Today is the Day. The Chase is Over.

Dear Readers, 

It all came down to today. This is the day. The chase is over. I am 56 years old and I have finally reached the moment of full clarity, peace and the healing process is getting better and better. The feelings of heaviness, fear, anger, and resentment these emotions and voices will no longer have the power to burden me and whisper to me that I am not worth it. My healing process began in 1992 and at the time I thought that it would take me about a year to heal from the damage of my childhood, an abusive marriage, and what I didn’t know was from years of more abusive relationships that included the intimate relationships and family and friends. Let me tell you this  when you find yourself on the path to healing from emotional, sexual and physical brokenness don’t expect the people closest to you to be supportive, in some cases they are the people who will become obstacles on your journey, and you will have to make the choice to leave them behind with the rest of the wreckage. 

Today is the day that I can release years of pain, suffering, anger, and the struggles of chasing after the unknown. Today is the day I understand that what kept me prisoner was how I was thinking, and becoming a slave to the idea that my life was worthless because I haven’t become the success of the American dream. I don’t own a house, a car, and I don’t make a six figure salary. I berated myself mentally for not getting it right and for having to start over and over. When I think back on how many years that I didn’t feel loved , but search for love and the whole time I didn’t love me because I thought that it was the duty of others to love me, and my anger grew when I didn’t receive love. I  used sex as a means to feel. I was dead inside, but I thought sex would make me feel something, The only result of this behavior was more emptiness and being used as an object of pleasure, and not being cherished as a whole being. 

Today, Friday, July 24, 2020 as I sit in my bedroom with tears flowing, pouring out all the suffering, pain, uncertainty, and years of dying over and over and reliving the same tragedy over and over, I was numb and bitter. I was a slave to depression, eating orders and carrying around the  negative labels that others heaped on me because I believed them. I am not ashamed to say that I never fully experienced a mother’s love, but I am no longer going to allow that to drag me down.  On July 20, 2020, we celebrated my mother’s 76th birthday and I am enjoying the relationship we presently have.  I am no longer struggling, no let me rephrase that I am no longer choosing to struggle or to see life as a struggle. There are challenges, but I don’t choose to see them as a problem or a negative experience.  

I am thankful for all the intimate relationships that did not work out because they were not the ones for me and each one taught me a lesson. I am thankful for all the friends that left me when I was at my darkest moment because these people enlighten  me how to carefully invest in true friendship. I am thankful for this time of being alone in my own space because it has prepared me to understand who I am and to never allow loneliness to rear its ugly head to force me into the fear of running into another dysfunctional relationship so that I would be distracted from continuing on my journey of healing. I am thankful for being sheltered in place, although the world continues to be in chaos I have used this time to center myself in a state of peace. I am thankful for being able to work from home. I am thankful for the gifts and talents I have discovered that keep me free from  thinking that I will spend the rest of my life a slave to punching a time clock.  I am thankful for the friends and family who stuck with me through all of my drama. I am thankful for my blogging community. 

Today is the day that I released that I have a wealth of experiences to share by publishing my books on amazon. I am thankful for the creations of Conversations with J.R. Floyd, that gives me a public voice on all major social media platforms to help others to heal.  It’s been a bumpy and  dark, but amazing journey and I know that life is better because I am making it better. 

Who am I? I am J. R. Floyd , Inspirational Coach, Author, Singer, and Educator, currently works as a College Writing Consultant. A winner of the Jacob A. Weiser play-writing award for her work The Conversation. She was a freelance writer for Street News, and appeared in the gospel play Oh Lord: Why Did I get Married?She is a member of the BMCC Downtown Chorus. Performed at Carnegie Hall in the Manhattan Concert Productions: Let you Voice Be Heard, 2019. Author of The Waiting Game, A Different Flavor of Love & 90 Days of Reflection, Discovery, & Renewal.  

Thank you for stopping by dragthepen.

90 days let the newness begin.

Dear Friends,

I did not start out looking for a husband I was committed to being single. I was comfortable with my ONENESS. I did not consider myself lonely and I was not afraid to be with ME. Out of frustration I made the decision to give up dating and my search for Mr.…… Two years into my self-imposed isolation I was happy to go to a peaceful home after long days of toiling at work and fighting the grind of riding public transportation. A benefit of living alone is having the space and leisure to do as one please, and besides my boxer jo-jo I enjoyed not being responsible for another person besides Jo-jo.  Two years turned into three and so on.

In my seventh year of being with ME I had drafted three manuscripts, two that I self-published, joined a classical chorus, acquired a second part time job, and finally started the process to complete my master’s in education. Life was GOOD. I was so busy being busy that I did not pay attention to the train wreck that was going to derail me from my mission as a writer and educator, take away my peace, and cause me deep emotional damage, and by the time I emerged from the darkness of the twisted wreckage; I would be lift with the task of rebuilding my life one part at a time. The result I am back in therapy.

This time around I needed to do more than heal my heart and soul from being broken and abandon. I need to step in the room of recovery and address my pain give this pain a name stare it in the face and have a conversation with it. I begin by saying that I was not looking for a husband because I never made it passed the engagement stage. My prince charming wooed me for a year. During our courtship he showed me the person who he needed to be. His true self reared its ugly head the moment I moved into his place. He transformed into a moody, clingy, needy, overbearing, insecure, NAG. He laid down the law by preaching to me about the type of wife he wanted me to be. He made it clear under no circumstances did he see how I could balance both being a wife and continuing with my teaching career, and my hobby as a writer. blogger, classical singer and finding time to keep up with my YouTube channel. This coming from the same man that while living under separate roofs supported me and besides my son became my greatest cheering section. He wanted me to choose. I stayed 90 days. I stayed because I thought that I was living through a short nightmare and that I would wake up. No. This was no nightmare, what I was living through was real.

