Sister’s Can You Relate?

I want to start dating again, but as a woman I don’t know if this is politically correct. Why, because women are told that they are supposed to wait for their husband, and that women are not to chase men rather they are to pursue us. However, the ultimate question is what does dating mean? In my case I went from a naive 17 year old virgin to a clueless teenager mother, and all of my experiences with dating were horrible. I thought that dating meant getting married and riding off into the sunset happily ever after. Looking back I now understand that I didn’t have to respond to every man that whistled at me, and that some men inttention weren’t honorable.

Anyway, I’ve spend years going through the healing process from a abused childhood, survivor of domestic volience, and other dysfunctional intimate situationships. The darkness and chaos in my life lead me to seek help to understand why my life was out of order. It’s been a long and painful process of self reflection, therapy, diving into self help books, yoga, self care retreats, choosing to remain single, no dating and practicing celibacy.
Despite all the new knowledge I have aquired my journey has been lonely. But I had to do what was needed to understand the behavior, thinking, and addictive patterns that kept me in a cycle of depression, relationship drama, and repeating the same mistakes both professionally and personally. Year after year I purged myself of the demons of my past. I feel good about where I am in life. I have a better vision of my purpose, how and what I need to accomplish my goals, but what I lack is companionship from a partner that’s my equal.

At the age of 57, I desire to be courted respectfully and properly, with sincerity instead of lies and con games. I need pure dating without the pressure of quick meaningless intimacy. I have various interest, I love the outdoors camping life style, driving cross country, exploring new cusine, gardening, reading, cooking and entertaining family and friends. I am working towards building a tiny house for retirement, and will continue to pursue, publishing books, blogging, and entering a new stage of my career as a public speaker. I still have some self work to do, but I know that I can enter a relationship fresh with less baggage. The only hinders besides getting past the fear of dating is waiting until it is safe to go out and meet people due to the coronavirus. In the meantime, I will remain hopeful.

Thank you for stopping by dragthepen ❤️

The Dangerous of Relationship Myths

Dear Readers,

I am no relationship expert, let the truth be told, I have failed at every attempt of establishing and maintaining a lasting intimate partnership.Yes, I am willing to be vulnerable and bare my soul by taking responsibility for why I entered and participated in many dysfunctional intimate and personal relationships that only served the purpose of robbing me of my self worth.

How many times we’ve heard this saying
” experience is the best teacher,” this is not true in all areas of life. After surviving some experiences that threatened to rob me of life and hope. What I now know is that I would have benefited from some information, preparation and foundation about certain areas of life that I had the least experience. Sometimes when individuals are left out to hang so to speak, that saying, ” experience is the best teacher” can leave some people with lasting emotional and mental damage.

I created the YouTube channel, Conversations with J R Floyd, to openly discuss relationship myths that lead people into dysfunctional relationships. These myths damage self esteem, and self worth. We learn to be mistrustful, how to scheme, not to show our authentic self because we don’t know who we are. Damaged people know who they are by what’s others tell them who they are according to personal bias.

As a society we will not be able to heal and gain clarity, if we are not willing to point the finger of blame correctly where it belongs, learn to forgive others and ourself, and go through a process healing to close the wounds inflicted as a results of emotional and mental trauma. I lived in denial for years, blinded by hopeless and anger, surrounded by broken people like myself. I am happy to say that I dug deep for my healing. I honor the entire journey even the dark, lonely, hopeless days. Today, I stand on firm ground, I know who I am and have better clarity and purpose. My experiences did not kill me, some made me stronger, wiser and most important when to seek help.

