The Lost Foundation of the Family

Dear Readers, Hope all is well with you. It’s March Women’s herstory month, a time to honor women past, present and future for their sacrifice, voices, and contributions that has made it possible for women to be heard, achieve and to be seen.  

Today’s topic is about Family. People say that family is blood, but  sometimes this is not always the case. Some people argue that the original make up of  the family is a man and woman who come together ❤ and produce children allowing generations to live on. It’s ok to have your opinion about who makes a family. I am concerned about the lost foundation of  the family because  Families that have been divided, broken and destroyed causing us to live in an imbalanced society.  

My siblings and myself  have had the good fortune to be raised at a time when two parent homes were the norm with the support of extended family members. And I  like to add that the ” village we were raised by ” children of my generation had to respect the adults in that village without question. People say that ” family is every ” or ” without family a person has nothing.” If these sayings are true then why are Families struggling to stay together? 

Over the years I’ve often wondered what  happened to the foundation of family? And why are there others who are creating their version of family? Why is one parent households increasing, grandparents raising grandparents children, and children raising children without the support of family. Fathers walking away from family, mother’s pushing husbands out the door; and baby mamas fighting for child support. Broken marriage due to husbands and wives having  one foot inside the home and the foot outside. Families have been destroyed by lies, secrets, grudges, and competition between the haves and have nots.

Mother’s want to be their children’s best friends trying to relive their youth, instead of  nurturing, guiding, protecting their children. Fathers are fascinated with  new rides and spend weekends glued to their wide screen television watching sports, allowing the burden of raising the children to fall on a frustrated mother. This is a recipe for failure and chaos in the home.

Children of this generation are allowed to roam the streets with no curfew. I shake my head and reflect back to how I was raised. People from my generation understood what time it was when the street light came on. Children of this generation talk back to their elders, and engage in physical fights with family members calling the cops because society has given them the power over their guardians.

Shall I go on? 

Family gatherings are not what they used to be because of the rivalry between family members, so somebody isn’t going to receive an invitation. Here is the best one: families who unite at funerals making big speeches vowing to do better and mend the division in the family. We all know that this is just a big show and people are either depressed by the death of a loved one or had one too many drinks at the repass.

I think by now you understand where I am going with this. My intention is to bring awareness about the lost foundation of the family as a social issue because when a family becomes broken it leaves a wound in a society that is already bearing the scars of a population of emotionally wounded people lost and feeling hopeless and disconnected.  

 There you have it, my thoughts on the lost foundation of the family.

Thankyou for stopping by dragthepen

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The Trend of Handballing

Dear Readers,

As many times as it has been said and will be said, Happy New Year! Todays, conversation is not about keeping New Year’s resolutions or encouraging you to make a bucket list. I Think people are more focused on making sense of how to endure this on going pandemic.

Today’s topic is inspired by a sister friend who sent me an article from the New York Post, “What is Handballing”? The newest dating trend for singles, by Josie Griffiths. The term handballing is a dating method used when an individual meets a prospective partner, he or she is very clear, and in some cases aggressively forceful about expectations on how they are willing to pursue a relationship. Ladies I like to speak to concerning this subject because nowadays, women are changing their approach about relationships. The trend that I see is that women are taking steps to establish a foundation of friendship, leading to a relationship and then marriage. Today’s generation of women are clear about not want to be trapped in the cruel cycle of the dating game, messy situationships or entanglements. The article is clear that handballing is the new method that single people are using to avoid wasting time because these individuals are dating with a purpose.

The million-dollar question and concern for women is when is too soon after meeting a person of interest should they handball? After all isn’t the goal of dating with a purpose is to get him interest in you? The answer to that question is no because this is the old way of thinking and pursuing relationships. Handballing isn’t about getting the person to be interested in you,

“handballing” is about digging deep and investigating whether the person is thinking on the same level of emotional maturity, setting standards and boundaries, monogamy, children, no children, marriage, and knowing the importance of compromising fairly. In other words, ladies be up front about the qualities that will be the foundations for developing a lasting relationship. If after having engaged in a hardball question and answer session with your date and he doesn’t call again, oh well, you know what he was after.

