Prince Charming Left the Building

Dear Readers,

It’s been a long time since I’ve talked about a relationship topic. The world has been turned upside down by this pandemic, and people have more pressing issues to think about then relationships. I’ve heard people talk about the challenges they faced during the first half of the pandemic when we were ordered to be sheltered in place. 

Now that some restrictions have been lifted I guess people are beginning to venture out and start to date again. In my case I’ve been dateless for two years, partly by choice and also because I am on a journey of healing and self discovery, but I know I can’t hide forever. 

What do men and women like me do when they fear going back out into the hopeless society of dating. My first book entitled The Waiting Game is inspired by my tragic relationships and my  misconception that everyone in the dating game is  looking for the real deal. 

It took a lot for me to admit to myself and to confess to you that I don’t want to be alone, don’t get my message wrong, I am comfortable with my own company, and I will continue to discover more of who I am and what I need and don’t need from an intimate relationship. The bottom line for me is that I am afraid of being played again, and having to start over getting to know someone new and thinking about who to truth. 

In the past I realized I moved to fast in the relationships that turned out to be messy situationships. not only did I move too fast, but I allowed myself to be pushed in directions that I felt uncomfortable with. Is it just me or my thinking that men are not interested in being patient and taking things slow. They want to know right away what’s in it for them in other words they are not wasting their time if they are getting their needs met. 

I am 57 years old and it’s been my experience that men my age want younger women. You know the type of  OG’s  who are looking to relieve their youth.  Or the men I use to meet who are only interested in netflix and chill nights at home. Now that the coronavirus is here this adds another hindrance, so now I don’t dare think about venturing out into the dating scene.

Listen, I am not asking for prince charming to come alone and sweep me off my feet, that fantasy sailed a long time ago. It’s  simple: where are the honest men who haven’t been tinted by gold diggers, cheating women, or been broken and beaten by too many bad relationships, not on the DL,  know who they are what they want, and are emotionally stable and want to be in a relationship for the right reasons. Where are the men who appreciate women like me who go out every day to earn an honest living, have a plan for the future, good family and friend relationships, and live by a moral code of good ethics and values. 

Where are the men who desire to be in a monogamous relationship without the urge to have side pieces. Where are the men who dare to go the distance in a long term partnership regardless of the ditches and valleys. Where are the men  who are willing to accept me for who I am the way I am and not reject me based on what I don’t have. 

Where are the men who don’t believe in being community property by sleeping around and collecting baby mamas. Where are the men who understand their responsibility and accountability when they make the decision to enter into a relationship they claim they want. It’s simple, just be honest with yourself first, I don’t want to be played or layed. I desire to be respected, except, loved, protected, supported and understanding for my life vision and open communication. I want honesty, romance, creativity, someone with a strong family bond, confidence, intelligence, sense of humor, good hygiene and healthy eating habits, belief in God, and someone who believes in friendship is the foundation of any relationship. 

I don’t know where these men are but if they are out there somebody let them know that women like me are waiting for them.

Time For A New Attitude

Dear Readers, 

If this is your first time following me, dragthepen is dedicated to discussing issues that impact our relationships and our daily lives. Last week Monday, I was live on facebook and asked my viewers  this question, When we were ordered to be sheltered in place what changes took place in their marriage, partnership, or entanglement? This discussion is focused on you about self reflection, question,  have you given any thought to how you’ve changed or made changes in your life since being sheltered in place?

While enclosed in our homes we had a lot to handle trying to maintain a healthy mental and emotional balance. Now that we have had time to enjoy summer and fall and winter is fast approaching, have you taken time to think about your life and the adjustments that moving forward require you to make?

Most people don’t want down time to reflect on their lives because they may discover areas of their life that makes them uncomfortable to think about. Instead, they prefer to avoid what needs to be addressed. It takes a brave and honest person to confess weakness, struggles and disappointments.

Can you honestly look at yourself in the mirror and say to yourself that before the coronavirus rolled into town that you were 100 percent happy with all areas of your life? Or were moments when you came to the conclusion that you should reevaluate your life.

