The Desires of a Womans Heart

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Dear readers, a few words to the ladies

Women should not be passive but be an active participant when seeking a partner. I am not a relationship expert, psychologist nor do I have answers to fixing relationship problems. dragthepen is an open platform to discuss issues that impact our relationships. With that said, ladies when choosing a partner and noticed I didn’t say husband. Here are a few tips to keep in mind. First, you don’t have to settle. Settling is for women who have given up on who she deserves and takes the cluncker behind door number two and live a life of regret.

Deep in a women heart she desires:

A partner who understands the value of working together for a successful partnership.

A partner who sees her as she is and not who he wants her to be (this is what happens when you settle).

A partner who believes in her goals and vision and is willing to be supportive, proud and patient.

A partner who doesn’t burden her with his emotional baggage and want her to be a therapist.

A partner who doesn’t treat her like his personal maid, cook, and a sexual object.

A partner who understands a womans need for alone time.

A partner who doesn’t asked to go 50/50 on the bills ( ladies that’s called a roommate and a free lay).

Women desire to have a partners they can confident in and not have past experiences or mistakes thrown in her face. Women are tired of litte boys and want men who are emotional mature, stable and is open and ready for a monogamous relationship. Women want a partner who is willing to tell the truth even if it’s going to hurt. A man who knows how to hold her hand when the tears are flowing and embrace her when the world comes crashing down.

Ladies seek a partner who understands that compassion, truth, loyalty, communication, cooperation, support, understanding, patience, and team work will win your heart.

Ladies leave those players, pretender, representatives and visitors alone.

Thank you for stopping by dragthepen.

The Great Valentine’s Day Myth

Dear readers,

Here we go again. Another Valentine’s Day or as I call it a day for SUCKERS. Valentine’s Day is a day for some women to hold men hostage for “A RING”. A few women will receive roses, that will dry up and die just like the relationship they are in. The majority of women who get excited on Valentine’s Day, do so because this is the only day out of an entire  year when their partner will express love towards them.

My hope for women on this Valentine’s Day is for them to know their own worth, and stop measuring how someone else sees their value. Women of all ages must understand the value of self-love rather than waiting for someone to show love to them. You are more precious than any DIAMOND RING. You have a beauty that Surpasses the life of any ROSE. Don’t buy into the myth that Valentine’s Day is that one special day to show your loved. The Bible says that” Love is patient, Love is kind, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hope, always perverse. ( 1 Corn 13:4-7) NIV. LOVE DOESN’T LAST JUST FOR ONE DAY. 

What Say You?

Thoughts from the Mad Dater

Its Sunday, a beautiful warm spring day in New York City.  There are many events taking place throughout the five boroughs. I want to go out and explore, instead of staying home alone doing the same old things. While writing this  I am sitting in my back yard, sipping coffee, and reminiscing about the things I miss about having Him in my life. Things like planning date night or a weekend getaway. The excitement of time spend with Him deepening  the bond between us. I miss having Him make the coffee, and cooking weekend breakfast together. Doing the Sunday Times crossword puzzle with Him, instead of with the computer or dictionary.

Today is a good day for strolling through the park or a street fair holding hands with Him. I miss eating brunch and laughing at His corny jokes.. I don’t get flowers anymore, of course I buy them for myself; but,  I miss getting flowers from Him just because…. I’ve spent many weekends, Valentines days, holidays, weddings and other family gathers, watching couples smiling, laughing, sharing warmth and love; and I wonder, when will I meet the one that is just right for me? To hug Him at the end of  the day, to have His smile greet  me at the start of the day. Him, my best friend, confidant, my road dog, partner in crime, my equal, my lover, and husband. Him.

Dear Readers, if you have that someone special in your life, never take them for granted, love and always forgive the little things, hold hands, share hugs when ever possible, remember why you were attracted to them, and make every moment count because LONELINESS IS A KILLER.

WHAT SAY YOU?

