Today is the Day. The Chase is Over.

Dear Readers, 

It all came down to today. This is the day. The chase is over. I am 56 years old and I have finally reached the moment of full clarity, peace and the healing process is getting better and better. The feelings of heaviness, fear, anger, and resentment these emotions and voices will no longer have the power to burden me and whisper to me that I am not worth it. My healing process began in 1992 and at the time I thought that it would take me about a year to heal from the damage of my childhood, an abusive marriage, and what I didn’t know was from years of more abusive relationships that included the intimate relationships and family and friends. Let me tell you this  when you find yourself on the path to healing from emotional, sexual and physical brokenness don’t expect the people closest to you to be supportive, in some cases they are the people who will become obstacles on your journey, and you will have to make the choice to leave them behind with the rest of the wreckage. 

Today is the day that I can release years of pain, suffering, anger, and the struggles of chasing after the unknown. Today is the day I understand that what kept me prisoner was how I was thinking, and becoming a slave to the idea that my life was worthless because I haven’t become the success of the American dream. I don’t own a house, a car, and I don’t make a six figure salary. I berated myself mentally for not getting it right and for having to start over and over. When I think back on how many years that I didn’t feel loved , but search for love and the whole time I didn’t love me because I thought that it was the duty of others to love me, and my anger grew when I didn’t receive love. I  used sex as a means to feel. I was dead inside, but I thought sex would make me feel something, The only result of this behavior was more emptiness and being used as an object of pleasure, and not being cherished as a whole being. 

Today, Friday, July 24, 2020 as I sit in my bedroom with tears flowing, pouring out all the suffering, pain, uncertainty, and years of dying over and over and reliving the same tragedy over and over, I was numb and bitter. I was a slave to depression, eating orders and carrying around the  negative labels that others heaped on me because I believed them. I am not ashamed to say that I never fully experienced a mother’s love, but I am no longer going to allow that to drag me down.  On July 20, 2020, we celebrated my mother’s 76th birthday and I am enjoying the relationship we presently have.  I am no longer struggling, no let me rephrase that I am no longer choosing to struggle or to see life as a struggle. There are challenges, but I don’t choose to see them as a problem or a negative experience.  

I am thankful for all the intimate relationships that did not work out because they were not the ones for me and each one taught me a lesson. I am thankful for all the friends that left me when I was at my darkest moment because these people enlighten  me how to carefully invest in true friendship. I am thankful for this time of being alone in my own space because it has prepared me to understand who I am and to never allow loneliness to rear its ugly head to force me into the fear of running into another dysfunctional relationship so that I would be distracted from continuing on my journey of healing. I am thankful for being sheltered in place, although the world continues to be in chaos I have used this time to center myself in a state of peace. I am thankful for being able to work from home. I am thankful for the gifts and talents I have discovered that keep me free from  thinking that I will spend the rest of my life a slave to punching a time clock.  I am thankful for the friends and family who stuck with me through all of my drama. I am thankful for my blogging community. 

Today is the day that I released that I have a wealth of experiences to share by publishing my books on amazon. I am thankful for the creations of Conversations with J.R. Floyd, that gives me a public voice on all major social media platforms to help others to heal.  It’s been a bumpy and  dark, but amazing journey and I know that life is better because I am making it better. 

Who am I? I am J. R. Floyd , Inspirational Coach, Author, Singer, and Educator, currently works as a College Writing Consultant. A winner of the Jacob A. Weiser play-writing award for her work The Conversation. She was a freelance writer for Street News, and appeared in the gospel play Oh Lord: Why Did I get Married?She is a member of the BMCC Downtown Chorus. Performed at Carnegie Hall in the Manhattan Concert Productions: Let you Voice Be Heard, 2019. Author of The Waiting Game, A Different Flavor of Love & 90 Days of Reflection, Discovery, & Renewal.  

Thank you for stopping by dragthepen.

Dear Mom

 

Dear Readers,

My wordpress readers know me by the blog name dragthepen, however, I am J. R. Floyd,  creator of the YouTube channel Conversations with J. R. where I discuss relationship problems and explore the destruction of the family. At the start of the New Year ( 2020) I asked my viewers to join me in a year-long theme of writing letters to SELF. Each month I choose a different topic to write a letter about. This month I decided to write a letter to my mother, she is alive, and will never read this letter. This is my chance to work out  emotions that I’ve suppressed for years. This is my way of having that mother daughter talk. My mother is 77 years old and at this point in her life there is no need to open past wounds. I did not experience the ideal mother daughter relationship, although I am a mother,  I did not have good mother role models around me to teach me how to be a mother. At the age of 56, I still long for a deep soul connection with my mother, that unbreakable bond that I hear so many other mothers and daughters talk about. 

