One Year Later

Dear Readers, 

Wow. what a difference a year makes. Last year this time the education system was struggling to educate our children remotely, proms, graduations, weddings, baby showers, religious and anniversary celebrations were cancelled. It took some for us to understand and come to terms with life as we once knew it was over and we were left with uncertainty. We fought through the fear of death, a second wave, political confusion, financial devastation, homelessness, depression and emotional Instability 

The Vaccine arrived and more uncertainty, yet, we yearned for relief from the limitations brought on by this pandemic, so we soldiered on. Today, I see smiling faces of families at graduations and proms. I see people despite all the controversy getting vaccinated, wearing masks and practicing social distancing, planning weddings and taking much needed vacations. Slowly, we will learn how to accept and adjust to this new “ Normal.”  I am no expert, but you and I know that we are  not out of the woods and no one knows when we will be free from the threat of this virus or the continued effects this virus will have on people’s health, business, and with the return of workers returning to the workplace. 

I know that we cannot continue to hide behind closed doors, but we must carry on with safe practices, while we begin to enjoy some of the pleasures that we had to leave behind last year.

Some members of my large family.

Thank you for stopping by Dragthepen.

We are beyond Cabin fever

Dear Readers,

Millions of people are voicing the same sentiment about their frustrations of the prolonged effects of this pandemic. The distress of limitations are very real for the people who fear this virus, so they don’t take chances to visit friends, relatives or gather in crowded places. They are not lured to travel to exotics places due to the cheap price of an airline ticket. These are the people who wear their mask at all times and are cautious about allowing people into their homes. The bottom line is that we have gone beyond the point of cabin fever. The mental, emotional, and physical toll caused by this pandemic is becoming frightening.

So maybe our old normal wasn’t so bad after all. An increasing number of people have declared that over time they have made certain adjustments under the assumption that this pandemic wouldn’t last. So, here we are January 4, 2021, almost one year since the day that the world shut down, then resumed some normal activities, and the numbers of hospital cases decreased, weather became warm and people felt a sense of relief and triumph. 

The reality is that we were never out of danger because the threat of the spread of the coronavirus looms at every corner. The individuals who broke social distancing rules, not because they have no respect for the law, instead, due to feeling the strain of being disconnected, and having limitations put on them. Look around and you will see the weariness in the eyes of the drained and confused. People are no longer making fat jokes about the coronavirus weight gain, and building home gyms, zoom happy hour, Friday zoom date night, drive by birthdays, and anniversaries celebrations have lost their thrill. 

How much more can marriages, relationships, friendships, and partnerships endure due to living in close quarters, and not being able to travel to see distant relatives?  Yes, the doctors and science professionals claim that we must remain socially distant, wear masks even in doors, wash our hands, get tested regularly, and stay away from sick people. However, what about the problem of the homeless population slowly returning to the streets and subways in New York City, and millions of people are threatened with eviction and the government’s second stimulus package is too late help. 

The day to day uncertainty is what’s causing so much emotional stress and hopelessness. So, with the dawn of a New Year, the vaccine, more social disconnection, restaurants shutting down, heavy travel restriction, majority of church doors closed, libraries remain shut, play houses still dark, and Winter, we are no better off than we were way back on March 10, 2019, when the world stopped. I hear many people admitting that they miss going into the office, teachers missing their students,  and people wishing they could turn back time and relive all the things they took for granted. I don’t know if people are losing faith in religion, politicians, or humanity, but we are at our breaking point, we are in need of emotional healing and a long, long vacation.

Thank you for stopping by Dragthepen

Then the Darkness Came

Dear Readers, 

I knew what it was the moment I felt it. I went into fight mode. I didn’t want to feel it not now. After all I made it through the months of being sheltered in place without giving into that feeling, so why now?  I don’t need this darkness to invade my life, interrupting my sleep, pressing down on me and taking away my will to live. I want to be happy, I desire to be whole. After all the B.S. that I have fought back from and survived why is it coming around now? 

