This is not the time for Foolishness

Dear readers,

I have noticed an increasing number of people on social media posting negative comments about the government stimulus package. I’m not trying to be a hard- ass, but these are serious times and joking about a financial resource that’s going to help some people through this crisis, isn’t funny to me or did I miss the memo. So, while people are posting negative comments about the stimulus checks think about how many children are hungry, people being threatened with eviction, large number of homes with both parents out of work, women who are suffering from domestic violence, children living in home where they are being abused, families who are loosing husbands, wives, sisters, brothers and other members of their family to the Virus. People are afraid and living a day to day of uncertainty. Please show some intelligence and compassion.💖. Some people really need this money.

Thank you for stopping by Dragthepen.

 

Born of a Woman part 2

Dear Readers,

By the way… Continuing on the subject of the shady treatment towards  women. Let me further explain when women say, ” they don’t need a man or they prefer not to be in a relationship”. Women are not confused, insane, a lesbian, or  to trying to be a man, these are some of the judgments society use against women who choose to opt out of engaging in relationships that do not honor them.

Usually, women who desire to be alone or find strength in a sisterhood are women who have experienced  molestation at the hands of male family members, or experienced abusive relationships, and their wounds are deep and difficult to heal. There are women who have been cheated on and stranded in financial situations with children that caused them to find unpleasant means to survive. Women are at the end of their rope they are emotionally and mentally broken, and spiritual bankrupted by men who have ran so much game on them that they lost faith in any relationship being real.

Hello men of this world, let the truth be told. Women seek truth, warmth, emotional closeness, support, communication, monogamy, protection, and real guidance ( not a dictatorship). Women desire to be in partnerships that support their emotional and intellectual, and personal growth.

Women are fed up with being sexual objects, baby mothers, common law wives or live in partnerships without the benefits of being honored as a wife. Women are discovering  the joy and fulfillment in being single, acquiring an education, earning higher incomes, traveling, and discovering hidden talents that they turn into businesses. Women desire to have their voices heard and their concerns taken seriously.

Women are moving forward without men, and each time we are pushed back the harder we come back.

The wait is over the choice is yours. Thank you for stopping by Drathepen.

Let the truth be told

Let the truth be told. 

 

People  say that we are  the sum of our experiences. But what happens when the majority of your experiences have lead to a traumatic life?  My childhood was a combination of fear and punishment. Children look to their parents for protection, love, guidance, and  assurance. I was raised in a house with eight siblings and I felt neglected and abandoned by a mother who was busy with kids and housework. My father was not a warm and  loving father he ruled his house with an ironic fist keeping his family in check was his main goal. The fun times in my house where very few due to my father allowing religion to be the center of our lives. One of the major mistakes my parents made was that they didn’t teach their children about the true facts of life. My mother was busy turning  me into a domestic diva making sure that I didn’t have time to be a child, teen nor did she help me with my transition into womanhood. 

At the age of 17, I was desperate to get away from home so I gave  my virginity to the first boy who said he ” loved me” this lead to years of yearning for the need to be loved,  protected, cherished, provided for, and to feel that I mattered. Not such luck. Just like my childhood in my relationships I was abused, confused, ashamed, neglected, made to feel worthless, undeserving and invisible. My family watched while my life was devastated  by relationships after relationships. I experienced being put out in the street by live in boyfriends, infidelity, and foolishly being financially responsible for some of the men in my life because I didn’t know better. 

The years of searching for a place to belong was tremendously painful. Walking through life and never feeling secure that at least one person had my  back. I put my trust in the wrong people and I made poor relationship choices. I spent eight years in therapy, yoga, meditation, disciplined eating, education……blah, blah only to be haunted with a heavy feeling of emptiness. People tell me that I should be proud of all that I have accomplished. I am told that I am strong, creative, intelligent, beautiful, energetic, and powerful. I have fallen more times then I care to count. Each time pulled myself up using my strength, creativity, intelligence, and energy. During the most stressful events in my life, I have had minimal support from family, but thank God for a few die hard friends. 

I recently began to understand why I disliked the men from my past relationships. Due to my lack of relationship knowledge and experience I opened myself to be stepped on like a doormat and used like a pit stop. None of the men in my past had the decency to have mercy on me, so they took advantage of my lack of experience. So,  part of my new healing process is to hold them accountable instead of me shouldering all the blame. To the men from my past please remember a woman gave birth to you, you have sisters, aunts, and daughters, shame on you for mistreating women. I am moving forward healing myself of the pain you caused me. This time around I know what I am healing from and why.