I understand that people continue to struggle with finances, unemployment, home school, working from home, eviction, and are simply concerned about their future. I’ve had conversations with family members, friends, co- workers and other people who say, “that this crisis has caused them to come face to face with areas of their life that they either avoided improving and they have regrets and hope to have a chance to make changes.”

Some people said that they regret not taking vacations and enjoying life more, they should have watched their spending and saved more money, completed their education, made an effort to work on their relationships, and complete unfinished projects, they worry over the pain caused by broken promises. I heard repeatedly from people that this crisis has called to their attention the things in life that are truly important. This nation has been through a great test this year concerning the destruction from the corona virus and racial tension and it seems that nothing is getting better, so it’s easy for people to give up.   

And with all the things that people have to cope with it’s difficult for them to think about self-care. I am saying to you take a moment to think about how this crisis has changed you. What is important to you in order to move forward, make changes and create a better life. Take a moment for you. 

I’ve taken advantage of this down time reading more, and I’ve discovered that I like this slower pace of life. I have decided not to go back to draining myself on the grind. I want a more focused life, working on projects that have meaning and purpose, no more filling up my calendar until I can’t breathe, I don’t have to be all things to all people. I enjoy blogging, writing books, ( My third  will be released  Dec). I want time to produce more YouTube videos for my channel Conversations with J. R. Floyd. I am working on my script for a documentary I will produce in the summer of 2021. Oh and the biggest change I am transitioning to a new profession. This new career move will allow me the time to pursue all the goals that I have planned.

The world has changed and it will continue to change. changes that wasn’t expected but the coronavirus has forced us to change. How are you going to move forward and embrace CHANGE?

Thank you for stopping by dragthepen.

More About Me

Dear Readers, 

My journey as a blogger, author, and creator of my YouTube channel Conversations with J. R. Floyd, is a personal pilgrimage of healing from a life of chaos and emotional brokenness through deep reflection and self-discovery; leading me to find a new path and live a better life. The events of my past and the trauma connected to those experiences had a profound affect on how I lived my life and the choices I made. I transitioned from an abused and neglected childhood, to a confusing and dark adolescent into adulthood where I made enormous mistakes that are too numerous to recall. 

It wasn’t until I hit rock bottom at the age of 30 that I acquired professional help. I was raised in a religious home and my parents taught their children that all they need to solve their problems is the Bible and prayer. I lived a sheltered life, and looking back at the adults during my childhood they taught me nothing. One of many lessons I learned from therapy is that my parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles lack of knowledge is due to generations of them being in survival mode. I was angry for years at my parents because they didn’t protect me from falling into the cruel ditches of this world; instead my father was busy being a disciplinary and ruling his family with an iron fist, so I learned to fear my father and withdraw. My mother was a hopeless domestic diva who showed no emotions except anger. 

After my experience with therapy I concluded that many of my problems I encountered derived from my childhood, and the adults having influences grooming my young mind filling it with mixed messages and myths that I discovered as an adult were wrong, misleading and harmful.  

My childhood home was constantly in chaos, alcohol and drug, domestic violence, screaming, male domination, and subservient women. When children are not reared in homes that are loving, balanced, financially and emotionally ready, support from extended family members, and nurturing and safe; the results can be devastating, trust me I know from experience. 

  1. Children from dysfunctional or broken families and hindered from seeking out their own identity separate from the family, they are marked the” Black Sheep’ and treated as such. 
  2. When parents make decisions for their children based on the theory that they are too young or emotionally immature to make decisions for themselves; the result is children who grow into adults who make poor choices.
  3. Children who are not taught how to cope with loss, death, separation, relocation of living situations, adults need to bear in mind that children have emotions that they don’t understand, and when they aren’t given the support, love and encouragement they need to cope with loss, the result is an adult who can’t cope with life.
  4. When children transition into adolescence this is a confusing period of their life, they need help, patience and guidance, because this is when most of the troubles begin because adults don’t pay attention to their needs, and label teenagers as difficult.  

