Today is the Day. The Chase is Over.

Dear Readers, 

It all came down to today. This is the day. The chase is over. I am 56 years old and I have finally reached the moment of full clarity, peace and the healing process is getting better and better. The feelings of heaviness, fear, anger, and resentment these emotions and voices will no longer have the power to burden me and whisper to me that I am not worth it. My healing process began in 1992 and at the time I thought that it would take me about a year to heal from the damage of my childhood, an abusive marriage, and what I didn’t know was from years of more abusive relationships that included the intimate relationships and family and friends. Let me tell you this  when you find yourself on the path to healing from emotional, sexual and physical brokenness don’t expect the people closest to you to be supportive, in some cases they are the people who will become obstacles on your journey, and you will have to make the choice to leave them behind with the rest of the wreckage. 

Today is the day that I can release years of pain, suffering, anger, and the struggles of chasing after the unknown. Today is the day I understand that what kept me prisoner was how I was thinking, and becoming a slave to the idea that my life was worthless because I haven’t become the success of the American dream. I don’t own a house, a car, and I don’t make a six figure salary. I berated myself mentally for not getting it right and for having to start over and over. When I think back on how many years that I didn’t feel loved , but search for love and the whole time I didn’t love me because I thought that it was the duty of others to love me, and my anger grew when I didn’t receive love. I  used sex as a means to feel. I was dead inside, but I thought sex would make me feel something, The only result of this behavior was more emptiness and being used as an object of pleasure, and not being cherished as a whole being. 

Today, Friday, July 24, 2020 as I sit in my bedroom with tears flowing, pouring out all the suffering, pain, uncertainty, and years of dying over and over and reliving the same tragedy over and over, I was numb and bitter. I was a slave to depression, eating orders and carrying around the  negative labels that others heaped on me because I believed them. I am not ashamed to say that I never fully experienced a mother’s love, but I am no longer going to allow that to drag me down.  On July 20, 2020, we celebrated my mother’s 76th birthday and I am enjoying the relationship we presently have.  I am no longer struggling, no let me rephrase that I am no longer choosing to struggle or to see life as a struggle. There are challenges, but I don’t choose to see them as a problem or a negative experience.  

I am thankful for all the intimate relationships that did not work out because they were not the ones for me and each one taught me a lesson. I am thankful for all the friends that left me when I was at my darkest moment because these people enlighten  me how to carefully invest in true friendship. I am thankful for this time of being alone in my own space because it has prepared me to understand who I am and to never allow loneliness to rear its ugly head to force me into the fear of running into another dysfunctional relationship so that I would be distracted from continuing on my journey of healing. I am thankful for being sheltered in place, although the world continues to be in chaos I have used this time to center myself in a state of peace. I am thankful for being able to work from home. I am thankful for the gifts and talents I have discovered that keep me free from  thinking that I will spend the rest of my life a slave to punching a time clock.  I am thankful for the friends and family who stuck with me through all of my drama. I am thankful for my blogging community. 

Today is the day that I released that I have a wealth of experiences to share by publishing my books on amazon. I am thankful for the creations of Conversations with J.R. Floyd, that gives me a public voice on all major social media platforms to help others to heal.  It’s been a bumpy and  dark, but amazing journey and I know that life is better because I am making it better. 

Who am I? I am J. R. Floyd , Inspirational Coach, Author, Singer, and Educator, currently works as a College Writing Consultant. A winner of the Jacob A. Weiser play-writing award for her work The Conversation. She was a freelance writer for Street News, and appeared in the gospel play Oh Lord: Why Did I get Married?She is a member of the BMCC Downtown Chorus. Performed at Carnegie Hall in the Manhattan Concert Productions: Let you Voice Be Heard, 2019. Author of The Waiting Game, A Different Flavor of Love & 90 Days of Reflection, Discovery, & Renewal.  


Thank you for stopping by dragthepen.

What Trendy in Relationships

Dear Readers,

I am speaking to you today about the state of relationships. I have observed a trend in relationships where one partner feels that it is his or her right to manipulate, control and dictate the way the relationship will be conducted. Whatever happened to the P in partnership. Relationships are now becoming ownership’s. I see broken people engaging in relationship after relationship in order to have a place to dump their anger and  resentment due to negative experiences in other relationships. To the people who have held on and worked through and establish a foundation for a long-term happy union, Hooray! For the people who are walking around like zombies numb to the pain that they are causing their partner due to unresolved personal issues I say seek help. The world is filled with too many broken relationships. Lets start a conversation towards healing.

