Dear Readers, There is a saying that goes, “stuff happens” sometimes the stuff that happens results in disappointment. Over the year’s, I have learned that although being disappointed may lead to feelings of anger, resentment that causes some people to shut down, and put up protective barriers, however, in my case I have agained more than I lost because of being disappointed.
What I’ve learned.
1.Due to my experiences I have learned to be prepared to handle the outcome. People say, keep a positive attitude, but let’s be realistic being prepared emotionally and mentally helps to handle being disappointed. 2. I am careful of the people who make promises to me. Actions will always speak louder than words. 3. I had to think is it the promise that was broken or I am disappointed by the person that I placed confidence in. 4. I depend on myself more than I do others. This can be quit difficult, however in the end if something isn’t done I only have me to blame. 5. I began to reflect on why I was disappointed, did I act disappointed as an excuse for something I could have done, instead of placing the burden of shame and blame on others?
A life Experience
In 2015, when I published my first book, The Waiting Game, people made all kinds of promises to me. They pledge to purchase a copy, attend book signings, and book discussion. These people helped me to understand that becoming an author and publish speaker is my vision not theirs. I have to show up every day and put in the work. I hired a professional editor rather than relying on friends who promise to read my manuscript and give me feed back. I hired a beautiful and creative graphic designer for my books covers, and a photographer. I am thrilled with my team because they are professionals who understand deadlines and the creative process. The people who disappointed me I hold no anger towards, they helped me to push harder to achieving my goals.
Have you ever asked yourself, ” is today the day?” until my recent adventure driving cross country, I’ve never pondered this question. While on the road I was caught up in site seeing and overwhelmed by the beauty of the land. I didn’t have time to think about my misspend youth, tramadic relationships, or the next step in my healing process. I didn’t take any self help books, nor did I journal about my past emotional trauma. When I returned home my thoughts drafted towards ways to carve out more vacation time, and weekend get aways, how to make changes to my work schedule, and cut back on others projects.
I don’t have problems with the healing process, what I take issues with is this no one told me when the process would be over. I’ve been engrossed in finding answers, asking why, and stewing in anger and resentment towards the people involved in the trauma of my past. I’ve waited for years for a Tah – Dah the announcement or approval that it is safe for me to begin living, trusting, believing, to meet new people, and to discover a sincere emotionally balanced intimate connection with a partner I feel safe with, instead of being neglected and abused.
During my time on the road I experiencied true freedom. I didn’t feel the weight from the pain of my past, my adventure cross country showed me how long I’ve been under the strain of the darkness of depression and fear that I forgot how to walk in the life of joy, happiness, peace, adventure, to develop loyal friendships, and reconnect with family. I thought the safe thing to do was to shut myself off and build up walls. I voted never again. My negative thinking dragged me deeper into a pit of dispire.
This is the day, year, and time for me to stop hiding behind the fear of making mistakes. This is the day to silence the angry voices that I have allowed to hold me back. Today, is the day that I trust myself to live and walk forward with caution.
It’s been a long time since I’ve talked about a relationship topic. The world has been turned upside down by this pandemic, and people have more pressing issues to think about then relationships. I’ve heard people talk about the challenges they faced during the first half of the pandemic when we were ordered to be sheltered in place.
Now that some restrictions have been lifted I guess people are beginning to venture out and start to date again. In my case I’ve been dateless for two years, partly by choice and also because I am on a journey of healing and self discovery, but I know I can’t hide forever.
What do men and women like me do when they fear going back out into the hopeless society of dating. My first book entitled The Waiting Game is inspired by my tragic relationships and my misconception that everyone in the dating game is looking for the real deal.
It took a lot for me to admit to myself and to confess to you that I don’t want to be alone, don’t get my message wrong, I am comfortable with my own company, and I will continue to discover more of who I am and what I need and don’t need from an intimate relationship. The bottom line for me is that I am afraid of being played again, and having to start over getting to know someone new and thinking about who to truth.
In the past I realized I moved to fast in the relationships that turned out to be messy situationships. not only did I move too fast, but I allowed myself to be pushed in directions that I felt uncomfortable with. Is it just me or my thinking that men are not interested in being patient and taking things slow. They want to know right away what’s in it for them in other words they are not wasting their time if they are getting their needs met.
I am 57 years old and it’s been my experience that men my age want younger women. You know the type of OG’s who are looking to relieve their youth. Or the men I use to meet who are only interested in netflix and chill nights at home. Now that the coronavirus is here this adds another hindrance, so now I don’t dare think about venturing out into the dating scene.
Listen, I am not asking for prince charming to come alone and sweep me off my feet, that fantasy sailed a long time ago. It’s simple: where are the honest men who haven’t been tinted by gold diggers, cheating women, or been broken and beaten by too many bad relationships, not on the DL, know who they are what they want, and are emotionally stable and want to be in a relationship for the right reasons. Where are the men who appreciate women like me who go out every day to earn an honest living, have a plan for the future, good family and friend relationships, and live by a moral code of good ethics and values.
