Healing in the Presence of Peace

Dear Readers,

I didn’t want to be alone so I spent years in dysfunction relationships and situationships because I was afraid that being without a man meant that something is wrong with me. As a result, I accepted degrading treatment from relationships and friendships that only brought pain and suffering. For most of my life I felt I wasn’t good enough, so I tried to fix what I was told was wrong with me. The more effort I put into changing to please others they continued to point out my flaws. The first time my therapist asked me ” what did I want” I didn’t know how to answer. The truth be told my life was a sum of feeling unloved, disconnected, and beaten down from being a people pleaser. I spent years allowing the whisperers of loneliness and the judgment of others to drive me into situations that burden my life deeper into emotionally, mentally and physically depletion….until the day came when I had nothing to give.

Fast forward….. I took Action

It’s been a four years journey of understanding why I remained locked in a patterns of self sabotage and unloving intimate relationships, friendships, and attached to Self- centered family members. Regardless how painful it was I had to deconnect from dysfunctional situations in order to connect to self. When an individuals like myself decides that enough is enough and being sick and tired isn’t helping this is a defining moments of discovering the truth of who is for or against you.

During my isolation I discovered how to hear and trust my own voice. I learned that I deserved to live in a home where I don’t have to walk around on egg shells, and adjust to other people’s moods. Being a people pleaser only makes me weak, a doormat, and disconnected me from being my authentic self. I am learning to be patient and to trust the process of peace, healing and being in the presence of my company. I know that not having an inmate relationship isn’t a punishment, but time to love on me. I understand that’s having a hand full of faithful friends is better than being lost in a crowd of fake friends.

I’ve discovered that I am capable of more than anyone thought I could accomplish. During my isolation and deleting negative people from my presence cleared the way for building a better networking system that works for me. One of the best part of healing in the presence of peace is how valuable I treat my body. In other words, I no longer offer my body up as a sacrifice in exchange for happiness that won’t come. I immerse myself in self care because of what I asked of myself mentally and emotionally, not because I am running from the burdens of the baggage others dump on me.

My life use to be the sum of mostly negative choices, but today I know that it’s never too late to learn, heal, and start fresh. I don’t know who needed to hear this, but to the individuals who are listening and my experience speaks to you, I say, seek your healing in the presence of peace.

Thank you for stopping by dragthepen ❤️

Prince Charming Left the Building

Dear Readers,

It’s been a long time since I’ve talked about a relationship topic. The world has been turned upside down by this pandemic, and people have more pressing issues to think about then relationships. I’ve heard people talk about the challenges they faced during the first half of the pandemic when we were ordered to be sheltered in place. 

Now that some restrictions have been lifted I guess people are beginning to venture out and start to date again. In my case I’ve been dateless for two years, partly by choice and also because I am on a journey of healing and self discovery, but I know I can’t hide forever. 

What do men and women like me do when they fear going back out into the hopeless society of dating. My first book entitled The Waiting Game is inspired by my tragic relationships and my  misconception that everyone in the dating game is  looking for the real deal. 

It took a lot for me to admit to myself and to confess to you that I don’t want to be alone, don’t get my message wrong, I am comfortable with my own company, and I will continue to discover more of who I am and what I need and don’t need from an intimate relationship. The bottom line for me is that I am afraid of being played again, and having to start over getting to know someone new and thinking about who to truth. 

In the past I realized I moved to fast in the relationships that turned out to be messy situationships. not only did I move too fast, but I allowed myself to be pushed in directions that I felt uncomfortable with. Is it just me or my thinking that men are not interested in being patient and taking things slow. They want to know right away what’s in it for them in other words they are not wasting their time if they are getting their needs met. 

I am 57 years old and it’s been my experience that men my age want younger women. You know the type of  OG’s  who are looking to relieve their youth.  Or the men I use to meet who are only interested in netflix and chill nights at home. Now that the coronavirus is here this adds another hindrance, so now I don’t dare think about venturing out into the dating scene.