I left because I could not stay in a relationship that does not value and support me. I am starting over again, but this time is going to be different. I will not sweep my feelings under the rug and just move on. I will address my pain and confusion and address the things that I’ve ignored in my life and heal those parts of me that are still hiding and hurting.

What say you?

This was just part of my story I am not going bore you with all the details that truly lead to write this handbook. While there are millions of self-help books and guides on the market, but how many of them really help people to take a deeper look into how to survives and revive your life after the devastation brought on by the end of a relationship/marriage. We are talking about people who have invested years of emotions, money, and time. Many have raised children fought through infidelity, maybe a death of a spouse, or those who have been married a second and for that marriage to fail. When a relationship is ending we spend so much time and energy being angry and fighting that when the final chapter closes very few people know how to begin again. On August 24, 2018, after a year of wooing me and a 90-day engagement I decided to leave. Normally, I could bounce back and move forward, but the ending of this relationship made me understand that something was different about this ending. I had to do more then just push past my emotions keep my head up and keep moving.

I took a full look at myself in the mirror and found it difficult to recognize me, my appearance changed drastically over a year and I wasn’t happy at the person looking back at me. I let myself go because I was too busy trying keep up with two jobs, church duties, and saying yes to all the other stuff that we tend to cram into an already hectic schedule, all this while trying to be all that I can be for the relationship.

After the break up I had to relocate a distance from the city because I could afford to pay the rent. I was angry because he got to stay, and I had to bear the expense of moving again. But as I grew use to my new surrounding that came with complete quiet and a running track right next to me I began to walk that track and the hill that the track was built on and that when I got the idea. 90 days, even though I said that I was going to take a year to slow down and refocus my life, take 90 days to jump start this process.

Some people go out and have a complete make over hoping that the instead change in appearance will help them work through the pain. There are those who go in the opposite directions they close themselves off from the world, they eat, or drink only to end up in an addiction program. Because most people cannot deal with how to pick up their lives, not for the sake of moving on, but to completely rebuild their lives better, not to prove that they can survive to their exes, but to be better for themselves.

What I am proposing is 90 days of intense focusing on areas that have been neglected. The emphasis should be on self-care start by reevaluating health, consider therapy not just to talk about the feelings of ending the relationship, but how to be a better you, and most importantly slowing down. When I was alone with my thoughts I realized that I was so busy being busy that I was not paying attention. I welcome slowing down, cutting the extra hours at work to make time for therapy, my women’s’ group, and to journal. I truly hope that when you reach the end of your 90 days that you feel emotionally stronger better, be on a healthier physically, have mental clarity, and emerge with a new direction and be prepared to live.

During this journey I will journal as much as I can about day to day my experience. I have neglected my health during the entire year that I’ve allowed myself to be distracted. I am going to put great effort into a 90-day vegan diet. In addition to clean eating I will return to exercise, I use to enjoy walking, going to the gym, yoga, and playing tennis. What happened is that the mistake that many we make is that we sacrifice the areas of our life that brings us happiness for the sake of the relationship. In my case my partner purposely interfered with my schedule. The lesson I learned from that is that I have to stand my ground when it comes down to doing the activities that are important. Another change instead of my weekly to do list, I will reduce all extra activities, and make my weekly list meaningful and productive.

Finally, I spoke about distraction, I got caught off guard I should have been paying attention to the warning sign that my ex was given off. Being busy cost me a lot, during these 90 days, social media will be used only for updating my blog. I will hold myself accountable for keeping the journal entries as current as possible. So, with that said let the journey begin.

Day one, August 27, 2018. I did not go into this 90-day plan thinking that the storm was over, and the universe would cut me some slack. Ha! I arrived at work fresh and ready to get back into my groove. I was thinking the only thing I need now is to get back on track with work. Not that I am going to use work as a distraction, but I was eager to get back to teaching. I was meet with this memo: short version the department has decided that they would cut my hours. I had an immediate melt down in front of everyone. Long story short after spending most of the work day going from one office to the next, another department was more than happy to restore my hours. Instead of me taking a step back and breath I ate a muffin. Oh well.  Tomorrow Gym Day.

8:30pm, the day is done and all I want to do is make it home. Upon leaving my place of employment I discovered that a long-time co-worker and friend had retired and soon after passed away. Again, for the second time tears flowed. I knew this person for 15 years, he was the kind, funny, a great smile and he could tell some funny jokes. I boarded the train and couldn’t wait to get home and bury my face in my pillow and cry. 89 more days to go.

“To Every Thing there is a Season”-Ecc 3:1

Dear readers,

Spring Break takes on various meanings depending on who you ask. For Educators and students, it’s a much-needed break before the state exams. For some families, it’s time spent sitting at the Easter and Passover dinner table. For me it’s all the above and more. Spring break is a time of slowing down, and restoration. A time to stop and inhale the newness of nature, and to start planning for summer vacation, and all the other things that entering a period of slowing allows us to do. So, this week of Spring Break, I am grateful for peaceful mornings, a shorter work week, warmer weather, and with the blooming of fresh flowers, the universe has blessed me with a new friend.  And for this I am Immensely humbled.

What Say You?