Look Back & Moving Forward

Dear Readers, sometimes looking back can bring clarity to moving forward. Reflection time.

Have you ever had a moment when you heard a song, or looked at old pictures that made you reflect on the obstacles you have overcome? 

What triggered my moment of reflection was the simple task of ordering dinner. For some people ordering dinner is not a big deal. There was a time when I used to think that people who ordered dinner were lazy. The real truth is I didn’t think I was worth giving myself a break from cooking. I thought I was wasting money. Money that I worked hard to earn, and as crazy as it might seem at the time I wasn’t aware that some of that hard earned money should be spent on me. 

When I think back on how badly I treated myself feeling that some of the good things in life I wasn’t worthy of. All I did was work and worried about paying bills and having enough. I was in a horrible cycle of lack. The conversation I had with myself was about all the things that I shouldn’t buy and places that I couldn’t afford to go. I grind myself into debt, and no savings, which lead to more negative self conversations about lack. I became increasingly angry.

I watched with envy as others around me enjoyed life and I wondered what was their secret? I was jealous of women who wear nice clothes, designer bags, manicured nails, and stylish hair, oh and did I mention the killer makeup. 

I don’t know what I was thinking or why? Back in the day before I lost myself in the world of becoming a achiever by acquiring a college education and joining the crabs in the barrel crawling my way up the ladder of success; thus buying into someone else’s version of the ” American Dream,” but in my case my struggles lead to a ” nightmare.”  I got so caught up in a fantasy and   forgot to live, and enjoy the moments that gave me pleasure, instead I was looking for the big bang. 

Well it took hitting a few brick walls to shake me back into reality. I never achieved the level of success by society standards, instead, I discovered my purpose, I deeply enjoy teaching, blogging, creating podcasts and  my YouTube channels ( conversations with J R Floyd), and soon to be author of two more books. I am finally learning how to be comfortable with the person I am and it’s amazing. 

This summer ( 2021) I am going to achieve one of my biggest dreams on my bucket list. I am driving cross country from New York City to California, stopping at Mount Rushmore and the Grand Canyon. Yes, I am going to take the famous route 66. I am 57 years old and the days of putting off living life is over. I can retire at the age of 62, in the meantime, I am building a tiny in a city with a warm climate where I can continue to write, lecture and travel. 

I can’t make up for lost time, but I can enjoy the road ahead. 

Thank you for stopping by dragthepen

Available on Amazon

Available on Amazon

ALL IS WELL

Dear Readers, 

Sometimes life has a way of stopping us in our tracks helping us understand life on life’s terms, and to see the other picture behind the bigger picture. People are blinded by striving for professional success and clawing their way up the class and economic ladder, due to being dissatisfied with their current class status. We wish for more and do our best to keep up the JONESES, while theorizing that the grass is greener on the other side.

That Was Me. 

People have told me that I am a late bloomer my life played out in reverse.. I was a high school dropout, unwed teenage mother, and experienced years of working low paying jobs. It took time, but I found my way back on the right path to acquiring an education, where I discovered the love of English Literature. Victory you say, yes, and no, my story doesn’t end there. I have enjoyed years of academic success, but what spoiled my triumph was that I brought into the societal notion that I should fit myself into the idealized American Dream. This piece isn’t about how I achieved my American Dream, on the contrary, I did not achieve any dream because I was trying too hard to adjust to someone else’s Idea about how my life should play out. It almost RUINED me, I brought into the claim that “ one size fits all”. 

It was my pursuit of an inmate partnership  meaning to find Mr. right and to “ settle down” into a long term loving partnership. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be in a loving partnership, however, what I was doing was “ Settling” . I was literally looking for love in all the wrong faces. I confess that I viewed being alone as a disease, when I should have embraced my alone time as time to work on me ,and make the foundation of life stronger. I did not understand how to be with myself, and that I was in charge of my happiness, instead of relying on others to give me what I need to give to myself. I suffered years of abusive relationships and never truly found the person to show me genuine love, honesty, support my career goals, and my vision of becoming an author, and talk show host. A few years ago I was almost homeless because the man that I was engaged to asked me to leave his home immediately, because I refused to submit to him controlling my life. I struggled with  years of being emotionally and financially broken, confused and angry.  

I used to complain that my life wasn’t successful, I viewed my life as “ wasteful” , and then I read this quote by Susan Samarro, “ Nothing you’ve been through has been wasted”. Before entering the teaching profession, I spent 13 years as a well paid theater manager at a wonderful Performing Arts Center. There I witnessed operas’ page to stage, film festivals, and artist in residence programs, not to mention some famous movies that were filmed at my venue. In 2006, I took a final curtain bow and began my Masters program in Education while working as a floor supervisor at The Learning Resource Center. After completing my education I dove head first into my love of teaching Literature. Sounds like the perfect comeback story, oh yes it is. It took me to be sheltered in place during this coronavirus pandemic, that ALL IS WELL. While the world is in chaos, being sheltered in place has given me the time, space and peace that I have never known. The time to set up my new apartment room by room, lesson learned never give up my place to move in with a man. Second lesson, being home means spending less money, paying off bills, reviewing my finances and on the path to repairing my credit, and the savings is great.I am learning that I am at my best when I live alone, but currently, I have a roommate who temporarily went back home to her family. I cherish this down time. It makes good financial sense to have the support of a roommate, but moving forward I enjoy my own space. 

