90 days let the newness begin.

Dear Friends,

I did not start out looking for a husband I was committed to being single. I was comfortable with my ONENESS. I did not consider myself lonely and I was not afraid to be with ME. Out of frustration I made the decision to give up dating and my search for Mr.…… Two years into my self-imposed isolation I was happy to go to a peaceful home after long days of toiling at work and fighting the grind of riding public transportation. A benefit of living alone is having the space and leisure to do as one please, and besides my boxer jo-jo I enjoyed not being responsible for another person besides Jo-jo.  Two years turned into three and so on.

In my seventh year of being with ME I had drafted three manuscripts, two that I self-published, joined a classical chorus, acquired a second part time job, and finally started the process to complete my master’s in education. Life was GOOD. I was so busy being busy that I did not pay attention to the train wreck that was going to derail me from my mission as a writer and educator, take away my peace, and cause me deep emotional damage, and by the time I emerged from the darkness of the twisted wreckage; I would be lift with the task of rebuilding my life one part at a time. The result I am back in therapy.

This time around I needed to do more than heal my heart and soul from being broken and abandon. I need to step in the room of recovery and address my pain give this pain a name stare it in the face and have a conversation with it. I begin by saying that I was not looking for a husband because I never made it passed the engagement stage. My prince charming wooed me for a year. During our courtship he showed me the person who he needed to be. His true self reared its ugly head the moment I moved into his place. He transformed into a moody, clingy, needy, overbearing, insecure, NAG. He laid down the law by preaching to me about the type of wife he wanted me to be. He made it clear under no circumstances did he see how I could balance both being a wife and continuing with my teaching career, and my hobby as a writer. blogger, classical singer and finding time to keep up with my YouTube channel. This coming from the same man that while living under separate roofs supported me and besides my son became my greatest cheering section. He wanted me to choose. I stayed 90 days. I stayed because I thought that I was living through a short nightmare and that I would wake up. No. This was no nightmare, what I was living through was real.

I left because I could not stay in a relationship that does not value and support me. I am starting over again, but this time is going to be different. I will not sweep my feelings under the rug and just move on. I will address my pain and confusion and address the things that I’ve ignored in my life and heal those parts of me that are still hiding and hurting.

What say you?

This was just part of my story I am not going bore you with all the details that truly lead to write this handbook. While there are millions of self-help books and guides on the market, but how many of them really help people to take a deeper look into how to survives and revive your life after the devastation brought on by the end of a relationship/marriage. We are talking about people who have invested years of emotions, money, and time. Many have raised children fought through infidelity, maybe a death of a spouse, or those who have been married a second and for that marriage to fail. When a relationship is ending we spend so much time and energy being angry and fighting that when the final chapter closes very few people know how to begin again. On August 24, 2018, after a year of wooing me and a 90-day engagement I decided to leave. Normally, I could bounce back and move forward, but the ending of this relationship made me understand that something was different about this ending. I had to do more then just push past my emotions keep my head up and keep moving.

I took a full look at myself in the mirror and found it difficult to recognize me, my appearance changed drastically over a year and I wasn’t happy at the person looking back at me. I let myself go because I was too busy trying keep up with two jobs, church duties, and saying yes to all the other stuff that we tend to cram into an already hectic schedule, all this while trying to be all that I can be for the relationship.

After the break up I had to relocate a distance from the city because I could afford to pay the rent. I was angry because he got to stay, and I had to bear the expense of moving again. But as I grew use to my new surrounding that came with complete quiet and a running track right next to me I began to walk that track and the hill that the track was built on and that when I got the idea. 90 days, even though I said that I was going to take a year to slow down and refocus my life, take 90 days to jump start this process.

Some people go out and have a complete make over hoping that the instead change in appearance will help them work through the pain. There are those who go in the opposite directions they close themselves off from the world, they eat, or drink only to end up in an addiction program. Because most people cannot deal with how to pick up their lives, not for the sake of moving on, but to completely rebuild their lives better, not to prove that they can survive to their exes, but to be better for themselves.

What I am proposing is 90 days of intense focusing on areas that have been neglected. The emphasis should be on self-care start by reevaluating health, consider therapy not just to talk about the feelings of ending the relationship, but how to be a better you, and most importantly slowing down. When I was alone with my thoughts I realized that I was so busy being busy that I was not paying attention. I welcome slowing down, cutting the extra hours at work to make time for therapy, my women’s’ group, and to journal. I truly hope that when you reach the end of your 90 days that you feel emotionally stronger better, be on a healthier physically, have mental clarity, and emerge with a new direction and be prepared to live.

During this journey I will journal as much as I can about day to day my experience. I have neglected my health during the entire year that I’ve allowed myself to be distracted. I am going to put great effort into a 90-day vegan diet. In addition to clean eating I will return to exercise, I use to enjoy walking, going to the gym, yoga, and playing tennis. What happened is that the mistake that many we make is that we sacrifice the areas of our life that brings us happiness for the sake of the relationship. In my case my partner purposely interfered with my schedule. The lesson I learned from that is that I have to stand my ground when it comes down to doing the activities that are important. Another change instead of my weekly to do list, I will reduce all extra activities, and make my weekly list meaningful and productive.