I enjoyed the article it is refreshing to know that there is a population of single people who won’t settle and are willing to wait for a suitable partner. To my female readers don’t be afraid to speak up, stop being “ Handballed” by individuals who discourage you by using the myth of the biological clock, or encourage you to take who you can get rather than who is more suitable to your desires. And it is ok to disconnect from dating men who will only want you to “go with the flow and see where things go.” Don’t cheapen yourself by keeping deadbeat men around who will only sweet talk you into being passive and trapped in relationships that don’t fulfill your needs.  Its better to find out where you stand by using “handballing” method than to lower your standards and end up with less than you deserve.

Thank you for reading.

Relationship Experts. True or False

Photo by Git Stephen Gitau on Pexels.com

Have you noticed the new movement of motivational speakers and relationship experts who claim their sole purpose is to help people discover the hidden secrets of how to have a loving and lasting intimate relationships. There are thousands of books and videos posted on soical media by these self proclaimed relationship experts who earn income form speaking engagements, books and relationship workshops all at the expense of broken hearts and lost souls searching for love.

Women are pouring into relationship conferences that charge a fee to hear what they are doing wrong in their relationships, and how to attract the right partner. I’ve been unsuccessful in love, so I began to pay attention to these relationship experts, and invested money in books and workshops. For the most part I found some of the information useful and discovered areas in my life that needed improvement. But, I am not going to shoulder all the blame for not having successful relationships. Why? Because overtime while attending these relationship workshops I began to notice a trend, most experts heaped the blame for failed relationships on women.

The ideology of these experts seems to centered around advising women to be better, raise their standards, don’t date out side their league, stop chasing men, stop making life easy for men, stop having sex, stop wanting marriage, and wait for the man to make the first move. There theory is that It is the duty of women to guard their virginity because men don’t women who’ve been around the block too many times. Men want good girls, you know the saying, ” sugar and spice and everything nice.” While being a nice girl, women should concentrate on securing an education, building a career, and a solid credit score, and finances in preparation for Prince Charming. And when he comes all her aspiration should shift to serving her family and creating a happy home. I say, most of their expert advice is ” B. S.” and sexism.

Most of the dating resources and advice claim that woman are not supposed to change the rules of dating. A womans position is to be meek, humble, submissive, and attentive to her mans needs. Some relationship experts explain that women contribute to the deterioration of a relationship due to them pursuing careers over a relationship, marriage and children. The experts also suggest that most men leave their homes or have outside relationships because their current partner is not meeting their needs.

I won’t bore you with a list of books, YouTube channels, and podcasts focused on educating women in the ways of how to get and keep a man. I don’t want my readers to think that I am discouraging women from seeking advice to help them find a partner or to save a failing relationship. I am suggesting” let the buyer beware” before dooming themselves to a life of being a spinster. Ladies decide for yourself the information that will or will not be helpful because the bottom line is it takes two to tangle.


Photo by Jill Wellington on Pexels.com

Thank you for stopping by dragthepen ❤️

Sisters who date outside their race

Dear Readers,

Sisters inspiring sisters

I knew as soon as I posted on my Facebook page about sisters who date outside their race that I was opening the doors for a wave of negative comments. Let me be clear that I am including all the sisters of the rainbow. I am speaking out because I am tired of sister’s being harassed by a society standing in judgment as to why sisters are “selling themselves out” by seeking men outside of their race.

First, should race be a deciding factor when a women is seeking love, devotion, monogamy, compassion, respect, and equality in a relationship? I say no, however, the naysayers are unwilling to own up to the truth about why sisters are seeking companionship with males who are not ” brothers.” Here is the bottom line strong sisters of substance are fighting against the mindset of the double standard. Sisters are toiling and making sacrifices while suffering under the negative feedback from an unforgiven society constantly bombarding them with messages of being ” barefoot and pregnant”. Another point I would like to clarify when I say women of substance, I am not referring to the media seeking, gold diggers seeking a sugar daddy or who stalk celebrities, professional athletes, and rappers by sexualizing themselves to gain wealth and social status. I am speaking in support of sisters who have a vision for their lives and grinded while staying grounded and live by good moral values to established a foundation for themselves.

