Today is the Day. The Chase is Over.

Dear Readers, 

It all came down to today. This is the day. The chase is over. I am 56 years old and I have finally reached the moment of full clarity, peace and the healing process is getting better and better. The feelings of heaviness, fear, anger, and resentment these emotions and voices will no longer have the power to burden me and whisper to me that I am not worth it. My healing process began in 1992 and at the time I thought that it would take me about a year to heal from the damage of my childhood, an abusive marriage, and what I didn’t know was from years of more abusive relationships that included the intimate relationships and family and friends. Let me tell you this  when you find yourself on the path to healing from emotional, sexual and physical brokenness don’t expect the people closest to you to be supportive, in some cases they are the people who will become obstacles on your journey, and you will have to make the choice to leave them behind with the rest of the wreckage. 

Today is the day that I can release years of pain, suffering, anger, and the struggles of chasing after the unknown. Today is the day I understand that what kept me prisoner was how I was thinking, and becoming a slave to the idea that my life was worthless because I haven’t become the success of the American dream. I don’t own a house, a car, and I don’t make a six figure salary. I berated myself mentally for not getting it right and for having to start over and over. When I think back on how many years that I didn’t feel loved , but search for love and the whole time I didn’t love me because I thought that it was the duty of others to love me, and my anger grew when I didn’t receive love. I  used sex as a means to feel. I was dead inside, but I thought sex would make me feel something, The only result of this behavior was more emptiness and being used as an object of pleasure, and not being cherished as a whole being. 

Today, Friday, July 24, 2020 as I sit in my bedroom with tears flowing, pouring out all the suffering, pain, uncertainty, and years of dying over and over and reliving the same tragedy over and over, I was numb and bitter. I was a slave to depression, eating orders and carrying around the  negative labels that others heaped on me because I believed them. I am not ashamed to say that I never fully experienced a mother’s love, but I am no longer going to allow that to drag me down.  On July 20, 2020, we celebrated my mother’s 76th birthday and I am enjoying the relationship we presently have.  I am no longer struggling, no let me rephrase that I am no longer choosing to struggle or to see life as a struggle. There are challenges, but I don’t choose to see them as a problem or a negative experience.  

I am thankful for all the intimate relationships that did not work out because they were not the ones for me and each one taught me a lesson. I am thankful for all the friends that left me when I was at my darkest moment because these people enlighten  me how to carefully invest in true friendship. I am thankful for this time of being alone in my own space because it has prepared me to understand who I am and to never allow loneliness to rear its ugly head to force me into the fear of running into another dysfunctional relationship so that I would be distracted from continuing on my journey of healing. I am thankful for being sheltered in place, although the world continues to be in chaos I have used this time to center myself in a state of peace. I am thankful for being able to work from home. I am thankful for the gifts and talents I have discovered that keep me free from  thinking that I will spend the rest of my life a slave to punching a time clock.  I am thankful for the friends and family who stuck with me through all of my drama. I am thankful for my blogging community. 

Today is the day that I released that I have a wealth of experiences to share by publishing my books on amazon. I am thankful for the creations of Conversations with J.R. Floyd, that gives me a public voice on all major social media platforms to help others to heal.  It’s been a bumpy and  dark, but amazing journey and I know that life is better because I am making it better. 

Who am I? I am J. R. Floyd , Inspirational Coach, Author, Singer, and Educator, currently works as a College Writing Consultant. A winner of the Jacob A. Weiser play-writing award for her work The Conversation. She was a freelance writer for Street News, and appeared in the gospel play Oh Lord: Why Did I get Married?She is a member of the BMCC Downtown Chorus. Performed at Carnegie Hall in the Manhattan Concert Productions: Let you Voice Be Heard, 2019. Author of The Waiting Game, A Different Flavor of Love & 90 Days of Reflection, Discovery, & Renewal.  

Thank you for stopping by dragthepen.

Rebirth

Dear Readers,  Two years, I embarked on a journey of healing due to many failed relationships. As a result I have leaned a great deal about myself and how I have contributed to these failed unions. During the the 720 days spent on self care, reading books, yoga, meditation, sitting in silence  and other forms of healing; I wrote 90 journal entries in 90 days of intense thinking. I choose to publish my journal into a book: 90 days of Reflection, discovery and Renewal…..release date for my birthday March 25, 2020. This 90 days of reflection, discovery, and renewal is a personal journey of deep contemplation and a search for answers to a life in a constant battle with tragedy, depression, and hopelessness. For some people hitting a brick wall knocks the life out of them. My collision lead to a level of clarity to understand how unnecessary distractions and being unaware caused my life to veer of course. My experiences have taught me that sometimes a second chance can lead to a new beginning.

