When did We Lose Our Way?

Dear Readers

My heart is burdened when I look around and see people struggling with loneliness. I live in New York City” The Big Apple.” The city that never sleeps with eight million stories to tell. The loneliness I refer is not related to being without that special someone who makes your heart throb. This loneliness is deep, painful, and it robs people of the pleasures of life. Why should people be lonely when they a family connection, but these days the distance between is getting wider the reason they claim to be busy or holding onto foolish grudges. Lonely people say they have friends, who do not visit and rarely call, so what is the since in continuing to call them friends? 

Most people who experience loneliness belong to houses of worship, where the commission is to ” love your neighbor as thy self” However, I have observed this special spiritual love is given while attending service, outside of fellowship the bond of love does not seem authentic. It is the same with coworkers, people who are employed at the same company for years even decades, forming friendships, attending events outside of together, and supporting each other through tough times and celebrating the best of times. Only for these bonds to be broken when someone retires or moves away. What happened? Did the friendship or relationship 

People say they are lonely in their marriages and other relationships how can this be, what are husbands, wives and significant others longing for that they do not already have? What happened to the way we used to be? You know like back in the day when no one questioned the importance of family and staying connected. I watched my mother, father, aunts, and uncles form friendships that lasted a lifetime. People took pride in bragging about being in friendship for 20, 30, 40 years. The old folk’s bond of friendship was strong, loyal, and unshakable, sometimes people would forget when friendship ended, and lifelong friends became family. 

It is sad to see people eating alone, traveling alone or home alone because they just do not want to go out and be amongst people, just to be alone. What is it? Is it that people are wrapped up in their lives that taking time to make meaningful connection with family and friends is too much of a task? In my case I gave up. I stopped texting, calling, emailing, blocked people from social media, I called it quits. I remember how long my holiday card list used to be. I would send out no less than 40 cards or more last year 2021, I sent ten. I became weary of traveling to visit others, but they never considered coming to me. 

So, here I am, I have made peace with loneliness. I will not allow myself to be burden by dark clouds or get teary-eyed when I see families or couples enjoying time together. Being alone is difficult, but I have learned to enjoy the authentic people in my life, and I do not give any connection to people labels, like friend or girlfriend. I am grateful for my few good traveling friends. I have decided to do just what the motto says, “live in every moment” of joy that I create.

My hope for the people who are reading this reconsider slowing down and spend meaningful time reconnecting to family and friends, especially the elders they are precious to the foundation of our family. Do not wait for the special occasions there is no time like the present. 

Photo by Magda Ehlers on Pexels.com

When the inner voice speaks

Hello Ladies, Let me have a word with you.

If currently not in a relationship or situationship and sitting around wondering, crying, and hating on women who are getting engaged or have successful relationships. STOP IT.
I use to be in and out of dysfunctional relationships and situationships to find Mr. Right because I was under the false impression that Mr. Right and the relationship was going to make everything in my life better. I was in and out of relationships for all the wrong reasons. During this dark and miserable period of my life I didn’t understand the emotional damage I was experiencing because I was loosing myself in the hunt for a relationship. I finally had enough of being broken, mistreated, and disappointed. When I decided that I am worth a better life this is when everything changed.

I use to fight against being alone in my space. I thought the gift of peace was underrated. People kept saying to me take time to work on myself. I thought “this is a bunch of crap.” Well, I’ve changed my mind. Ladies, if your in a position where you can creat your living space to reflect who you are count is as a blessing. If you have peace in your home embrace it. Being in the presence of peace is healing, I sleep better, I have better clarity, thus my creative ideas flows. I am learning how to balance my emotions, most important, I don’t allow others to bring their choas into my creative space of peace.

Lastly, loneliness don’t freak out about being alone, or being with self, single, spending time with you, and being in your own company. Don’t allows others to make you feel sad about being alone in your space of peace and creativity. Being alone has been the most important part of GETTING to KNOW who I am. These past two years of being on lock down because of the pandemic, and on going soical distancing helped me to embrace the path of working on me. For me this means therapy, yes, therapy is good combined with my spiritual growth have been a major factor in my emotional healing. I haven’t dated or have any interest in an intimate relationship since 2018. The big question when will I get back into the dating game? I won’t not any time soon.