When the light goes away I can’t think my thoughts become heavy, and my body turns into a pillar of stone. The harder I fight back against the gloom that threatens to overwhelm me with waves of sadness and flashback from my past choking me, and robbing me of the chance to see the brightness of the sun and to breath fresh air. So, I sink deeper and deeper into despair. 

AND THEN THE DARKNESS CAME……

Since the age of 17 I have been in a battle for my life with Depression. The suffering and pain of   mental illness is REAL, and the challenge to get through each second, hour and an entire day, is like pushing a one tone boulder up a steep hill with one hand.  I consider myself to be one of the lucky people who have fought this battle without medication,  but at a high price. The demons of depression will robe your soul and suck any glimmer of light and hope that tries to emerge. 

Before you ask, there is no wishing mental illness away, a vacation won’t cure it, spa day will just give a temporary reprieve, and for all the PRICKS out there who think that people who have lots of money have no reason to be depressed, well, if you walked 24 hours in a person shoes who is suffering from depression, and experience the inner hell that takes over mind, soul and spirit, you will have a better understanding of this dark abyss of misery. 

I am lucky this time the depression only lasted a month and I am slowly returning to a temporary normal. I have a few projects I am working on and the depression has set me back, but you will be hearing from me very soon. 

Thank you for stopping by dragthepen

What’s Important Now

Dear bloggers,  it’s been about one week since New York City has been slowly shutting down due to the Corona-virus. No matter what state you live in, today, I want to encourage you to remember this too shall pass. I invite you to think about the word WIN, What’s Important Now. Right where you are, think about what’s important now. Since this lock down has been set in place, people have been in a hurry to get back to “ normal” .  I hear people talk about feelings of fear, panic, chaos, depression, anger and confusion considering the circumstances these are all legitimate emotions. 

 

Question, how are you fueling these emotions? Are you a news hoarder?  It’s okay to check in for an update, but it is your Television, Cell phone, I pad, and Radio on 24 hours, so that your mind  is being bombarded with News. Yes, the fear about money, bills, rent, mortgage, car payments and so on are real. How is worry and panic going to solve your troubles? Try to avoid adding more stress and tension in your home during this period of being shut in. 

 

I suggest you try to focus on What’s Important Now. 

 

Focus on remaining as calm as you can. It’s important to maintain structure, make plans for how you’re going to spend the days, weeks maybe months. It’s okay to go out as a family for walks, exercise is important to maintain strength, eat well, avoid loading up on junk foods. Keep a regular sleep schedule. Use this time for self reflection individually and as a family. Maybe now is the time to create a new future for your family, or are you willing to go back to life as you call “ normal” . This crisis will change us as people and as a nation.  Are you going to come out of this crisis with a greater appreciation for family, God, your house of worship, place of employment, health, and home. Or better awareness about What’s Important Now? Will your bond with the people who matter most  be stronger? 

 

 I am thankful that I have a roommate and I am not alone. I am thankful to be able to work from home, and earn a paycheck.  I am thankful for my live Facebook chats to share words of empowerment. I am grateful I can talk to a community of bloggers. I have my life, my health, my family and friends are protected. This is What’s Important Now. 

 

My thoughts and prayers, are with the world.

 

Value In our Experiences

Dear Readers,

Many years ago I read Self Matters by Dr. Phil, In the Meantime and Value in the Valley, by Iyanla Vanzant, this was in the 90s, at that time I was under the silly notion that reading these books was going to make me a better person for the next relationship.

Here it is 24 years later, and I revisited these same books and the message is much clearer. Why? Today, I have better understanding that seeking to be a better me for the sake of a relationship was at the root of me thinking that I needed validation as a women, and this validation depended on whether I was successfull in a relationship.

What I did not understand then was how to value my experiences even when they were painful, and emotionally damaging. I did not receive the lesson that I was supposed to be better for me. So the more I worked at being better for the next relationship the less I knew about me.

I did not know that I was supposed to learn lessons about why I seeked out men who were only interested in the physical aspect of the relationship. I did not comprehend that the time in between relationships should be used for self reflection. I did not want to be alone and I thought the cure for my loneliness was a man. I was unaware that the period of transition from one relationship to the next is called the “meantime”… a time to heal, reflect, and wait. My in the meantime meant crying, depression, drinking, and trying to figure out ways to make him come back. It was always about the relationship because I did not know that self mattered until I read Dr. Phil’s book. What I gathered is this that a dyfuncational self leads to attracting dyfuncational and abusive men.