 

Since my troubles started because of relationship drama what I learned from this two year journey of healing. I no longer invite men to sleep over because my bed is my scared space. I stopped having house dates, and Netflix chill nights. I require men to call instead of texting me. Date night has to be at a decent time. I no longer except late night calls. I require to be picked up at my door and returned to my residence without the expectation of being asked to come in. I am no longer a wife in waiting as so many are sitting around waiting for Mr. Right. Done that rode that horse and was thrown to the ground too many times. I am thankful for the lessons I have learned. I choose to spend the remaining days of my life making myself priority number 1, focus on my spiritual growth, and getting close to my grandchildren. Deeply thankful that relationships with men are no longer an🥂 intrusion in my life.

 

 The Waiting game is book that challenges the relationship myths women are expected to follow and can be beneficial to men as well because it opens up our perspective on relationships and how women really feel. Great read so far. I suggest checking it out on Amazon.
👉🏽The Waiting Game 

The lost Value of Relationships

Dear Readers,

It no longer takes a village because we live in a world that has lost the  meaning, value and  the foundation of relationships. There is so much separation of people due to race, class and economic status. We tend to view relationships as obligations or as inconvenience if there is nothing to gain. We place requirements and conditions in order to engage in relationships……I say more in this vlog. Thank you for watch.

 

 

For These Reasons

Dear readers,

I am a firm believer that people aren’t meant to be alone. When I say alone I am referring to being without a capable partner. Being alone in today’s society is a choice that more and more people are making because they not open to the unnecessary relationship drama. Let me clarify this statement a good long-term relationship takes effort, time, work and a lot of energy. Both partners must be willing to commit to working on their own personal growth, while supporting the foundation of their partnership. There will be certain aspects of a relationship that needs more work than other areas. If SACRIFICES have to be made it should be done for the improvement of the partnership, and no one person should feel that his or her needs are not being given equal attention this is called BALANCE. When a couple decides to cohabitate, there should not be a division of responsible based on GENDER. Yes, there will be things that your partner is better at doing such as laundry, and that’s ok.  In the house that I was raised there was no labeling of women chores versus what a man should and should not do in the home. My father’s theory was that men should contribute in the home as way means to show support, respect and love for his wife. In this way they model for their children how a family unit work together as a team.

Communication between a man and women should be done on an open and fair level. I do not take kindly to my partner raising his voice at me and taking to me in a tone of a parent or   using profanity Remember harsh words that are said in the heat of anger are the words that hurt the most and they cause irreversible damage. A person can forgive but they will never forget. Relationships have changes because of misconceptions, unreasonable expectations, and learnt dysfunctional behavior. We have society of broken of men and women who have been abused played games, experienced deception by people they trust, lack love, compassion, and there is a shortage of individuals who desire to commit to an old-fashioned monogamous relationship. These factors and more have contribute to people throwing up their hands in submission and surrendering to being without a partner. I have seen an increase in people who prefer to adapt a pet then to become entangled with the unnecessary drama a relationship. And this is where I find myself, I am not weary of being without a partner, and yes, I have a dog named jo-jo, who greets me every morning and evening with excitement and love in his heart. Don’t get me wrong our partnership as owner and pet is not a perfect one. We have out days when he barks a little louder than usual and I cross my arms and stand my ground. There are days when he wants me to get up early because he wants to go out. There are days that he begs for some table scraps and I give in. But we have an unspoken bond. I take care of him, respect his space, give him my undivided attention when he is barking louder than usual, and in return I have a best friend for as long as life will allow us. Now who would want this?

What Say you?

Don’t forget to watch my Youtuve channel: Conversations with J. F. Floyd

amazon.com/author/rahshemahfloyd

STAY With Me

Dear Reader,

Commitment, promise, obligation, assurance or pledge, these are a few words that people use when they desire their partner to COMMIT to being involved in an exclusive relationship. To counteract this request men and women will come up with the most creative excuse as to why they do not want to seal the deal so to speak. In these modern times, developing a long-lasting partnership is becoming increasingly difficult to establish. The rules of partnership have changed because people want to test drive a relationship or want a trial period. Here are some facts people have been burnt, hurt, scorned, used, broken, and in some cases emotionally damaged beyond repair. Deep down inside we all desire to have a good, stable partnership, in my own personal opinion and experience relationships do not have to be as dramatic as some people make them. It is disparaging that we live in a society that seldom supports healthy relationships why? We are not creating an environment of support rather we turn our heads and pretend not to notice that couples, especially young couples are struggling with the basic knowledge of how to nurture each other and cultivate a solid foundation for their relationship. We live in a society where the means to fix a broken relationship is for each person to engage in relationships outside of their partnership, getting their needs meet because they claim that they are not receiving what they need from home. We have advanced into using any means necessary to avoid going home. Men calming they are working late and women take on projects that will keep them away from home. Better yet, one partner works in the daytime while the other works at night calming that this is the best solution for the children. There are hundreds if not thousands of books and article written by professional who claim to have a remedy to restore these damaged relationships. Maybe some of their suggestion and research-based solution might work for some, in the meantime, all of this dysfunction, drama and avoidance in relationships is all due to one simple word COMMIT.

What Say You?