Then the Darkness Came

Dear Readers, 

I knew what it was the moment I felt it. I went into fight mode. I didn’t want to feel it not now. After all I made it through the months of being sheltered in place without giving into that feeling, so why now?  I don’t need this darkness to invade my life, interrupting my sleep, pressing down on me and taking away my will to live. I want to be happy, I desire to be whole. After all the B.S. that I have fought back from and survived why is it coming around now? 

When the light goes away I can’t think my thoughts become heavy, and my body turns into a pillar of stone. The harder I fight back against the gloom that threatens to overwhelm me with waves of sadness and flashback from my past choking me, and robbing me of the chance to see the brightness of the sun and to breath fresh air. So, I sink deeper and deeper into despair. 

AND THEN THE DARKNESS CAME……

Since the age of 17 I have been in a battle for my life with Depression. The suffering and pain of   mental illness is REAL, and the challenge to get through each second, hour and an entire day, is like pushing a one tone boulder up a steep hill with one hand.  I consider myself to be one of the lucky people who have fought this battle without medication,  but at a high price. The demons of depression will robe your soul and suck any glimmer of light and hope that tries to emerge. 

Before you ask, there is no wishing mental illness away, a vacation won’t cure it, spa day will just give a temporary reprieve, and for all the PRICKS out there who think that people who have lots of money have no reason to be depressed, well, if you walked 24 hours in a person shoes who is suffering from depression, and experience the inner hell that takes over mind, soul and spirit, you will have a better understanding of this dark abyss of misery. 

I am lucky this time the depression only lasted a month and I am slowly returning to a temporary normal. I have a few projects I am working on and the depression has set me back, but you will be hearing from me very soon. 

Thank you for stopping by dragthepen

Word Wall part 2

Dear readers,

anger, sadness, frustration, rage, betrayal, rejection, disconnected, loneliness, longing, reconciliation

Anger is an emotion that we are entitled to feel and express, but if holding onto Anger past the letting go due date, Anger can fester and lead to great Sadness, Frustration and Rage. People Reject being around the Anger. Loneliness is the result of Longing to be Reconciled with those who Disconnected due to  Anger.

 

What Say You?

 

Just for today.

Dear Readers,

Today is that day. You know the day you just can’t seem to hold life together. People say push through, but why? Today,  I can’t just push through. Sometimes pushing through causes more harm than good. Today, is the day that I need to step back and work through this mist of fog.

I have been digging in and plowing through for months. Day by day, pushing down the emotional waves that threaten to overwhelm me, holding back tears, smiling, laughing, when I really want to scream out and crawl in a corner and be left alone. Having private conversations with that voice in my head, whispering ” I am okay”.  Today, I am not ok. I think about the thousands of people who go through life faking the funk lying  to themselves about being “ok”,  afraid of having a break down because people will judged them for  being weak. Shame on us for creating a society where its not good to admit that ” I am not okay”.

Today,  is my day to feel the emotional waves and let them do what they do. Today, is the day for the tears to flow. Today,  is the day for me to admit to the voice in my head that I am exhausted, depressed, and that I feel the pain of loneliness and isolation from friends and family. Today, I will lay in bed with the breakfast, while organzing  my personal projects.  I will quite my mind by reading and siping a glass of merlot. Awww the pleasures of life are short lived. I am counting the days until the month of June ends, and looking  forward to my vacation to California. In the meantime, at the close of this day I will take a warm bubble bath, indulging in a mani- pedi, burn my favorite candle ( vanilla) and prepare my mind and body to face the next day.

Thank you for reading💖

Join my new podcast on Sound Cloud: Conversations with J. R. Floyd

Word Wall part 2

Dear readers,

anger, sadness, frustration, rage, betrayal, rejection, disconnected, loneliness, longing, reconciliation

Anger is an emotion that we are entitled to feel and express, but if holding onto Anger past the letting go due date, Anger can fester and lead to great Sadness, Frustration and Rage. People Reject being around the Anger. Loneliness is the result of Longing to be Reconciled with those who Disconnected due to  Anger.

 

What Say You?