I invite you to subscribe to my You Tube channel, Conversations with J. R. Floyd. And Join me live on Facebook, Thursdays, @ 8pm for more Conversations. photos taken by aahman_-2 - copyThank you for watching.

 

The Rants of a Gold Digger

Dear readers, I live in New York City, and I often ride public transportation. During my 30-minute commute to work, I am privy to people’s conversations. Below is the rantings of a young woman who some people might label a Gold Digger. Why? Because she dates and has relationships with wealthy older men. On this day she was with, a friend, this is what I heard.

 

I use to be a pro at this game of pretense. I do not know what’s gotten into me. It must be time for me to throw in the towel, surrender and retire. I use to have the best pick of men. Handsome, tight bodies, well-educated, and classy. Those men are few and far apart, now all that is left is old saggy toothless, balding, horny men trying to relive their youth. Currently, the old geezer that I am with I feel nothing but bitterness, anger and regret. I am trying to convince myself to stay, he old, boring and clumpy, but Mr. $$$$$$$$$$$$ bags is loaded. I detest when he looks at me smiling with his saggy, jaundice eyes. When I look at him, I feel the rage of contempt soaring through my blood. I had hoped in my last days to be rewarded with an Adonis, instead, I have been handed an old broken, cranky, smothering, needy, clingy stooped old grumpy senior citizen; trying to pretend that he still has it, whatever it is. When I am laying next to him, it feels like I am resting next to a nasty, slimy, fishy, whale. Maybe if he cut that enormous flab from around his waist, I might feel different. When his large, sloppy, wet, ashy, lips touch my skin, I disappear in my head and go to a faraway place. I cringe at the thought of those big clumpy hands touching me; having to listen to his voice that is piecing loud, thunderous, and lacks class. I remember one night when he bumped my leg with one of his long Frankenstein feet; he scratched my silky-smooth skin with one of his toenails that resembles a claw. Oh, Well, at least I got a diamond for my pain and suffering. I took a quick peek; I have to say that it was a big diamond. By the way, this women who was ranting about being with MR. Old Saggy money bags, she was dressed to the nines, designer labels from head to toe. However, I was curious why she was riding the train? Oh well. I had to get off so I did hear the end of her tale.

 

What say you?

Normal isn’t normal anymore

Dear Readers,

 

People are speculating about the reason for the sudden increase of mass shootings, and other acts of terrorism. Some blame religious fanatics others claim random acts of evil. An interesting theory came from a colleague who suggests that we are the cause for these terrible events. He explains that it is our collective thinking and behavior. He also believes that society is void of   basic acts of humanity, in addition, to lacking the ability to connect to simple emotions that binds us to the one true race, the human race. We stand firm in the continued practice of segregation, based on race, gender, and religious beliefs. There are those among us who are committed to the rule of a superior race deeming all others inferior. The greed of corporate America putting profits over people, instituting the practice of ruling their employees by fear, thus instilling anger, bitterness and resentment into the minds of those who are just trying to make ends meet. Genuine love and living by the motto “I am my Brother’s Keeper” is a long forgotten value. This country has given into foul play each time a particular group of people screams injustice. We live in a society where Reality TV is the norm, the conversation of the day is what happened on the show Empire, while this generation runs rampaged exploring sexuality to the tenth level; not to mention that teaching morals, ethics and good values is no longer on Americas’ agenda. We are spinning out of control, and to make matters worse, our world and religious leaders are still playing the game of separation of church and state. Therefore, these incidents will continue to happen until we decide collectively to think about the good of the one true race, the human race.

 

What Say You?

Faking the Funk

Dear readers,

“Letting Go”

What does it mean to let go?  When people get a divorce, they are told, let it go and move on. So, what they’re saying is let go of the reason for falling in love, having children, and making memorizes? When people lose the career that they spend a life time to achieve, they are told to let go and move on. The question is move on to what? To a job market that is uncertain, and God forbid if your over forty, then you face age and maybe gender discrimination, or starting from the bottom again. Does letting go means pretending that the situation, problem, or the event didn’t happen? Does letting go and moving on mean a clean slate and starting over again? How many times have you heard, suck it up, take your licks like a man, don’t cry over split milk, pick yourself off the ground, let it go and move on. I say, feel the pain of the lose, go through the stages of shock, grief, denial, and acceptance before letting go and moving on. In some circumstances people are too eager to move on that they don’t take time to find closure or make peace with what they couldn’t change. Unfortunately, it occasionally takes a brick wall so to speak for people to realize that they have been carrying around emotional baggage, resentment and bitterness all because they were eager to “Let Go and Move On”

What say you?