Then the Darkness Came

Dear Readers, 

I knew what it was the moment I felt it. I went into fight mode. I didn’t want to feel it not now. After all I made it through the months of being sheltered in place without giving into that feeling, so why now?  I don’t need this darkness to invade my life, interrupting my sleep, pressing down on me and taking away my will to live. I want to be happy, I desire to be whole. After all the B.S. that I have fought back from and survived why is it coming around now? 

When the light goes away I can’t think my thoughts become heavy, and my body turns into a pillar of stone. The harder I fight back against the gloom that threatens to overwhelm me with waves of sadness and flashback from my past choking me, and robbing me of the chance to see the brightness of the sun and to breath fresh air. So, I sink deeper and deeper into despair. 

AND THEN THE DARKNESS CAME……

Since the age of 17 I have been in a battle for my life with Depression. The suffering and pain of   mental illness is REAL, and the challenge to get through each second, hour and an entire day, is like pushing a one tone boulder up a steep hill with one hand.  I consider myself to be one of the lucky people who have fought this battle without medication,  but at a high price. The demons of depression will robe your soul and suck any glimmer of light and hope that tries to emerge. 

Before you ask, there is no wishing mental illness away, a vacation won’t cure it, spa day will just give a temporary reprieve, and for all the PRICKS out there who think that people who have lots of money have no reason to be depressed, well, if you walked 24 hours in a person shoes who is suffering from depression, and experience the inner hell that takes over mind, soul and spirit, you will have a better understanding of this dark abyss of misery. 

I am lucky this time the depression only lasted a month and I am slowly returning to a temporary normal. I have a few projects I am working on and the depression has set me back, but you will be hearing from me very soon. 

Thank you for stopping by dragthepen

Looking in the Mirror, time for reflection

Time For A New Attitude

Dear Readers, 

If this is your first time following me, dragthepen is dedicated to discussing issues that impact our relationships and our daily lives. Last week Monday, I was live on facebook and asked my viewers  this question, When we were ordered to be sheltered in place what changes took place in their marriage, partnership, or entanglement? This discussion is focused on you about self reflection, question,  have you given any thought to how you’ve changed or made changes in your life since being sheltered in place?

While enclosed in our homes we had a lot to handle trying to maintain a healthy mental and emotional balance. Now that we have had time to enjoy summer and fall and winter is fast approaching, have you taken time to think about your life and the adjustments that moving forward require you to make?

Most people don’t want down time to reflect on their lives because they may discover areas of their life that makes them uncomfortable to think about. Instead, they prefer to avoid what needs to be addressed. It takes a brave and honest person to confess weakness, struggles and disappointments.

Can you honestly look at yourself in the mirror and say to yourself that before the coronavirus rolled into town that you were 100 percent happy with all areas of your life? Or were moments when you came to the conclusion that you should reevaluate your life.

I understand that people continue to struggle with finances, unemployment, home school, working from home, eviction, and are simply concerned about their future. I’ve had conversations with family members, friends, co- workers and other people who say, “that this crisis has caused them to come face to face with areas of their life that they either avoided improving and they have regrets and hope to have a chance to make changes.”

Some people said that they regret not taking vacations and enjoying life more, they should have watched their spending and saved more money, completed their education, made an effort to work on their relationships, and complete unfinished projects, they worry over the pain caused by broken promises. I heard repeatedly from people that this crisis has called to their attention the things in life that are truly important. This nation has been through a great test this year concerning the destruction from the corona virus and racial tension and it seems that nothing is getting better, so it’s easy for people to give up.   

And with all the things that people have to cope with it’s difficult for them to think about self-care. I am saying to you take a moment to think about how this crisis has changed you. What is important to you in order to move forward, make changes and create a better life. Take a moment for you. 

I’ve taken advantage of this down time reading more, and I’ve discovered that I like this slower pace of life. I have decided not to go back to draining myself on the grind. I want a more focused life, working on projects that have meaning and purpose, no more filling up my calendar until I can’t breathe, I don’t have to be all things to all people. I enjoy blogging, writing books, ( My third  will be released  Dec). I want time to produce more YouTube videos for my channel Conversations with J. R. Floyd. I am working on my script for a documentary I will produce in the summer of 2021. Oh and the biggest change I am transitioning to a new profession. This new career move will allow me the time to pursue all the goals that I have planned.