Brokenness

Dear readers,

When God said, “It is not good for man to be alone. I will make him a helper” his originals intention of creating a helper (partner) is for man and woman to walk together side by side as comparable partners. In today’s society, people in partnerships (relationships) are struggling to raise above the nonsense of unrealistic  rules set forth by a society that thrives on dividing men and women by creating foolish  relationship does and don’ts aimed at suppressing women thus moving men in a place of superiority. The main cause for partnerships falling apart is the need for control resulting in the partnership becoming a dictatorship because there is a feeling of OWNERSHIP. People become trapped in these types of partnerships and they often become a dangerous and violent situation. The question is not why, but how. During the dating or courtship, stage the individual who wished to woo their perspective partner will show who they need to be until they are sure that they have completely captured their perspective partner under a spell of lust and love, this is when they show their true self. And the true self isn’t the person who enticed them. Millions of men and women are taught misleading lessons about their role in a partnership, they are told false relationship myths, and bear the wounds of destructive relationships. Some experiences come in the form of dysfunctional families, spousal and child abuse, and abandonment issue meaning that some people choose to remain in a dictatorship in fear of being alone. Men and women are  burden with mistrust and lack the knowledge and skills to communicate their emotions, so they suffer in silence. Partnerships are hindered by the baggage that each person has not resolved thus expecting their mate to be their therapist. Men and women feel the need to control their partner because they have lived a life where others had control over them and they could fight back. These personality types will slowly crush their partners mentally, verbally, emotionally, sexually and financially. These cycles of abuse people have experienced in their past. Sadly, we obverse partnerships like these in our own families, and among our friends, people whisper about the abuse, but do not speak out. Until we as a society understand that, sometimes it also takes a village to help develop and sustain healthy and long-lasting partnerships by addressing the brokenness of each individual the cycle will continue. Thus creating the next generations of broken partnerships, haven’t we had enough?

What say You?

 

 

Images vs Reality

Dear Readers,

“Great expectations, big letdowns” this adage seems to sum up my feelings about people who enter into relationships/partnerships holding their mate’s hostage because of impossible expectations. We have become a society that has stop accepting people for who they are and allowing them to be themselves. Instead, we have these grandiose ideas and stinking thinking about what we want our mates to be and how we feel they should behave. This is due to the   images and fantasies that’s created in our heads. In other words, we place people in boxes.

We all have faults and pet peeves and so one…These characteristics do not mean that somebody needs to come alone and rescue an individual, new flash, you shouldn’t form a relationship to save or change your partner. Stand still take a moment and open your eyes and see the person in front of you, the person you say you love, get rid of the wish list of the person you’re creating in your mind. While you’re looking at that person ask yourself what attracted you to him/her? When we develop a relationship, we don’t do so blindly unless you’re not paying attending to the things that you should. Did you spend time talking and observing your partner? When you walked down that aisle and stood before God and man and say, “I do” it was yes, to the wedding vows and the personality traits that you said wasn’t a problem. Are you being respectful of your partners wishes or are you trying to bend them to your will? I like to sleep on my off days, I don’t like loud noise and ironing, and above all I like a clean, clean house. My fiancé know these things about me and he is respectful of them. On the other hand, he isn’t the neatest person, he procrastinates, he drinks way too much coffee (my person opinion), he has a sweet tooth, and he gets up early on Saturdays. I know these things about him and never have I once asked him to change who he is. We understand that for our marriage to be a long-lasting union, we will have to learn how to live with, work out and around the little faults and pet peeves. At the end of the days he is the man who I chose to be in my life until death does it part.

The point is stop living in denial and be present relationships are not fantasies and fairy tales. We all have our eye on that princes or princess open your eyes he/she is standing in front of you.

 

What Say You?

In the Spirit of LOVE

Dear Readers,

Someone comes into your life after many seasons of broken and dysfunctional relationships; He/She said “I love you” and the expectation is to respond, “I love you.” What happens when you do not feel this heart-pounding, palm sweaty, gitty LOVE? You are happy with the companionship and camaraderie of the relationship. You have opened your heart to caring for someone who have brought joy in your life that was dark and empty. However, there is the question of LOVE.