My intentions is for my readers to understand the reason behind some of my postings that might seem personal or disturbing. I hope that I can help others who are or have  struggled with past childhood trauma to understand that the pain doesn’t have to last forever and that there is a rainbow at the end of rain.

Thank you for stopping by dragthepen.

The Hate You Give, not the movie

Dear Readers, 

Hate, an intense or passionate dislike for a thing or person

Hate has always existed since the beginning of civilization began the struggle for group A to dominate group B. Even though group B is stronger in population, however, it is the resources that group A has in their procession that helps them to suppress group B, making them seem like the weaker group and deemed less qualified for basic human needs. 

Some people claim that this current atmosphere of HATE is caused by our 45th President. There is no denying that #45 has made his position clear how he feels about immigrants and people of color. His desire to “Make American Great Again” is a vision and mission for the white race, the wealthy, and  the elite. Our 45th President boldly verbalize what many people like him believe , but they are crowds and hide behind #45 who has the guts to be honest. Regardless to whether we the people feel #45 ideology is wrong and he is destroying this nation, and he isn’t bothered by the HATERS. 

HATE was here long before #45 was elected President, and there is no denying since this administration has taken office there has been an increase in racial tension. The swell in anger and protests is due to political leaders who claim to be knee deep in the fight against the corona virus and overseeing the economy. They claim to have no time to commit to working with leaders in the black community to engage in conversation about change and helping to create new policies that can help solve this dividing race line, W. E. B. Dubois referred to this as “… the color line.”

Political Leaders’ failure to acknowledge that there is a problem based on their viewpoint that it’s not that black lives don’t matter, it is the issues that challenge the black community that don’t matter. Police brutality, racial profiling, stop and frisk, segregated schools and neighborhoods, class status, increased incarceration of black and brown men and women, low wages, housing discrimination, double standards in healthcare and due process. This is a short end of a long list of problems that have manifested this fog of HATE.

I know that it’s going to take more than just talking and nothing is going to be solved overnight. It’s going to take honest men to stand up and admit that the only way to HEAL the land is for them to admit there is a problem, that  they are a part of the problem, and be bold enough to be a big part of the solution to stop the HATE. 

Chants at corner of 5th and Pike St during the Black Lives Matter protest, in Seattle, WA, Friday, Nov. 27, 2015.
(Alan Berner / The Seattle Times)

Thank you for stopping by drathepen

 

Recovery Day

Dear Readers, 

Recovery day, some people advise taking a self care day. My question to you is do you take time to create a structured recovery day? While you’re thinking about the answer, bear in mind that some people become deeply caught up in the “ Grind” that they lose focus and the drive to create a good self care plan for them and family.  

Recovery day is an entire day off from physical and mental work. I am thankful that I live alone and my peace on recovery days is not disturb. Even if you live at home with family, think about introducing recovery day, especially if there are children in the home. Teaching children how to have a recovery day or down time will be helpful to their emotional and mental well-being, children will understand how to enjoy quiet time at home. Most homes are filled with  noise, chaos, 24 hours TV watching, video games, social media, babies crying, children running, playing, and fighting, and no one is paying attention to how all of this chaos and noise is affecting them emotionally and mentally.  

I am talking from experience. Growing up as a child privacy and quiet time was not taught it was frowned upon. My parents’ attitude was I lived in their house and should abide by their rules, so staying in my room for private or quiet time was viewed as being defiant. When I became an adult and started living on my own I began to understand the importance of developing good habits of structuring recovery days. 

 My rules for recovery day

  1. No house cleaning 
  2. Sleep late or just rest in bed
  3. Eat healthy foods and drink lots of water
  4. No checking social media, emails, or long phone conversations 
  5. Think about the week ahead and plan 
  6. If you have children limit watching television, read or play board games 
  7. Have a family meal and talk
  8. Connect with self wash your hair, give a self manicure and rub your feet 
  9. If the weather permits take a walk

 Recovery day should end either by making popcorn and watching a good movie or continue reading that book you want to finish, and go to bed early time.  

