Healing in the Presence of Peace

Dear Readers,

I didn’t want to be alone so I spent years in dysfunction relationships and situationships because I was afraid that being without a man meant that something is wrong with me. As a result, I accepted degrading treatment from relationships and friendships that only brought pain and suffering. For most of my life I felt I wasn’t good enough, so I tried to fix what I was told was wrong with me. The more effort I put into changing to please others they continued to point out my flaws. The first time my therapist asked me ” what did I want” I didn’t know how to answer. The truth be told my life was a sum of feeling unloved, disconnected, and beaten down from being a people pleaser. I spent years allowing the whisperers of loneliness and the judgment of others to drive me into situations that burden my life deeper into emotionally, mentally and physically depletion….until the day came when I had nothing to give.

Fast forward….. I took Action

It’s been a four years journey of understanding why I remained locked in a patterns of self sabotage and unloving intimate relationships, friendships, and attached to Self- centered family members. Regardless how painful it was I had to deconnect from dysfunctional situations in order to connect to self. When an individuals like myself decides that enough is enough and being sick and tired isn’t helping this is a defining moments of discovering the truth of who is for or against you.

During my isolation I discovered how to hear and trust my own voice. I learned that I deserved to live in a home where I don’t have to walk around on egg shells, and adjust to other people’s moods. Being a people pleaser only makes me weak, a doormat, and disconnected me from being my authentic self. I am learning to be patient and to trust the process of peace, healing and being in the presence of my company. I know that not having an inmate relationship isn’t a punishment, but time to love on me. I understand that’s having a hand full of faithful friends is better than being lost in a crowd of fake friends.

I’ve discovered that I am capable of more than anyone thought I could accomplish. During my isolation and deleting negative people from my presence cleared the way for building a better networking system that works for me. One of the best part of healing in the presence of peace is how valuable I treat my body. In other words, I no longer offer my body up as a sacrifice in exchange for happiness that won’t come. I immerse myself in self care because of what I asked of myself mentally and emotionally, not because I am running from the burdens of the baggage others dump on me.

My life use to be the sum of mostly negative choices, but today I know that it’s never too late to learn, heal, and start fresh. I don’t know who needed to hear this, but to the individuals who are listening and my experience speaks to you, I say, seek your healing in the presence of peace.

Thank you for stopping by dragthepen ❤️

Today is the Day. The Chase is Over.

Dear Readers, 

It all came down to today. This is the day. The chase is over. I am 56 years old and I have finally reached the moment of full clarity, peace and the healing process is getting better and better. The feelings of heaviness, fear, anger, and resentment these emotions and voices will no longer have the power to burden me and whisper to me that I am not worth it. My healing process began in 1992 and at the time I thought that it would take me about a year to heal from the damage of my childhood, an abusive marriage, and what I didn’t know was from years of more abusive relationships that included the intimate relationships and family and friends. Let me tell you this  when you find yourself on the path to healing from emotional, sexual and physical brokenness don’t expect the people closest to you to be supportive, in some cases they are the people who will become obstacles on your journey, and you will have to make the choice to leave them behind with the rest of the wreckage. 

Today is the day that I can release years of pain, suffering, anger, and the struggles of chasing after the unknown. Today is the day I understand that what kept me prisoner was how I was thinking, and becoming a slave to the idea that my life was worthless because I haven’t become the success of the American dream. I don’t own a house, a car, and I don’t make a six figure salary. I berated myself mentally for not getting it right and for having to start over and over. When I think back on how many years that I didn’t feel loved , but search for love and the whole time I didn’t love me because I thought that it was the duty of others to love me, and my anger grew when I didn’t receive love. I  used sex as a means to feel. I was dead inside, but I thought sex would make me feel something, The only result of this behavior was more emptiness and being used as an object of pleasure, and not being cherished as a whole being. 

Today, Friday, July 24, 2020 as I sit in my bedroom with tears flowing, pouring out all the suffering, pain, uncertainty, and years of dying over and over and reliving the same tragedy over and over, I was numb and bitter. I was a slave to depression, eating orders and carrying around the  negative labels that others heaped on me because I believed them. I am not ashamed to say that I never fully experienced a mother’s love, but I am no longer going to allow that to drag me down.  On July 20, 2020, we celebrated my mother’s 76th birthday and I am enjoying the relationship we presently have.  I am no longer struggling, no let me rephrase that I am no longer choosing to struggle or to see life as a struggle. There are challenges, but I don’t choose to see them as a problem or a negative experience.  