You are forced to evaluate your position in the relationship because your partner is not satisfied with how deeply you care for them he/she wants LOVE. What is LOVE? What is this LOVE that leads people to search until they have connected body and soul to their true soul mate; but disappointment comes because the LOVE you thought you found was confused with lust and infatuation. What is the secret for the couples who stayed together for 20, 20, 40 plus years?

I believe that the bond shared between people extend beyond the boundaries of the kind of LOVE that people mentally boxed themselves into. LOVE is a word that people carelessly throw around. LOVE is the reason why some people say they get married. No. you get married because you and your partner have vowed to love, honor, respect, and care for each other, while forsaking all others. These wedding vows have a deeper meaning then saying I LOVE You. We have all know a couple or two that have vowed to love and honor until death does its part, but at the first sign of trouble, they contact a divorce lawyer.

When my father passed I watched my mother stare at his closed casket and after 32 years of marriage, she said,” there goes my best friend.” That was 24 years ago and I still get goose bumps when I recall that moment. People say “I LOVE YOU.” For many different reasons. I say it is the intentions behind and what is in the heart of the person who says “I LOVE YOU.”

I will say this I will never judge a person based on how much I think he/she loves or does not’ love me. People express LOVE in various ways. Because we have our narrow vision of what we want LOVE to be sometimes we miss extraordinary experiences because we close our eyes to LOVE.

Think about this the next time someone holds your hand. When a stranger flashes an authentic smile, the kind that light sparkles in their eyes. When you receive, a hug and the person squeeze you and holds on for a few extra seconds.When you receive a card that say, “Thinking of You.”

When a stranger shows an act of kindness by paying for your coffee. Think about the time when you were at the end of the rope and just when you let go, someone caught you and helped you to hold on. LOVE is in every moment of each day. Do not close your heart, soul and mind to that spirit of love that flows around us every day.

What Say You?

 

Til Death Do Us Part

Dear readers,

I recently attended a wedding for my longtime friend Cindy, and best road dog ever. After missing her for two months due to the honeymoon and the newlyweds moving into their new condo; we finally had a chance to meet at our favorite coffee shop to exchange holiday gifts, and to share our usual sinfully delicious cinnamon bun and hot chocolate.

I couldn’t wait to hear about the happy life of wedded bliss. She showed me pictures of the wedding and honeymoon, and we talked about the unpacking of her fabulous new residence. During the conversation I sensed that she wasn’t enjoying the ecstasy of marriage. I stop the conversation and looked her straight in her eyes and said” this is me your bestie, road dog, and do or die sistah for life, what are you not telling me?” I wasn’t prepared for her answer, it blew my mind.

She said, “I waited for my prince to come, since the disaster of my first marriage, I’ve waited twenty five years, prepared myself, by acquired a good education, and securing the career of my dreams, along the way I’ve had my share of being disappointed, but I held into hope that my prince would come. I’m 55 and Bennie is 8 years my senior. He’s been a hardworking man and will soon retire with a good income, and no plans as to what he will do with himself. My new husband enjoys traveling, something that I can look forward too. He is humorous, generous, attentive, respectful of my needs and supportive of my career goals.”

Me: “Ok. So, what’s the problem?”

Cindy: “Yes, it all sounds good, but on the second day of the honeymoon, I realized that I settled.”

Me: “I’m confused you just rumbled off a list a of positive qualities about Bennie.”

Cindy: “It became clear to me that on our honeymoon he doesn’t have the energy to keep pace with me socially and physically. He is a slow thinker, not very creative, has no hobbies, and he isn’t in the best of health. I knew about his bad knees and the hip, but I found out about the gout and sciatica. Bennie will be able to provide a lovely home for me, but I fear that as he gets older out quality of life will decline and I will become his caretaker.”

Me: “Why didn’t you continue to wait for someone in your age range?”

Cindy: “I settled because I didn’t want to wait too long; and the list of the qualities that I wanted in my partner was getting shorter and shorter. I settled because I lost hope and I didn’t want to risk being along for the reminder of my days. I settled because I felt beaten down by life, I gave up, surrendered my list, shallowed my pride and throw in the towel so to speak.”

Me: “Do you love him?”