The world has changed and it will continue to change. changes that wasn’t expected but the coronavirus has forced us to change. How are you going to move forward and embrace CHANGE?

Thank you for stopping by dragthepen.

More About Me

Dear Readers, 

My journey as a blogger, author, and creator of my YouTube channel Conversations with J. R. Floyd, is a personal pilgrimage of healing from a life of chaos and emotional brokenness through deep reflection and self-discovery; leading me to find a new path and live a better life. The events of my past and the trauma connected to those experiences had a profound affect on how I lived my life and the choices I made. I transitioned from an abused and neglected childhood, to a confusing and dark adolescent into adulthood where I made enormous mistakes that are too numerous to recall. 

It wasn’t until I hit rock bottom at the age of 30 that I acquired professional help. I was raised in a religious home and my parents taught their children that all they need to solve their problems is the Bible and prayer. I lived a sheltered life, and looking back at the adults during my childhood they taught me nothing. One of many lessons I learned from therapy is that my parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles lack of knowledge is due to generations of them being in survival mode. I was angry for years at my parents because they didn’t protect me from falling into the cruel ditches of this world; instead my father was busy being a disciplinary and ruling his family with an iron fist, so I learned to fear my father and withdraw. My mother was a hopeless domestic diva who showed no emotions except anger. 

After my experience with therapy I concluded that many of my problems I encountered derived from my childhood, and the adults having influences grooming my young mind filling it with mixed messages and myths that I discovered as an adult were wrong, misleading and harmful.  

My childhood home was constantly in chaos, alcohol and drug, domestic violence, screaming, male domination, and subservient women. When children are not reared in homes that are loving, balanced, financially and emotionally ready, support from extended family members, and nurturing and safe; the results can be devastating, trust me I know from experience. 

1. Children from dysfunctional or broken families and hindered from seeking out their own identity separate from the family, they are marked the” Black Sheep’ and treated as such. 
2. When parents make decisions for their children based on the theory that they are too young or emotionally immature to make decisions for themselves; the result is children who grow into adults who make poor choices.
3. Children who are not taught how to cope with loss, death, separation, relocation of living situations, adults need to bear in mind that children have emotions that they don’t understand, and when they aren’t given the support, love and encouragement they need to cope with loss, the result is an adult who can’t cope with life.
4. When children transition into adolescence this is a confusing period of their life, they need help, patience and guidance, because this is when most of the troubles begin because adults don’t pay attention to their needs, and label teenagers as difficult.  

My intentions is for my readers to understand the reason behind some of my postings that might seem personal or disturbing. I hope that I can help others who are or have  struggled with past childhood trauma to understand that the pain doesn’t have to last forever and that there is a rainbow at the end of rain.

Thank you for stopping by dragthepen.

Corona Virus the second wave, are you ready?

The Hate You Give, not the movie

Dear Readers, 

Hate, an intense or passionate dislike for a thing or person

Hate has always existed since the beginning of civilization began the struggle for group A to dominate group B. Even though group B is stronger in population, however, it is the resources that group A has in their procession that helps them to suppress group B, making them seem like the weaker group and deemed less qualified for basic human needs. 

Some people claim that this current atmosphere of HATE is caused by our 45th President. There is no denying that #45 has made his position clear how he feels about immigrants and people of color. His desire to “Make American Great Again” is a vision and mission for the white race, the wealthy, and  the elite. Our 45th President boldly verbalize what many people like him believe , but they are crowds and hide behind #45 who has the guts to be honest. Regardless to whether we the people feel #45 ideology is wrong and he is destroying this nation, and he isn’t bothered by the HATERS. 

HATE was here long before #45 was elected President, and there is no denying since this administration has taken office there has been an increase in racial tension. The swell in anger and protests is due to political leaders who claim to be knee deep in the fight against the corona virus and overseeing the economy. They claim to have no time to commit to working with leaders in the black community to engage in conversation about change and helping to create new policies that can help solve this dividing race line, W. E. B. Dubois referred to this as “… the color line.”