The value in my experience taught me what wasn’t working and why. I was putting too much attention nursing my pain and thinking this isn’t going to happen again, but it did happen more times than I care to count.

I blamed men. I convinced myself that they were mean, abusive, cold, heatless, lairs, cheaters, cheap and can not be trusted. After years of soul searching, healing and learning about myself, I understand my role in opening the door for the abuse. I believed the lies because I did not  want to face the truth. I knew the men I was involved with were cheaters and cheap. They weren’t heartless and cold these men did not want to be emotionally connected to me they way I desired. The men from my past knew that I had low self esteem, and that I hadn’t discovered my self worth. They saw me as an opportunity and a means to an end.

As difficult as this may be to hear there is Value in our Experiences. While we are going through the darkness we can’t see the lessons. It is when we step away from the drama, and push through to the light we can come to terms with the experiences that teach the lessons that brings awareness.

Thank you for stopping by dragthepen.

Please visit my website

https://www.conversationswithjrfloyd.com/

Just for today.

Dear Readers,

Today is that day. You know the day you just can’t seem to hold life together. People say push through, but why? Today,  I can’t just push through. Sometimes pushing through causes more harm than good. Today, is the day that I need to step back and work through this mist of fog.

I have been digging in and plowing through for months. Day by day, pushing down the emotional waves that threaten to overwhelm me, holding back tears, smiling, laughing, when I really want to scream out and crawl in a corner and be left alone. Having private conversations with that voice in my head, whispering ” I am okay”.  Today, I am not ok. I think about the thousands of people who go through life faking the funk lying  to themselves about being “ok”,  afraid of having a break down because people will judged them for  being weak. Shame on us for creating a society where its not good to admit that ” I am not okay”.

Today,  is my day to feel the emotional waves and let them do what they do. Today, is the day for the tears to flow. Today,  is the day for me to admit to the voice in my head that I am exhausted, depressed, and that I feel the pain of loneliness and isolation from friends and family. Today, I will lay in bed with the breakfast, while organzing  my personal projects.  I will quite my mind by reading and siping a glass of merlot. Awww the pleasures of life are short lived. I am counting the days until the month of June ends, and looking  forward to my vacation to California. In the meantime, at the close of this day I will take a warm bubble bath, indulging in a mani- pedi, burn my favorite candle ( vanilla) and prepare my mind and body to face the next day.

Thank you for reading💖

Join my new podcast on Sound Cloud: Conversations with J. R. Floyd

Whats Your Game Name?

Dear Readers, What’s your game name now?

Strange question. This is one of the prompts from the ten-day writing challenge. So here is my answer. My brand name is J. R. Floyd and my game is branding myself as a singer, writer, motivational speaker, blogger and Vlogger. This brand name did not come easy, it was given to me for my stage and writing name. I am forever thankful for the person who suggested this name while taping an interview for my first novel, The Waiting Game.  Currently, I am the host of my You Tube Channel, Conversations with J. R. Floyd. I never thought in this life time that I would be where I am now. The plan that I had for myself was to earn my education become a public-school teacher, but this process was delayed I spent three years in a depression and I assumed all hope was lost. I felt doomed to a life that lacked creativity. I watched one by one as people around me were leaving the job for their dream job, their dream life and I remained stuck.

People kept telling me that God had other plans for me. I am struggling to believe this. I am making a major effort to come to terms with my position in life. I have made major progress from what my old game name used to be, a no skills, high school drop out to college educated, writing books, classical singer, and newly motivational speaker. I am still in aww at the new me. Years ago, I lost my confidence. But that doesn’t matter because that use to be my old story with my old game name. I am happy to be J. R. Floyd the creator of stories, the singer, the educator and host of my own You Tube channel, the author of books. Yeah, I like, no I love this new game name.

