Keeping it Real, a rant from the Mad Dater

Greetings from the mad Dater,

 

When a man says, ” I’m sorry”  is he referring to the word Sorry the adjective, that means feeling distressed especially, at someone else misfortune?

Many years ago, when I was married, my spouse expressed that he was Sorry for behavior towards me that wasn’t appropriate; yet, he made no efforts to change. He’s say Sorry for using impolite language in the house, Sorry for being late for the hundredth time, and Sorry for not keeping an agreement we’ve made.

Over the years hearing Sorry from him became something else for me. When he’d say, ” sorry” What he was  saying was, I am a careless and selfish person. I do not put any effort into thinking about how my actions, behavior, disrespect and rudeness affect you.  In his mind, as long as he continued to say, ” I’m sorry” I would forgive him.

Well…I’m not sorry I left that marriage.

What I’ve learned through trail and error is this,  I will not accept Sorry from a man as away to excuse  his bad behavior. Instead, I ask for and sometimes demand an explanation for his mindless lack of consideration.

What Say You?

In the Spirit of LOVE

Dear Readers,

Someone comes into your life after many seasons of broken and dysfunctional relationships; He/She said “I love you” and the expectation is to respond, “I love you.” What happens when you do not feel this heart-pounding, palm sweaty, gitty LOVE? You are happy with the companionship and camaraderie of the relationship. You have opened your heart to caring for someone who have brought joy in your life that was dark and empty. However, there is the question of LOVE.

You are forced to evaluate your position in the relationship because your partner is not satisfied with how deeply you care for them he/she wants LOVE. What is LOVE? What is this LOVE that leads people to search until they have connected body and soul to their true soul mate; but disappointment comes because the LOVE you thought you found was confused with lust and infatuation. What is the secret for the couples who stayed together for 20, 20, 40 plus years?

I believe that the bond shared between people extend beyond the boundaries of the kind of LOVE that people mentally boxed themselves into. LOVE is a word that people carelessly throw around. LOVE is the reason why some people say they get married. No. you get married because you and your partner have vowed to love, honor, respect, and care for each other, while forsaking all others. These wedding vows have a deeper meaning then saying I LOVE You. We have all know a couple or two that have vowed to love and honor until death does its part, but at the first sign of trouble, they contact a divorce lawyer.

When my father passed I watched my mother stare at his closed casket and after 32 years of marriage, she said,” there goes my best friend.” That was 24 years ago and I still get goose bumps when I recall that moment. People say “I LOVE YOU.” For many different reasons. I say it is the intentions behind and what is in the heart of the person who says “I LOVE YOU.”

I will say this I will never judge a person based on how much I think he/she loves or does not’ love me. People express LOVE in various ways. Because we have our narrow vision of what we want LOVE to be sometimes we miss extraordinary experiences because we close our eyes to LOVE.

Think about this the next time someone holds your hand. When a stranger flashes an authentic smile, the kind that light sparkles in their eyes. When you receive, a hug and the person squeeze you and holds on for a few extra seconds.When you receive a card that say, “Thinking of You.”

When a stranger shows an act of kindness by paying for your coffee. Think about the time when you were at the end of the rope and just when you let go, someone caught you and helped you to hold on. LOVE is in every moment of each day. Do not close your heart, soul and mind to that spirit of love that flows around us every day.

What Say You?

 

Resurrection

Dear Readers,

Today is the first day that I have sat down and put pen to paper. My absence was not due to a dry spell, writers block or lack of ideas. It was TIME. The last few months (February –May), I was grinding, splitting my time between 2 part-time jobs while completing my Masters. During this time I suffered from what I thought was a bad cold that developed into pneumonia. However, as the saying goes “I trooped it out.” I pushed through until the date of completions. It has taken me five years to return to graduate school. Each time I attempted to register for my final class, something or someone got in the way.