Political Leaders’ failure to acknowledge that there is a problem based on their viewpoint that it’s not that black lives don’t matter, it is the issues that challenge the black community that don’t matter. Police brutality, racial profiling, stop and frisk, segregated schools and neighborhoods, class status, increased incarceration of black and brown men and women, low wages, housing discrimination, double standards in healthcare and due process. This is a short end of a long list of problems that have manifested this fog of HATE.

I know that it’s going to take more than just talking and nothing is going to be solved overnight. It’s going to take honest men to stand up and admit that the only way to HEAL the land is for them to admit there is a problem, that  they are a part of the problem, and be bold enough to be a big part of the solution to stop the HATE. 

Chants at corner of 5th and Pike St during the Black Lives Matter protest, in Seattle, WA, Friday, Nov. 27, 2015.
(Alan Berner / The Seattle Times)

Thank you for stopping by drathepen

 

Together Saving the World

Hold onto Hope. We Can Win

Good day Readers, 

I want to encourage people to hold onto HOPE. Not for a day, a week, a month or for a year, but hold onto HOPE until change happens.  I know change will happen, are you paying attention to the movement of people who are gathering to shout with a collective voice for change. I call your attention to what is happening and not to what you think is not happening. We are faced with many challenges. First, political leaders want people to think that the worse of the coronations is over. I say, it is important that people fight back against this falsehood, get tested and learn how to take care of yourself and your family. Second, politicians are withholding financial funding from a population of people who are in desperate need, they are doing this in hope they can scare people into re-electing this current administration.  

The Trump Administration and other Republican politicians have ignored the rascal tension that continues to divide this nation, these are the people who should lead by example and work together to stop this war on the black and brown communities. What these politicians want the masses to believe is that we are weak and powerless and they are strong and hold all the power, this a falsehood that we must dismantle by VOTING them out. This is how we the people use our power, our voices. I know it seems that we are beginning beaten down by budget cuts, mass unemployment, the virus, increased police brutality,  reopening of schools placing our children in danger, while the wealthy children remain safe. 

Most people are ready to write this year off as a loss, as we continue to face the warning about a second wave of this virus, while businesses are struggling to stay open. We are experiencing the loss of people who are of great value to the black community. But we are not beaten. One by one other organizations are no longer standing by the sidelines silent. We have witnessed the action of the NBA, NBL, and the NWBL. The black community made history once again when the young Yolanda Renee King, granddaughter of Martin Luther King the 3rd, raised her voice at the recent March on Washington, reminding the masses how crucial it is to remember and revive the vision, the dream to end racism.To continue the fight towards true emancipation from shackles of a system of dominance that have kept black and brown people locked in a crippling cycle of poverty, ignorance, and mental anguish. After more than 400 years black people are still considered intruders in a land where white supremacy threatens to kill the dream. We must collectively must hold onto HOPE for this generation and future generations.

Please stop the looting, fight and continue to march in the name of progress, keep taking a knee in silent protest, we must push back against this current administration, THEY HAVE FAILED US. 

Thank you for stopping by dragthepen.

Summer is ending but the enjoyment doesn’t have to end

Life from a different perspective

Dear Readers,

Despite the circumstances I hope that you have enjoyed the summer because it’s not over yet. I understand that people are concerned about summer ending. We’ve gotten caught up in enjoying being outside and feeling less stressed. You should continue to enjoy a slower pace there is no reason to begin to stir up panic about the natural changing of the season.

I know its been a difficult year, and the fear of shutting down and go back to begin sheltered in place, and facing the unknown. I admit there is cause for concern, but let me remind you about WIN, What’s Important Now. I said this many months ago when we were first ordered to shelter in place.

What’s important Now is that we have time to create a plan to continue to work from home, develop a structured schedule for home schooling, and think of ways to maintain good emotional, mental and physical health. Remember, we have  struggled through a tremendous crisis, it was difficult, but once people understood the seriousness of this predicament, we did what was needed to remain stay.

I know its easier to keep a positive attitude when we can enjoy warmer weather, and spreading out makes people feel better emotionally. May I suggest looking  forward to the changing seasons with excitement and enjoyment. Continue to stay safe, think about the children this situation has been especially difficult for them , maintain calmness,  and start to think about how your going to structure daily life once we are indoors. In the meantime, enjoy.

Thank you for stopping by dragthepen.