Listen, I am not asking for prince charming to come alone and sweep me off my feet, that fantasy sailed a long time ago. It’s  simple: where are the honest men who haven’t been tinted by gold diggers, cheating women, or been broken and beaten by too many bad relationships, not on the DL,  know who they are what they want, and are emotionally stable and want to be in a relationship for the right reasons. Where are the men who appreciate women like me who go out every day to earn an honest living, have a plan for the future, good family and friend relationships, and live by a moral code of good ethics and values. 

Where are the men who desire to be in a monogamous relationship without the urge to have side pieces. Where are the men who dare to go the distance in a long term partnership regardless of the ditches and valleys. Where are the men  who are willing to accept me for who I am the way I am and not reject me based on what I don’t have. 

Where are the men who don’t believe in being community property by sleeping around and collecting baby mamas. Where are the men who understand their responsibility and accountability when they make the decision to enter into a relationship they claim they want. It’s simple, just be honest with yourself first, I don’t want to be played or layed. I desire to be respected, except, loved, protected, supported and understanding for my life vision and open communication. I want honesty, romance, creativity, someone with a strong family bond, confidence, intelligence, sense of humor, good hygiene and healthy eating habits, belief in God, and someone who believes in friendship is the foundation of any relationship. 

I don’t know where these men are but if they are out there somebody let them know that women like me are waiting for them.

Are You a Passive Participant in your Life?

Dear Readers, 

By now you should be familiar with who I am and what I do. Recently, I posted my welcome video to Conversations with J. R. Floyd, my latest project on my YouTube channel, decided to issues that impact our intimate relationships and explore problems that destroy families. This month ( July 2020)  I am celebrating my 2nd anniversary for my  YouTube channel, and my path to healing years of emotional and spiritual brokenness. At the beginning of 2020, I asked my viewers, readers, bloggers, and supporters to join me in this year’s Theme of writing letters to self. This idea came to me while I was penning my third book, 90 Days of Reflection, Discovery and Renewal. During my journey of journaling for 90 days, I discovered that there were areas of my life that I thought that I had healed, but certain events in my life brought to my awareness that I need to revisit some old wounds that really hadn’t healed completely.   

I have written letters to myself, to people, ( My mother and father), to my supporters, to life, and to love, however, I never sat down and wrote a letter addressed to me. I spent years walking through life in a fog, meaning that my life had no direction nor did I have any good role models to support me. I walked around in darkness and pain, but  I wasn’t aware that I was suffering, I covered up my pain and distress by engaging in one bad relationship after another. I worked out like a fiend and stick to a strict vegetarian diet. I wanted everyone to see that I had my life together, but the truth was I would go home and fall to my knees in tears because wearing masks was exhausting. 

It wasn’t enough that I had worked my way through College, an accomplishment that I never celebrated because I wanted others to praise me and put me on a petals, and when this didn’t happen the seeds of anger were planted. When I didn’t get my dream job or what I thought was my dream,  the seeds of anger sprouted into buds of resentment.  It never dawned on me that I was spewing my bitterness at the wrong people. I didn’t know that I was supposed to create the life I wanted, instead, I was under the impression that life was supposed to bring me what I wanted just by me thinking it. I thought that if I was a “ good girl” and did all the right things, walk a “ good path” that all things good would come to me. So, I wasted years of my life hoping, wishing, praying, crying and wondering when am I going to catch a break? All this time I didn’t understand that I was a passive participant in my own life. It wasn’t until someone said to me, “ you don’t wait for people to give you an opportunity, you make your own” that Was in 2014. Since that time I’ve become an active participant in my own life.

The change didn’t happen overnight and I have had some setbacks, but the lessons and the progress I’ve made in the last three years is amazing. Blogging, publishing my own books, living my dream of singing in a classical chorus, traveling, creating my YouTube channel, and my latest project a new website Conversations with J. R. Floyd. I teach vision board workshops and coach people how to make their visions for their life a reality. I go to bed each night with a sense of purpose and accomplishment. Pursuing an intimate relationship is no longer a priority. I surrounded myself with people who encourage and support my life vision and growth. I cherish my new found peace and clarity, and looking forward to the new change in my career as a Case Planner working with children in foster care. My first love will always be teaching, but it is time for change. 