All is well because I know who I am, what I want and how to bring joy into my life. I enjoy coffee in bed, and sleeping late, cooking vegan meals, laying on the sofa watching movies, while  sipping wine and eating popcorn. I like the peace, quiet and space to create. I like being with me. I am not giving up on finding my life partner, but this is no longer at the top of my bucket list.  Today, I can truly say with confidence  ALL IS WELL. I am moving forward with the courage of a lioness, the sky is not the limit because I will never place limitations on what I can accomplish. 

Thank you for stopping by Dragthepen

Storms’ come to make you

Dear Readers, My name is J. R. Floyd the creator of Drathepen, the author of “The Waiting Game & a different Flavor of Love”.  My latest accomplishment is my YouTube channel Conversations with J. R. Floyd, dedicated to discussing issues that impact our relationships, men & women empowerment,  and exploring the destruction of the family. This year ( 2020) I challenged my readers to join me as I write Letters to Self. Each month I pick a topic and write a letter to self that I share on live streaming on Facebook and  You tube. Thus far, I have read Jan, Dear 2019, a farewell to the old year, February was Dear Love, March ,Dear Life, and below is the letter for April. this letter is to the people who support me,nand for all the people who are holding onto the end of their rope.

            

 

Dear, supporters, viewers, and readers, this is for you. What do you do when life constantly hits you with storms from all sides? I am currently at the start of what could develop into a mega storm, but I refused to lay down and be drowned by the waves of fear, anger and worry.  I am fighting back. I had plans for the way 2020, but it seems I am getting off to a slow and rough start. I know what you’re saying, we are only four months into the new year, give it some time and things will turn around. Yeah, OK, there might be some truth in that advice, but  time waits for no one and if I don’t get up now and revise my plans the year might turn out to be like all the other years when I waited and waited for change that did not come. Before my transformation into living life with better clarity, purpose and vision the old me would have laid down and allowed the world to stomp on me. I allowed the naysayers and the negative conversation in my head to convince me that my goals ain’t worth pushing through the obstacles that come to steal my joy.

 I won’t be satisfied living through another year sitting on the sideline whining and blaming life for what it did not bring to me. And, yes, it is mentally, emotionally, physically draining and disappointing to sit down, plot out a plan, craft a vision board, and set everything in motion only to be blocked by problem after problem. For a moment I did cease all activity. I folded my arms like a two year old and stomped my feet. So, after I recovered from my tantrum, I sat down and regrouped. Some deadlines will be pushed back. I will have to dig a little deeper and work more overtime to bring in the extra cash I need for my new video lights, the photo session for my website, for the new mobile phone that I desperately need. 

When in doubt I encourage you to take a moment and think about why you set goals and made plans. When in doubt I am going to continue to believe that I can and will achieve what I set out to do,which is to to continue to make my vision a reality.  I have conquered many mountains to arrive where I am today. I am enjoying the creative person I have become. I appreciate the lessons I am learning while rebuilding my life after three years of loss and devastation. Through all of the darkness I have emerged a better, charmer, happier person with a purpose and vision for my life. I am excited about working on my five year retirement and relocation plan. At this point in my life I do not have the leisure to sit around and whittle my thumbs. This is my chance, my time, my opportunity to achieve all the things that I have pushed back, rescheduled, and given up on because I thought they were unreachable and that I wasn’t worthy of living my best life. I no longer hold other people accountable for my happiness. I set expectations for myself and hold myself responsible. And, yes, with all of life’s ups and downs there can be better days. I look back on the downtime as lessons towards brighter days. I wake up each morning looking forward to life because I finally have the chance to make my life the way I want it to be. Everyday isn’t perfect and that’s okay. 

I am here to tell you that storms pass, and no matter the destruction they leave behind there is always a reason to be thankful and the chance to reflect, rebuild, and discover something new.

 

Thank you for stopping by dragthepen.

CLARITY

Hello my readers, I’m excited to be back. No, I didn’t leave psychically, I was M.I.A mentally. I checked out due to all the craziness, but its over. I’ve taken several steps to get back on track.
1. I’ve slowed down. what do I mean. I’ve changed my schedule to allow space and time for the things that important, such as, yoga in the morning and blogging and other writing projects at night.
2. Installed the internet and brought a new CD player to listen to Miles Davis while I write.
3. Today, I’ve had this amazing high, I’m getting back on track, the balance of my life is slowly being restored.
4. I’m reading books again. This years goal, read a book each month
TODAY I AM GRATEFUL

— celebrating success.

The Challenge

Dear readers,

I am thankful for a peaceful morning. We need to become aware of the effects of NOISE. Too much Chatter/ NOISE can be mentally damaging, NOISE prevents us from staying focus. NOISE is also physically draining. Some people are afraid of silence because they might hear what they need to hear and not what they want to hear. If your life lack clarity, I challenge you to try one day without TV, Radio, Social Media, turn off the Cell Phone, and Computers,  TURN OFF THE NOISE! Instead, take a walk, talk to your family, play a board game, read, or just sit in a favorite chair and BE Still.Today my strength is restore. I am grateful!

What Say You?