My path to healing isn’t about me making myself better for a MAN, it’s about setting the standards for a better life for me. I am 57, not really interested in Mr. Right. Armed with new knowledge I know it’s about the quality of the man and does he meet the standards for my life, and not me lowering myself to meet his standards. I am going full force that on the knowledge that a successful relationship depends on the cooperation of two individuals. In the meantime, the only relationship that’s important to me is the one I am cultivating with myself.

Ladies move forward into your path of healing by creating a space of peace, self care and creativity.

Thank you for reading ❤️

Confessions of the Virus

One of the most difficult aspects of this pandemic is not the temporary loneliness, or the occasional overeating, the periodic boredom, or the wondering when will this be over, for me it is the absence of closeness. We live in a society that thrives on having personal space, in our homes we desire to have our own room, so we can close the door and keep others out. Some people often find themselves hiding in basements, closets or even the bathroom to escape people. 

We are told to seek quiet time to slow down and learn to enjoy our own company. Some parents often teach their children how to play alone. In the process these children invent imaginary friends or they cling to their favorite doll or stuffed animal for comfort. 

I am a proud Introvert and over the course of my life I have learned how to live with others who understand my need for quiet time and to dwell in a clean organized environment. We all have some area of life that is deeply impacted by this period of social distance. I miss the closeness of  being near people without fear. 

I miss sitting in the kitchen with my mom sipping coffee and catching up on life. I miss the hugs from family members, yes we are hugers. I teach college students and often they would initiate the invitation for a hug. I miss the intimacy of holding hands with a friend. I miss sneaking a gentle pinch from the cheek of a sweet plump baby. I especially miss the voices and camaraderie of my weekly chorus. 

Although some restrictions have been lifted and people are going out to enjoy meeting up, however, there is still that sense of being careful to connect but not fully. I spent this entire pandemic living alone; very few people stop by to do a wellness check. I am grateful for the few times I have ventured out to meet friends for dinner, coffee, or to attend a church service. I haven’t been to a mall, department store or to the movies; or any other place that I fear maybe a crowd of people.

I am thankful for spring and I’ ve made a trip to the mountains and it felt amazing to connect with nature, but I was alone. In July I am planning a cross country drive from New York to California. I am so excited because this is something I have dreamed of doing. While compiling my packing list I  remembered to add some extra items like, Lysol spray and wipes, extra masks,  rubber gloves, and hand sanitizer. I am excited, but how well I know that voice of caution will be with me whispering, have fun, but be safe.

Word Wall part 2

Dear readers,

anger, sadness, frustration, rage, betrayal, rejection, disconnected, loneliness, longing, reconciliation

Anger is an emotion that we are entitled to feel and express, but if holding onto Anger past the letting go due date, Anger can fester and lead to great Sadness, Frustration and Rage. People Reject being around the Anger. Loneliness is the result of Longing to be Reconciled with those who Disconnected due to  Anger.

 

What Say You?

 

Value In our Experiences

Dear Readers,

Many years ago I read Self Matters by Dr. Phil, In the Meantime and Value in the Valley, by Iyanla Vanzant, this was in the 90s, at that time I was under the silly notion that reading these books was going to make me a better person for the next relationship.

Here it is 24 years later, and I revisited these same books and the message is much clearer. Why? Today, I have better understanding that seeking to be a better me for the sake of a relationship was at the root of me thinking that I needed validation as a women, and this validation depended on whether I was successfull in a relationship.

What I did not understand then was how to value my experiences even when they were painful, and emotionally damaging. I did not receive the lesson that I was supposed to be better for me. So the more I worked at being better for the next relationship the less I knew about me.

I did not know that I was supposed to learn lessons about why I seeked out men who were only interested in the physical aspect of the relationship. I did not comprehend that the time in between relationships should be used for self reflection. I did not want to be alone and I thought the cure for my loneliness was a man. I was unaware that the period of transition from one relationship to the next is called the “meantime”… a time to heal, reflect, and wait. My in the meantime meant crying, depression, drinking, and trying to figure out ways to make him come back. It was always about the relationship because I did not know that self mattered until I read Dr. Phil’s book. What I gathered is this that a dyfuncational self leads to attracting dyfuncational and abusive men.

The value in my experience taught me what wasn’t working and why. I was putting too much attention nursing my pain and thinking this isn’t going to happen again, but it did happen more times than I care to count.