Thank to for stopping by dragthepen.

Are You a Passive Participant in your Life?

Dear Readers, 

By now you should be familiar with who I am and what I do. Recently, I posted my welcome video to Conversations with J. R. Floyd, my latest project on my YouTube channel, decided to issues that impact our intimate relationships and explore problems that destroy families. This month ( July 2020)  I am celebrating my 2nd anniversary for my  YouTube channel, and my path to healing years of emotional and spiritual brokenness. At the beginning of 2020, I asked my viewers, readers, bloggers, and supporters to join me in this year’s Theme of writing letters to self. This idea came to me while I was penning my third book, 90 Days of Reflection, Discovery and Renewal. During my journey of journaling for 90 days, I discovered that there were areas of my life that I thought that I had healed, but certain events in my life brought to my awareness that I need to revisit some old wounds that really hadn’t healed completely.   

I have written letters to myself, to people, ( My mother and father), to my supporters, to life, and to love, however, I never sat down and wrote a letter addressed to me. I spent years walking through life in a fog, meaning that my life had no direction nor did I have any good role models to support me. I walked around in darkness and pain, but  I wasn’t aware that I was suffering, I covered up my pain and distress by engaging in one bad relationship after another. I worked out like a fiend and stick to a strict vegetarian diet. I wanted everyone to see that I had my life together, but the truth was I would go home and fall to my knees in tears because wearing masks was exhausting. 

It wasn’t enough that I had worked my way through College, an accomplishment that I never celebrated because I wanted others to praise me and put me on a petals, and when this didn’t happen the seeds of anger were planted. When I didn’t get my dream job or what I thought was my dream,  the seeds of anger sprouted into buds of resentment.  It never dawned on me that I was spewing my bitterness at the wrong people. I didn’t know that I was supposed to create the life I wanted, instead, I was under the impression that life was supposed to bring me what I wanted just by me thinking it. I thought that if I was a “ good girl” and did all the right things, walk a “ good path” that all things good would come to me. So, I wasted years of my life hoping, wishing, praying, crying and wondering when am I going to catch a break? All this time I didn’t understand that I was a passive participant in my own life. It wasn’t until someone said to me, “ you don’t wait for people to give you an opportunity, you make your own” that Was in 2014. Since that time I’ve become an active participant in my own life.

The change didn’t happen overnight and I have had some setbacks, but the lessons and the progress I’ve made in the last three years is amazing. Blogging, publishing my own books, living my dream of singing in a classical chorus, traveling, creating my YouTube channel, and my latest project a new website Conversations with J. R. Floyd. I teach vision board workshops and coach people how to make their visions for their life a reality. I go to bed each night with a sense of purpose and accomplishment. Pursuing an intimate relationship is no longer a priority. I surrounded myself with people who encourage and support my life vision and growth. I cherish my new found peace and clarity, and looking forward to the new change in my career as a Case Planner working with children in foster care. My first love will always be teaching, but it is time for change. 

  

Thank you for stopping my dragthepen

        

both of my books are available on Amazon

The Journey; just getting started

Dear Readers,

I started out in 2015, not sure where the road would lead me. My dreams was to become a public school teacher work 20 years and retire. Well, life had other plans. Sometimes we can think too small and play life safe. Here is the short version, I survived an abusive childhood, domestic violence, bankruptcy, homelessness, and 2 years ago, the man who I thought was the last love of my life tuned out to be another abuser, so I left to start life over from ground zero at the age of 54. I survived it all and not only did I survive, I am victorious in my come back, while ;earning valuable lessons.  Above all to you my readers, you must believe in yourself. Take that dream out of your head and make it a reality. Through all the betrayals, disappointments, bumps. twists, valleys, and ditches, I didn’t develop thick skin, I learned the gift of compassion, and life humbled me. I found my purpose, and the last two years of my life have been the best.

