Value In our Experiences

Dear Readers,

Many years ago I read Self Matters by Dr. Phil, In the Meantime and Value in the Valley, by Iyanla Vanzant, this was in the 90s, at that time I was under the silly notion that reading these books was going to make me a better person for the next relationship.

Here it is 24 years later, and I revisited these same books and the message is much clearer. Why? Today, I have better understanding that seeking to be a better me for the sake of a relationship was at the root of me thinking that I needed validation as a women, and this validation depended on whether I was successfull in a relationship.

What I did not understand then was how to value my experiences even when they were painful, and emotionally damaging. I did not receive the lesson that I was supposed to be better for me. So the more I worked at being better for the next relationship the less I knew about me.

I did not know that I was supposed to learn lessons about why I seeked out men who were only interested in the physical aspect of the relationship. I did not comprehend that the time in between relationships should be used for self reflection. I did not want to be alone and I thought the cure for my loneliness was a man. I was unaware that the period of transition from one relationship to the next is called the “meantime”… a time to heal, reflect, and wait. My in the meantime meant crying, depression, drinking, and trying to figure out ways to make him come back. It was always about the relationship because I did not know that self mattered until I read Dr. Phil’s book. What I gathered is this that a dyfuncational self leads to attracting dyfuncational and abusive men.

The value in my experience taught me what wasn’t working and why. I was putting too much attention nursing my pain and thinking this isn’t going to happen again, but it did happen more times than I care to count.

I blamed men. I convinced myself that they were mean, abusive, cold, heatless, lairs, cheaters, cheap and can not be trusted. After years of soul searching, healing and learning about myself, I understand my role in opening the door for the abuse. I believed the lies because I did not  want to face the truth. I knew the men I was involved with were cheaters and cheap. They weren’t heartless and cold these men did not want to be emotionally connected to me they way I desired. The men from my past knew that I had low self esteem, and that I hadn’t discovered my self worth. They saw me as an opportunity and a means to an end.

As difficult as this may be to hear there is Value in our Experiences. While we are going through the darkness we can’t see the lessons. It is when we step away from the drama, and push through to the light we can come to terms with the experiences that teach the lessons that brings awareness.

Thank you for stopping by dragthepen.

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https://www.conversationswithjrfloyd.com/

The downside of being a Man

Dear Readers,

Recently, I blogged about how women, partially black women who are Fed Up with lackadaisical black men.Today’s post is decicated to men who feel that they don’t have parts of them that are broken; and their need to live in denial instead of addressing what is truly nagging at them. Its easy for men to lay blame and point the finger at women for the complications they suffer. Men rely on the theory of Orginal Sin. Remember Eve, Adams wife in the garden of paradise, as the story goes she lead her man astray by convincing him to take a bite from the forbidden fruit. Nice try, but no one is buying into this lame excuse to use women as scapegoats. The truth is men have experienced tragic lost, childhood trauma, abuse, neglect, and some witnessed the abuse of their mothers, were molested, and beaten by their father’s who told them they had to be a man.
Men are under pressure to be leaders, masculine, brave, and to disconnect from their emotional needs so that they wouldn’t appear to be weak. Men have been taught to be predators, aggressive, bread winners, players, and heroes. At a young age, little boys are taught to be tuff, first lesson don’t cry, second lesson be aggressive, third lesson learn how to fight, thus this is how little boys mature into angry adults. Men are told what to feel, and how to think like a man in some cases young boys are put in charge of being the man of the house a role he knows nothing about.
Men are taught that they have to take what they want, and to keep his women in check, that he is the head of the family and his authority should not be challenged. Some men are forced into marriages due to cultural beliefs; others because of knocking someone daughter up. And there are the momma’s boy’s, their mother’s treat them like surrogate husbands, keeping them at home and discourage any women she feels isn’t good enough for her son.
Men are getting married and they are on the DL. Men are allowed to have a wife and a side chick running between two homes, trying to be a man in one, and a player in the other. Bottom line men will never admit that they are oppressed by society’s standards on what it means to be a man. For centuries men have suppressed their anger, and deny that they are emotionally broken leading them to develop dysfunctional behaviors. Its because of these reasons and more that some men find it difficult to successfully engage in a one -on- one intimate relationship. And to conceal what is broken about them they shift the burden on women citing that we are difficult, too emotional, nags, too independent, angry, and selfish.
I would like to say to men I am a mother of a wonderful son who have developed into an amazing father, and dedicated husband. He wears many hats, a Solider, football coach, church musician, and he is an excellent cook. Over the years my son has opened up to me about experiences that have caused him pain, and I am happy about the positive path he has choose  to help heal his brokenness.
The world is not the enemy its just the ridiculous standards that society has heaped upon each gender placing them at a disadvantage. We are not allowed to be our true selves, instead we are told who we need to be.

What say you?

My Amazing son who taught me how to be a better mother and about power of unconditional forgiveness.