The Dangerous of Relationship Myths

Dear Readers,

I am no relationship expert, let the truth be told, I have failed at every attempt of establishing and maintaining a lasting intimate partnership.Yes, I am willing to be vulnerable and bare my soul by taking responsibility for why I entered and participated in many dysfunctional intimate and personal relationships that only served the purpose of robbing me of my self worth.

How many times we’ve heard this saying
” experience is the best teacher,” this is not true in all areas of life. After surviving some experiences that threatened to rob me of life and hope. What I now know is that I would have benefited from some information, preparation and foundation about certain areas of life that I had the least experience. Sometimes when individuals are left out to hang so to speak, that saying, ” experience is the best teacher” can leave some people with lasting emotional and mental damage.

I created the YouTube channel, Conversations with J R Floyd, to openly discuss relationship myths that lead people into dysfunctional relationships. These myths damage self esteem, and self worth. We learn to be mistrustful, how to scheme, not to show our authentic self because we don’t know who we are. Damaged people know who they are by what’s others tell them who they are according to personal bias.

As a society we will not be able to heal and gain clarity, if we are not willing to point the finger of blame correctly where it belongs, learn to forgive others and ourself, and go through a process healing to close the wounds inflicted as a results of emotional and mental trauma. I lived in denial for years, blinded by hopeless and anger, surrounded by broken people like myself. I am happy to say that I dug deep for my healing. I honor the entire journey even the dark, lonely, hopeless days. Today, I stand on firm ground, I know who I am and have better clarity and purpose. My experiences did not kill me, some made me stronger, wiser and most important when to seek help.

Some relationship myths

1. If he lays with you he will stay with you. This is not necessarily true.
2. Being labeled baby mama doesn’t equal being a wife. Most women who give birth to children without being legally married expect to be treated like a wife
3. Shacking up means he is keeping his options open. Ask yourself a question, why isn’t he honoring you with marriage?
4. There is no honor in being someone side piece. This seems to be a dangerous trend that is honored in today’s society.
5. Women who devote years of their lives to a man who aren’t their husband. To each his own, but don’t be angry when he marrys someone else
6. He or she isn’t the one, so you try to change them. It’s not our duty to change anyone. Accept and allow people to be who they are or move on and find your equal.
7. Ladies if he is dating and calling you only at night, recognize what you are, ” a booty call”
8. It’s cheaper to keep her inside of seeking a divorce. Ladies this is how men feel about you when he has invested financially in a marriage or long term partnership.
9. Having any man is better than no man, even if he is somebody else’s man. In other words, your a side piece
10. People are justified when they have sexual relationships outside of their marriage.

These are just a few myths and topics on my YouTube channel, conversations with J R Floyd. Join me.

Thank you for stopping by dragthepen ❤️

The way things used to be

Ladies, may I gentlely suggest that you cease being angry because you were delivered from relationships or a situation that did not honor you, but only brought you pain and brokeness. Despite the negative messages from society being single whether by force or choice should be viewed as a gift and not a death sentence.

Think about this. When you were in that relationship or situationship with the person you thought you couldn’t live without, did you feel safe, respected, loved and protected? Were your needs besides the physical ones attended to or did you feel abandoned? Were your dreams, vision and goals nurtured, supposed and encouraged? How many times promise were broken, lies were told, and you struggled with conflicts of suspected infidelity because you had to worry about them, they, he, she, or her being a part of what you thought was an exclusive situations. And you wonder why you have trust issues.

Did you wait your turn in line because you weren’t a priority? Count the times you gave or lent money because bae, boo, your ride or die knew you wouldn’t say no. You broke up, he, she, they, or them begged their way back into your life. Why, because when your alone you allow feelings of desperation, loneliness, lust, and the voice of others advising you to move on, and you do, you fall right back into the same destructive patterns in the next situationship.

Why am I saying all of this? Because this use to be me. No, my truth doesn’t reflect the experiences of others, but I know that their is more than a few women reading this that have walked in these shoes. I am not a relationship guru, I am a women who have walked on the dark side of more than one dysfunctional situationship. In 2015, I wrote my first book The Waiting Game, where I reveal my personal experiences about how men and women who are emotional broken and how we mistreat each other in relationships.

It’s taken me years to heal from the damage caused by an horrible childhood, and the trauma due to abusive relationships. It wasn’t until I made the choice to put me first, and stood firm on who I would and would not allow in my life as friends and intimate partners. I am truly happy for my journey. I understand the gift of being single and using this time to heal, reflect, renew, and discover who I am, and my path. I am maturing spiritually and developing a stronger emotional foundation. It’s been 4 years and I am learning so much about life. I have discovered the joys of traveling, truly enjoying my own company, I relish my freedom, I protect my peace, and most important, I support, love, encourage, inspire, and provide myself the life I know that I deserve, and it is amazing.

