I Don’t Miss The Chaos

Dear Readers,

People often say, ” it’s the little things that matter.” I say the little things become the best parts of our lives. I often write about how grateful I am to experience living in peace, and for some people experiencing peace might not be such a big deal. On the contrary, for me reaching a level of clarity and understanding of how drama from outside and inside my home contributed to me sinking into depression is a very big discovery. As long as I have known myself, my life have been one long tragedy, and I didn’t know how or when I was going to get off the wild roller coaster of one traumatic experience after another. It seemed like I was a magnet for chaos. But I digress, today’s post isn’t about the emotional damage of depression, but how I’ve achieved inner peace, maintain a healthy emotional and mental balance, and why I am determined to protect the peace in my life.

I use to mistake the peace in my home as loinliness and a punishment for not settling for abusive and unhappy. relationships. I thought that the peace in my home was the costly price I’ve paid for choosing my emotional healing. I took for granted that the peace in my home was a means of me being selfish because I didn’t want others, especially a man to intrude, so I shut my doors keeping them out.

Some people think of me as being odd, an introvert, difficult to get along with, secretive, strange, and some say sneaky. I make no apologies I’ve changed, no I have been transformed, and I can’t run with the same pack anymore. In the presence of peace my creative mind is free of chatter and distractions of other people’s needs. In the moments of peace I soak in the presence of my own company, kicking up my feet and enjoying the sound of my own laugher because there is no one around to tell me that I am too loud.

My peace means freedom from the burdens of being criticize for being too much or not enough. My freedom means that I can choose to be or not to be. My peace is healing making me stronger, self reliance, and in my strength I am capable of achieving my goals, and to create the life I deserve without the burden of him or them reminding me of my limitations or should I say the limitations that others were placing on me. I respect and own my peace and freedom because I know the burden of living and only knowing chaos and dysfunctional environments. At my worse I know that there was another way to live, but I didn’t know how to get to the other side.

I write and share about my experiences because I know that there are others out there who are struggling to find peace in their homes and in their lives. There are people who claim to have it all, the home, career, money and the perfect relationship, but that’s only what we see on the outside. I personally know people who are glad for soical media to use as a means to fake and escape their unhappiness. I can’t tell you the countless times people have said to me, ” they wish for a little peace and alone time” or that ” they should have made better choices” and the big one,
” if they could turn back the hands of time they would live life differently.” Today, I am overjoyed that I am not one of those people, and l and don’t take for granted that I have the chance to live a better quality of life.

In the presence of my peace, I take my time making well throughout decisions. I don’t open the door inviting everyone into my life because I think that they are good people. My home is not just walls and floors it’s sacrificed. Everything in my home has meaning the colors, smells, the food I cook, and even the manner I clean my home represents me on the inside and outside, and all the people who I chose to enter my home will be a representative of my peace.

To be honest I never thought that I would see the day when I would be in a position of peace. And from where I sit it’s a beautiful place to be.

Thank you for stopping by dragthepen.

Photo by Ekaterina Belinskaya on Pexels.com

Coffee In Bed

Dear Readers, 

This is one of those days that I am grateful for singlehood. I live in New York City, it’s Saturday, rainy, chilly and cloudy. The small apartment complex I reside in is unusually peaceful. I slept late ( 12 noon). I woke up to my cat, Hamlet angry 😡 cries for food. I decided this is the perfect day to spend in my bedroom. I prepared my coffee tray, grabbed the laptop, bottles of water, and positioned myself in the middle of my bed. 

Oh, the joy of peace, coffee in bed, and living alone affords me the space and quiet time to recover from the wear and tears from the outside world. At 57, I would appreciate a partner who understands how to benefit from quiet time. I’ve experienced marriage once and it didn’t afford me quiet time. I’ve lived with roommates and don’t care to revisit those horror stories. My last relationship two years ago, I was engaged and lived with my fiance for 30 days. I realized it wasn’t going to work. 

He did not understand quiet time. He had big screened Tvs in every room except the bathroom. He woke up making noise, talking, talking, he was 6 feet 2 and had a loud voice. He misunderstood my need for silence as anger, I moved out in a hurry into a roommate situation. It was a spacious apartment, clean and bright. But my roommate a tall handsome man in his 60s and a retired carpenter, was an early riser  7 days a week, and he was VERY noisy. I endured living there for a year, over time he caught onto my need for quiet time and toned down the noise.

Dec 13, 2019, I moved into my own space. The apartment complex has three floors and unfortunately for me I am on the first floor. I have noisy neighbors who walk like beasts. My landlord has done an amazing job of helping to keep the peace, so on the rare days of silence I enjoy coffee in bed and movies. 

