Dear 2019

 

Dear Readers, 

There are millions of people who are very happy to see 2019 go. Welcoming a new year is always exciting due to the anticipation of starting fresh and leaving behind a year that might not have been the greatest. I begin 2019 with high hopes I made plans, plotted a path and set reasonable   goals. Along the way I often got side tracked. Remember when you hit me with pneumonia twice, but you made me understand that I wasn’t paying attention to my health. It seemed to me that each day I pushed forward you pushed me backwards. On the darkest days of this year I did my utmost best to remain positive. I smiled when I wanted to cry. I suppressed my screams of anger by singing, and squeezed my blue tattered stress ball when my emotions threatened to overwhelm me. Against all odds and with fierce determination I accomplished my goal of performing at Carnegie Hall after three previous attempts. I wasn’t going to allow the dreary, somber, evil forces of this universe to defeat me. 

Hey, 2019, I couldn’t understand why you seemed hell bent on putting obstacles in my way, the more I succeeded in my progress towards my goals, you appeared to be ignored at me. I thought that we were taking this journey together. I told you at the start of 2019, that I was over stumbling through life like the village idiot. I made amends for all the years that I wasted. I said to you with all the sincerity of my shattered life, that I would do better and be better because I have greater clarity. Where you testing me my faith, strength, and ability to remain grounded and focused on my goals? I walked with my head up through every storm, nor’easter, and heat wave. I worked on my days off, double shifts, even when I didn’t have the strength to put one foot in front of the other.  I willed myself forward by the power of my mental strength. 

I couldn’t believe that you ( 2019) wouldn’t allow me to catch a break. Ok, so I admit there were moments of short lived happiness. June 17, my performance at Carnegie Hall, my long awaited trip to California, and in August I finally had the time and resources to renew my passport. In  September my new website Conversations with J.R. Floyd went public. I completed my third manuscript that’s currently going through the editing process, the goals is to publish my third book in 2020. I secured my new living space and on Dec 16, I was able to move in two weeks before the original date. Oh, yeah, a few bonuses, I get to spend Christmas and New Year’s in my new apartment. Oh and did I mention that I finally have a landlord that allows me to have a pet. I adopted a cat named Hamlet. So, here I am in the middle of my queen size bed, Hamlet purring next to me, sipping hot chocolate while Nat Cole Christmas CD plays softly. 

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Yes, 2019, we have had our tribulations and there were days when you made me question my sanity, but in the end all things considered I say I started this year the same way I chose to end it. I am going to continue setting realistic goals, map out a plan on how to make my goals and make my vision a reality. I resolve to pay attention to my health, sleep, rest, eat clean, drink plenty of water, and stay committed to making me and my vision a priority. With a heartfelt thank you I am grateful for all that 2019 has taught me. I welcome the next level of living my best life. Hello 2020.

my journey back

Dear Readers,

My journey back.
I spent a lot of time confused as to why I couldn’t bounce back. Two years ago I almost found myself on the edge of being homeless. The events in life that you think couldn’t happen to you like, unemployment, illness, homelessness, no saving, and worst the people who declared and sworn their undying loyalty to you, when the shit hit the fan they were out of sight out of mind. You wake up in the middle of the night and it finally hits you. Your alone. Alone in the battle to reset and regain your life.

How do you do this?

I had a plan my journey began when I was 30. I broke away from an abusive marriage, received much needed therapy, and I though the ghosts from my past were gone. I was wrong. I wasn’t paying attention. I didn’t learn anything. I didn’t stay focused on me or my goals. I made the to do lists, made plans to do better and be better, but year after year I failed. I failed because my major distraction was running after relationships that I wasn’t ready for or men who just wasn’t good for me. I am not placing blame on the men they were doing what men do take what’s being offered to them. When I think about how I suffered through year after year in unless relationships, my heart cringe.
Mistake number two not making me the number one priority. I spread myself too thin trying to play super women. I gave so much of my precious time to people who are no longer in my life because I was just a means to their end. I was busy being a savior. I gave away money that I should have saved for a rainy day. I was too trusting of people who claimed me as their ” friend” for most of my life I have been blinded sided by these so called ” friends”. Paying attention has never been my strongest trait. Its taken me from the age of 18 until 50 for the light bulb to come on in my head. Currently, I am 55 and the last five years of my life have been about me finally letting go of what hasn’t worked in my life. The toughest part of this new journey loosing my apartment and the fear of not knowing. In one year I moved 4 times, each move I lost personal items, money and time. My last stupid mistake believing that I had finally found the one. Not. He was the straw that literally broken the camels back.

