Dear Readers, There is a saying that goes, “stuff happens” sometimes the stuff that happens results in disappointment. Over the year’s, I have learned that although being disappointed may lead to feelings of anger, resentment that causes some people to shut down, and put up protective barriers, however, in my case I have agained more than I lost because of being disappointed.
What I’ve learned.
1.Due to my experiences I have learned to be prepared to handle the outcome. People say, keep a positive attitude, but let’s be realistic being prepared emotionally and mentally helps to handle being disappointed. 2. I am careful of the people who make promises to me. Actions will always speak louder than words. 3. I had to think is it the promise that was broken or I am disappointed by the person that I placed confidence in. 4. I depend on myself more than I do others. This can be quit difficult, however in the end if something isn’t done I only have me to blame. 5. I began to reflect on why I was disappointed, did I act disappointed as an excuse for something I could have done, instead of placing the burden of shame and blame on others?
A life Experience
In 2015, when I published my first book, The Waiting Game, people made all kinds of promises to me. They pledge to purchase a copy, attend book signings, and book discussion. These people helped me to understand that becoming an author and publish speaker is my vision not theirs. I have to show up every day and put in the work. I hired a professional editor rather than relying on friends who promise to read my manuscript and give me feed back. I hired a beautiful and creative graphic designer for my books covers, and a photographer. I am thrilled with my team because they are professionals who understand deadlines and the creative process. The people who disappointed me I hold no anger towards, they helped me to push harder to achieving my goals.
You might disagree with what I am about to say, while on the path of healing from years of mental confusion, abusive relationships, and emotional brokenness; I reflect back to my youth, and I arrived at the conclusion that my parents and other adult members of my family set me on a collision course for failure. I am not using my parents as a scapegoat or pointing the finger of blame at them for my poor choices that led to horrible experiences. However, my upbringing wasn’t easy and I struggled through many obstacles and hardships. I am reminded that I wasn’t successful in many areas of my life due to the lack of basic life skills that weren’t taught to me by my parents.
The rationale for my statement is that I believe that family sets the foundation for a child’s readiness for life. Home sets the stage for children to apply to real life circumstances what they learn from family role models. The lessons about life and life skills this training should begin at home not in the streets or from their peers who know less than they do. The knowledge of living by good morals and values should begin at home. I’m a baby boomer and the world is completely different from when I was a child, the structure and function of the family has changed. Today’s generation has more odds stacked against them and they need to be prepared to face the challenges of this world.
Unfortunately, my parents did not teach me the value of saving, budging, buying property, securing employment in positions that offer benefits such as pension, or investing for my future. In my childhood home education wasn’t important, instead, I constantly heard from my mother
” can’t wait until you’re eighteen so you can get out on your own.” Who says this to a child who has nothing to stand on. My parents were anxious to get us, meaning all eight of my siblings out of the house. It didn’t matter where we went or how we got there, the rule was graduate high school, get a job and leave.
This area of my life has been a source of deep anger, why, because over my life I’ve established friendships with people from various cultures and economic backgrounds. One key factor I observed is that my friends lived in homes where a foundation was set in place to help them to succeed. In these homes were examples of good work ethics, education was valued, family time meant a sit down meal every night, and my friends family gatherings were not about getting drunk and fighting, but time for bonding and good creating memories. My friends parents had a plan for their children and they were allowed to remain at home until they were stable enough to provide for themselves. I remember one time when I had to return home my presence wasn’t welcomed, and again I was constantly asked ” was I saving money to get another place to live.” That was the first and last time I went back.
I used to imagine how my life would have been if I was raised in an environment where I was nurtured, and asked about my future dreams, if my mother had given me mother daughter time, and talked to me about the birds and the bees. If my father had shown me more love and a softer side of him, instead of dealing out cruel punishment for childhood mistakes.
My childhood home felt more like a detention center, my father the warden, and the other family members fell in line and supported his military style of ruling with an iron fist. By the time I left home at 18 with a young baby I was no warfare, scared, and clueless about being a single mother and how to survive on my own. I struggled never having enough money or food.
Fast forward…..
Despite the rough beginning I found my way but it wasn’t easy. I suffered and my family did not offer any support. I gladly accepted therapy to help work through the pain of my lost childhood, the horrors of my young adult life and the poor choices I made that lead to severe emotional damage.The path to recovery from years of abusive relationships and setbacks have been a rocky journey, but there is good news, the last five years I’ve been able to plant my feet on solid ground. Discovering my true self, learning self care, my worth, and being one hundred percent self sufficient is difficult, but worth the sacrifices I made because it’s all for me.