  

Thank you for stopping my dragthepen

        

both of my books are available on Amazon

Rebirth

Dear Readers,  Two years, I embarked on a journey of healing due to many failed relationships. As a result I have leaned a great deal about myself and how I have contributed to these failed unions. During the the 720 days spent on self care, reading books, yoga, meditation, sitting in silence  and other forms of healing; I wrote 90 journal entries in 90 days of intense thinking. I choose to publish my journal into a book: 90 days of Reflection, discovery and Renewal…..release date for my birthday March 25, 2020. This 90 days of reflection, discovery, and renewal is a personal journey of deep contemplation and a search for answers to a life in a constant battle with tragedy, depression, and hopelessness. For some people hitting a brick wall knocks the life out of them. My collision lead to a level of clarity to understand how unnecessary distractions and being unaware caused my life to veer of course. My experiences have taught me that sometimes a second chance can lead to a new beginning.

 

Since my troubles started because of relationship drama what I learned from this two year journey of healing. I no longer invite men to sleep over because my bed is my scared space. I stopped having house dates, and Netflix chill nights. I require men to call instead of texting me. Date night has to be at a decent time. I no longer except late night calls. I require to be picked up at my door and returned to my residence without the expectation of being asked to come in. I am no longer a wife in waiting as so many are sitting around waiting for Mr. Right. Done that rode that horse and was thrown to the ground too many times. I am thankful for the lessons I have learned. I choose to spend the remaining days of my life making myself priority number 1, focus on my spiritual growth, and getting close to my grandchildren. Deeply thankful that relationships with men are no longer an🥂 intrusion in my life.

 

 The Waiting game is book that challenges the relationship myths women are expected to follow and can be beneficial to men as well because it opens up our perspective on relationships and how women really feel. Great read so far. I suggest checking it out on Amazon.
👉🏽The Waiting Game 

Moderation Versus Balance

 

Dear readers,

They say moderation, I say, there should be balance in all areas of life. I am 7 days into a 90 day fitness make over. No this isn’t a new years resolution.This is about life. Let me explain. August 2019 I celebrate an entire year of healing emotionally and spiritually. This path to healing began with 90 days of reflection, discovery and renewal through intense journaling, lots of quite time, reading self help books, listening and watching motivational speakers. During this healing process I discovered that I had never given myself over to such an intense path, can you image an entire year of focusing on self? It’s been very rewarding.

Recently, I began to notice that moderation isn’t my problem my new struggle is balance. I sat down and designed a pie chart of my life and discovered that I am lacking in the areas of socialization and health and fitness. What happened or is happening to me I allowed life to get in the way of my balance. I suffer from the awareness of how focusing on one or two areas of life can cause others areas to suffer. At the age of 55 I am 25 pounds overweight, and if I continue on this path it can be a dangerous one because high blood pressure and diabetes run strong in my family, and by the grace of God I have been luck, but I can’t live on luck forever.

This isn’t about weighing myself and playing the number game because my journey towards a fitness make over becomes about the numbers on a scale and not about overall health.
Looking at myself from a few years ago, I use to be a discipline eater, runner and love the game of tennis. But over time the trials of life beat me down. I made excuses why I could not find time to workout. I confess I am a snacker I love all things crunchy and salty. As for my sweet tooth donuts is my drug of choice.
I don’t enjoy being winded when I walk up stairs.
I don’t enjoy having to wear a double spanx under my clothing or ram shacking my wardrobe to find something to hide the imperfections for my love of eating greasy fried foods and donuts.

