I Don’t Miss The Chaos

Dear Readers,

People often say, ” it’s the little things that matter.” I say the little things become the best parts of our lives. I often write about how grateful I am to experience living in peace, and for some people experiencing peace might not be such a big deal. On the contrary, for me reaching a level of clarity and understanding of how drama from outside and inside my home contributed to me sinking into depression is a very big discovery. As long as I have known myself, my life have been one long tragedy, and I didn’t know how or when I was going to get off the wild roller coaster of one traumatic experience after another. It seemed like I was a magnet for chaos. But I digress, today’s post isn’t about the emotional damage of depression, but how I’ve achieved inner peace, maintain a healthy emotional and mental balance, and why I am determined to protect the peace in my life.

I use to mistake the peace in my home as loinliness and a punishment for not settling for abusive and unhappy. relationships. I thought that the peace in my home was the costly price I’ve paid for choosing my emotional healing. I took for granted that the peace in my home was a means of me being selfish because I didn’t want others, especially a man to intrude, so I shut my doors keeping them out.

Some people think of me as being odd, an introvert, difficult to get along with, secretive, strange, and some say sneaky. I make no apologies I’ve changed, no I have been transformed, and I can’t run with the same pack anymore. In the presence of peace my creative mind is free of chatter and distractions of other people’s needs. In the moments of peace I soak in the presence of my own company, kicking up my feet and enjoying the sound of my own laugher because there is no one around to tell me that I am too loud.

My peace means freedom from the burdens of being criticize for being too much or not enough. My freedom means that I can choose to be or not to be. My peace is healing making me stronger, self reliance, and in my strength I am capable of achieving my goals, and to create the life I deserve without the burden of him or them reminding me of my limitations or should I say the limitations that others were placing on me. I respect and own my peace and freedom because I know the burden of living and only knowing chaos and dysfunctional environments. At my worse I know that there was another way to live, but I didn’t know how to get to the other side.

I write and share about my experiences because I know that there are others out there who are struggling to find peace in their homes and in their lives. There are people who claim to have it all, the home, career, money and the perfect relationship, but that’s only what we see on the outside. I personally know people who are glad for soical media to use as a means to fake and escape their unhappiness. I can’t tell you the countless times people have said to me, ” they wish for a little peace and alone time” or that ” they should have made better choices” and the big one,
” if they could turn back the hands of time they would live life differently.” Today, I am overjoyed that I am not one of those people, and l and don’t take for granted that I have the chance to live a better quality of life.

In the presence of my peace, I take my time making well throughout decisions. I don’t open the door inviting everyone into my life because I think that they are good people. My home is not just walls and floors it’s sacrificed. Everything in my home has meaning the colors, smells, the food I cook, and even the manner I clean my home represents me on the inside and outside, and all the people who I chose to enter my home will be a representative of my peace.

To be honest I never thought that I would see the day when I would be in a position of peace. And from where I sit it’s a beautiful place to be.

Thank you for stopping by dragthepen.

Photo by Ekaterina Belinskaya on Pexels.com

Is today the day?

Dear Readers,

Have you ever asked yourself, ” is today the day?” until my recent adventure driving cross country, I’ve never pondered this question. While on the road I was caught up in site seeing and overwhelmed by the beauty of the land. I didn’t have time to think about my misspend youth, tramadic relationships, or the next step in my healing process. I didn’t take any self help books, nor did I journal about my past emotional trauma. When I returned home my thoughts drafted towards ways to carve out more vacation time, and weekend get aways, how to make changes to my work schedule, and cut back on others projects.

I don’t have problems with the healing process, what I take issues with is this no one told me when the process would be over. I’ve been engrossed in finding answers, asking why, and stewing in anger and resentment towards the people involved in the trauma of my past. I’ve waited for years for a Tah – Dah the announcement or approval that it is safe for me to begin living, trusting, believing, to meet new people, and to discover a sincere emotionally balanced intimate connection with a partner I feel safe with, instead of being neglected and abused.

During my time on the road I experiencied true freedom. I didn’t feel the weight from the pain of my past, my adventure cross country showed me how long I’ve been under the strain of the darkness of depression and fear that I forgot how to walk in the life of joy, happiness, peace, adventure, to develop loyal friendships, and reconnect with family. I thought the safe thing to do was to shut myself off and build up walls. I voted never again. My negative thinking dragged me deeper into a pit of dispire.

