The Rotting Soul

Dear Readers, 

Your past pain is an enemy, and when people say that they are suffering from a broken heart, I say, it is their spirit, soul and will that’s been broken and betrayed. My story is that  I spent years soaking in the pain of my past. I waited in anger for the people who hurt me to come back to me and acknowledge the physically, emotionally and mentally pain they caused me, I wanted my pain to be validated, so I proudly displayed my banner publicly announcing that I was a VICTIM, who have been mistreated, abused, neglected and I was wounded. I used my pain as an  excuse for my anger, hatred and bitterness. I lived my life  putting up walls, hurting others, and lashing out towards anyone who would not acknowledge my pain. My heart was cold, closed and hardened. I was blinded by misinformation, mixed messages, and confused emotions. While I was quickly disintegrating into my self imposed HELL. during this period of my life it never occurred to me to stop and reflect on the fact that I did not have the experience to detect and discern when people have bad intentions. 

 

I was not taught self-worth and self-respect meant, so my level of thinking was that of a naive child that is very trusting because children  don’t know evil, malice, and wrong doing until it is introduced to them. Another factor that led to me basking in my position as a VICTIM, I surrounded myself with people who supported my moaning and groaning of how I’ve been wronged. I lived in this pit of darkness from 1996-2006 just to give you an idea of how long I wallowed in my grief.  

How I began the long, long road to healing was people stopped listening to me rant. One by one person was dropping out of my life, and this increased my anger because the people who I thought understood my pain were busy on their path to healing. I didn’t want to heal, to me healing meant forgiving the people who hurt me. In my mind forgiveness means that they were off the hook, and they won’t be punished for the crimes committed against me. Over time  I slowly began to realize that the only person that I was hindering and harming was me. I was stuck mentally and emotionally, I wasn’t living. I arrived at the point that I wanted the self imposed drama to end. I had worked diligently to immerse myself deep into my misery, and little did I know I would have to put forth tireless effort to learn  how to process my pain in a positive manner. I utilize many support services secular and spiritual, I am not ashamed to say I spent 8 years in therapy learning to love and value myself. This eight year process included one year of art therapy, anger management, and one year of group and individual therapy.  

My journey towards healing and reclaiming my life lead me back to a painful childhood, the horrible events of adolescence that lead to poor choices as an adult. I learned that something  good was going to come from my pain. Looking back I had no idea that this healing process would profoundly change my life. I was molded into a completely new person. Through all the therapy sessions, tears, rage, unveiling and reliving the events of my past, it was worth the pages and pages of journals, and the times I dropped to my needs hunched over in pain purging myself of the anger that I allowed to ROT my soul, kill my spirit,  darken my heart, and block my blessings.  

From those years pain and healing I brought forth two novels about my journey walking towards a better life. I learned how to trust people, to have an open mind, and guard my naive heart. I developed into a mentor, motivational coach, writer and creator of the blog Dragthepen and the YouTube channel Conversations with J. R. Floyd. The more I share my story, counsel and coach others the better I become at listening with a non judgmental ear. I learned how to recognize true friendship, and what it means to be supportive, compassionate, and to show acts of kindness to others who have been broken.  It doesn’t matter the cause of your pain or past trauma, seeking help does not allow the past to lead you down a dark road of destruction of anger and loneliness. 

Thank you for stopping by Dragthepen.

Word Wall

Dear readers, I beg a moment of your time.

As I proceed through each day I have become observant of people’s behavior; and conclude that we are communicating less and less.Below is a list of words that is becoming extinct.

love, forgiveness, appreciate, respect, support, encouragement, dedication, responsibility, accountability, belonging, sharing, caring, concern, compassion, passion, truth, honesty, trust, willingness, openness, unity, consideration, hope, peace, joy and balance.

I love the people who forgive me and I appreciate their respect, encouragement, and support. I hold myself responsible, and accountable for my actions and dedicate myself to sharing my concerns with the people who give me  a sense of belonging. When I fail in my duty to show compassion towards my fellow-man; the least  I can do is to be truthful in my willingness to be open and express honesty for and lack of consideration.

I hope that peace, joy and balance can  be restored to a world that lacks UNITY.

What Say You?

Keeping it Real, a rant from the Mad Dater

Greetings from the mad Dater,

 

When a man says, ” I’m sorry”  is he referring to the word Sorry the adjective, that means feeling distressed especially, at someone else misfortune?

1056803

Many years ago, when I was married, my spouse expressed that he was Sorry for behavior towards me that wasn’t appropriate; yet, he made no efforts to change. He’s say Sorry for using impolite language in the house, Sorry for being late for the hundredth time, and Sorry for not keeping an agreement we’ve made.

Over the years hearing Sorry from him became something else for me. When he’d say, ” sorry” What he was  saying was, I am a careless and selfish person. I do not put any effort into thinking about how my actions, behavior, disrespect and rudeness affect you.  In his mind, as long as he continued to say, ” I’m sorry” I would forgive him.

Well…I’m not sorry I left that marriage.

What I’ve learned through trail and error is this,  I will not accept Sorry from a man as away to excuse  his bad behavior. Instead, I ask for and sometimes demand an explanation for his mindless lack of consideration.

What Say You?

Word Wall

Dear readers, I beg a moment of your time.

As I proceed through each day I have become observant of people’s behavior; and conclude that we are communicating less and less.Below is a list of words that is becoming extinct.

love, forgiveness, appreciate, respect, support, encouragement, dedication, responsibility, accountability, belonging, sharing, caring, concern, compassion, passion, truth, honesty, trust, willingness, openness, unity, consideration, hope, peace, joy and balance.

I love the people who forgive me and I appreciate their respect, encouragement, and support. I hold myself responsible, and accountable for my actions and dedicate myself to sharing my concerns with the people who give me  a sense of belonging. When I fail in my duty to show compassion towards my fellow-man; the least  I can do is to be truthful in my willingness to be open and express honesty for and lack of consideration.

I hope that peace, joy and balance can  be restored to a world that lacks UNITY.

What Say You?

Keeping it Real, a rant from the Mad Dater

Greetings from the mad Dater,

 

When a man says, ” I’m sorry”  is he referring to the word Sorry the adjective, that means feeling distressed especially, at someone else misfortune?

1056803

Many years ago, when I was married, my spouse expressed that he was Sorry for behavior towards me that wasn’t appropriate; yet, he made no efforts to change. He’s say Sorry for using impolite language in the house, Sorry for being late for the hundredth time, and Sorry for not keeping an agreement we’ve made.

Over the years hearing Sorry from him became something else for me. When he’d say, ” sorry” What he was  saying was, I am a careless and selfish person. I do not put any effort into thinking about how my actions, behavior, disrespect and rudeness affect you.  In his mind, as long as he continued to say, ” I’m sorry” I would forgive him.

Well…I’m not sorry I left that marriage.

What I’ve learned through trail and error is this,  I will not accept Sorry from a man as away to excuse  his bad behavior. Instead, I ask for and sometimes demand an explanation for his mindless lack of consideration.

What Say You?