What say you? What is your game name? Join me on my You Tube Channel, Conversations with J. R. Floyd.

 

 

How is your Mental Health?

Dear reader,

I am sharing this video because of the misconception about what people feel mental illness is or isn’t. I am sharing my personal story. Yes, today I put a face on Mental Illness.

THE TERROR OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

This article is in honor of the women who came before me and the ones after me.

            I had blinders on. I wasn’t blinded by love just pure ignorance. My mother never whispered words of warning about the “wolves in sheep’s clothing”, nor did I see the “proceed with caution sign”. I describe my experience with domestic violence, as being in the Twilight Zone, during that period of time nothing seemed real, it felt like it was staged. Although my wounds have healed, my heart is mended and my spirit restored; I think about the women who did not make it out and are still knee deep in the grips of the terror of domestic violence. My story is one of hope, desire and rebirth.

 

The Face in My Mirror

A Self Portrait

 I woke up that morning as I did every morning, feeling like I had been drinking all night. My head was heavy and my mouth was dry. The bedroom was dark the blinds were closed and the drapes drawn. This atmosphere reflected my spirit. I carried myself to the bathroom as though I was a fat lady who weighed a thousand pounds. What was usually a short trip from my bedroom to the bathroom turned into an endless journey. Each step that I took towards my destination moved further and further away. When I reached the bathroom the cold tile sent chills up my spine. I was not aware that I had no slippers on my feet. I closed my eyes before turning on the light, a ritual that I performed every day.

I stood for a moment slowly opening my eyes to let the light in. I stared at myself in the mirror, searching for signs of life but there was only emptiness. I could no longer force a smile or even wash away the sadness that soured my soul. For year, I had worn a mask in public to hide the sadness I kept in my heart.

I glanced over at my dressing table where I sat to apply my make-up, just as a clown would sit down to his dressing table to paint the face that entertained the guests who have come to see the show. I thought to myself, not today, no more hiding, no more pretending.

I had to make a choice to come face to face with the truth about how corrupt I was living. At that moment, I began to feel an instant wave of relief wash over me. I made a long awaited decision, no more masquerade.

It was December 1, 1994, the day I hit rock bottom.

It also was the best day of my life.

It has been years … Since I decided not to dance with the devil anymore…I decided to face my fears, open my closet and let out all the skeletons, no more secrets.

What I did not know then. I know now.

“Divine time and order”. There were lessons to learn even though some of them came with a price.

It was 1988, I met a quiet, charming, handsome man who was drug free, hardworking and attracted to me. He said that he “wanted me to be his wife and mother of his children”. I said, “Yes” and good-bye to “Ms. Party Girl”, I led a clean life by stopping the drinking, and drugging and I settled into married life.

After setting into the role of “Mrs. Homemaker” not long after I found myself in an abusive situation. My husband turned from prince charming into a MONSTER. All my dreams of a happy forever after came crashing down, and I returned to booze and drugs for the next four years. I was desperate to hold on to what I thought was my only chance at a happy life.

On December 1, 1994, when I stood in that bathroom looking at myself in the mirror, I saw someone that I know did not recognize.   I no longer desired to be a victim anymore. My first step on the road to well-being and enlightenment was to free myself from a relationship that only aided in me falling into a deep depression and lowering my self-esteem.

Once I accomplished securing my freedom I relocated and the real work began. I entered into the world of therapy, seeking to find out why my life had turned out the way it did. I honestly felt that all the trouble was due to me choosing men who were all wrong for me.

Seven sessions into therapy, I discovered that at the core of my problems was that I never experienced a true caring, loving and trusting relationship. Not even with my parents. After years of therapy and a lot of soul searching, I learned to love myself, accept myself, and to make peace with my past. I have learned the art of true forgiveness, unconditional love and acceptance.

My choices don’t make me a good or bad person, it’s what I do about the choices I make. I look to “ME” for happiness and rejoice in the happiness that others bring into my life. Now my life is filled with much joy and peace. To this end I have a very important message to share from Maya Angelou, she said “Once you heal yourself, help to heal others one person at a time”.

 An excerpt from The Original Article “The face in My Mirror” Street News