Sisters are done with being beaten down with the images and messages of the stereotypical gender roles associated with being female.There are sisters who are Judges, Lawyers, Doctor, Politicians, CEOs, Scientists, Professional Athletes, Entertainers, Business owners, and high ranting Military Official, who are seeking partners of equal status within their own race, however, they are not finding the quality they desire in a mate among brothers. The voices of society encourage sisters to settle and lower their standards and expectations. NewFlash!!! Sisters are no longer willing to settle. So, why not step out and seek men from other cultural background?

People pretend that they don’t hear sisters telling their stories of being weary of the lack of love and respect from brothers. The other side of this story, is when a brothers voice his displeasure about sisters who ruin relationships because they won’t ” submit” he receives valadation. The main reasons why sisters are stepping outside of their race it’s due to the deplorable treatment by brothers. Let the truth be told sisters desire the joys of celebrating black love or love within their own culture. I will be the first to confess that their is nothing better when black love endures. It’s unfortunate that no one is paying attention to the shift that is happening women no longer desire to play the traditional roles and they are excelling in areas of life where women have been held back for years. At the end of the day, women desire that special partner to stand with them and celebrate their success. Sisters are exhausted by brothers who hold them back and drained them with their foolish behavior, lack of maturity, and responsible. Sisters no longer want baby daddies, or men who are undecided about marriage, and unsupportive of putting them out front to follow their vision, sisters are done with wasting time waiting for a brother to get some act right and get his life in order.

I often reflect on how much time, energy, money and emotions I wasted on brothers who treated me as something to do for that moment. But I hold no grudges, at the time I didn’t have a clear direction for my life, so I was just going along with the program. However, when the light bulb went off and I began to understand why I wasn’t successful and happy as I desire to be. I discovered it was the quality of the brothers I was entertaining. They did not see me as the college graduate, writer, speakers, media influencer, but I did. I changed the path of my life and that meant the quality of my intimate relationships had to match the progress of my life. However, when sister’s like me think in this manner we are told that it’s wrong because sisters are abandoning brothers and we are not being true to our race

I would just like to end with this. It was a black man who abandoned me when I was a teenage mother. It was a black man that emotionally and mentally abused me and my only escape was through domestic organizations. It wasn’t a black man who stood in support of me while I was working three part time jobs and earning a college education, they were too busy being self center. And I can go on and on but I think you get the point. I have been single by choice for four years, and I don’t desire to be alone and if a non brother shows interest I am all in.

Thank you for stopping by dragthepen

Fear of the golden years

Dear Readers,

My sister’s birthday 🎉

At what age did you start to fear being alone during ” the golden years?” I took for granted that I would have a life partner to grow old with. I partyed hard in my early 20’s survived an abusive relationship, party hard again in my 30’s while working my way through college. At 40 I was weary of the party scene and dead end relationships. To be honest with you I thought I would remarry and get it right the second time around, nope didn’t happen. After two failed engagements at the age of 52, I stopped dating, having useless sex, got into therapy worked on myself, meaning all the parts of me I knew were broken and need to heal and rest. I got to know the real me and discovered hidden talents.

I am 57, and facing one of my greatest fear, not death, being alone, no partner living everyday alone. I live in New York City with 8 million people and ironically it’s very lonely, and good lasting friendships are difficult to establish and maintain. People are busy bees in New York City, and schedule each other into their daily calendars. I’ve tried online dating horror experience, I don’t go to bars because men are on the hunt to score a lay. It’s draining getting to know a new person only to have the situation not work out and to start again.

People say that living along is exciting and freeing, no one to answer to or to control you. I think people who feel this way are not happy in their present relationships or family life. Yes, there is some truth that people who live alone have more fun. As I advance in age I fear being alone. when I voiced my concerns I’ve heard, you will meet someone when you stop looking, or reprimanded for being too picky. Why should I settle? I am talking about the rest of my life and I want to be happy with my partner. I am ready to travel more and explore new hobbies. This isn’t about me trying to relive my youth looking for the next thrill. I want to feel connected to the people in my community, establish good trusting friendships, but technology has replaced face to face interaction, and to add insult to injury men my age ( 55-60) they desire younger women, not a woman of quality, good values, substance.

