No you can’t have my joy!

I refuse to allow anyone to steal my joy! Did you hear me? I refused to allow anyone to steal my joy! This is a confession of a former people pleaser that included allowing people to steal my joy. No, Don’t feel sorry for me I willingly participate in opening the path for people to come Into my life and steal my joy.
How did this happen? Let me explain.
I cared too much about other people’s opinions about me regardless if their judgement was right or wrong. I poured my heart and soul into doing whatever I could to make them like me.
I spend way too much time catering to other people’s needs and disobeyed that voice in my head that whispered ” what about you and what you need”. I was under the foolish impressions that people cared. It took me a long time to come to grips with the fact that people are only out for their best interest, and if they can use you its because your a means to an end.
For years I bite my tongue held my peace and refused to talk back to defend myself. I swallowed every insult and stood strong like a dummy and smiled while saying,” its ok.”
I did things I didn’t want to do and visited places I had no business going. I conspired against people because someone asked me to. I denied myself simple pleasures in life because I was too busy giving them to others who I felt deserved the blessing more than I did.
During all of this I carried a cinder block of unhappiness that I couldn’t explain. I was angry, but I did not know who to be angry at. This cycle continued for years until a incident happened that shook me to the core of my thinking. The first thought was to kiss up to the individual and get back on their good side. But that voice in my head overpowered me and roared No! We are not going to allow this situation to steal our joy! It was amazing. It was like I saw the sun for the first time. I asked myself why? Why should I bend because another person chooses to give me the silent treatment. No. No. No. I will not allow you to take my joy! I have armed myself, I have a plan, I am smiling because my plan doesn’t involve revenge, being angry or showing my discomfort. My choice is simply to go about each day and not allow you to steal my joy!
I refuse to be miserable. I refuse to lose sleep think of way to make things right. I refuse to submit to your will.
Today, and every day, I close the door and will not allow you to enter to steal my joy!

2017 Year in review

Dear readers,

I confess, guilty as charged, I am happy to say farewell to 2017; a year of tremendous physical, mental, spiritual, and financial struggles. In the process of reading, this please resists the urge to play the world smallest violin. This is not the ranting of a person who considers themselves a victim of life’s discomforts. I am in need of answers as to why since I decided to transform myself from a an unskilled, under paid healthcare worker, to earning a Master’s in Education, self-publishing two novels and while on this journey of reinventing myself, I’ve experienced very few highs and an enormous amount of lows.

Recently, I was displaced from my home of six years due to a Grinch of a property owner, who did not give me enough notice to locate a decent and affordable apartment. The word roommate has always terrified me, but almost being homeless has taught me that, what we fear, we may one day have to face. Currently, I have two roommates. A year and I am still trying to cope with the anger of having to abruptly dismantle my beautiful one bedroom apartment; and downsize to a large room. Therefore, I ate, ate, ate stuffing myself with sweets, bags of delicious greasy potato chips, pretzels, breads, and fried foods; anything to ease the pain and soften my bitterness. I have eaten my way into twenty extra pounds that I am charged with loosing or face developing some unwanted health issues that will complicate my life further.

Oh, it gets better.

After a long absence from the drama of dating, I met two middle-aged men (57-60) I felt at least one would be a good match. Wrong! Both were losers looking to relive the glory days of their youth. They want young, sexy, and perky girls. What a joke, who are they kidding, these old saggy men who private parts have more mileage than a grey hound bus.

Breath this is too much …….

Between moment of insanity and reality I stopped to think about my 22-year-old handsome nephew, newly college graduate, on October 4, 2017 he decided he no longer wanted to live. He held a gun to his head and in one clean shot ended his life.

I conclude we live in a society where individualism and greed is the norm; and we, us, and they  have been forgotten. Compassion has been replaced with hatred; and the creed “Am I my brother’s keeper” is now “mind your own business.” Moreover, genuine love can no longer be found in a society that is ruled by materialism and the mentality of Dog eats dog. To his I say,

Good riddance to 2017, Hello 2018 let the games begin.