I hope I have inspired you.
Love yourself

ALL IS WELL

Dear Readers, 

Sometimes life has a way of stopping us in our tracks helping us understand life on life’s terms, and to see the other picture behind the bigger picture. People are blinded by striving for professional success and clawing their way up the class and economic ladder, due to being dissatisfied with their current class status. We wish for more and do our best to keep up the JONESES, while theorizing that the grass is greener on the other side.

That Was Me. 

People have told me that I am a late bloomer my life played out in reverse.. I was a high school dropout, unwed teenage mother, and experienced years of working low paying jobs. It took time, but I found my way back on the right path to acquiring an education, where I discovered the love of English Literature. Victory you say, yes, and no, my story doesn’t end there. I have enjoyed years of academic success, but what spoiled my triumph was that I brought into the societal notion that I should fit myself into the idealized American Dream. This piece isn’t about how I achieved my American Dream, on the contrary, I did not achieve any dream because I was trying too hard to adjust to someone else’s Idea about how my life should play out. It almost RUINED me, I brought into the claim that “ one size fits all”. 

It was my pursuit of an inmate partnership  meaning to find Mr. right and to “ settle down” into a long term loving partnership. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be in a loving partnership, however, what I was doing was “ Settling” . I was literally looking for love in all the wrong faces. I confess that I viewed being alone as a disease, when I should have embraced my alone time as time to work on me ,and make the foundation of life stronger. I did not understand how to be with myself, and that I was in charge of my happiness, instead of relying on others to give me what I need to give to myself. I suffered years of abusive relationships and never truly found the person to show me genuine love, honesty, support my career goals, and my vision of becoming an author, and talk show host. A few years ago I was almost homeless because the man that I was engaged to asked me to leave his home immediately, because I refused to submit to him controlling my life. I struggled with  years of being emotionally and financially broken, confused and angry.  

I used to complain that my life wasn’t successful, I viewed my life as “ wasteful” , and then I read this quote by Susan Samarro, “ Nothing you’ve been through has been wasted”. Before entering the teaching profession, I spent 13 years as a well paid theater manager at a wonderful Performing Arts Center. There I witnessed operas’ page to stage, film festivals, and artist in residence programs, not to mention some famous movies that were filmed at my venue. In 2006, I took a final curtain bow and began my Masters program in Education while working as a floor supervisor at The Learning Resource Center. After completing my education I dove head first into my love of teaching Literature. Sounds like the perfect comeback story, oh yes it is. It took me to be sheltered in place during this coronavirus pandemic, that ALL IS WELL. While the world is in chaos, being sheltered in place has given me the time, space and peace that I have never known. The time to set up my new apartment room by room, lesson learned never give up my place to move in with a man. Second lesson, being home means spending less money, paying off bills, reviewing my finances and on the path to repairing my credit, and the savings is great.I am learning that I am at my best when I live alone, but currently, I have a roommate who temporarily went back home to her family. I cherish this down time. It makes good financial sense to have the support of a roommate, but moving forward I enjoy my own space. 

All is well because I know who I am, what I want and how to bring joy into my life. I enjoy coffee in bed, and sleeping late, cooking vegan meals, laying on the sofa watching movies, while  sipping wine and eating popcorn. I like the peace, quiet and space to create. I like being with me. I am not giving up on finding my life partner, but this is no longer at the top of my bucket list.  Today, I can truly say with confidence  ALL IS WELL. I am moving forward with the courage of a lioness, the sky is not the limit because I will never place limitations on what I can accomplish. 

Thank you for stopping by Dragthepen

Born of a Woman part 2

Dear Readers,

By the way… Continuing on the subject of the shady treatment towards  women. Let me further explain when women say, ” they don’t need a man or they prefer not to be in a relationship”. Women are not confused, insane, a lesbian, or  to trying to be a man, these are some of the judgments society use against women who choose to opt out of engaging in relationships that do not honor them.

Usually, women who desire to be alone or find strength in a sisterhood are women who have experienced  molestation at the hands of male family members, or experienced abusive relationships, and their wounds are deep and difficult to heal. There are women who have been cheated on and stranded in financial situations with children that caused them to find unpleasant means to survive. Women are at the end of their rope they are emotionally and mentally broken, and spiritual bankrupted by men who have ran so much game on them that they lost faith in any relationship being real.

