Dear Mom

 

Dear Readers,

My wordpress readers know me by the blog name dragthepen, however, I am J. R. Floyd,  creator of the YouTube channel Conversations with J. R. where I discuss relationship problems and explore the destruction of the family. At the start of the New Year ( 2020) I asked my viewers to join me in a year-long theme of writing letters to SELF. Each month I choose a different topic to write a letter about. This month I decided to write a letter to my mother, she is alive, and will never read this letter. This is my chance to work out  emotions that I’ve suppressed for years. This is my way of having that mother daughter talk. My mother is 77 years old and at this point in her life there is no need to open past wounds. I did not experience the ideal mother daughter relationship, although I am a mother,  I did not have good mother role models around me to teach me how to be a mother. At the age of 56, I still long for a deep soul connection with my mother, that unbreakable bond that I hear so many other mothers and daughters talk about. 

Dear Mom, Happy Mother’s Day. I hope you enjoyed the flowers I sent. I try my best to do as you ask to “ give you your flowers while you’re living”. I struggled whether to write this letter because I do not want my readers to get the impression that I am bashing my mother. I would never do that if you gave me the greatest gift, my life. Mom, there are some issues about our relationship that I have kept buried deep inside from childhood into adulthood, why, because you did not make it easy for me to confide in you. Looking back I understand that you were overwhelmed with children, being a wife and running a home. I have tried to make peace with the fact that you did the best you could with the information you had at the time. 

Mom, that the little girl in me still aches for the gentle, loving touch of a mother’s hand. As I matured in age and experience there were certain hardships that I could not talk to you about because I was afraid of being judged by you. I heard that a mother’s love is unconditional, and that mother’s have this 6th sense of wisdom, and mother’s forgive unconditionally. You never kissed any of my boo boo’s, played dress up with me, read  me funny stories, or  told me that I was pretty,  and that I was your princess. Instead,  you gave me a stern hand when I needed a firm one. You withheld vital information about maturing into womanhood, my body changed and I needed you to help me to understand this transformation. You didn’t teach me self- care, self- worth,  or self -respect, and most importantly to keep myself for that special person. 

There were nights when I cried into my pillow because I knew if I cried out you won’t come,and if you did I was afraid that you would scorn me.  I need the warmth, protection and assurance only a mother’s arms can give. You missed so many important events, my 1st and 2nd college graduations, the birth of my 1st son and the burial of my 2nd son. For years,  I put extra effort into being super women so that you would be proud of me, but instead, you praised other people’s daughters for their accomplishments. You haven’t read any of my books, listened to my podcast, or watched my YouTube channel. When I received my Ministry License, you told me you were“ proud of me”, but I did not feel any joy from those words because to me they were just words. I have gone through life loving you and hoping that we can connect on an emotional level. My hope is that the years that you have left us can find a way to be joined together as it was met to be. 

 

Thank you for stopping by dragthepen

Let the truth be told

Let the truth be told. 

 

People  say that we are  the sum of our experiences. But what happens when the majority of your experiences have lead to a traumatic life?  My childhood was a combination of fear and punishment. Children look to their parents for protection, love, guidance, and  assurance. I was raised in a house with eight siblings and I felt neglected and abandoned by a mother who was busy with kids and housework. My father was not a warm and  loving father he ruled his house with an ironic fist keeping his family in check was his main goal. The fun times in my house where very few due to my father allowing religion to be the center of our lives. One of the major mistakes my parents made was that they didn’t teach their children about the true facts of life. My mother was busy turning  me into a domestic diva making sure that I didn’t have time to be a child, teen nor did she help me with my transition into womanhood. 

At the age of 17, I was desperate to get away from home so I gave  my virginity to the first boy who said he ” loved me” this lead to years of yearning for the need to be loved,  protected, cherished, provided for, and to feel that I mattered. Not such luck. Just like my childhood in my relationships I was abused, confused, ashamed, neglected, made to feel worthless, undeserving and invisible. My family watched while my life was devastated  by relationships after relationships. I experienced being put out in the street by live in boyfriends, infidelity, and foolishly being financially responsible for some of the men in my life because I didn’t know better. 

The years of searching for a place to belong was tremendously painful. Walking through life and never feeling secure that at least one person had my  back. I put my trust in the wrong people and I made poor relationship choices. I spent eight years in therapy, yoga, meditation, disciplined eating, education……blah, blah only to be haunted with a heavy feeling of emptiness. People tell me that I should be proud of all that I have accomplished. I am told that I am strong, creative, intelligent, beautiful, energetic, and powerful. I have fallen more times then I care to count. Each time pulled myself up using my strength, creativity, intelligence, and energy. During the most stressful events in my life, I have had minimal support from family, but thank God for a few die hard friends. 

I recently began to understand why I disliked the men from my past relationships. Due to my lack of relationship knowledge and experience I opened myself to be stepped on like a doormat and used like a pit stop. None of the men in my past had the decency to have mercy on me, so they took advantage of my lack of experience. So,  part of my new healing process is to hold them accountable instead of me shouldering all the blame. To the men from my past please remember a woman gave birth to you, you have sisters, aunts, and daughters, shame on you for mistreating women. I am moving forward healing myself of the pain you caused me. This time around I know what I am healing from and why.

To my deceased father and living mother I no longer wish to take responsibility and carry around the shame for what you didn’t teach me. It was your duty as parents to share vital information about the dangers of this world.  I know that you couldn’t protect me from every bad wolf, but you could have at least warned me before you just pushed me out into the dark abyss. I am going to dig deep and heal from my lost innocence. 

To all the people who have betrayed me. I am moving on with the awareness that I can’t go through life shielding myself by staying behind the walls of my cocoon. I know everyone is not out to get me, but I will move with caution. To all the people that I caused pain with my words or deeds,  I seek your forgiveness, whether you want to grant me pardon doesn’t matter because I am not that person anymore. 

2020, will be the start of true healing. I know the work I have to do and I

I am ready. I will love myself  unconditionally, I will protect, provided, have my back, keep promises to self,  engage in activities that bring me joy, and build towards my future. For my future friends and husband, when you cross through the threshold into my life please be aware that if your not truthful, trustworthy,  have honorable intentions, willing to respect, love, honor, have my back, be my ride or die, protect, support, show compassion and just be authentic with your intention, I am reminding you that I am emotionally better, mentally aware and most importantly I am paying attention. 

My hope is that for every person who reads this to sit down to write a letter to self,  and talk to the people who have caused you pain, read the letter out loud, burn it and heal. Your happiness matters. 

 

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