It started at the age of 30. I secured my freedom on the road to becoming self-sufficient. The delicious thrill of being on my own, living, thinking and having time for me.
I was married at the age of 24. The first two years was stella. The last four years were like scenes from Dante’s Inferno. At the age of 30 with the help of my family and friends I escaped.
Twenty three years later, four degrees, one self-published novel, three successful seasons singing first Soprano with the New York City Downtown Chorus, and a supporting role in the Christian play “Oh Lord Why did I get Married?”
Hooray you say job well done.
So, why do I feel like a failure? Years of working three-part time jobs to pay for college and to keep a roof over my head. The end results I haven’t gotten that high paying dream career I worked so diligently to have.
I thought at this stage I would have a better partner to settle into a long-term loving relationship. Another pipe dream lost. The final blow I live in a state (New York City) where the landlord’s greed rules and even though everyone’s money is the color of green, if a person is white and can pay higher rent they are privileged to live in the best neighborhoods.
I am faced with making the choice of sharing an apartment after living in my own space for twenty-three years. I ask myself over and over, How can I co-habitate with a stranger? I am a clean freak, who likes a quite home, a peaceful home is important for me to keep my sanity.
OMG. The fear of seeing someone’s boyfriend coming out of the bathroom in his underwear. Someone eating my food or secretly going through my belongings. The real estate market is such that living on one’s own would require working a tremendous number of hours to cover the rent alone.
Today, I had an appointment at a roommate finders’ agency, the realtor asked me” what am I willing to give up to acquire a place where I can have all my belongings with me, and to make a fresh start.”
At this present moment, I don’t know how to answer that question.
What say you?
Today, I am grateful for my life. I’ve been observing the life style of some of my family and friends, and sometimes I secretly wished that I had what they have. But upon close investigation, I’ve come to understand that most of them that I’ve watched with the GREEN EYES of ENVY with all their material assets; house, cars, trips, expensive clothes, and other accessories, some of them lack peace and freedom. Let me explain, they seemed happy with all that they have gained, however, while a rare lunch date with my best friend, she confirmed my assumption, when she said, ” There are days that I wished that I could live like you.” I didn’t respond because I was thinking, she has a house, two cars, three beautiful children, and a husband who provides for her. She must be mad, I worked two jobs, ride public transportation ( took on the second job to save for a car), and I haven’t been in a relationship for six years.
Before I could question her, she continued. “I love my family, but I wished that I would have waited to live my life. You live free of the burdens of having to find a baby sitter for three kids in order to have date night, which is rare, or to go out with the few friends I have. Your house is always clean and quiet. In my house, I constantly hear voices, asking and demanding my time and attention. I’m totally depended on my husband financially and at time he is tight with money.Besides begin married for 15 years, having my children, I have nothing to show for what I have accomplished beyond my marriage. You travel, paid your way through college, published a book, your self-sufficient, and unlike the rest of the women in our circle you didn’t settle. When you marriage wasn’t working, you left and didn’t look back. Anyway, girl I’m venting, how is the new book coming?”
We continued to eat lunch and talked about my next book. We parted ways and when I arrived home, put the key in my door to be greeted by my dogs wagging tail of excitement, It was a that moment that I knew that I haven’t been grateful for my life. I have all that I need and my life is the exactly the way it should be.
What do you have to be grateful for?
“Marriage has lost its importance in today’s society.” There are many reasons why this statement is true. One key factor is that the old fashion ( baby boomer) values towards marriage has been replaced with modern ( millennial) thinking; and society no longer frowns upon couples who cohabitate ( live in sin).
There are some pros and cons to shacking up , such as getting to know one another before marriage, testing the waters so to speak. Others do it for financial convenience. Women of this generation put off marriage because of the educational and employment opportunities available to them, which give them a sense of being self sufficient,
Males on the other hand, reject ” settling down” in fear of losing their freedom. Men often compare how their marriage will be based on what they observe their married friends struggle through. Most women except the arrangement of living with their boyfriend in hopes of getting closer to marriage. This is referred to as ” the Waiting Game” a subject I address in my new book.
Men enjoy cohabitation because it allows them to experience being a husband without having to ” put a ring on it.” However, the longer men shack up the more likely he will feel pressured to tie the knot. There is also outside pressure from friends, family, cultural and religious beliefs for couples to get married. Most parents who are married are uncomfortable with the idea of their children making the choice to shack up, instead of committing to each by getting married.
I could go on and on about the pros and cons of cohabitation, ultimately, it is the couples choice to do what is right for them.
What say you?
These are things people whisper behind my back when they think I’m not listening…..
Why is she still single? Something must be wrong with her. Maybe she should lower her standards. Yes, because she is too picky and she ain’t getting any younger.
The truth is I don’t understand how I come to be Single for such a long period of time. The way I recall it, my plight into single-hood started after the end of a six-year relationship that I hoped would end in a marriage, that was 2003. In 2006, I met a handsome Latin man and we courted for 18 months. Suddenly, he decided he wanted to go back to being a Bachelor, he told me this over the phone.
Since 2012 I’ve had my fair share of going out on dates, some good but mostly bad. I’ve learned a lot about men during my trails and error of being single. What I know is that most men are not patient ( especially when they want to have a physical relationship), supportive, compassionate and they have poor communication skill at least that’s what they claim. Men can be controlling, immature and another one of their claims, they fear being in a monogamous relationship because it takes away their freedom. For many years I’ve been fooled, lied to and used by the worst and best of them. I even wrote a book ” The Waiting Game” about my experiences with the wrong men.
Being single has been a heavy blight in my life. Some days single-hood makes me feel like I am being punished for not settling for all the jerks and losers who represented themselves to me as real men. For becoming a smart, successful, self-sufficient and ambitious women. I have been told by many people men don’t like strong women. I will not give up on finding my life partner, he is out there. Until such time one is not a lonely number its the only number.
What say you?