This is the day, year, and time for me to stop hiding behind the fear of making mistakes. This is the day to silence the angry voices that I have allowed to hold me back. Today, is the day that I trust myself to live and walk forward with caution.

Is today your day to be free?

Thank you for stopping by dragthepen ❤️

The Joys of Freewill

Dear Readers, 

While I was out on my 1 hour pandemic walk, something I’ve been doing since being ordered to shelter in place. Although my gym is open I’m afraid to go back, so I created a daily workout routine indoor and my outdoor activities consist of walking the outside perimeter of the football field near my house.

 I was listening to Miles Davis and my mind wondered about the life of prisoners and the limitations they struggle with. I know that there is no comparison to the limitations placed on our lives due to the coronavirus, and the striction placed on a prisoner due to crimes committed against society.  

I began to think about what it feels like to lose privileges and freedom of choice, to be able to  make decisions based on what we feel we need or want. For now our so called normal has been turned upside down, we have to put great thought into who we are around, where we can and can’t go, but we still enjoy some freedoms, as we sit, hope, and wait for the day when we can exist in something that resembles what we use to know as normal. 

 In the case of some prisoners they have no hope of life returning to normal. Once branded a criminal, this label sticks. When a person who has been incarcerated serves their time and is released back into society they have conditions placed on their lives that seem impossible to overcome.They have to check in with a probation officer, can’t live in public housing, is denied  the opportunity to apply for government assistance, difficulty finding employment, and they no longer have the right to vote. All the rights and privileges endowed to all individuals. To add insult to injury their criminal record follows them for the rest of their life.  

I said that to say this, all the privileges that we might moan and groan about missing during this pandemic like, dining out, broadway shows, sporting events, going to the gym, and meeting friends for cocktails or coffee. Although at this time we have to be careful, we can still exercise  making choices by free will. Oftentimes when an event like a pandemic occurs we are often reminded that what we think we are missing or can’t live without, we should be thankful for what we do have and for the freedom of choice.

America Feels Great Again!!!!

Hello, Dear Readers, welcome to Drathepens’ last post for 2020. We are fast approaching the holiday season, and the much anticipated end of 2020. First, thanks to everyone who has supported me either by purchasing one of my books, subscribing to my YouTube channel, or tuning into my live Facebook discussions. I am ending this year with positive thoughts. Yes, I feel that there is something that has been gained and learned from all the chaos of 2020. People are pushing forward in hope that 2021 will bring back some normality. I encourage you to move forward, and think about what you have learned from life in 2020

Think about all that you have survived and thought that you weren’t able to live a life being sheltered in place, but you did. This holiday season is especially meaningful, as a nation we have been through enormous  turmoil, so we need more than ever the traditional feelings of the warmth, belonging, love and togetherness that represents a time of slowing down and being festive. This holiday season is going to be different, we should  continue to be safe, and mindful of the people who are less fortunate, make a few extra plates and deliver them to people in your community. Don’t throw away leftovers, instead, put them in take out plates and go out and feed the homeless. 

What is this season going to mean to you? Is it about fighting for black friday deals, over on gifts when you should be thinking about saving for the uncertainty of the future? Tis the season to have more sit down meals using the connection of technology. I know that I am grateful for all the zoom happy hours and zoom check-ins.  

Before I go I like to address the celebration of President Elect Joe Biden & VP Elect Harris. To the naysayers and the religious holy rollers lay off the people who choose to celebrate. This nation has been in darkness for 4 years and 2020 delivered us a few devastating blows. Where is your conscience, sympathy, and compassion. Have you been paying attention? The people understand that we can live together in peace and harmony than in hate and division. This country is united again by the power of voting. The naysayers and the holy rollers are trying to cast a dark shadow on a moment that allows people to see light and feel hopeful. For the people who feel that only people of color felt the pains of racism, financial depression, unemployment, eviction and death from the coronavirus think again. Do you see the celebrations there are various races, groups,  religions, and ages out there voting and hoping. “ For American To Feel Great Again.”

We have a long way to go for recovery and it’s not going to be easy, let’s stay, hopeful, and united in love. Don’t turn your backs on this new administration if you feel that they are not working as fast as you think they should. They are faced with a serious train wreck. Let’s move forward to a new beginning and change. Happy Thanksgiving, Merry Christmas, Feliz Navidad, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanzaa, and a beautiful, bright New Year.

