Wednesday October 4, 2017, I was sitting in my bedroom pouring my soul into my journal, ranting about how humanity has left me feeling abandon, unloved and an outcast, in a society where people prefer to engage in a relationship with their technical devices, instead of connecting with people. At 11:35pm, my mobile phone rings, I saw my youngest sisters’ name on the screen, I said “shit” took a deep breath and answered.
“sis, what’s wrong?”
“Donavan committed suicide.”
Silence. Time Stopped.
My handsome 22-year-old nephew, a recent college graduate, received a new car from his proud father, and on his way to a career in law enforcement. A young man with a spotless record, choir member and church usher; felt that he no longer wanted to live. Days after this tragic event people are asking why? If I had the answer would that knowledge bring him back?
We live in a society where there is an increasing number of teens and young adults committing suicide, and the only question people are asking is why? My family has been devastated by such a sudden and violent death. When the family gathers we don’t talk much, we stare into space and go through the motions of planning his final service.
His mother, my sister asked me to write something nice for his obituary. After many tears soaked pages, I finally wrote these words.
Yesterday, the sky was a blazed with stars so bright they lead me home.
Yesterday, I saw your smiling face, happy with hope, faith, and peace.
Today, the Sun shined radiantly I saw your smile in the warmth of the rays.
Tonight, no stars, and the smiling, peaceful, hopeful, faithful face is no more.
The Sun has gone down. In his rest my beloved nephew struggles no more against the trails of life, loveless days, and the pain that he was unable to express. Yesterday, silence. Today there is Peace.
It started at the age of 30. I secured my freedom on the road to becoming self-sufficient. The delicious thrill of being on my own, living, thinking and having time for me.
I was married at the age of 24. The first two years was stella. The last four years were like scenes from Dante’s Inferno. At the age of 30 with the help of my family and friends I escaped.
Twenty three years later, four degrees, one self-published novel, three successful seasons singing first Soprano with the New York City Downtown Chorus, and a supporting role in the Christian play “Oh Lord Why did I get Married?”
Hooray you say job well done.
So, why do I feel like a failure? Years of working three-part time jobs to pay for college and to keep a roof over my head. The end results I haven’t gotten that high paying dream career I worked so diligently to have.
I thought at this stage I would have a better partner to settle into a long-term loving relationship. Another pipe dream lost. The final blow I live in a state (New York City) where the landlord’s greed rules and even though everyone’s money is the color of green, if a person is white and can pay higher rent they are privileged to live in the best neighborhoods.
I am faced with making the choice of sharing an apartment after living in my own space for twenty-three years. I ask myself over and over, How can I co-habitate with a stranger? I am a clean freak, who likes a quite home, a peaceful home is important for me to keep my sanity.
OMG. The fear of seeing someone’s boyfriend coming out of the bathroom in his underwear. Someone eating my food or secretly going through my belongings. The real estate market is such that living on one’s own would require working a tremendous number of hours to cover the rent alone.
Today, I had an appointment at a roommate finders’ agency, the realtor asked me” what am I willing to give up to acquire a place where I can have all my belongings with me, and to make a fresh start.”
At this present moment, I don’t know how to answer that question.
What say you?
I am thankful for a peaceful morning. We need to become aware of the effects of NOISE. Too much chatter/ NOISE can have damaging affects on us mentally, NOISE prevents us from staying focus. NOISE is also physically draining. People are afraid of silence because they might hear what they need to hear and not what they want to hear. If you life lack clarity, I challenge you to try one day without TV, Radio, Social Media, turn off the Cell Phone, computer, JUST TURN OFF THE NOISE. Instead, take a walk, talk to your family, play a board game, read, or just sit in a favorite chair and BE Still.Today my strength is restore. I am grateful!
What Say you?
Today, I am grateful for my life. I’ve been observing the life style of some of my family and friends, and sometimes I secretly wished that I had what they have. But upon close investigation, I’ve come to understand that most of them that I’ve watched with the GREEN EYES of ENVY with all their material assets; house, cars, trips, expensive clothes, and other accessories, some of them lack peace and freedom. Let me explain, they seemed happy with all that they have gained, however, while a rare lunch date with my best friend, she confirmed my assumption, when she said, ” There are days that I wished that I could live like you.” I didn’t respond because I was thinking, she has a house, two cars, three beautiful children, and a husband who provides for her. She must be mad, I worked two jobs, ride public transportation ( took on the second job to save for a car), and I haven’t been in a relationship for six years.
Before I could question her, she continued. “I love my family, but I wished that I would have waited to live my life. You live free of the burdens of having to find a baby sitter for three kids in order to have date night, which is rare, or to go out with the few friends I have. Your house is always clean and quiet. In my house, I constantly hear voices, asking and demanding my time and attention. I’m totally depended on my husband financially and at time he is tight with money.Besides begin married for 15 years, having my children, I have nothing to show for what I have accomplished beyond my marriage. You travel, paid your way through college, published a book, your self-sufficient, and unlike the rest of the women in our circle you didn’t settle. When you marriage wasn’t working, you left and didn’t look back. Anyway, girl I’m venting, how is the new book coming?”
We continued to eat lunch and talked about my next book. We parted ways and when I arrived home, put the key in my door to be greeted by my dogs wagging tail of excitement, It was a that moment that I knew that I haven’t been grateful for my life. I have all that I need and my life is the exactly the way it should be.
What do you have to be grateful for?
Across the country much is being said about the wave of police shootings. Protesters are taking to the streets, and city leaders are asking for patients, peace, tolerance and unity. Yet, the violence against black men continues, and rascal tension persist between white officers in the African-American communities. While addressing an audience at St. Patrick Cathedral, Mayor Bill de Blasio said, ” We’re far, far from perfect but we’ve come a long way.” I say, ” We are moving back wards.”
They say, ” Black Lives Matter.” I say, ” All life Matter”
In the words of Rodney King, a black male who was violently beaten by L. A. officers in 1992, at a press conference he asked, ” Can we all get along? Can we stop making it horrible for the older people and kids?… It’s just not right. We are all stuck here for a while. Lets try to work it out.”
What Say you?