Hello men of this world, let the truth be told. Women seek truth, warmth, emotional closeness, support, communication, monogamy, protection, and real guidance ( not a dictatorship). Women desire to be in partnerships that support their emotional and intellectual, and personal growth.

Women are fed up with being sexual objects, baby mothers, common law wives or live in partnerships without the benefits of being honored as a wife. Women are discovering  the joy and fulfillment in being single, acquiring an education, earning higher incomes, traveling, and discovering hidden talents that they turn into businesses. Women desire to have their voices heard and their concerns taken seriously.

Women are moving forward without men, and each time we are pushed back the harder we come back.

The wait is over the choice is yours. Thank you for stopping by Drathepen.

my journey back

Dear Readers,

My journey back.
I spent a lot of time confused as to why I couldn’t bounce back. Two years ago I almost found myself on the edge of being homeless. The events in life that you think couldn’t happen to you like, unemployment, illness, homelessness, no saving, and worst the people who declared and sworn their undying loyalty to you, when the shit hit the fan they were out of sight out of mind. You wake up in the middle of the night and it finally hits you. Your alone. Alone in the battle to reset and regain your life.

How do you do this?

I had a plan my journey began when I was 30. I broke away from an abusive marriage, received much needed therapy, and I though the ghosts from my past were gone. I was wrong. I wasn’t paying attention. I didn’t learn anything. I didn’t stay focused on me or my goals. I made the to do lists, made plans to do better and be better, but year after year I failed. I failed because my major distraction was running after relationships that I wasn’t ready for or men who just wasn’t good for me. I am not placing blame on the men they were doing what men do take what’s being offered to them. When I think about how I suffered through year after year in unless relationships, my heart cringe.
Mistake number two not making me the number one priority. I spread myself too thin trying to play super women. I gave so much of my precious time to people who are no longer in my life because I was just a means to their end. I was busy being a savior. I gave away money that I should have saved for a rainy day. I was too trusting of people who claimed me as their ” friend” for most of my life I have been blinded sided by these so called ” friends”. Paying attention has never been my strongest trait. Its taken me from the age of 18 until 50 for the light bulb to come on in my head. Currently, I am 55 and the last five years of my life have been about me finally letting go of what hasn’t worked in my life. The toughest part of this new journey loosing my apartment and the fear of not knowing. In one year I moved 4 times, each move I lost personal items, money and time. My last stupid mistake believing that I had finally found the one. Not. He was the straw that literally broken the camels back.

I have suffered through childhood trauma, being a single teenage mother, and becoming a high school drop out. I spent one year on the welfare system before I gave up and got my first job as a home health aide, and  I survived 7 years of an abusive marriage. When I fought for my independent I did not understand that independence comes with a price. When a women desire to walk the road less traveled she become an outcast. I worked my way through college it took ten years complete three degrees. During this time I barely kept my head above water, and I experienced some of the worst relationships. What devastated me the most was the lack of love, compassion and support I needed from my family. July 2017, I lost my apartment at the same time I published my first novel a short memoir, followed by a short story. I had no idea that there was a writer inside of me. I turned to writing as a means to escape the pain of feeling unloved and abandoned. I auditioned for a classical chorus and with dedication and practice, practice, practice June 2019, I performed at Carnegie Hall. I created a YouTube channel Conversations with J. R. Floyd, a forum where I talk about relationship issues and everyday life problems that effect our ability to be who we truly are. I kept writing as a result I have two more books to be published in 2020.

In the last three years I have paid attention to old patterns that keep me trapped in cycles of being unproductive and distracted. Now I am the number one priority. And I am happy that I took the time to understand why my relationship weren’t successful. Its feels amazing to finally have my feet planted on firm ground. While on this journey back I reflect on something Virginia Woolf once said as she described the conditions necessary for a woman to unleash her full potential: privacy (a “room of one’s own”), and money (self-sufficiency). Woolf argues that, if women are to explore their potential, they must be allowed to pursue these basic necessities. In my case my own space.

December 1, construction of my new living space will begin and move in day is December 28, just in time to pop the Champaign and celebrate my new beginning with a new year ( 2020) . . I have opted to have a roommate living alone doesn’t appeal to me now that I am aging and my roommate is a perfect fit. This journey back has been difficult, scary, enlightening, stressful, disappointing set backs, tearful, hopeless, feelings of brokenness, confusion, and there were days that I just couldn’t understand why?
I am moving forward with the smell of fresh paint, new carpet, every single piece of furniture is new and I can’t wait to be back in my own kitchen. I decided that I will settle in for a while before I open the doors to invite people in. I am thinking Spring will be a good time to cook a family dinner and open the doors to my new space. Moving forward with the information I have learned I have 5 years until retirement. I will continue on my path of emotional healing, spiritual balance and immerse myself in my mental and physical well being. I have plans to spend my 56th birthday in Vegas, and I have two more trips planned for 2020. And for my retirement finale I am building a tiny house. Please believe the saying, ” life is what you make it”. This half of my life is certainly going to be my best life.
Thank you for taking the journey with me.

