No you can’t have my joy!

I refuse to allow anyone to steal my joy! Did you hear me? I refused to allow anyone to steal my joy! This is a confession of a former people pleaser that included allowing people to steal my joy. No, Don’t feel sorry for me I willingly participate in opening the path for people to come Into my life and steal my joy.
How did this happen? Let me explain.
I cared too much about other people’s opinions about me regardless if their judgement was right or wrong. I poured my heart and soul into doing whatever I could to make them like me.
I spend way too much time catering to other people’s needs and disobeyed that voice in my head that whispered ” what about you and what you need”. I was under the foolish impressions that people cared. It took me a long time to come to grips with the fact that people are only out for their best interest, and if they can use you its because your a means to an end.
For years I bite my tongue held my peace and refused to talk back to defend myself. I swallowed every insult and stood strong like a dummy and smiled while saying,” its ok.”
I did things I didn’t want to do and visited places I had no business going. I conspired against people because someone asked me to. I denied myself simple pleasures in life because I was too busy giving them to others who I felt deserved the blessing more than I did.
During all of this I carried a cinder block of unhappiness that I couldn’t explain. I was angry, but I did not know who to be angry at. This cycle continued for years until a incident happened that shook me to the core of my thinking. The first thought was to kiss up to the individual and get back on their good side. But that voice in my head overpowered me and roared No! We are not going to allow this situation to steal our joy! It was amazing. It was like I saw the sun for the first time. I asked myself why? Why should I bend because another person chooses to give me the silent treatment. No. No. No. I will not allow you to take my joy! I have armed myself, I have a plan, I am smiling because my plan doesn’t involve revenge, being angry or showing my discomfort. My choice is simply to go about each day and not allow you to steal my joy!
I refuse to be miserable. I refuse to lose sleep think of way to make things right. I refuse to submit to your will.
Today, and every day, I close the door and will not allow you to enter to steal my joy!

750 words for 10 days

Dear Readers,

A few days ago I decide to join a 10 day writing challenge. Each day the group is given a writing prompt and the goal is to write 750 words or to write for 30 minutes. As of today, March 24, 2019, We are on day 6. Thus far this challenges has been an amazing experience. During this writing process I am purging myself of emotions and experiences that need to be left on the page so that I can move forward, and live life feeling lighter, free and clear from past events. I am sharing Day 4 with you. I hope that this will inspire you to look within for healing.

Day 4 prompt: Conversation with Me

The conversation I have with myself is often unkind. I’ve been hard on me because I feel that I am a failure, I have failed life, and failed to get to the place that I thought I should be. I never have a conversation with the young me because I would not know what to say to her. The young me is a distant memory. I don’t know what she wanted, dreamed and craved to be. I know that she felt that no one wanted her, she was told she was ugly, with a big forehead. The young me was bullied, touched, beaten and was confused. My conversation with me has been one of anger because I didn’t accomplish what I said I would do for self. I try to say nice things to me, but I don’t know when I lost my confidence. I say , “ self why did you lose your discipline, why did you give up, why did you allow people to beat you down.” I have always talked myself out of having the best life has to offer then I would become angry at others for enjoying what I should have been doing. I keep saying self one day we are going to…. But I never get to that day. I don’t push myself like I use to. I use to look in the mirror and say your beautiful, your body is beautiful, your smart, creative and your going to make it. So, now I’m learning to reprogram the conversation that I have with me, and not to take in the chatter from the outside. When I was younger I wished someone would have told the young me that it’s the conversation that we have with ourselves that can cause the most damage. Healing is a process and I am enjoying rewriting the script. So, What your conversation with self?