I currently work with college students as an Academic Coach. Each day I do my best to make a difference in their lives. I listen when they talk, I find resources to help them work through life’s problems. I tell them that they are important and capable of achieving their goals, and what they feel and think is relevant. I put forth an effort to ensure that I am not another adult in their lives that will set them on a collision course for failure.
I want to love the world through the heart of a child. To experience unconditional warmth, acceptance, to embrace life with pure openness. To love with the heart of a child is to be brave, adventurous, and unassuming. To love with the heart of a child means to be fearless, playful, selfless, and bold. To love with the heart of a child means to forgive, hold no grudges, to be curious, and ask why? When children love they embrace you with hugs that melt your heart and chase away the boogeyman. Children love with deep loyalty, and their love is not conning or wonders what they will gain or lose by loving.
Unlike the heart of adults that have lost its warmth, locking out hope and possibilities. The heart of adults is weak, selfish, cold, and holds grudges. It’s been traumatized by disappointment, neglect, abuse, broken promises, lost love, anger, and resentment. Adults love with a heart that questions loyalty, and loves with the mindset that questions, ” what’s in it for me”? Unlike adults when children love there is no plan B, or leaving options open.
The heart is an organ that is the center of life, yet we are careless and neglectful in the way we take care of our hearts. The majority of humanity is guilty and careless about expressing, practicing and showing authentic love. We take love for granted like we do our hearts until there is a breakdown then and only then we perceive how important authentic love is, and how vital it is for our survival. Nothing grows ( Matures) without love, every creature and human needs to be nurtured. But, sometimes we wait until the very thing or person that we claim to love departs from our lives to understand that love is much more than a momentary feeling, and that love is healing just as much as it is destructive.
Are we a society that has given up on understanding the sacred power of love? I loved once it was sweet, joyful, trusting, and as blissful as the rising sun after a spring rain. I shall love again because I believe in a child like love.
I started out in 2015, not sure where the road would lead me. My dreams was to become a public school teacher work 20 years and retire. Well, life had other plans. Sometimes we can think too small and play life safe. Here is the short version, I survived an abusive childhood, domestic violence, bankruptcy, homelessness, and 2 years ago, the man who I thought was the last love of my life tuned out to be another abuser, so I left to start life over from ground zero at the age of 54. I survived it all and not only did I survive, I am victorious in my come back, while ;earning valuable lessons. Above all to you my readers, you must believe in yourself. Take that dream out of your head and make it a reality. Through all the betrayals, disappointments, bumps. twists, valleys, and ditches, I didn’t develop thick skin, I learned the gift of compassion, and life humbled me. I found my purpose, and the last two years of my life have been the best.
Instead of becoming a public school teacher I am an adjunct English instructor. One blog in 2015, developed into Dragthepen and 600 blogger mates. I currently manage a You Tube channel, Conversations with J. R. Floyd, a platform to dedicated to discussing the issues that impact our relationships, empowering men and women to be better and to explore the failure of family, especially, in the African American Community. I truly believe that through conversation people can begin to heal their brokenness and learn to love themselves, and their family. I am living my dream of being a classical singer, and in June 2019 I performed at Carnegie Hall, with the BMCC New York City Downtown Chorus.
Almost five years later I am on my third book. They are no grand novels, but they do teach valuable lessons. The most valuable lesson put me first, and to surround myself with people who support my growth. Prince Charming might be out there, but at this time I am no longer interested in being some ones MRS. I am going to continue on this road its quite remarkable.
This 90 days of reflection, discovery, and renewal is a personal journey of deep contemplation and a search for answers to a life in a constant battle with tragedy, depression, and hopelessness. For some people hitting a brick wall knocks the life out of them. My collision lead to a level of clarity to understand how unnecessary distractions and being unaware caused my life to veer of course. My experiences have taught me that sometimes a second chance can lead to a new beginning. ( SOON TO BE RELEASED )
At last my one true love has come. My dear you asked me what do I expect of you. This is a difficult question to answer. Why? Usually expectation leads to disappointment.
But since you asked………………..
Be a man of honor, compassion and above all have patients.
Stand by my side through all circumstances, and open your heart and take me as I am.
Show me the best of what you have to offer as a man.
Be my best friend, confidant, lover, should to cry on when the world is crushing me.
The arms that protect me from the wolves of this world.
To sit in silence and hold my hand when there is no needs for words.
To walk with me while I fight the good fight.
Do all these things and I will show you the best woman I can be.
my story about how relationship myths can lead to dyfuncational relationships.relationships
dragthepen 