Thank you from Drathepen

Getting to know me

Dear Readers,

Hello, hello, hello I’ve hope that you are enjoying Spring break, Easter and Passover celebration.  We are now in the season of spring a time of renewal Mother Nature is spreading her beauty around us. This is a perfect time to properly introduce myself to my audience and tell you about why I created Conversations with J. R.  Conversations with J. R Floyd, was created out of my frustrations and relationship struggles. I started to observe people in relationship and noticed that they experiencing relationship problems, but they aren’t communicating with their partners, they are  talking to other people about their pain and frustration. I don’t think that people enters relationships thinking the worst we all hope to have a long, loving and happy union, but along the way things happen in our lives that affect our relationships, and we sometime wait too long to address the problems in our relationships. On my YouTube channel Conversations with J. R. Floyd   I’ve talked about:

1. Relationship expectations and how sometimes we hold our partners up to ridiculous expectation. Unbalanced relationship and how relationship becomes unbalanced, and how people Define their relationships.
2. Compatibility and being an individual within the relationship. I’ve read from both of my books. The Waiting Game and A different Flavor of Love. ( available on amazon)
3. I’ve talked about clearing the clutter out of our lives, not the clutter in your apartment, cars or garage. The Mental and emotional Clutter that hold us back from having better clarity about life.
4. I’ve talked about living your best life, which I’m doing right. I shared my battle with mental Illness and Dysfunctional relationships, and why some people stay in relationship past their due date. No I don’t think that relationships should have a due date, but sometimes they do.
5. You can check out these topics and more by subscribing to my YouTube channel: Conversations with J. R. Floyd. My channel presents a various array of topics. I talked about men and women empowerment, and the lost foundation of family. We move from generations to generation and the value of family has  lost its importance. 
6. On my journey of reflection, discovery and renewal I wrote another book about my experiences and my journey to find answers. I am not a psychologist, or a relationship expert, and I don’t give out advice. My goal is to engage people in conversations about relationship topics. I am combining my passion for teaching,  reading, writing and exploring to create a platform for people to have meaningful Conversations. I create a blog ( dragthepen on wordpress.com) and my YouTube channel ( Conversations with J. R. Floyd) as way to speak to the world about what other people are not talking to each other about. 
7. On this journey I discovered that I needed to give  myself over 100% to letting go and purging myself from all past events and traumas.  I’m willingly going through this process because have you noticed that holding onto old stuff is a lot more painful than letting them go. I am letting go to live my best life for me. Not preparing myself for a relationship people usually work on themselves to be better for someone else. I am working on myself to be better for me. I not longer choose to give my time and energy to areas of life that are not supporting my professional, spiritual, and personal growth. I am working on strengthening my self-worth. I have taken back ownership of my life I gave my life away because I didn’t know what I was doing.This winging it seems to be the theme that many people are doing. Many people are afraid to admit that they did not receive a good foundation about intimate relationships. I say, it is never to  late to learn. I am truly enjoying this part of my journey. There you have it. I have properly introduced myself to you and my mission. So come along with me on this journey of conversation, reflection, discovery and renewal you might be surprised about what you learn.  

Hold on or Let go?

Dear Readers, 

What are you holding onto that you need to let go of? We have all heard this phrase “let go and let go” but what is this letting go and letting god? Some people say in order to live a happy and life we need to forgive and let go of past events that keeps us stuck in emotional turmoil. Letting go is a process that takes time and for some people letting can be more painful than holding on.

What say you? Thank you for watching, please subscribe to my YouTube channel: Conversations with J. R. Floyd

Thank you.

 

The VIP Pass

Dear Readers, day 5 of my 10 day writing challenge prompt 5, do you feel like you have a spiritual VIP pass?

Never through of my life as having a spiritual VIP pass. I used to view my life as a series of struggles after struggles, crisis after crisis. I felt that the spirits of the universe were against me, and that my life was supposed to be ugly and difficult. I have given a lot and gained very little. I don’t see myself as a successful person because I don’t have the things that I’ve been striving for. Oh yes, I have a roof over my head, but it’s not mine. I have two-part time jobs but I don’t net the $70.0000 that would give me freedom. People see me as strong, firm, smart, creative, and hardworking. Someone bounce back from setbacks. I have no choice but to bounce back I can’t afford to sit on my butt. I am constantly haunted by the feelings of being a failure. I don’t see any value in what I have done with my life.