I have suffered through childhood trauma, being a single teenage mother, and becoming a high school drop out. I spent one year on the welfare system before I gave up and got my first job as a home health aide, and  I survived 7 years of an abusive marriage. When I fought for my independent I did not understand that independence comes with a price. When a women desire to walk the road less traveled she become an outcast. I worked my way through college it took ten years complete three degrees. During this time I barely kept my head above water, and I experienced some of the worst relationships. What devastated me the most was the lack of love, compassion and support I needed from my family. July 2017, I lost my apartment at the same time I published my first novel a short memoir, followed by a short story. I had no idea that there was a writer inside of me. I turned to writing as a means to escape the pain of feeling unloved and abandoned. I auditioned for a classical chorus and with dedication and practice, practice, practice June 2019, I performed at Carnegie Hall. I created a YouTube channel Conversations with J. R. Floyd, a forum where I talk about relationship issues and everyday life problems that effect our ability to be who we truly are. I kept writing as a result I have two more books to be published in 2020.

In the last three years I have paid attention to old patterns that keep me trapped in cycles of being unproductive and distracted. Now I am the number one priority. And I am happy that I took the time to understand why my relationship weren’t successful. Its feels amazing to finally have my feet planted on firm ground. While on this journey back I reflect on something Virginia Woolf once said as she described the conditions necessary for a woman to unleash her full potential: privacy (a “room of one’s own”), and money (self-sufficiency). Woolf argues that, if women are to explore their potential, they must be allowed to pursue these basic necessities. In my case my own space.

December 1, construction of my new living space will begin and move in day is December 28, just in time to pop the Champaign and celebrate my new beginning with a new year ( 2020) . . I have opted to have a roommate living alone doesn’t appeal to me now that I am aging and my roommate is a perfect fit. This journey back has been difficult, scary, enlightening, stressful, disappointing set backs, tearful, hopeless, feelings of brokenness, confusion, and there were days that I just couldn’t understand why?
I am moving forward with the smell of fresh paint, new carpet, every single piece of furniture is new and I can’t wait to be back in my own kitchen. I decided that I will settle in for a while before I open the doors to invite people in. I am thinking Spring will be a good time to cook a family dinner and open the doors to my new space. Moving forward with the information I have learned I have 5 years until retirement. I will continue on my path of emotional healing, spiritual balance and immerse myself in my mental and physical well being. I have plans to spend my 56th birthday in Vegas, and I have two more trips planned for 2020. And for my retirement finale I am building a tiny house. Please believe the saying, ” life is what you make it”. This half of my life is certainly going to be my best life.
Thank you for taking the journey with me.

Don’t Say Forever……

Dear Readers,  A sneak peek into a short story in progress. Happy Reading.

Don’t Say Forever……

I did not hear the urgency in her voice I was excited about our weekly rant session. The first clue that something was wrong we didn’t meet at our usual diner for loaded nachos and Long Island Ice tea, with an extra shot. Instead, we met at a fancy tea-house in China Town. When I sat down Katherine looked at me with a death stare and said,

“I hope you have some spare time, this could take a while.” When I looked into Katherine’s usually big brown, beautiful, shiny, eyes, they were dull and blood-shot.

The atmosphere of the teahouse is solemn and dim. This disturbed me because I was in the mood for the cheerful, bright lights and noise of the diner. Kathrine ordered a pot of Earl Grey tea and a glass of sake. My thoughts were racing I’m confused, we talked two days ago and she was her normal lively self. After the table was set and I made tea Katherine took a long drink from her glass of sake, and initiated the conversation…

“This was supposed to be the greatest adventure of my life. I have waited a decade for my King and soul mate. When Samuel got down on one knee, and placed this ring on my finger and ask me to be his life partner, at that moment I felt as though I’d awaken from a long and terrible nightmare.”