Introduction from my new book, “The Waiting Game” by J. R. Floyd

Setting the Stage

It is said that if you stop looking for love it will come to you, and if you love someone,
set him free; if the relationship is meant to be, he will come back. Well, in my case, this saying
is a myth. I am a 52-year-old mother of one and grandmother of three. I had one short horrible
marriage and several hit- and -run relationships.

I thought that I once had the love of my life, but he ran for the hills when I mentioned
marriage. I found out that most of my lovers moved on to get married and live happy lives.
What is so painful about reliving these memories is that none of these men thought that I was
wife material or good enough to be the mother of his children.
There is something very evil and disturbing about men who will have sex with you, lie to
you, play you like a fiddle, while closing the door in your face.

I had a few of them come back, but I was not smart enough to understand that I was
just a layover before they moved on again. What is it about me that either scares men away,
attracts losers, or beckons to men who simply don’t get me?
Most of them came with too many requirements and baggage: baggage in the form of
ex-wives who had not moved on, or ex- girlfriends who have not really become exes. In each
relationship, I was expected to change and make adjustments, compromise, give up, give in
until I gave out. I was not sexy enough; I did not dress sluttily enough to suit their taste, I was
too conservative, too aggressive, and too smart. I did not give enough of myself in bed; in other
words, I was not freaky enough.

I played different roles in these relationships. For the men who refused to grow up and
cut the apron strings, I had to mother them. Oh, and the children; no, not my son, their
children. I was the free babysitter so they could go out and hang with the boys.
My biggest role–playing wife without the ring or marriage license. When I think about
all the time I wasted cooking, cleaning, washing and organizing their sad lives, all in the name of
L.O.V.E, I realized that Tina Turner was right: love had nothing to do with what I was going
through. It was all for the sole purpose of their self-gratification. Moreover, in the end I was left
emotionally confused, physically exhausted, mentally disturbed, and financially broken- exactly
what they wanted.

More myths: you are still young, it is not too late, he is out there for you, and you just
have not met him yet. Why do people tell you this when deep down inside what they really
want to say is, “ Girl, hang up your dating boots, your prince isn’t coming, settle for that frog,’
because at this stage of the game you have to take what you can get; or settle for what’s
behind door number three.”Drum roll please…. and behind door number three we present Miss Lonely. Yes, most women fear being alone, because we have been told being alone is BAD.

Yes, the defect is always with us. It goes something like this: I am alone because I am a
nag, hard to get along with, too needy, too fat, too thin, too broke, or too independent.
I am selfish, bossy, noisy, fussy, and refuse to have sex 10 times a day. I am too trusting
or not trusting enough. Oh, here is the climax: it is my fault that I have been replaced with a
better woman. But no, I am not another angry woman, as I have been labeled. I am a woman
who has arrived at the end of these experiences finally understanding who I am, where I am
going, and knowing how I am going to get there, and what I will and will not put up with and
why. My story is about ignoring the warning signs, such as, when it is time to get out of an
abusive relationship. A reminder: abuse does not have to be physical to leave scars. I had to
learn how to put the brakes on, make a U-turn, and haul ass in the opposite direction when the
drama got too deep.

This is about not lowering standards by accepting the behavior of a serial cheater. By
doing so, we women put our health in danger by continuing to have sexual intercourse with
him: all because women are told this is all a part of what men do. Well, A.I.D.S kills and herpes
is for life, and do you really want to stay with a man who has been labeled community
property?

This is about all the bad relationship myths that are damaging to women’s self-esteem
and self- respect and undermine us a woman. This is about living in a society where the double
standard motto that “Boys will be Boys” is an accepted norm, while women are expected to put
out and shut up.

To the men who have the great fortune and guts to read this book, it is about your
understanding that men can be broken, needy, and have parts of them that need to be fixed
too. Stop measuring your worth by your penis and start thinking with your brain about the
quality of emotional stability, respect, caring, and love that you can give to your partner.

A final note: Men, stop being selfish; a relationship is not all about you. Women, stop
talking to your girlfriends, your mother, his mother, and talk to him, God, or a therapist.
When entering into a relationship, both men and women need to think about what they
are doing and why. Nobody likes a player and games are for social activities, not a relationship.

What Say You?