I am thankful for all the intimate relationships that did not work out because they were not the ones for me and each one taught me a lesson. I am thankful for all the friends that left me when I was at my darkest moment because these people enlighten  me how to carefully invest in true friendship. I am thankful for this time of being alone in my own space because it has prepared me to understand who I am and to never allow loneliness to rear its ugly head to force me into the fear of running into another dysfunctional relationship so that I would be distracted from continuing on my journey of healing. I am thankful for being sheltered in place, although the world continues to be in chaos I have used this time to center myself in a state of peace. I am thankful for being able to work from home. I am thankful for the gifts and talents I have discovered that keep me free from  thinking that I will spend the rest of my life a slave to punching a time clock.  I am thankful for the friends and family who stuck with me through all of my drama. I am thankful for my blogging community. 

Today is the day that I released that I have a wealth of experiences to share by publishing my books on amazon. I am thankful for the creations of Conversations with J.R. Floyd, that gives me a public voice on all major social media platforms to help others to heal.  It’s been a bumpy and  dark, but amazing journey and I know that life is better because I am making it better. 

Who am I? I am J. R. Floyd , Inspirational Coach, Author, Singer, and Educator, currently works as a College Writing Consultant. A winner of the Jacob A. Weiser play-writing award for her work The Conversation. She was a freelance writer for Street News, and appeared in the gospel play Oh Lord: Why Did I get Married?She is a member of the BMCC Downtown Chorus. Performed at Carnegie Hall in the Manhattan Concert Productions: Let you Voice Be Heard, 2019. Author of The Waiting Game, A Different Flavor of Love & 90 Days of Reflection, Discovery, & Renewal.  

Thank you for stopping by dragthepen.

The Pain Is Real: the longest 8 minutes

Dear Readers,

I had to do it.  30 days ago, I took a deep breath, closed my eyes, down my pen, turned off the computer and walked away. I needed a mental break. It was necessary to put space between me and the chaos of the constant Corona virus news and the racial tension that is causing a bitter divide. It became too much for me to take in. For four months the world has been sheltered in place, and we were battling fear, anger, frustration, uncertainty, and confusion. I felt guilty because during this time of upheaval, I was successful in creating a mental and physical bubble to protect myself  from becoming sucked in by the sensation of the news media and the grappling of the political leaders.

In the midst of financial ruins, I am blessed to enjoy my same level of income and additional earnings from private tutoring.  I used my time wisely and began to concentrate on personal projects. It’s unfortunate that it took a pandemic for me to realize how much I needed a break from the running on my hammers treadmill. I am not ashamed to admit I am thankful for the break from my ” normal”, these four months have allowed me the time to understand that I need a change from ” normal”,  and that there are areas of my life that need to be explored. After four months of cleaning, reorganizing, building up my brand Conversations with J. R. Floyd, yoga, meditation, reading books on self improvement, updating my resume, and with the announcement of all the phrases of New York City restarting the economy, I Declared myself ready for change.

And then it happened….

The killing of George Floyd. I ignored the news and refused to answer the phone. I didn’t want to engage in conversations about race. I wanted to stay in my bubble of peace and progress. Then I woke up one morning to a message from my son, pleading with me to use my platform ” Conversations with J. R. Floyd’, “ to speak to the hearts of people about the brutal treatment of black men and women. I wanted to stay silent, but my son, my only child, a black man, father, husband, and raising a young black man pulled at the strings of my heart, a mother’s heart…  his plea sounding like George Floyd’s calling for his mother with his last dying breath. I got up from my bed, showered, made coffee, put myself together and sat down to go live on Facebook , Instagram, and my podcast on Anchor. I addressed the public….then I clicked off.

my son and his first born

The riots, looting, burning of business, arrests, anger, tears, and hatred was more than I was prepared to deal with. I didn’t want to be one of those people who took a normancy mindset, the complacent attitude of accepting the killing of a black man as just another thing that happens in a world that isn’t moved by seeing a man being murdered. 