After the fiasco with the last relationship, I’ve been paying attention to how I enjoy living something I’ve never done previously. Here’s what I learned. I like being alone 75 percent and the other 25 percent,  I like to cook and entertain friends and family, and after two years of being free,  I don’t want any males in my living space, and there are no plans for dating in the near future. I’ve rediscovered the joys of sleeping alone, the benefits of having my own bathroom, and the delight of coming home to silence.

This has been a great weekend starting with Friday, the weather was amazing, warm, sunny and all the snow has melted. I cooked and cleaned, and  I had a visitor who brought me my first house warming gift, a glass chess set. The food, wine and company was just what I needed to end such a glorious day. So, here I am in the glory of a beautiful, mellow, silent Saturday, now this is what it means by living in the moment.  

I hope you are enjoying your weekend.

When The Beauty Fades

Dear Readers,  we live in a society where body shaming is due to people trying to live up to an ideal body image. Question, what happens in a relationship over time when a partners beauty fades and their physical appearance changes, do you consider looking elsewhere or do you stay and embrace and love your partner? Let’s be realistic nothing  stays the same, over time things change, but this is not the same as a person letting themselves go. as most people do.  I hope that this will inspire people to have intimate conversations with each other and begin to heal.

Thank you for watching. For more relationship topics subscribe to my YouTube channel  Conversations  with J. R. Floyd

PodCast

Dear Readers,  Happy 4th of July.🇱🇷

 

white and red flag

Photo by Aaron Schwartz on Pexels.com

I have ventured out into a new area. I have a podcast, Conversations  with J. R. Floyd, on Sound Cloud. Listed below are a few topics. Happy listening.😊

  • Looking for Love
  • Who are you dating? Guard your heart
  • Readings from my first novel, The Waiting Game
  • Broken people in relationships
  • Stolen Innocence
  • Trends and expectation in relationships
  • Guard your emotions
  • I refused to allow you to steal my joy
  • Childhood scares
  • Be the person you want to meet
  • Empower yourself
  • The stages of a relationship
  • My story. My journey
  • How do you use your words

The you for listening.💖

J. R.  host of Conversations with J. R. Floyd on You Tube

 

Brand New Day

Happy Anniversary to me

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Dear Readers,
It’s the one year Anniversary of Conversations with J. R. Floyd. One year since I created this platform of having Conversations with you on my You Tube Channel and live on Facebook. It’s the people that support my efforts of making my vision a reality and for this I am deeply grateful.
I am celebrating life in a new way because life has not always been good. In 2013, I stated this journey of self-discovery, and I have learned so much about me and why I was headed down a road of darkness.
For a long time I didn’t think that my life was worth getting out of bed day after day. I didn’t feel any joy in the things that I was doing, and getting my education drained me. For years I worked two job in order to support myself. The biggest disappointment is that I did not acquire the career path I envisioned. At the time I did not understand that my life would take a different turn that would lead me to creating something more meaningful with my life.
After succumbing to a three year depression over my failed attempt of becoming a public school teacher, and struggling through a few disastrous relationships; In 2015 I hit rock bottom emotionally and financially I wanted life to end. But I keep pushing holding into the last bit of hope that someday my life would change. And change it did but change wasn’t without its own set of struggles.
It all started with a Valentine’s Day post that I do each year on Facebook. A friend of mine read the post and asked me did I have a blog, of course the answer was no. She introduced me to the world of WordPress, it took about three months before I got the hang of blogging. I went from blogging to drafting my first novel ” The Waiting Game” follow by a short short, ” A different flavor of Love”, This same friend introduced me to the world of self publishing . The journey has not been easy I have a lot to learn. The biggest lesson I have learned is that I am capable of doing more then what I expected of myself, the truth of the matter is that I was limiting myself.
Last year 2018, I created Conversations with J. R. Floyd, my You Tube channel out of frustration of a failed engagement. I had to stop myself because I wasn’t making progress and my quality of my life was ZERO. I relocated a great distance away from friends and family. I put completing my Masters in Education on hold. I took a three month leave of absence from teaching, and kept working three days at my second position as a residence counselor. I did not watch TV, checked my email twice a day ( Morning and Evening) I only posted what I needed on my Facebook page one a week, and asked my family and friends to respect my need for space and time out.
I found this amazing group of women on Instagram and joined a 90 day writing and journal challenge. No matter the daily obstacles I stuck to the plan. I ate clean, worked out as often as I could and started reading again. As I result of the 90 days in seclusion I completed my journal of 90 of self reflection, discovery and renewal, I have decided to publish this journal in hoped that people will read it and understand that they are not alone in their struggles. Conversations with J. R. Floyd is my new brand. I have found my notch.
Wow. What a difference a year makes. I still do not watch much TV, I like the reading and their is so much I have to learn about becoming a public speaker, in my new BIO I list myself as being a Singer, Blogger, Writer, Educator, and Motivational and Transformation Coach and Speaker. June 17, 2019, after three years of preparing I finally made it to Carnegie Hall to perform Robert Schumann’s Requiem with my classical chorus. This month July, I am traveling to California to tape my show Conversations with J. R. Floyd. My life has taken on a fresh new existence. I walk taller and I have a sense of clarity that I have never had.
I will always be true to my first love teaching, I never became a public school teacher, life had others plans for my talents. I teach English Literature and Grammar workshops to ESL students at a Community College. This past Winter ( Jan to June) I had the privilege to teach my first and I hope not my last High School Equivalency class to a group of amazing adults. My path in life is clear I am called to use my knowledge of the English language to inspire my students, develop my skills as a writer/blogger, while conquering the area of public speaking.
I am no longer trying to establish a career because I now know that I have to create my own opportunity. I know my Romeo is out there, but right now, I am not interested in interrupting my flow, I like my peace, my space to create, the new path that I am walking and the people’s lives that I am touching. When I wake up each morning I have purpose and the drive and energy to make my vision a reality. Happy Anniversary to me.
P.S. coming up soon my new website, my 90 days of Refection, Discovery and Renewal journal soon to be published, In the meantime, my first two novels ” The Waiting Game” & A Different Flavor of Love” are available on Amazon.
Thank you for reading, commenting, and watching my videos
J. R. Floyd a.k.a Dragthepen