PodCast

Dear Readers,  Happy 4th of July.🇱🇷

 

Photo by Aaron Schwartz on Pexels.com

I have ventured out into a new area. I have a podcast, Conversations  with J. R. Floyd, on Sound Cloud. Listed below are a few topics. Happy listening.😊

• Looking for Love
• Who are you dating? Guard your heart
• Readings from my first novel, The Waiting Game
• Broken people in relationships
• Stolen Innocence
• Trends and expectation in relationships
• Guard your emotions
• I refused to allow you to steal my joy
• Childhood scares
• Be the person you want to meet
• Empower yourself
• The stages of a relationship
• My story. My journey
• How do you use your words

The you for listening.💖

J. R.  host of Conversations with J. R. Floyd on You Tube

 

Desperation & Dysfunctional Relationships

Dear Readers,

Do not allow loneliness and despair to lead to desperation resulting in being trapped in a dysfunctional relationship that does not honor who you are. We all have heard the saying that loneliness kills, and so does being in a relationship that does not honor who God created you to be.

Ladies, when you allow the negative voices in your head to engage you in conversation about lonely is caused by you do not have a man in your life. And the relationship is going to cure your loneliness, and bring you all that you need. Here are some thoughts to think about before you agree with those voices.

• Beware of the large population of men who have no good intention towards you when they sense that you are desperate, they use your eagerness to please to control the situation. Why are you willing to give your power, and willing to submit to ill treatment all because you are thankful to have a man in your life
• What value is this man bringing into your life? What purpose is he serving in your life? Some of these deceivers have swift tongues and deviant minds. Their plan is to milk you for all that you have and in the meantime, you become so blinded by your desire to HAVE A Man, that you don’t see the emotional devastation you will have to recover from when he leaves and he will leave

 

Do not listen to the myths that people are throwing at you?

• Except any men who are interested in a relationship with you because age might be a factor, or you might be single mother, this is not a reason to settle, in fact, there is no REASON TO SETTLE.
• When you settle your saying that I do not deserve a partner who will respect, value, honor, show compassion, support, see your worth, and express concern in all matters of your life. You want to feel protected and up lifted by your partner.
• Do not become some man’s side piece because you think that you are getting what you need without a true comment ( this is a degrading situationship)
• Question, Are you currently in a relationships that’s has ran it course and is no longer giving you the happiness that it used to, so you stay because you are afraid of being alone.

 

I know that there are women who are so afraid of being alone that they financially support men. Women except being verbal and emotionally abused by men who they know are not good for them, but their logic is that ANY MAN IS BETTER THAN NO MAN. I know of mothers who encourage their daughters to do all they can to keep a man even if that man is treating them disrespectful, the theory is that YOU BETTER HOLD ONTO YOUR MAN BEFORE SOMEONE ELSE GET HIM. There women who are searching for men through dating services only to be fool and conned by their lies and sob stories. Wake up! These men are hiding behind computers waiting for a victim not a soul mate.

When you allow the temporary feeling of loneliness to dictate giving up your power to men whose main goal is to drain your spirit, darken your soul, pillage your finances, and bring more confusion in your love than love and happiness

Ask yourself is it truly worth the damage and drama?

Here are some suggestions for your loneliness:

Find male friends that you can go out on a platonic date, intimacy comes in all forms

Go to event where there is single people looking to have a good time and enjoy the company of others without expectations.

Adopt a pet they need love pets make wonderful companions, and they are very loyal

Organize a girls night sleepover, but don’t waste the evening being depressed an talking about men

Take a class for fun, cooking, knitting, yoga, or join a gym or a community chorus

There are so many ways that you can combat loneliness and you can do so in a positive way. Heading into a relationship for the sole purpose of relieving yourself of loneliness without spending time truly getting to know the other person will only serve the purpose of opening the door for some serious drama.

What say you?

 

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?Domestic Violence: hidden secrets

Dear Readers. experiencing the hell of an abusive relationships  is not something that I would wish on my worst enemy . We know someone in our family, church, at work or even close friends that are trapped in a abusive relationship. This abuse can cover   physical, sexual, psychological, and economics. This abuse is real and it is painful.  this abuse effect children, men and women, and  if the victims are lucky to escape the healing process takes years and some don’t. Please watch my video.  leave a comment. the world needs to hear what you have to say.

 

Relationship 101

Dear Readers, In today’s Society there are countless broken relationships and this leads to dysfunctional homes. Couples are felling stuck and have become complacent in their routine living arrangement, and few people are making the effort to speak up. I suggest to going back to the beginning. Take a meaningful stroll down memory lane reconnect to why you committed to a partnership. You might be surprised about what you discover and this could place you on the road to healing.

Thank you for watching.