Fear of the golden years

Dear Readers,

My sister’s birthday 🎉

At what age did you start to fear being alone during ” the golden years?” I took for granted that I would have a life partner to grow old with. I partyed hard in my early 20’s survived an abusive relationship, party hard again in my 30’s while working my way through college. At 40 I was weary of the party scene and dead end relationships. To be honest with you I thought I would remarry and get it right the second time around, nope didn’t happen. After two failed engagements at the age of 52, I stopped dating, having useless sex, got into therapy worked on myself, meaning all the parts of me I knew were broken and need to heal and rest. I got to know the real me and discovered hidden talents.

I am 57, and facing one of my greatest fear, not death, being alone, no partner living everyday alone. I live in New York City with 8 million people and ironically it’s very lonely, and good lasting friendships are difficult to establish and maintain. People are busy bees in New York City, and schedule each other into their daily calendars. I’ve tried online dating horror experience, I don’t go to bars because men are on the hunt to score a lay. It’s draining getting to know a new person only to have the situation not work out and to start again.

People say that living along is exciting and freeing, no one to answer to or to control you. I think people who feel this way are not happy in their present relationships or family life. Yes, there is some truth that people who live alone have more fun. As I advance in age I fear being alone. when I voiced my concerns I’ve heard, you will meet someone when you stop looking, or reprimanded for being too picky. Why should I settle? I am talking about the rest of my life and I want to be happy with my partner. I am ready to travel more and explore new hobbies. This isn’t about me trying to relive my youth looking for the next thrill. I want to feel connected to the people in my community, establish good trusting friendships, but technology has replaced face to face interaction, and to add insult to injury men my age ( 55-60) they desire younger women, not a woman of quality, good values, substance.

I’ve decided to work until I am 63, in the meantime, I am in the process of choosing which of the 10 states that will allow me to build my tiny retirement home. During a conversation with one of my friends he suggest that I should think about relocating before building the house. I am going to deeply consider this option. I noticed that each state I visit the people are connected, they don’t rush, family style eating is at the center of their life, and people who live in small country surroundings show that they care about their neighbors. This is what I need. If I am not going to find a life partner then I wish to be surrounded around a community of people who will take care of me in my golden years.

In the meantime, the virus is making it difficult to go out and join books clubs and gardening communities. I am hoping summer of 2022 I can engage in more face to face activities.

Thank you for stopping by dragthepen. I hope this post will inspire people to reconnect.

Photo by Alexandr Podvalny on Pexels.com

My Day To Rant!

Dear Readers,

At last count I heard it’s been almost two years since all hell broke loose and we were ordered to shelter in place. Presently, I am feeling worn down due to the everlasting threat of the Virus.

For a long time I’ve pretended to be okay. I expected the fact that I had to stay home, be careful about were I go, not allow people into my house, double mask for the two days I take public transportation to work. I rarely ventured out to family dinners in fear of not knowing who’s been around who.

I’ve been walking on the outside of the school yard to help get rid of the twenty pounds of coronavirus weight. I am afraid to go back to my gym, and when I visit my nail salon, I beg for an early morning appointment and wear a mask and face shield.

I ceased accepting invites to dine out because outdoor dinning isn’t fun in the cooler temps, I live in New York City and baby it’s getting cold outside. I recently book a ticket on Amtrak to visit my mother in South Carolina, ignoring the suggestion to have a virtual celebration. my mother is 78 years old and she deserves to have family around during the holidays.

Why am I saying all of this? It’s taken me a few months to understand how living in fear has taken a mental and emotional toll. I am exhausted just from worrying. Staying at home turned my once toned body into a lump of Jell-O. My sleeping schedule is like riding on a roller coaster to the point that I am taking melatonin. Getting dressed up and wearing make up such a task that I don’t bother anymore.

A few weeks ago when I was at worse, I took a deep breath, and said out loud,” this is madness complete madness I can’t continue on like this or I will end up in the nut house.” So, I took matters into my own hands. I said, ” self as silly and fearful as this sounds we are going to have to learn to live with this virus.”

I carfully looked at my opinions. I teach a college course two days online, instead of staying home both days, I gladly go to the school, and sit in my office leaving the door open, and wear my mask. I have a great view of the Hudson River and I placed a chair at the door for people to sit and talk. It’s going on week four and it’s been great connecting to people.

On Tuesdays, I am back with my chours. Most of the members are vaccined we wear masks and socially distance during the entire rehearsal. When the college reached and asked if I wanted to work extra hours on Wednesday’s, for academic coaching to help the students who are struggling to adjust to online and distance learning, I proudly and eagerly said yes.

The fear is still there but it’s getting less and less, in other words, I don’t allow fear to dance on top of my head drowning me in a pit of sorrow and depression. I am working on adopting a small dog, so I won’t feel alone and walking a dog will get me out of the house. The other two days I have my part-time gig in a group home.

With that said, I look forward to my Thanksgiving trip to see mother, and planning my March birthday trip to Vegas, in addition to my advanced booking for the Easter three day retreat in the beautiful country side of Connecticut. I have not made up my mind what I am going to do about going back to the gym, but in the meantime, I will push myself to get back into working out at home and take more outside walks.

I am feeling better and don’t view the world as a dangerous place. I continue to be cautious, but I am happy for the small changed I have made to improve the quality of my life and lessen my depression.

Thank you for listening you’ve been a great audience.

Football 🏈 day