Finally, I spoke about distraction, I got caught off guard I should have been paying attention to the warning sign that my ex was given off. Being busy cost me a lot, during these 90 days, social media will be used only for updating my blog. I will hold myself accountable for keeping the journal entries as current as possible. So, with that said let the journey begin.

Day one, August 27, 2018. I did not go into this 90-day plan thinking that the storm was over, and the universe would cut me some slack. Ha! I arrived at work fresh and ready to get back into my groove. I was thinking the only thing I need now is to get back on track with work. Not that I am going to use work as a distraction, but I was eager to get back to teaching. I was meet with this memo: short version the department has decided that they would cut my hours. I had an immediate melt down in front of everyone. Long story short after spending most of the work day going from one office to the next, another department was more than happy to restore my hours. Instead of me taking a step back and breath I ate a muffin. Oh well.  Tomorrow Gym Day.

8:30pm, the day is done and all I want to do is make it home. Upon leaving my place of employment I discovered that a long-time co-worker and friend had retired and soon after passed away. Again, for the second time tears flowed. I knew this person for 15 years, he was the kind, funny, a great smile and he could tell some funny jokes. I boarded the train and couldn’t wait to get home and bury my face in my pillow and cry. 89 more days to go.

Family Matters?

Dear readers,

Please bear with me, this post is a little longer than I am accustomed to writing, I believe that what I have to share will be beneficial to someone.

A few weeks ago I was invited to Sunday dinner at the home of the Evans family (family of five, three girls plus mom and dad) Ms. E is an old college mate, she didn’t finished college because she got married and started a family. I was excited! Being single has its pros and cons, one downside is eating alone. Anyway, I arrived at 2 pm with a bottle of wine, flowers for Ms. E and crumbs cupcakes for the girls to have after dinner.

Mr. E. greeted me at the door and quickly disappeared upstairs to the bedroom. After hugging the girls and chatting for a few minutes, me and Ms. E settled in the kitchen, opened the wine and proceeded to catch up on life.  An hour into my visit my excitement went from 10 to 0. I was looking forward to a family day, you know the old fashion way families use to spend time. Playing games, laughing and talking over dinner and then maybe a movie with popcorn to close out the evening.

What I got was the girls in the living room engaged in their electronic devices, there wasn’t any talking, no interaction between them, they sat staring as in a trance at their I pads, and their ears were plugged up.  I sensed Ms. E’s embarrassment about the situation, so she justified their behavior by saying that Mr. E has been working long hours during the week, and on the weekends he likes the house to be quiet.

Ms. E and I stayed in the kitchen drinking wine, chopping, cooking and talking. After a while reality set in Ms. E wanted company. She craved someone to talk to, she was feeling lonely and disconnected. There came a point during the period before we ate dinner that the youngest child become restless, she was told by Ms. E to go and play quietly in her room. She was sent to play in her room alone, instead of remaining in the kitchen with us.

The other children were woken from their trance by Ms. E. to set up the table. At 4 pm, Ms. E called Mr. E to the dinner table, by this time the youngest child had fallen asleep, the father said leave her to sleep, Ms. E did not protest.  It took a moment to get out plates filled and for a conversation to start, but it wasn’t a meaningful conversation. The girls answered my questions with short response, and Mr. E mostly talked about how much over time he was doing, and Ms. E kept asking everyone did they want more to eat. During dinner the youngest child woke to join us.

After we ate, Mr. E excused himself to go and full the vehicles up with gas for the coming week. I helped Ms. E cleaned the kitchen, put the food away and to set up coffee and the cupcakes for the girls, they ate a few bites and asked to go to their rooms to watch a show on the Disney Channel. I stayed with Ms. E for another hour and said my good byes at 7pm, there was no Mr. E in sight.

I went home and got out my old family albums and spent time remembering the good old days. I called Ms. E letting her know I got home safe and thanking her for the dinner. I extended an invite for her and the family to have dinner at my house the next Sunday. What I didn’t tell her was that I was going to invite some of my family members so she can experience what a good old fashion Sunday Family Dinner is supposed to be.

Family bonding is important.

What say you?

 

More Drama

More drama, when things go wrong, people say the Devil is busy. I say People are busy. We live in a world that lack compassion, love and plain old common sense. People are too busy minding their own business to notice the needs of others. Did you know that a smile, kind words, a hug or laughter could make a persons day, or change their life.  So much cruelty, people are getting meaner and meaner. No time to listen to their fellow mans troubles, because people are concerned with being greedy and selfish. Most adults remind me of a two-year toddler. They go through  life stomping their feet, with  arms folded across their chest singing the ” Mine, Mine, Mine”  and ” Me. Me. Me” song.  What happened to the good old days when people cared?

 

What Say You?