When I look at myself in pictures I cringe. I make no apologies I understand we live in a society that is pushing for acceptance, meaning love you as you are. I can’t support this idea if its going to lead to me ignoring my expanding waistline, the threat of heart decease, high blood pressure, diabetes, join and pain problems from being overweight.
Moving forward….today is day 7, and although its only been a short period of time, OMG the struggle is Deep.
I have committed myself to three days of 1 hour cardio and 1 days of yoga. My water intake is 32 oz daily, and. I have trimmed the snacking and sugar intake. The toughest adjustments are the portion control and working through the soreness. So join me on my website:  http://www.conversationswithjrfloyd.com/ my 15 day update complete with pictures. I hope I can inspire you to make a pie chart of your life and see what areas are out of balance.

 

 

 

Thank you for stopping by Dragthepen

http://www.conversationswithjrfloyd.com/

 

Healing

Dear readers,

I should have protected her, but I didn’t know she was sacred. When I was a young girl no one told she was the essence of my spirit and the center of my being. No one told me that if I gave her away too soon she would be abused, missed used, hated, battered, passed around, and treated as if she doesn’t have a soul. No one told me that she would cry, hide and begged to be cherished, loved, and protected. No one told me that she would be branded whore, slut, loose, easy, and old maid. I didn’t listen to her when she whispered” lets not do this again.” I pushed her concerns aside for the benefit of pleasure, but the pleasure wasn’t for us. I didn’t hear her when she begged me to stop treating her like stocks on the Wall Street trading floor sold to the highest bider. After all these years of being together I final understood and the moment that I did the emptiness and pain shook me to my core. The years of allowing others to pour into me their brokneness, suffering, pain, bitterness, resentment, and heartbreak, their spirits never left me even when I thought that I started a new. Why? Because no one told me that my womanhood, my maiden head, my innocene, the purest part of me was scared. No one told me to guard her because giving her away to the woves of this world might result in irreversible damage. No one told me that she would rebel, and that I needed to follow her into the battle to wait for the one. The one who would wait for her to mature. To understand that she needed to be loved and that she is a part if a whole. I regret that I abandon her. I was anger at her for not being better for not capturing and keeping those who I considered a soulmate. She understood they weren’t worthy.

Today, after all of the destruction of my past I realized I never forgave myself for not protecting the innocent young girl who give in too soon. Can you ever forgive me?

I write this too all the women who gave in to soon. HEAL.

Encouragement from the Mad Dater

Hello Readers and Fellow Bloggers, this is a throw back from the past when I was exploring the world of dating through the voice of the Mad Dater. I went on a quest to find my one true love. I took advice from friends and joined two dating websites, I attended many speed dating events, in additions to going to all the places and that I enjoy like, museums, bookstores, jazz lounges, libraries, theatres to find someone who has similar interest. Needless to say, l I ended up with horrible men online who wanted sex, spending money going out alone and  sheading tears that I would end life being the lonely cat lady.

Flash from the past……

Its been 18 days since I started my journey as the Mad Dater to find love. Today, I thought that I should take a break from  my usual rantings and post something light and sweet. After all I know that I am not  alone in my quest for a best friend, confidant, partner in crime and soul mate.  These words speak to the heart and offer great suggestion when search for a life partner. I hope you enjoy them as much as I did.

As posted on Facebook:

Marry your best friend. I do not say that lightly. Really, truly find the strongest, happiest friendship in the person you fall in love with. Someone who speaks highly of you. Someone you can laugh with. The kind of laughs that make your belly ache, and your nose snort. The embarrassing earnest, healing kind of laughs. Wit is important. Life is too short  not too love someone who lets you be a fool with them. Make sure they are somebody who lets you cry. Despair will come. Find someone who you want to be there with you through those times. Most importantly, marry the one that make passion, love and madness combine and course through you. A love that will never dilute-even when the waters get deep,and dark.-ilovemylsi.com

What say you?

Awareness & Clarity

Dear readers,

Recently I have been on a journey exploring who I am and what I want out of life. This period of deep reflection, discovery and renewal helped me to discover how I have allowed myself to be distracted by the standards of the world and how struggling to live up to the expectations of others lead me down a path of distraction.