Childhood Scars: the breaking down of a child

Dear Readers and Viewers, I have discovered that the negative words and action that were done to some of us as children have had an impact on how we view who we are. What is important to understand is that childhood scares get buried under all the other negative experiences until some triggers  a memory and takes you back to that time in our life when we didn’t feel safe or love. My goal in sharing my story is that people will stop judging and insisting that we ” get over it and let go” instead start a dialogue that will  lead to a new path of healing. Thank you for watching. Please support me by subscribing to my You Tube channel: Conversation with J. R. Floyd

Is your partner asking you for Space?

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Dear Readers,

In today’s society when people mention the word SPACE while engaged in a relationship, they tend to have a negative view about the meaning of your partner wanting space. I interrupt space as a need for a time out or a mental break. This time out or a mental break doesn’t have to have a negative impact on the relationship.

Watch my video and tell me what you think about space in the relationship.

Relationship Drama!!!!

Dear readers,

I am a firm believer that people aren’t meant to be alone. When I say alone I’m referring to being without a capable partner. Being alone today is a choice that more and more people are making because they not open to the unnecessary relationship drama. Let me clarify this statement a good long-term relationship takes effort, time, work and a lot of energy. Both partners must be willing to commit to working on his/her own personal growth, while supporting the foundation of their partnership. There will be certain aspects of a relationship that require more work than other areas. If SACRIFICES have to be made it should be done for the improvement of the partnership, therefore, no one  should feel that his or her needs are not being given equal attention this is called BALANCE. When a couple decides to cohabitate, there should not be a division of responsible based on GENDER. Yes, there will be things that your partner is better at such as laundry, and that’s OK.  In the house that I was raised there was no labeling of women chores versus what a man should and should not do in the home. My father’s theory is that men should contribute in the home as a means to show support, respect and love for his wife. In this way they model for their children how a family unit work together as a team.

Communication between a man and women should be done on an open and fair level. I do not take kindly to my partner raising his voice at me and taking to me in a tone of a parent or  using profanity.  Remember harsh words that are said in the heat of anger are the words that hurt the most and they cause irreversible damage. A person can forgive but they will never forget. the structure of relationships have changed because of misconceptions, unreasonable expectations, and learnt dysfunctional behavior. We  live in a society of broken  men and women who have been abused, played games, experienced deception by people they trust, lack love, compassion, and there is a shortage of individuals who desire to commit to an old-fashioned monogamous relationship.

These factors and more have contribute to people throwing up their hands in submission and surrendering to being without a partner. I have seen an increase in people who prefer to adapt a pet than to become entangled with the unnecessary drama of a relationship. And this is where I find myself, I am not weary of being without a partner, and yes, I have a dog named jo-jo, who greets me every morning and evening with excitement and love in his eyes. Don’t get me wrong our partnership as owner and pet is not a perfect one. We have out days when he barks a little louder than usual and I cross my arms and stand my ground. There are days when he wants me to get up early because he wants to go out. There are days that he begs for some table scraps and I give in. But we have an unspoken bond. I take care of him, respect his space, give him my undivided attention when he is barking louder than usual, and in return I have a best friend for as long as life will allow us. Now who wouldn’t want this?

what say you?

amazon.com/author/rahshemahfloyd