my family

So, for 30 days I detached from social media, the news, and did not engage in any conversations about race or death. For four months the world has been watching the numbers of deaths increase due to the virus, yet, the only concern is getting back to “normal”.  Where have people been?  There is no more normal. This recent upheaval about the brutal treatment of black men and women, is another virus that’s going to continue to eat away at race relationships until there is CHANGE. There are some people wanting to get back to their normal, wishing that this issue of race will fade away; their thinking is that issues of race don’t include them until it hits close to home. I am thankful that at least this time the entire world is marching and standing firm on the belief that all lives matter, including Black Lives. It took 8 minutes and 56 seconds for George Floyd to die. What is it going to take for all the millions of blogger to band together with one voice to support the one race the human race. 

The pain is real. Thank you for stopping by Drathepen.

 

 

The Day Will Come

 

Hello, hello, hello, dear readers happy reflection day.

On March 10, myself and thousands of Cuny and Suny employees were told not to report to work. We were put on alert that the entire teaching system will be converted to remote learning. We were given three days to  make the adjustment. During this transition period it was discovered that a large number of students did not have a home computer or the internet.Then bars, restaurants, hair and nail salons closed. Coffee shops, cafes, and any place that people gathered that created a crowd closed. Then we were ordered to shelter at home. I am an introvert, so being confined has not created a mental hardship for me. Because of this crisis people are realizing that we are not conditioned to be isolated, and this situation has created a devastating emotional effect on people. 

To date it’s been 6 or 7 weeks since we’ve been sheltered in place. In an effort to encourage people I’ve appeared each Monday live to discuss several topics that I hoped would give people hope and courage to work through this crisis.  

Week 1: I encourage people to come together in unity,  unity means strength.

Week 2: Reflect on W. I. N..what’s important now

Week 3: How to create and experience peace during a crisis

Week 4: Self- care the importance of taking care of self and family during a crisis

Week 5: How to use this time to create or recreate a new life plan

Week 6: Getting prepared for change. Wanting to go back to normal. Time to move forward

On Monday May 4. I will make my last live appearance on Facebook. On that day I will acknowledge the struggles people are facing the anxiety, uncertainty, and the battles people are facing in their homes, due to the mental and emotional damage this crisis had caused. People are concerned about their future and no one can give them solid answers.  I tried to warn people about the harm they are causing themselves by constantly talking about corona-virus and watching the news. I personally keep a distance from any news or people who are obsessed with having conversations about going back to normal. 

Today, I am here to pray with you, and for you. Yes, prayer. I am not asking people to believe in God. I am simply going to pray. On May 15, it will make 60 days ( 3 months ) since we have been asked to shelter in place. The plan in New York City is to open some business and wait two weeks to observe if the number of corona-virus cases increases or stays the same. Depending on the results the government will proceed to open more business in two week increments. There are a large number of people who are in a rush to get back to normal. I wonder if people are living in denial.

The world has changed and it will continue to change. Many of our favorite places may not reopen. Schools will remain closed until September 2020. No summer youth programs that create jobs for many young people who need them. Some people may not be able to return to their former places of employment. Summer might be cancelled. Meaning, no public concerts, closed beaches, and limitation on the use of public parks. On a personal note, I will continue to shelter in place teaching at home, my 45 minutes daily walks. I shop for food once a week, and work two days a week in a group home as a resident counselor. I have learned to be patient through this process finding ways to be creative. Unlike others I am in no hurry to race back out into society. No, I am not going to live in fear, just going to proceed with caution. My suggestion to others If you need to go out proceed with caution. We still don’t know  the who, what, when or where? There are so many conspiracy theories, and other peoples opinions on what they think is right.  I understand that the economy needs to be rebooted. The ease of social distancing doesn’t mean that all is well.

We may never know when all will be well. 

Thank you for stopping by Dragthepen.

 

Join me on Facebook ( Rahshemah Floyd/J. R. Floyd) https://www.facebook.com/rahshemahf

 

Peace in the Eye of the Storm

 

Thank you for stopping by dragthepen. I hope you find PEACE.

