Dear Readers, sometimes looking back can bring clarity to moving forward. Reflection time.
Have you ever had a moment when you heard a song, or looked at old pictures that made you reflect on the obstacles you have overcome?
What triggered my moment of reflection was the simple task of ordering dinner. For some people ordering dinner is not a big deal. There was a time when I used to think that people who ordered dinner were lazy. The real truth is I didn’t think I was worth giving myself a break from cooking. I thought I was wasting money. Money that I worked hard to earn, and as crazy as it might seem at the time I wasn’t aware that some of that hard earned money should be spent on me.
When I think back on how badly I treated myself feeling that some of the good things in life I wasn’t worthy of. All I did was work and worried about paying bills and having enough. I was in a horrible cycle of lack. The conversation I had with myself was about all the things that I shouldn’t buy and places that I couldn’t afford to go. I grind myself into debt, and no savings, which lead to more negative self conversations about lack. I became increasingly angry.
I watched with envy as others around me enjoyed life and I wondered what was their secret? I was jealous of women who wear nice clothes, designer bags, manicured nails, and stylish hair, oh and did I mention the killer makeup.
I don’t know what I was thinking or why? Back in the day before I lost myself in the world of becoming a achiever by acquiring a college education and joining the crabs in the barrel crawling my way up the ladder of success; thus buying into someone else’s version of the ” American Dream,” but in my case my struggles lead to a ” nightmare.” I got so caught up in a fantasy and forgot to live, and enjoy the moments that gave me pleasure, instead I was looking for the big bang.
Well it took hitting a few brick walls to shake me back into reality. I never achieved the level of success by society standards, instead, I discovered my purpose, I deeply enjoy teaching, blogging, creating podcasts and my YouTube channels ( conversations with J R Floyd), and soon to be author of two more books. I am finally learning how to be comfortable with the person I am and it’s amazing.
This summer ( 2021) I am going to achieve one of my biggest dreams on my bucket list. I am driving cross country from New York City to California, stopping at Mount Rushmore and the Grand Canyon. Yes, I am going to take the famous route 66. I am 57 years old and the days of putting off living life is over. I can retire at the age of 62, in the meantime, I am building a tiny in a city with a warm climate where I can continue to write, lecture and travel.
I can’t make up for lost time, but I can enjoy the road ahead.
Thank you for stopping by dragthepen