During this time of waiting to cross the finish line to graduation, I lost to death, two uncles, my grandmother, she lived a long life and went out with a smile on her face. Two nephews (victims of violence) my step-father a great man, a sister who helped me develop my love for reading, my twenty year old niece who suffered from cerebral palsy thanks to her dedicated mother, this little princess lived a good life. I was almost homeless due to the loss of my apartment, including some of my possessions. I had to change roommate twice and nearly lost my sanity. Through all of this, I smiled looked up to heaven and with thick tears in my eyes asked. WHY?

Well here, I am the May 3^rd deadline to submit my final project and application for graduation on June 14 has come and gone. No, there is no light at the end of the tunnel. I am in limbo. Why because those who are place in the position of power deemed me unworthy of receiving a grade of INC. I needed an extra two weeks to submit the total number of hours needed to complete my field study. I pleaded my case but it fall on death ears. I was told that if my total grade tallies up to an F, yes an F. I would have to repeat the course. This means pay another $2000.00, plus the $300 for graduation and re do all the assignments AGAIN.

After receiving this message via email from the director of the Education department, I laid in bed in a fetal position for two days. I felt sorry for my finance, tried as he did, I could not pull myself out of bed. I do not know how, but I managed to resurface and got back into life. I have not checked my email to see my final grade. I need time. In the meantime, Good news, I am getting MARRIED. Well, not soon, but I am getting married to a wonderful man who supported me thorough all of this madness. I have a new home to remodel, and an appointment with the New York Missionary Baptist Advisory Council for my Ordination exam. Moreover, most importantly I need to get back to WRITING. When I check my email and if the news does not lead me to graduation, I will take the fall term off and enjoy living then start again in the SPRING.   In the meantime………

This was the best 549 words I have written in a long, long time. I am back.

What Say You?

 

Splitting the Difference

Dear readers,

When a marriage ends in divorce, its sad, devastating and disruptive. Deciding who gets custody of the kids, pets and dividing finances equally, for some couples is difficult to negotiate. In the middle of this unsettling event , is friends and in-laws trying to determine how to split their loyalty between two people who they have formed an emotional bond to.

Regardless of the reasons a couple conclude that  their marriage has to end; they don’t factor in the emotional affect and mental anguish a divorce causes to the relationships outside the marriage. Choosing who takes the china, mini van, and the bed might be easy. However, there is no uncomplicated way to select who gets to keep which friends or how to carry on a relationship with the ex-in-laws.

My parents were married 32 years before my farther died. Twenty-two years later, my mother, is still in contact with his family. She has attended weddings, baby showers, graduations, and funerals. Many of my mother and fathers family and friend have moved back to South Carolina or North Carolina, but they have managed to say in connected with one another.

I know that death of a spouse is not the same of a divorce. The point I’m trying to make is,if death doesn’t affect the relationships with the extended family and friends  then why should a divorce be any different? I’m just say.

What Say You?

Keeping it Real, a rant from the Mad Dater

Greetings from the mad Dater,

 

When a man says, ” I’m sorry”  is he referring to the word Sorry the adjective, that means feeling distressed especially, at someone else misfortune?

Many years ago, when I was married, my spouse expressed that he was Sorry for behavior towards me that wasn’t appropriate; yet, he made no efforts to change. He’s say Sorry for using impolite language in the house, Sorry for being late for the hundredth time, and Sorry for not keeping an agreement we’ve made.

Over the years hearing Sorry from him became something else for me. When he’d say, ” sorry” What he was  saying was, I am a careless and selfish person. I do not put any effort into thinking about how my actions, behavior, disrespect and rudeness affect you.  In his mind, as long as he continued to say, ” I’m sorry” I would forgive him.

Well…I’m not sorry I left that marriage.

What I’ve learned through trail and error is this,  I will not accept Sorry from a man as away to excuse  his bad behavior. Instead, I ask for and sometimes demand an explanation for his mindless lack of consideration.

What Say You?