Where are the men who desire to be in a monogamous relationship without the urge to have side pieces. Where are the men who dare to go the distance in a long term partnership regardless of the ditches and valleys. Where are the men who are willing to accept me for who I am the way I am and not reject me based on what I don’t have.
Where are the men who don’t believe in being community property by sleeping around and collecting baby mamas. Where are the men who understand their responsibility and accountability when they make the decision to enter into a relationship they claim they want. It’s simple, just be honest with yourself first, I don’t want to be played or layed. I desire to be respected, except, loved, protected, supported and understanding for my life vision and open communication. I want honesty, romance, creativity, someone with a strong family bond, confidence, intelligence, sense of humor, good hygiene and healthy eating habits, belief in God, and someone who believes in friendship is the foundation of any relationship.
I don’t know where these men are but if they are out there somebody let them know that women like me are waiting for them.
I rather see the world through the eyes of a child. To see the world with innocence, joy, playfully, no judgement, bright and smiling. Eyes that believe in fairies, and laughs at the stars. Eyes that are amazed at discovery and are in awww at silly things and butterflies, lady bugs, and rainbows. Eyes that don’t lie about emotions and sleep with angelic peace. The eyes of a child are unbiased, clear, and blameless. The eyes of a child uplifts, heals, and gives hope.
Unlike the eyes of adults that are dark, unfocused, unsure, and they frown. These eyes are tinted by experience, they stop believing, they are filled with mistrust, and evil. The eyes of an adult beam with betrayal, anger, bitterness, shame and guilt. These eyes are serious, dull with responsibility, pain and suffering. Lost is the ray of hope, joy, happiness, and trust. The eyes of an adult are bleak, and have lost direction.
I rather look at the world through the eyes of a child then I could wipe the tears from my adult eyes, smile and giggle at the funny man in the clouds.
By now you should be familiar with who I am and what I do. Recently, I posted my welcome video to Conversations with J. R. Floyd, my latest project on my YouTube channel, decided to issues that impact our intimate relationships and explore problems that destroy families. This month ( July 2020) I am celebrating my 2nd anniversary for my YouTube channel, and my path to healing years of emotional and spiritual brokenness. At the beginning of 2020, I asked my viewers, readers, bloggers, and supporters to join me in this year’s Theme of writing letters to self. This idea came to me while I was penning my third book, 90 Days of Reflection, Discovery and Renewal. During my journey of journaling for 90 days, I discovered that there were areas of my life that I thought that I had healed, but certain events in my life brought to my awareness that I need to revisit some old wounds that really hadn’t healed completely.
I have written letters to myself, to people, ( My mother and father), to my supporters, to life, and to love, however, I never sat down and wrote a letter addressed to me. I spent years walking through life in a fog, meaning that my life had no direction nor did I have any good role models to support me. I walked around in darkness and pain, but I wasn’t aware that I was suffering, I covered up my pain and distress by engaging in one bad relationship after another. I worked out like a fiend and stick to a strict vegetarian diet. I wanted everyone to see that I had my life together, but the truth was I would go home and fall to my knees in tears because wearing masks was exhausting.
It wasn’t enough that I had worked my way through College, an accomplishment that I never celebrated because I wanted others to praise me and put me on a petals, and when this didn’t happen the seeds of anger were planted. When I didn’t get my dream job or what I thought was my dream, the seeds of anger sprouted into buds of resentment. It never dawned on me that I was spewing my bitterness at the wrong people. I didn’t know that I was supposed to create the life I wanted, instead, I was under the impression that life was supposed to bring me what I wanted just by me thinking it. I thought that if I was a “ good girl” and did all the right things, walk a “ good path” that all things good would come to me. So, I wasted years of my life hoping, wishing, praying, crying and wondering when am I going to catch a break? All this time I didn’t understand that I was a passive participant in my own life. It wasn’t until someone said to me, “ you don’t wait for people to give you an opportunity, you make your own” that Was in 2014. Since that time I’ve become an active participant in my own life.
The change didn’t happen overnight and I have had some setbacks, but the lessons and the progress I’ve made in the last three years is amazing. Blogging, publishing my own books, living my dream of singing in a classical chorus, traveling, creating my YouTube channel, and my latest project a new website Conversations with J. R. Floyd. I teach vision board workshops and coach people how to make their visions for their life a reality. I go to bed each night with a sense of purpose and accomplishment. Pursuing an intimate relationship is no longer a priority. I surrounded myself with people who encourage and support my life vision and growth. I cherish my new found peace and clarity, and looking forward to the new change in my career as a Case Planner working with children in foster care. My first love will always be teaching, but it is time for change.
The Law of Greed and Reward: taking from the poor and giving to the rich. Wrapping ourselves in Selfish demeanor like a warm fur coat, finding Pleasure in the agony inflected on the less favorable. They say, ” I am Strong, therefore, you are Weak.” Preying on the innocent souls who are powerless to fight back. ” I say, Shameful.” This great universe would be a better place of existence, if we Disconnect from the chaos, and Discover that, ” Love is the only law to obey” Ziggy Marley