Instead of becoming a public school teacher I am an adjunct English instructor. One blog in 2015, developed into Dragthepen and 600 blogger mates. I currently manage a You Tube channel, Conversations with J. R. Floyd, a platform to dedicated to discussing the issues that impact our relationships, empowering men and women to be better and to explore the failure of family, especially, in the African American Community. I truly believe that through conversation people can begin to heal their brokenness and learn to love themselves, and their family. I am living my dream of being a classical singer, and in June 2019 I performed at Carnegie  Hall, with the BMCC  New York City Downtown Chorus.

Almost five years later I am on my third book. They are no grand novels, but they do teach valuable lessons. The most valuable lesson put me first, and to surround myself with people who support my growth. Prince Charming might be out there, but at this time I am no longer interested in being some ones MRS. I am going to continue on this road its quite remarkable.

Join me on my journey.

my story about how relationship myths can lead to dyfuncational relationships.relationships.

the choice is yours.

This 90 days of reflection, discovery, and renewal is a personal journey of deep contemplation and a search for answers to a life in a constant battle with tragedy, depression, and hopelessness. For some people hitting a brick wall knocks the life out of them. My collision lead to a level of clarity to understand how unnecessary distractions and being unaware caused my life to veer of course. My experiences have taught me that sometimes a second chance can lead to a new beginning. ( SOON TO BE RELEASED )

ALL BOOKS ARE AVAILABLE ON AMAZON

thank you for stopping by dragthepen

The Rotting Soul

Dear Readers, 

Your past pain is an enemy, and when people say that they are suffering from a broken heart, I say, it is their spirit, soul and will that’s been broken and betrayed. My story is that  I spent years soaking in the pain of my past. I waited in anger for the people who hurt me to come back to me and acknowledge the physically, emotionally and mentally pain they caused me, I wanted my pain to be validated, so I proudly displayed my banner publicly announcing that I was a VICTIM, who have been mistreated, abused, neglected and I was wounded. I used my pain as an  excuse for my anger, hatred and bitterness. I lived my life  putting up walls, hurting others, and lashing out towards anyone who would not acknowledge my pain. My heart was cold, closed and hardened. I was blinded by misinformation, mixed messages, and confused emotions. While I was quickly disintegrating into my self imposed HELL. during this period of my life it never occurred to me to stop and reflect on the fact that I did not have the experience to detect and discern when people have bad intentions. 

 

I was not taught self-worth and self-respect meant, so my level of thinking was that of a naive child that is very trusting because children  don’t know evil, malice, and wrong doing until it is introduced to them. Another factor that led to me basking in my position as a VICTIM, I surrounded myself with people who supported my moaning and groaning of how I’ve been wronged. I lived in this pit of darkness from 1996-2006 just to give you an idea of how long I wallowed in my grief.  

How I began the long, long road to healing was people stopped listening to me rant. One by one person was dropping out of my life, and this increased my anger because the people who I thought understood my pain were busy on their path to healing. I didn’t want to heal, to me healing meant forgiving the people who hurt me. In my mind forgiveness means that they were off the hook, and they won’t be punished for the crimes committed against me. Over time  I slowly began to realize that the only person that I was hindering and harming was me. I was stuck mentally and emotionally, I wasn’t living. I arrived at the point that I wanted the self imposed drama to end. I had worked diligently to immerse myself deep into my misery, and little did I know I would have to put forth tireless effort to learn  how to process my pain in a positive manner. I utilize many support services secular and spiritual, I am not ashamed to say I spent 8 years in therapy learning to love and value myself. This eight year process included one year of art therapy, anger management, and one year of group and individual therapy.  

My journey towards healing and reclaiming my life lead me back to a painful childhood, the horrible events of adolescence that lead to poor choices as an adult. I learned that something  good was going to come from my pain. Looking back I had no idea that this healing process would profoundly change my life. I was molded into a completely new person. Through all the therapy sessions, tears, rage, unveiling and reliving the events of my past, it was worth the pages and pages of journals, and the times I dropped to my needs hunched over in pain purging myself of the anger that I allowed to ROT my soul, kill my spirit,  darken my heart, and block my blessings.  

