  My first reaction was anger, I had planned to work a few extra days to pay for my birthday trip in March. I thought this sucks, what am I going to do with myself for an entire week?

As luck would have it this week off worked in my favor. First, I live in New York City. We recently experienced a snow storm that dropped 12 to 18 inches. Second, I compiled a list of things I really needed to accomplish, however, I’ve been in procrastinating mode. Here is my story. I am planning my retirement by building a tiny house ( 200-250 square feet) during my research and online chats with people in the tiny house community. They recommend that I begin to downsize and decide what I can and can’t live with or without. 

So, I began with the filing system. I never knew I had so much old paper. In three hours I shredded six ( 13 gal sizes) garbage bags. I will need to schedule another to reorganize new files, but the good news is all the old stuff is gone. And the new rule is check the filing system every six months. I took a coffee break and moved onto the next project, my CD and DVDS.

I can’t live without my music. I am an oldie but goodies kinda gal. I was able to let go of ten DVDS, but I know there will be more. I let go of 20 CD’s and kept about 40 of the classics. That was easy, now for the hard part my books. I had previously downsized my collection twice over the last three years. I don’t buy new books, but if I see a good deal I read them and let them go. I have about 80 books, including photo albums, I don’t think I can let them go. Therefore, when I build my house, space for my books is very important. I didn’t mention the box of journals that I’ve been keeping in an airtight container in my closet. I’ve kept a journal each year since 1992. My goal is to hire a typing pool of college students and have my journals bound into books for my grandchildren. 

I have always lived in small spaces because of affordability and I’ve learned to buy only what I need. I was also advised by the people in the tiny house community to preserve and recycle any items that can be included in building my house. The hardest part of this downsizing is going to be my kitchen, I want to keep everything. I like to cook, bake and entertain, so this will be my last project. 

In the meantime, I am learning from the people in the tiny house community, to cut spending as much as possible, only buy what’s necessary, clean up my credit, pay off all credit cards, and practice living like a minimalist advice that I am taking very seriously. 

Before the sunset I ventured outside for a fifteen minute walk in the snow and rewarded myself with a muffin. So, this is day two of my week at home. The next three days I will spend completing two books I am reading at the same time, and preparing for next week. I am ready to get back to teaching and going outside traveling to work at least two days a week.

I enjoy this time at  home, but I do need to have interaction with others and not so much isolation.

Thank you for reading. How is your week?