Fear of the golden years

Dear Readers,

My sister’s birthday 🎉

At what age did you start to fear being alone during ” the golden years?” I took for granted that I would have a life partner to grow old with. I partyed hard in my early 20’s survived an abusive relationship, party hard again in my 30’s while working my way through college. At 40 I was weary of the party scene and dead end relationships. To be honest with you I thought I would remarry and get it right the second time around, nope didn’t happen. After two failed engagements at the age of 52, I stopped dating, having useless sex, got into therapy worked on myself, meaning all the parts of me I knew were broken and need to heal and rest. I got to know the real me and discovered hidden talents.

I am 57, and facing one of my greatest fear, not death, being alone, no partner living everyday alone. I live in New York City with 8 million people and ironically it’s very lonely, and good lasting friendships are difficult to establish and maintain. People are busy bees in New York City, and schedule each other into their daily calendars. I’ve tried online dating horror experience, I don’t go to bars because men are on the hunt to score a lay. It’s draining getting to know a new person only to have the situation not work out and to start again.

People say that living along is exciting and freeing, no one to answer to or to control you. I think people who feel this way are not happy in their present relationships or family life. Yes, there is some truth that people who live alone have more fun. As I advance in age I fear being alone. when I voiced my concerns I’ve heard, you will meet someone when you stop looking, or reprimanded for being too picky. Why should I settle? I am talking about the rest of my life and I want to be happy with my partner. I am ready to travel more and explore new hobbies. This isn’t about me trying to relive my youth looking for the next thrill. I want to feel connected to the people in my community, establish good trusting friendships, but technology has replaced face to face interaction, and to add insult to injury men my age ( 55-60) they desire younger women, not a woman of quality, good values, substance.

I’ve decided to work until I am 63, in the meantime, I am in the process of choosing which of the 10 states that will allow me to build my tiny retirement home. During a conversation with one of my friends he suggest that I should think about relocating before building the house. I am going to deeply consider this option. I noticed that each state I visit the people are connected, they don’t rush, family style eating is at the center of their life, and people who live in small country surroundings show that they care about their neighbors. This is what I need. If I am not going to find a life partner then I wish to be surrounded around a community of people who will take care of me in my golden years.

In the meantime, the virus is making it difficult to go out and join books clubs and gardening communities. I am hoping summer of 2022 I can engage in more face to face activities.

Thank you for stopping by dragthepen. I hope this post will inspire people to reconnect.

Photo by Alexandr Podvalny on Pexels.com

Within These Walls

Dear readers,

Does it matter why or how people are displaced from their home, apartment, hut shack or igloo? The space people personalize with a favorite chair, coffee or tea-cup; and an old creaky bed that sleeps comfortable. The walls painted with colors that reflect the celebration of life and love. Pictures hung in the right places capturing silent stories, moments of laughter and sorrow. HOME a scared abode, where children are raised, grandchildren visit, where parents and grandparents are nurtured during their golden years.

For the first time in my life I am  lodging in someone else’s space; having been dislocated from my corner of paradise. I sit in my room, where there are no pictures of familiar faces, sleeping in a strange bed, sitting on a wooden chair, one single lamp, void of a writing or vanity table.  My belongings are stored in suitcases and an overnight bag. Such strange and uncomfortable feelings because I don’t know how to be in someone else’s’ space. They say that I should “make myself at home.” How Can I make someone else’s home feel like mine? Is this possible?

I am deeply grateful to the family for their kindness during this time of hardship. But I worry about proper etiquette. I lay awake at night thinking did I clean after myself? Or would it be insulting to my host family if I slept in on my days off? Can I have a cup of tea and a snack in my room before bedtime? I don’t know how long finding my own space will take. I am told “There is no rush take your time.” How much time are they referring too?  This is all so unsettling?

What Say you?