From those years pain and healing I brought forth two novels about my journey walking towards a better life. I learned how to trust people, to have an open mind, and guard my naive heart. I developed into a mentor, motivational coach, writer and creator of the blog Dragthepen and the YouTube channel Conversations with J. R. Floyd. The more I share my story, counsel and coach others the better I become at listening with a non judgmental ear. I learned how to recognize true friendship, and what it means to be supportive, compassionate, and to show acts of kindness to others who have been broken.  It doesn’t matter the cause of your pain or past trauma, seeking help does not allow the past to lead you down a dark road of destruction of anger and loneliness. 

Thank you for stopping by Dragthepen.

The Day Will Come

 

Hello, hello, hello, dear readers happy reflection day.

On March 10, myself and thousands of Cuny and Suny employees were told not to report to work. We were put on alert that the entire teaching system will be converted to remote learning. We were given three days to  make the adjustment. During this transition period it was discovered that a large number of students did not have a home computer or the internet.Then bars, restaurants, hair and nail salons closed. Coffee shops, cafes, and any place that people gathered that created a crowd closed. Then we were ordered to shelter at home. I am an introvert, so being confined has not created a mental hardship for me. Because of this crisis people are realizing that we are not conditioned to be isolated, and this situation has created a devastating emotional effect on people. 

To date it’s been 6 or 7 weeks since we’ve been sheltered in place. In an effort to encourage people I’ve appeared each Monday live to discuss several topics that I hoped would give people hope and courage to work through this crisis.  

Week 1: I encourage people to come together in unity,  unity means strength.

Week 2: Reflect on W. I. N..what’s important now

Week 3: How to create and experience peace during a crisis

Week 4: Self- care the importance of taking care of self and family during a crisis

Week 5: How to use this time to create or recreate a new life plan

Week 6: Getting prepared for change. Wanting to go back to normal. Time to move forward

On Monday May 4. I will make my last live appearance on Facebook. On that day I will acknowledge the struggles people are facing the anxiety, uncertainty, and the battles people are facing in their homes, due to the mental and emotional damage this crisis had caused. People are concerned about their future and no one can give them solid answers.  I tried to warn people about the harm they are causing themselves by constantly talking about corona-virus and watching the news. I personally keep a distance from any news or people who are obsessed with having conversations about going back to normal. 

Today, I am here to pray with you, and for you. Yes, prayer. I am not asking people to believe in God. I am simply going to pray. On May 15, it will make 60 days ( 3 months ) since we have been asked to shelter in place. The plan in New York City is to open some business and wait two weeks to observe if the number of corona-virus cases increases or stays the same. Depending on the results the government will proceed to open more business in two week increments. There are a large number of people who are in a rush to get back to normal. I wonder if people are living in denial.

The world has changed and it will continue to change. Many of our favorite places may not reopen. Schools will remain closed until September 2020. No summer youth programs that create jobs for many young people who need them. Some people may not be able to return to their former places of employment. Summer might be cancelled. Meaning, no public concerts, closed beaches, and limitation on the use of public parks. On a personal note, I will continue to shelter in place teaching at home, my 45 minutes daily walks. I shop for food once a week, and work two days a week in a group home as a resident counselor. I have learned to be patient through this process finding ways to be creative. Unlike others I am in no hurry to race back out into society. No, I am not going to live in fear, just going to proceed with caution. My suggestion to others If you need to go out proceed with caution. We still don’t know  the who, what, when or where? There are so many conspiracy theories, and other peoples opinions on what they think is right.  I understand that the economy needs to be rebooted. The ease of social distancing doesn’t mean that all is well.

We may never know when all will be well. 

Thank you for stopping by Dragthepen.

 

Join me on Facebook ( Rahshemah Floyd/J. R. Floyd) https://www.facebook.com/rahshemahf