Let Love & Unity flow Forever

 

 

 

Dear Readers, 

 

Please forgive me. I do not  mean to rain on an already soggy parade, but I’ve been thinking about the last 20 or so days that we have been quarantined. I’ve been keeping track of all the acts of kindness that people are performing. I am not questioning the motive behind the good deeds, but why it takes a tragedy or a pandemic to bring people and resources together. Another pattern that I noticed overtime is after the tragedy fades and this pandemic will come to an end no matter how long it takes, people tend to fall back into living life as they had previously. I contemplate writing about this horrible virus that’s sweeping across this world faster than the speed of light. The Coronavirus has put the world at a stand still and has caused us to live  day to day in uncertainty. People are still trying to shake the disbelief that this is happening and fear that the world may never return to what we once knew or will it? Our “ Normal” has been changed and now we get to see what we are really made of and reflect on what’s important now. 

 

I see people crossing the race line and the consensus is that this virus doesn’t fight fair so we are all in danger of being exposed regardless of color, economic status, or address.  We are all trying to stay one step ahead of this time bomb. I see states and cities pulling together to feed the hungry, and even though we can’t give hugs people are finding ways to extend a helping hand to ease the fear that is evident in the eyes of people who are wondering what’s next? I have a friend who started a Go Fund Me page to raise many for an immigrant neighborhood. Andre Lloyd Weber is making available two of his Broadway shows online for free. Actors are reading bedtime stories to children, dancers and singers are posting performances on Social media. I saw a three man band in the middle of the street in Idaho performing. The residence came out and danced on their porches and front lawns and for a moment there was pure joy during a time of death, devastation and uncertainty. In Spain a trainer takes to the rooftop to encourage people to exercise and, in Italy people took to singing to show solidarity. A few days ago in New York City some of the fire houses took to the streets and lined up in front of hospitals to sound their horns in thanks and celebration for the healthcare who are at the front line of this battle to beat this demon that is threatening to claim more lives.

 

This crisis has caused people to do what they have been wanting to do, spend time at home with family, and slow down. But when I see the negative comments on social media about being home with family, I wonder if people really mean what they are saying? Families are now forced to talk, create, recreate, learn how to make peace, make time to teach children new values, to bond, share, and maybe for some couples time to rediscover intimacy. We are living without the mega malls, sitting in traffic, date night, and neglecting family to work extra hours. People are not grinding, rushing and stuffing themselves with fast food due to overbooked schedules. This is the first time since 911, that the entire world has felt collectively the same fear, panic, confusion, anger, outrage, shock, and disbelief. We live in the same world striving for the same goals “ the pursuit of happiness”. This crisis has shown us that all life matters and by pulling together we are capable of conquering the meanest beast. My hope is that after the period of mourning is over because the loss of lives is great, and people will have a long journey to overcome the emotional, mental and financial challenges. Let’s  not go back to normal. My desire is that we keep the LOVE and UNITY flowing forever. 

 

 

What’s Important Now

Dear bloggers,  it’s been about one week since New York City has been slowly shutting down due to the Corona-virus. No matter what state you live in, today, I want to encourage you to remember this too shall pass. I invite you to think about the word WIN, What’s Important Now. Right where you are, think about what’s important now. Since this lock down has been set in place, people have been in a hurry to get back to “ normal” .  I hear people talk about feelings of fear, panic, chaos, depression, anger and confusion considering the circumstances these are all legitimate emotions. 

 

Question, how are you fueling these emotions? Are you a news hoarder?  It’s okay to check in for an update, but it is your Television, Cell phone, I pad, and Radio on 24 hours, so that your mind  is being bombarded with News. Yes, the fear about money, bills, rent, mortgage, car payments and so on are real. How is worry and panic going to solve your troubles? Try to avoid adding more stress and tension in your home during this period of being shut in. 

 

I suggest you try to focus on What’s Important Now. 

 

Focus on remaining as calm as you can. It’s important to maintain structure, make plans for how you’re going to spend the days, weeks maybe months. It’s okay to go out as a family for walks, exercise is important to maintain strength, eat well, avoid loading up on junk foods. Keep a regular sleep schedule. Use this time for self reflection individually and as a family. Maybe now is the time to create a new future for your family, or are you willing to go back to life as you call “ normal” . This crisis will change us as people and as a nation.  Are you going to come out of this crisis with a greater appreciation for family, God, your house of worship, place of employment, health, and home. Or better awareness about What’s Important Now? Will your bond with the people who matter most  be stronger? 