Cindy: “I don’t think about that what I have with Bennie is companionship, a great travel partner, a man who is concern for my needs, he knows his duties as a husband and is eager to have me as his wife.”

Me: “Sounds one sided.”

Cindy: “No, it’s not, I will do all that I can to see that Bennie is happy and taken care of. His home will be well-kept, he will eat a well-balanced and healthy diet. We will go to the gym together because he like to try to keep fit. I have every intention of honoring my marriage vows. Anyway, let’s change the subject. I want to tell you about the dinner party me and Bennie will host.”

And just like that Cindy was able to forget all that she said to me. While she talked about the party. My mind went back to all that she had said, and I wondered, how many others have settled, but don’t have the guts to admit it.

What say you

 

 

 

 

The Relationship Talk

You said “I’m running away,” but when I look down my feet are firmly planted on the ground.

You said, “I’m not willing to give in and let myself go.”

So, I said, “self-let’s think about this running away, giving in and letting go.” I’ve spent many days and nights pondering silently and sometimes speaking aloud about this “running away, giving in and letting go.” And I’ve come to concluded; what I am running away from the old stale, complacent, routine of a “RELATIONSHIP,” and the lack of romance, no not sexual intercourse, but good ole fashion remember the flowers, a love note or card, holding hands and a gift on date night just because.

I’m running away from being suffocated by a partner who continually whimpering about the lack of attention, which translates into not enough sex. Running from the idea that I owe wifely duties without the ring. Running away from not being supported, respected, valued and permitted space to grow as an individual.  Running away from the proposed thinking that we are one, Yep, when I think about it, I am running……..

Part 2, the unwillingness to give in. I do not quit comprehend what is meant by the term “give in.” Repeatedly in my mind I said “give in; give in” until the meaning became clear, don’t you mean, “Give up?”  Give up my time, passion and aspirations for the well-being of the “RELATIONSHIP” because there is no longer me, I, or self, but we, us and ours.

Finally, “letting myself go.” Hmmmmm…Go where and why? Do you mean immersing myself into the abyss of the “RELATIONSHIP” so deep that I forget who I am, and what I want out of this life, my life? Do you see where I am going with this?  I am running away, unwilling to give in and not letting go because…………..maybe you don’t need to know why?

This is what you should know. I would run towards and hold onto a man who truly understands and illustrates the qualities of what it means to be committed “PARTNERSHIP.” I am willing to give into and let myself go to walk on the wild side, with a man who accepts me as I am and sees’ the value of having me as their life partner.

I would like to feel secure and cared for by a man who is supportive of my career goals, ministry, and love for pets, romance and quite time. I am not willing to run to or give into and let myself go for a temporary lay or for Mr. Right now. I am willing to take a chance on always and forever.

What Say You?

The Great Valentine’s Day Myth

Dear readers,

Here we go again. Another Valentine’s Day or as I call it a day for SUCKERS. Valentine’s Day is a day for some women to hold men hostage for “A RING”. A few women will receive roses, that will dry up and die just like the relationship they are in. The majority of women who get excited on Valentine’s Day, do so because this is the only day out of an entire  year when their partner will express love towards them.

My hope for women on this Valentine’s Day is for them to know their own worth, and stop measuring how someone else sees their value. Women of all ages must understand the value of self-love rather than waiting for someone to show love to them. You are more precious than any DIAMOND RING. You have a beauty that Surpasses the life of any ROSE. Don’t buy into the myth that Valentine’s Day is that one special day to show your loved. The Bible says that” Love is patient, Love is kind, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hope, always perverse. ( 1 Corn 13:4-7) NIV. LOVE DOESN’T LAST JUST FOR ONE DAY. 

What Say You?

Making the List

Dear Santa,

I want a bestfriend I can sleep with, make love to, travel with, shop with, dream with, and live with. I want a life partner, someone that I can laugh with and build with. Somebody that I can trust with my heart, my money, and my life. Somebody I’m not afraid to lose because I know they’ll Always be there.  A relationship with love and loyalty, I’ll take that.

Thank you Santa.

What Say You?