I’ve known Katherine for fifteen years she’s been my rock and road dog. I’ve seen this fearless women battle life struggles like a true warrior Queen. She has slayed some ugly demons and dethroned men, and like a hunger and anger lioness, she pursued her ambition of becoming a tenure English Professor and accomplished that goal. The person sitting in front of me, I don’t know her.  Katherine took another drink from her glass of sake and continued.

“It’s my fault, I moved too fast. I should have taken your advice and kept my apartment; my haven; where no one dictated to me. He kept pushing me to move in. I wanted to wait until we were husband and wife.”

Katherine ordered another glass of sake. I reached out across the table grabbing her hand; she squeezed mine with a death grip. Our eyes locked. In hers, I saw grief, regret and something I’ve never seen before defeat.

Kathrine continued, “This relationship is a mistake. Samuel is smothering me and wants to take away my life. He want me to become the relationship.”

I had to say something; I wanted her to stop and breathe. “I’m confused. I thought you said he’s being supportive.”

“Yes, he was while we were under two separate roofs. Samuel says that my goals are for a single person, and since I’m no longer single, I need to think about what’s good for the relationship.”

“What?”

“I rejected an offer to teach for six weeks in Korea because he feels that we haven’t established a solid foundation. He follows me everywhere, he is clingy, needy and he whines. There’s no peace in the house because he talks nonstop, and he interrogates me about everything. The only peace I have is when he isn’t home, when I’m at work and when he doesn’t follow me to church.”

Guilt swept over me. I encouraged Katherine to open her heart and give Samuel a chance.    I watched Katherine dry her teary eyes.

“Come stay with me.”

“Oh no, I will remain right where I am for the next two years.”

“What? Why? I don’t understand.”

“I’ve pondered this situation for weeks; I don’t have to think about forever with Samuel.”

“I don’t get it; you’re going to continue to live with a man you say is not the one.”

“Yes, I am in the best possible position to achieve my goals with financial ease. What is our biggest struggle as single women?”

“Rent.”

“Yes, I don’t pay rent, Samuel does. I pay the smaller expenses. I will continue to play the dutiful fiancé while completing my next two novels, my M.F.A. in addition to going back to the  New York City DownTown Chours to sing at Carnegie Hall, and Samuel will be standing beside me.  In two years, I can retire from teaching. To solidify the deal I will marry him and plan our honeymoon in Aruba.”

“Now I’m truly lost, you’re going to marry him.”

“Yes. Remember the little villa I have in the hills of St. Vincent that no one knows about except you.”

“Yes.”

“While we’re on our blissful honeymoon I will escape and go there. When he reports me missing he’ll become the main suspect.”

“Are you seriously going to do this?”

“Yes. I will be very happy on my little island; while he sits in jail.”

“What make you think Samuel will go to jail?”

“I’ll plant evidence pointing to his guilt.”

“What do you need me to do?”

“Oh, no I’m not going to get you involved in this the less you know the better.”

“I won’t let you do this alone. Remember we promised to be friend until the end, no matter what.”

“This is going to be a long two years, but I can’t leave unless I have the funds to support myself. I have a friend who works for a bank in St. Vincent she, will help me transfer my retirement checks there without anyone being able to trace them.”

My best friend will be gone in two years. What am I going to do?”

We continued to meet for our weekly rant sessions. I don’t know how Katherine did it; living each say in such misery.  Katherine kept an exhausting schedule, when she needed rest, she stayed at my place; by the end of the first year, she published one novel, half way through the second manuscript, and had completed her M.F.A.

The start of the second year Katherine said it was time to begin to focus the plan. She began to close all of her accounts transferring the money to a bank overseas. She cancelled her credits cards and for the rest of her life she will have to use cash she did not want to create a paper trail. Katherine through of everything she knows a someone who knows a guy who can create fake documents for her to assume a new identity. I begin to panic this was becoming real. I’ve heard of people doing stuff like this, I’ve seen movies of people planning how they would vanish, but this is close to home……stay tune for more of  Don’t Say Forever……

 

In the meantime, Read A Different Flavor of Love, by J. R, Floyd, Available On Amazon. https://www.amazon.com/Different-Flavor-Love-J-Floyd

Also, tune into my new YouTube Channel, Conversations from my Couch, and Hosted by me. Here is a sneak peek……. https://youtu.be/qYj5sSJepqE