Some relationship myths

  1. If he lays with you he will stay with you. This is not necessarily true.
  2. Being labeled baby mama doesn’t equal being a wife. Most women who give birth to children without being legally married expect to be treated like a wife
  3. Shacking up means he is keeping his options open. Ask yourself a question, why isn’t he honoring you with marriage?
  4. There is no honor in being someone side piece. This seems to be a dangerous trend that is honored in today’s society.
  5. Women who devote years of their lives to a man who aren’t their husband. To each his own, but don’t be angry when he marrys someone else
  6. He or she isn’t the one, so you try to change them. It’s not our duty to change anyone. Accept and allow people to be who they are or move on and find your equal.
  7. Ladies if he is dating and calling you only at night, recognize what you are, ” a booty call”
  8. It’s cheaper to keep her inside of seeking a divorce. Ladies this is how men feel about you when he has invested financially in a marriage or long term partnership.
  9. Having any man is better than no man, even if he is somebody else’s man. In other words, your a side piece
  10. People are justified when they have sexual relationships outside of their marriage.

These are just a few myths and topics on my YouTube channel, conversations with J R Floyd. Join me.

Thank you for stopping by dragthepen ❤️

Putting your foot in your Mouth

Dear Readers,

Somebody please help me to understand this….during another conversation with a brother about my upcoming cross country drive from New York City to California with a very close male friend, he revealed an ugly truth about how not having all the facts can lead to biased  thinking. 

To make a long story short. 

The male that engaged me in conversation suggested that my cross country drive with a man is a  romantic vacation. I corrected his assumption by stating that “although I was once involved in a long term relationship ( 1999-2004) with my travel partner, we remained good friends, but not friends with benefits because I don’t play that game.”

Him: What are you kidding me ? How can a man keep his hands to himself across the whole country?

Me: Because we are both mature adults and he knows that I don’t lay around for the fun of it.

Him: Oh boy…ain’t no way I could do that with you…I would be all over you…I adore you.?

While I am flattered by the comment, this is a man who I don’t know very well, and we had one dinner date many years ago. I am thankful to him because he was the first person to interview me for my first book, The Waiting Game, back in 2016 for his radio station. And we have not  been in each other’s presence since that time. 

Me: All men are not the same. Your attitude is the reason why I remain single and celibate. Men like you need to learn and understand regardless of their former relationship or current situation with any woman, this doesn’t give any man an open door or invitation to touch a woman without asking. 

Him: Well I ain’t gonna lie…I would have to be in a straight jacket to not touch you for that long. Wow that torture. 

Another reminder, I have never been in any situation with this man that would suggest that I was attracted to him. He continued the conversation by calling me a dominatrix.. And that he would have to be handcuffed and gagged to be next to me for such a long period of  time. The next part of the conversation is what pushed my bell and is the driving force behind me making this conversation public. 

Him: I wish you would just be honest and not play games.. That’s it you’re a control freak!! You don’t want a man, you want a pet.  Or He must be gay.

I found his train of thinking and assumption about me and my travel partner to be insulting and disrespectful. I blasted back with 

Me: First of all, why are you talking to me in this manner? I am single because it’s my choice. Secondly, the gentleman I am traveling with is just that, a respectful man who lives by good values and morals and understands boundaries, he is the perfect travel partner to take this trip of a lifetime with. Finally, please refrain from speaking to me in such a manner you have no right to judge me or him. I am shocked at how one black man can label another brother “ Gay” becuase he choos to carry himslf with respect, dignity and most important show a woman her worth. 

Him: I didn’t mean to disrespect you.. You are absolutely right!! I have  friendships with people too. I’m sorry.  

For the people reading this conversation please understand my intent is not to embarrass anyone, on the contrary, I want people to understand the harm they cause by making assumptions about others based on personal biases, misinformation and lacking maturity to keep an open mind. The fact that he referred to my traveling partner as “ Gay “is offensive and an attack on a person he doesn’t know. To the people in society who have a negative mindset that men and women can’t be friends without physical inimatancy, I am sorry that you have brought into a myth, and you’re  missing out on a bond that can last a lifetime. I am proud to say that I have six outstanding male friends. 

Bottom line, think before you speak and stop throwing the people from the LGBTQIA community under the bus. 

What say you?