Today’s prompt the spiritual VIP pass has led me to thinking about all the wreckage that I have walked away from and not a scratch. I have more than survived I have lived to overcome the darkness to walk in the light. I have been blessed at the 11th hour when it seemed all hope was lost. My spiritual VIP pass helped me to transform from a low wage earning high school dropout to a college grad, educator, professional singer, author, motivational speaker and so much more.. Answering today’s prompt has allowed me to think about the connection of people, places and events that have come into my life even just for a season and down the line I understood the reason. I have held onto and continue to press on with the believe that the power of this universe hears me, helps me, talks to me, protects me, guides me, loves me unconditionally and supplies all of my needs. I have had some bad lows along with a few highs and I am still here. I Don’t quite understand my journey but I am liking the second half of this two act play called life. I have peace like I have never felt before. I remain confident that this spiritual VIP pass will bring to me what I need when I need it.

The power of a remarkable attitude

Dear readers,

In is book Man’s Search for Meaning, Viktor Frankl wrote these amazing words: “We who lived in the concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last pieces of bread. They may have been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken from a man but one thing: The last of his freedom is to choose his own attitude in any given set of circumstances -to choose one’s own way.”

what say you?

Oh the Horror!

Dear readers,

It started at the age of 30. I secured my freedom on the road to becoming self-sufficient. The delicious thrill of being on my own, living, thinking and having time for me.

Rewind……….

I was married at the age of 24. The first two years was stella. The last four years were like scenes from Dante’s Inferno. At the age of 30 with the help of my family and friends I escaped.

Fast-forward…….

Twenty three years later, four degrees, one self-published novel, three successful seasons singing first Soprano with the New York City Downtown Chorus, and a supporting role in the Christian play “Oh Lord Why did I get Married?”

Hooray you say job well done.

So, why do I feel like a failure? Years of working three-part time jobs to pay for college and to keep a roof over my head. The end results I haven’t gotten that high paying dream career I worked so diligently to have.

I thought at this stage I would have a better partner to settle into a long-term loving relationship. Another pipe dream lost. The final blow I live in a state (New York City) where the landlord’s greed rules and even though everyone’s money is the color of green, if a person is white and can pay higher rent they are privileged to live in the best neighborhoods.

I am faced with making the choice of sharing an apartment after living in my own space for twenty-three years. I ask myself over and over, How can I co-habitate with a stranger? I am a clean freak, who likes a quite home, a peaceful home is important for me to keep my sanity.

OMG. The fear of seeing someone’s boyfriend coming out of the bathroom in his underwear. Someone eating my food or secretly going through my belongings. The real estate market is such that living on one’s own would require working a tremendous number of hours to cover the rent alone.

Today, I had an appointment at a roommate finders’ agency, the realtor asked me” what am I willing to give up  to acquire a place where I can have all my belongings with me, and to make a fresh start.”

At this present moment, I don’t know how to answer that question.

What say you?

 

 

Gratiude

Dear readers,

Today, I am grateful for my life. I’ve been observing the life style of some of my family and friends, and sometimes I secretly  wished that I had what they have. But upon close investigation, I’ve come to understand that most of them  that I’ve watched with the GREEN EYES of ENVY  with all  their material assets; house, cars, trips, expensive clothes, and other accessories, some of them lack peace and freedom. Let me explain, they seemed happy with all that they have gained, however, while a rare lunch date with my best friend, she confirmed my assumption, when she said, ” There are days that I wished that I could live like you.” I didn’t respond because I was thinking, she has a house, two cars, three beautiful children, and a husband who provides for her. She must be mad, I worked two jobs, ride public transportation ( took  on the second job to save for a car), and I haven’t been in a relationship for six years.

Before I could question her, she continued. “I love my family, but I wished that I would have waited to live my life. You live free of the burdens of having to find a baby sitter for three kids in order to have date night, which is rare, or to go out with the few friends I have. Your house is always clean and quiet. In my house, I constantly hear  voices, asking and demanding my time and attention. I’m totally depended on my husband financially and at time he is tight with money.Besides begin married for 15 years, having my children, I have nothing to show for what I have accomplished beyond my marriage. You travel, paid your way through college, published a book, your self-sufficient, and unlike the rest of the women in our circle you didn’t settle. When you marriage wasn’t working, you left and didn’t look back. Anyway, girl I’m venting, how is the new book coming?”

We continued to eat  lunch and talked about my next book. We parted ways and when I arrived home, put the key in my door to be greeted by my  dogs wagging tail of excitement, It was a that moment that I knew that I haven’t been grateful for my life. I have all that I need and my life is the exactly the way it should be.

What do you have to be grateful for?