I blamed men. I convinced myself that they were mean, abusive, cold, heatless, lairs, cheaters, cheap and can not be trusted. After years of soul searching, healing and learning about myself, I understand my role in opening the door for the abuse. I believed the lies because I did not  want to face the truth. I knew the men I was involved with were cheaters and cheap. They weren’t heartless and cold these men did not want to be emotionally connected to me they way I desired. The men from my past knew that I had low self esteem, and that I hadn’t discovered my self worth. They saw me as an opportunity and a means to an end.

As difficult as this may be to hear there is Value in our Experiences. While we are going through the darkness we can’t see the lessons. It is when we step away from the drama, and push through to the light we can come to terms with the experiences that teach the lessons that brings awareness.

Thank you for stopping by dragthepen.

Please visit my website

https://www.conversationswithjrfloyd.com/

Desperation & Dysfunctional Relationships

Dear Readers,

Do not allow loneliness and despair to lead to desperation resulting in being trapped in a dysfunctional relationship that does not honor who you are. We all have heard the saying that loneliness kills, and so does being in a relationship that does not honor who God created you to be.

Ladies, when you allow the negative voices in your head to engage you in conversation about lonely is caused by you do not have a man in your life. And the relationship is going to cure your loneliness, and bring you all that you need. Here are some thoughts to think about before you agree with those voices.

• Beware of the large population of men who have no good intention towards you when they sense that you are desperate, they use your eagerness to please to control the situation. Why are you willing to give your power, and willing to submit to ill treatment all because you are thankful to have a man in your life
• What value is this man bringing into your life? What purpose is he serving in your life? Some of these deceivers have swift tongues and deviant minds. Their plan is to milk you for all that you have and in the meantime, you become so blinded by your desire to HAVE A Man, that you don’t see the emotional devastation you will have to recover from when he leaves and he will leave

 

Do not listen to the myths that people are throwing at you?

• Except any men who are interested in a relationship with you because age might be a factor, or you might be single mother, this is not a reason to settle, in fact, there is no REASON TO SETTLE.
• When you settle your saying that I do not deserve a partner who will respect, value, honor, show compassion, support, see your worth, and express concern in all matters of your life. You want to feel protected and up lifted by your partner.
• Do not become some man’s side piece because you think that you are getting what you need without a true comment ( this is a degrading situationship)
• Question, Are you currently in a relationships that’s has ran it course and is no longer giving you the happiness that it used to, so you stay because you are afraid of being alone.

 

I know that there are women who are so afraid of being alone that they financially support men. Women except being verbal and emotionally abused by men who they know are not good for them, but their logic is that ANY MAN IS BETTER THAN NO MAN. I know of mothers who encourage their daughters to do all they can to keep a man even if that man is treating them disrespectful, the theory is that YOU BETTER HOLD ONTO YOUR MAN BEFORE SOMEONE ELSE GET HIM. There women who are searching for men through dating services only to be fool and conned by their lies and sob stories. Wake up! These men are hiding behind computers waiting for a victim not a soul mate.

When you allow the temporary feeling of loneliness to dictate giving up your power to men whose main goal is to drain your spirit, darken your soul, pillage your finances, and bring more confusion in your love than love and happiness

Ask yourself is it truly worth the damage and drama?

Here are some suggestions for your loneliness:

Find male friends that you can go out on a platonic date, intimacy comes in all forms

Go to event where there is single people looking to have a good time and enjoy the company of others without expectations.

Adopt a pet they need love pets make wonderful companions, and they are very loyal

Organize a girls night sleepover, but don’t waste the evening being depressed an talking about men

Take a class for fun, cooking, knitting, yoga, or join a gym or a community chorus

There are so many ways that you can combat loneliness and you can do so in a positive way. Heading into a relationship for the sole purpose of relieving yourself of loneliness without spending time truly getting to know the other person will only serve the purpose of opening the door for some serious drama.

What say you?

 

 

Word Wall part 2

Dear readers,

anger, sadness, frustration, rage, betrayal, rejection, disconnected, loneliness, longing, reconciliation

Anger is an emotion that we are entitled to feel and express, but if holding onto Anger past the letting go due date, Anger can fester and lead to great Sadness, Frustration and Rage. People Reject being around the Anger. Loneliness is the result of Longing to be Reconciled with those who Disconnected due to  Anger.

 

What Say You?