Victim I am Not

Dear Readers,

Lately, I’ve been thinking that maybe I should rethink what it means to be a victim. Let me explain, once upon a time about 26 years, I escaped a violent marriage, and before that at the age of 18, I was abandoned by my son’s father. There was a time in my life I spent years experimenting with drugs and heavy drinking, but I got clean and sober. While I was going through years of therapy and the healing process, I was told by the professionals, that I was a victim of domestic volience, a victim of drug abuse and I was victimized by my son’s father, and all of these experiences resulted in me being a survivor.

So, each time I told my story I used the words victim or survivor. Recently, I began to think about what being a victim means to me. I admit that I did survive all of the previous mentioned experiences and not only did I survive, but I thrived, and learned valuable lessons from each experience, no matter how painful and that’s putting it nicely. But the knowledge made me stronger, and helped me to mature into a emotionally balanced person.

I don’t want to think of myself as a victim or survivor, but a conqueror. I admit that there were times in my life when I felt so low and broken that I didn’t think I could ever make a come back. I did more than make a come back, I soared past the limitations that was placed on me.

Unlike the individuals who consider themselves victims or survivors, I do not carry battle scares and my wounds have healed years ago. I stop volunteering to speak about the years of mental, verbal, and emotional abuse by my Ex. And, I am happy to report that my son has matured into am amazing man of valor. Lately, I dare not go back to abusing myself with alcohol because I like being sober.

I once was a victim, but I survived, thrived, overcame, and conquered. We should be careful when labeling individuals a victim. If people continue to hear the word victim, they may never understand that beginning a victim isn’t forever, and that being a survivor means they want to be a conqueror, and not relive what made them a victim.

Thank you for stopping by dragthepen

Family Values

Dear parents, grandparents, and other extended family members. Are you paying attention to how your dressing or allowing your young daughter’s to dress? Shorts are getting shorter and butt cheeks are hanging out. T-shirts are tighter and smaller exposing young breast. Dresses are shorter exposing innocent private areas. Leggings are becoming thinner featuring panty lines. Parents your thinking these are my children and no one has the right to tell you how to raise them. Reminder, this is a different world morals, values, and respect are not important to child molesters. I am thankful that back in the day I was raised and protected by a village.

Thank you for stopping by dragthepen.

All is not Fair

Dear Readers,

There are laws against
Antisemitism
Antiasian
White people hide behind the Constitution of the United States.
Laws for the protection of the LGTBTQIA community.
Animal Cruelty laws
Laws to protect people with disabilities

But no laws protecting people of color from crimes committed against them.

The struggle continues

Thank you for stopping by dragthepen ❤️

Mental illness their story 👀

Photo by James Wheeler on Pexels.com

” Mental Health Awareness” month, is coming to an end. I would like to remind others that” hurting people will hurt others” might be true, however, we don’t know the stories that lead hurting people to inflect pain on others. Not using this as an excuse, but have you ever stopped to think that their behavior is all they know? It is easy to come to our own conclusion or judge others based on their behavior, lack of emotional control, or people who seem distant, meaning they don’t react to situations in the matter we precive as the ” norm.” We don’t know how many hurting people come from abusive homes, witnessed domestic violence, experienced sexual assault, neglect, physical, verbal and mental abuse.

Even if hurting people break free from the situations that result in them becoming emotionally broken suffering from PTSD, acholiism, or other forms of drugs addiction to surrpessed the pian of their experiences, another reminder, they are not bad people. I am saddenly reminded of a childhood friend who struggled with the painful experience of being violenctly rape at the age of 12. The experience transformed her from a happy innocent child to a life of being promiscuous, and becoming an acholic dying from AIDS. I am old almost faded picture of use as children setting on a bench laughing and eating Ice cream 🍦. Each time I look at that picture I think about how she struggled to live a ” normal life” but the pain of that day consumed her.

Even if you don’t understand the experiences of hurting people, remember you haven’t walked in their shoes. Prayer, compassion, listening, and patients is all anyone deserve.

Photo by Karolina Grabowska on Pexels.com