 

 I am thankful that I have a roommate and I am not alone. I am thankful to be able to work from home, and earn a paycheck.  I am thankful for my live Facebook chats to share words of empowerment. I am grateful I can talk to a community of bloggers. I have my life, my health, my family and friends are protected. This is What’s Important Now. 

 

My thoughts and prayers, are with the world.

 

A new number doesn’t mean change

Dear Readers,

So, the count down to the New Year ( 2020) has begun and many people are feeling the anxiety of an approaching new year. You are not alone in your HOPES that maybe a ” New Year” will being more joy, happiness, adventure, and less drama. There is absolutely noting wrong with HOPING, but if our not putting the effort, time, energy, work, and developing a plan of how your going to make the change you desire. Are you aware of why you haven’t had a better quality of life?

Before the ending of 2019, have you sat down in deep contemplation about the obstacles, mental and emotional baggage that you continue to carry into each ” New Year”, yet you keep HOPING. A new number or a new year isn’t going to change any of the situations in your life unless you change. Don’t expect the people or situation around you to change if your not willing to get clear and understand that you can’t continue behaving in the same manner expecting new results.

If you continue to walk the same path than this means you have become stagnate and complacency has set in. So, just using lip services of wishing for change isn’t going to bring about the beauty of a new life. If your living in FEAR of the unknown then letting go of the old in exchange for the new isn’t for you.

Here is a question to ask yourself, How bad do you want or need change? Look around do you like what you see?

How many times are you going to confuse secretly to yourself, ” I am so tried of this?”  Whatever your ” This ” is  making unless New Years Resolutions will help to bring change if you don’t take control of your life. The conversation needs to take place with yourself. I had a dear friend and co worker, who recently celebrated her 56th birthday by taking a cruise, she passed away on that cruise, and the lost was shocking to all of us who knew her.  The point is she made everyday that she lived count. She’s been taking two cruises a year since 2008, This was her way of seeing the words and experiencing the joy, excitement and adventure of  life.

This is your life, your the writer of the script and you can change, edit, revise as much as you want to until you have what you can called ” Your Best Life”. nothing is perfect and it never will be, but haven’t you waited long enough?

The wait is over the choice is yours.

HAPPY 2020 from DRAGTHEPEN

Encouragement from the Mad Dater

Hello Readers and Fellow Bloggers, this is a throw back from the past when I was exploring the world of dating through the voice of the Mad Dater. I went on a quest to find my one true love. I took advice from friends and joined two dating websites, I attended many speed dating events, in additions to going to all the places and that I enjoy like, museums, bookstores, jazz lounges, libraries, theatres to find someone who has similar interest. Needless to say, l I ended up with horrible men online who wanted sex, spending money going out alone and  sheading tears that I would end life being the lonely cat lady.

Flash from the past……

Its been 18 days since I started my journey as the Mad Dater to find love. Today, I thought that I should take a break from  my usual rantings and post something light and sweet. After all I know that I am not  alone in my quest for a best friend, confidant, partner in crime and soul mate.  These words speak to the heart and offer great suggestion when search for a life partner. I hope you enjoy them as much as I did.

As posted on Facebook:

Marry your best friend. I do not say that lightly. Really, truly find the strongest, happiest friendship in the person you fall in love with. Someone who speaks highly of you. Someone you can laugh with. The kind of laughs that make your belly ache, and your nose snort. The embarrassing earnest, healing kind of laughs. Wit is important. Life is too short  not too love someone who lets you be a fool with them. Make sure they are somebody who lets you cry. Despair will come. Find someone who you want to be there with you through those times. Most importantly, marry the one that make passion, love and madness combine and course through you. A love that will never dilute-even when the waters get deep,and dark.-ilovemylsi.com

What say you?

Positivity

Dear Readers,

Today’s mind-set of materialism the value of appreciation is meaningless. Instead, as an alternative the presence of brokenness, fear and dismay has replaced the artistry of trust, harmony and grace. ” All We Need Is Love” the Beatles

What say You?