Dear Mom, Happy Mother’s Day. I hope you enjoyed the flowers I sent. I try my best to do as you ask to “ give you your flowers while you’re living”. I struggled whether to write this letter because I do not want my readers to get the impression that I am bashing my mother. I would never do that if you gave me the greatest gift, my life. Mom, there are some issues about our relationship that I have kept buried deep inside from childhood into adulthood, why, because you did not make it easy for me to confide in you. Looking back I understand that you were overwhelmed with children, being a wife and running a home. I have tried to make peace with the fact that you did the best you could with the information you had at the time. 

Mom, that the little girl in me still aches for the gentle, loving touch of a mother’s hand. As I matured in age and experience there were certain hardships that I could not talk to you about because I was afraid of being judged by you. I heard that a mother’s love is unconditional, and that mother’s have this 6th sense of wisdom, and mother’s forgive unconditionally. You never kissed any of my boo boo’s, played dress up with me, read  me funny stories, or  told me that I was pretty,  and that I was your princess. Instead,  you gave me a stern hand when I needed a firm one. You withheld vital information about maturing into womanhood, my body changed and I needed you to help me to understand this transformation. You didn’t teach me self- care, self- worth,  or self -respect, and most importantly to keep myself for that special person. 

There were nights when I cried into my pillow because I knew if I cried out you won’t come,and if you did I was afraid that you would scorn me.  I need the warmth, protection and assurance only a mother’s arms can give. You missed so many important events, my 1st and 2nd college graduations, the birth of my 1st son and the burial of my 2nd son. For years,  I put extra effort into being super women so that you would be proud of me, but instead, you praised other people’s daughters for their accomplishments. You haven’t read any of my books, listened to my podcast, or watched my YouTube channel. When I received my Ministry License, you told me you were“ proud of me”, but I did not feel any joy from those words because to me they were just words. I have gone through life loving you and hoping that we can connect on an emotional level. My hope is that the years that you have left us can find a way to be joined together as it was met to be. 

 

Thank you for stopping by dragthepen

The Joys of Parenthood

Dear Readers,                                          my son and my two granddaughters

 

This is just a matter of opinion and not intended to advise parents how to raise their children. Have you noticed that modern thinking parents no longer believe that it takes “ A village to raise a child”.  I am a baby boomer raised in the South by two parents who were very much disciplinarians. My father was a soldier and he believed in “ spoil the child, but use the rod” when necessary. My mother used a different approach when disciplining her children, she took away privileges, withheld allowance, and removed you from participating in important family events like birthday parties and BBQ’s. Above all my parents communicated with me and my siblings in a loving manner and only displayed displeasure by the frown on their face or the tone of disappointment in their voice. I have recently taken to observing the manner that modern parents verbalize displeasure towards their children and it is shocking. I have heard parents threatening their children how they would cause them physical harm for misbehaving. No, I am not talking about a minor spanking on the bottom, I have heard parents threatening to slap, kick, and punch their children.  And they do so by using the utmost foul language to describe their disapproval because their child is “ acting out”. Children will be l children, and what I see is parents who are getting younger and younger, and lack the patience, compassion, and the understanding that their world as an adult changed the moment they chose to bring a life into the world, and parenthood is a 100 percent 24 hour, 7 days a week, 356 days a year responsibility. Most young people become parents without a solid foundation, in other words, they are not emotionally, mentally, or financially prepared. They stumble through parenthood not grasping that true parenting means sacrifices, being opened to learning, and the understanding that being a parent means that life revolves around the needs of their children

Most young parents still feel the need to “ have a life” . Here’s some new information: your children are your life. Once you made the adult choice to bring forth life you do not get to choose which days you feel like being a parent. Your first allegiance as a parent is for the safety and welfare of your children. If nobody has told these young modern parents, let me have the pleasure to be the first to inform them that being a parent is a true gift, and children are the best part of our society, they remind us what’s important and they show adults that we are never to old to nurture the child that will always be in our spirit. Children encourage us to laugh, be silly, playful, and they give the best and sincere hugs. I don’t profess to be the world’s greatest parent. My one and only son ( who I called my one true love) was born into a world to a young unlearned and naive mother, and a father who misled me to believe that I was the love of his life, and that we were going to be married and live happily ever after. Well, he abandoned us when my son was 10 months old. I failed as a young parent because I lacked adult guidance and a support system. My mother was disgusted with me for getting “ knocked up”, my father did the best he could, but he was aging and illness took over his life. Every other adult in my life was dealing with their own chaos. I had to work to support me and my son,  and I never truly understood how to bond with him. He paid the price for being born to young parents. Today, he is a proud father of three, and he often tells me that he will never leave his children, and I know this is because of the manner that he was raised, by a strict grandmother, and absentee parents. 

 

my son

I am grateful today that my son, my one true love, has taught me a sincere lesson of unconditional forgiveness,  and at the age of 39, he allows me to be the mother that I always wanted to be, but didn’t know how. It’s like I said, children can teach us lessons, my son taught me that it’s not what happened, but what we will do now. I hope that many people will read this and tuck their children in tonight and let them know that they are loved. 

 

Thank you for stopping by dragthepen