I’ve decided to work until I am 63, in the meantime, I am in the process of choosing which of the 10 states that will allow me to build my tiny retirement home. During a conversation with one of my friends he suggest that I should think about relocating before building the house. I am going to deeply consider this option. I noticed that each state I visit the people are connected, they don’t rush, family style eating is at the center of their life, and people who live in small country surroundings show that they care about their neighbors. This is what I need. If I am not going to find a life partner then I wish to be surrounded around a community of people who will take care of me in my golden years.

In the meantime, the virus is making it difficult to go out and join books clubs and gardening communities. I am hoping summer of 2022 I can engage in more face to face activities.

Thank you for stopping by dragthepen. I hope this post will inspire people to reconnect.

Photo by Alexandr Podvalny on Pexels.com

children can’t be children anymore

Dear Readers,

Remember back in the day when streets were safe for children to frolic and play?
The sounds of laughter, jumping rope, playing tag, hopscotch or jacks. The days when children constructed club houses out of large cardboard boxes and built race carts from materials found around their neighborhoods. Friendly winter snow ball fights, rolling around in hills of leaves in the fall, and sitting outside on warm summers nights.

Lemonade stands, hot dogs, baking cookies, family picnics, community softball games, and dance socials. I remember what a childs birthday party was celebrated by an entire community, and block parties were consider the social event of the summer. One of my greatest childhood memories is my father’s love for the beach. During the summer my family split our time between the beach and the country learning about nature and fishing with my dad. I loved and enjoyed the freedom of my childhood.

Fast-forward…..

What has happened to the rite of passage of childhood, the innocence of their smiles and the heart felt joy of childish giggles? Today’s generation is asked to mature too fast they are rushed to take on the tasks and role of an adult when they are not emotionally ready to make adult descions?

I see children’s daily schedules jammed with activities and I wonder if these over active children have time to just be a kid? My heart goes out to the children who are trapped between over achieving parents, who set expectations beyond their childs abilities.Tiger Moms pushing their daughter’s into beauty pageants in hopes of their princess becoming the next Ms. America. Fathers priming their sons to become sports jocks teaching them that real men are fearless, in control if their emotions and aggressive. All it takes is a scroll through social media to see teenage girls pimped out and fluffed up to look like fully mature women. Young men sagging pants, tattoos, sporting a hard core thug appearance. Society is overrun with underage single mothers and fathers trying to imitate playing house.

The new play ground is hanging out at the Mall, young people living their lives attached to phones, ipads and soical media, their immediate concern is having the lastest name brand clothes, electronics, and hanging out with family is corny and boring. Television show marketed to children are becoming increasingly violent and sexual even the Disney Channel has gone rogue. This generations values and morals are different and planning for the future is something that old people do.

I could go on and on but I think at this point you get the message.

Thank you for stopping by dragthepen ❤️

It Made a Difference

This weekend while keeping watch on hurricane Henri, I had the pleasure of staying with my bestfriend and his mother for three days.We cooked, played music and card games, watched movies and took random naps.

I’ve lived alone for twenty-four years, and enjoy my peace, space, alone time, and having my own bathroom. Living with people has been a difficult experience either I find others to be noisy, sloppy, and they have too many guest over. When I was dating I felt uncomfortable when my boo asked to sleep over. I couldn’t wait for him to leave to change the sheets, clean the bathroom, open the windows letting fresh air in, thus returning the house back to it’s normal state.

On occasions I don’t mind cooking and inviting family and friends over. The truth is I thought that I had adjusted to being alone because it made life easier. Lately, I’ve been feeling the need for companionship, and decided to look into adopting a small dog. In the meantime, here’s what I’ve learned from my three day stay at my BFF’ house.

I think It’s time to find someone compatible to live with, I don’t believe in the theory that opposites attract. I don’t desire to live alone into my golden years, because being alone into old age means no one to share meals with or talk about our day, share dreams and accomplish goals together. There is no laugher, hugs, shared chores, or someone to hurry home to.

To achieve my goal of filling my house with the joys of happily ever after; I first have to overcome my fear of dating.The burden of my past trumatic relationships that hinders me from getting back into the dating game. Some men want to move too fast or they’re looking for intimacy without a desire for a long term committed relationship.

My three day stay reminded me of how happy, loving and warm a home can be when the rights souls occupy it.