Vanity

Dear readers
I am guilty. I confess. I admit I was doing it for all the wrong reasons. First, it began as a quest to get healthy, strengthen my bones due to the aging process. It felt good to stick to a regular routine and stay discipline. I slept better, had amazing energy, my skin glowed and I was on top of the world. It was all in vain. I worked out five days a week, hired a trainer attended yoga and spin class all for the wrong reasons. My main objective wasn’t to prevent heart decease or high blood. I worked out because I wanted to attrack a mate. I am guilty of falling into the trap of the beauty myth set forth by the male gaze. I am gulity of believing that if I developed and sustained the ideal body that I would have no problems attracting and keeping a partner. I never believed that men are attracted to women of various body types. The reason for my skepticism every beauty magazine, female actress, singer or public figure is presented as the perfect body size and judge on being the ” It girl”. I don’t know when and where I got the idea that having the ” perfect body” meant that I won’t be alone. There is a flaw to my stinkin thinkin, its my vanity and being overweight in my mind is considered unattractive. For years I watched the scale, and measured my waist. I stopped enjoying food and I developed a love hate relationship with anything that I deemed would ” go straight to my hips, thighs and buttocks”.  for years I didn’t look at myself in a full lenght mirror. when I am forced to try on clothing in a dressing room, I feel intimated by all the mirrors watching me from every angle.
Slowly I started to loose my battle to remain a perfect size 8. Little by little life got in the way and I  stopped working out and doing yoga. I let my guards down and began to nibble on the greasy fried foods that I denied myself for years. I gave into my sweettooth and now I can stop. The constant snacking is out of control. I feel ashame and weak. I failed me. When I look in the mirror I see an old body, sagging breast, wide hips, and untamed thighs. I want it back. I want it all back from the right reasons. Diabetes and high blood pressure runs in my family, so far I’ve been lucky. I want my body back for all the right reasons. I want to be as healthy as I can be at the age of 55. I need to eat cleaner, cut back on the sweets, I have a new work out plan thats reasonable and I have set small reachable goals. I will celebration to keep me motivated each time I achieve a goal. first one, rid myself of the extra 15 pounds. I want to feel good in my clothes, sleep better, have more energy, and get back to running my 3 miles and playing tennis. I need to love and except myself and work with what I have. The vain side of me will always be with me, but I won’t allow my vainty to persuade me that I am not good enough. And as far a s my future her mate, what you see is what you get.