To my deceased father and living mother I no longer wish to take responsibility and carry around the shame for what you didn’t teach me. It was your duty as parents to share vital information about the dangers of this world.  I know that you couldn’t protect me from every bad wolf, but you could have at least warned me before you just pushed me out into the dark abyss. I am going to dig deep and heal from my lost innocence. 

To all the people who have betrayed me. I am moving on with the awareness that I can’t go through life shielding myself by staying behind the walls of my cocoon. I know everyone is not out to get me, but I will move with caution. To all the people that I caused pain with my words or deeds,  I seek your forgiveness, whether you want to grant me pardon doesn’t matter because I am not that person anymore. 

2020, will be the start of true healing. I know the work I have to do and I

I am ready. I will love myself  unconditionally, I will protect, provided, have my back, keep promises to self,  engage in activities that bring me joy, and build towards my future. For my future friends and husband, when you cross through the threshold into my life please be aware that if your not truthful, trustworthy,  have honorable intentions, willing to respect, love, honor, have my back, be my ride or die, protect, support, show compassion and just be authentic with your intention, I am reminding you that I am emotionally better, mentally aware and most importantly I am paying attention. 

My hope is that for every person who reads this to sit down to write a letter to self,  and talk to the people who have caused you pain, read the letter out loud, burn it and heal. Your happiness matters. 

 

. 

 

my journey back

Dear Readers,

My journey back.
I spent a lot of time confused as to why I couldn’t bounce back. Two years ago I almost found myself on the edge of being homeless. The events in life that you think couldn’t happen to you like, unemployment, illness, homelessness, no saving, and worst the people who declared and sworn their undying loyalty to you, when the shit hit the fan they were out of sight out of mind. You wake up in the middle of the night and it finally hits you. Your alone. Alone in the battle to reset and regain your life.

How do you do this?

I had a plan my journey began when I was 30. I broke away from an abusive marriage, received much needed therapy, and I though the ghosts from my past were gone. I was wrong. I wasn’t paying attention. I didn’t learn anything. I didn’t stay focused on me or my goals. I made the to do lists, made plans to do better and be better, but year after year I failed. I failed because my major distraction was running after relationships that I wasn’t ready for or men who just wasn’t good for me. I am not placing blame on the men they were doing what men do take what’s being offered to them. When I think about how I suffered through year after year in unless relationships, my heart cringe.
Mistake number two not making me the number one priority. I spread myself too thin trying to play super women. I gave so much of my precious time to people who are no longer in my life because I was just a means to their end. I was busy being a savior. I gave away money that I should have saved for a rainy day. I was too trusting of people who claimed me as their ” friend” for most of my life I have been blinded sided by these so called ” friends”. Paying attention has never been my strongest trait. Its taken me from the age of 18 until 50 for the light bulb to come on in my head. Currently, I am 55 and the last five years of my life have been about me finally letting go of what hasn’t worked in my life. The toughest part of this new journey loosing my apartment and the fear of not knowing. In one year I moved 4 times, each move I lost personal items, money and time. My last stupid mistake believing that I had finally found the one. Not. He was the straw that literally broken the camels back.

I have suffered through childhood trauma, being a single teenage mother, and becoming a high school drop out. I spent one year on the welfare system before I gave up and got my first job as a home health aide, and  I survived 7 years of an abusive marriage. When I fought for my independent I did not understand that independence comes with a price. When a women desire to walk the road less traveled she become an outcast. I worked my way through college it took ten years complete three degrees. During this time I barely kept my head above water, and I experienced some of the worst relationships. What devastated me the most was the lack of love, compassion and support I needed from my family. July 2017, I lost my apartment at the same time I published my first novel a short memoir, followed by a short story. I had no idea that there was a writer inside of me. I turned to writing as a means to escape the pain of feeling unloved and abandoned. I auditioned for a classical chorus and with dedication and practice, practice, practice June 2019, I performed at Carnegie Hall. I created a YouTube channel Conversations with J. R. Floyd, a forum where I talk about relationship issues and everyday life problems that effect our ability to be who we truly are. I kept writing as a result I have two more books to be published in 2020.

In the last three years I have paid attention to old patterns that keep me trapped in cycles of being unproductive and distracted. Now I am the number one priority. And I am happy that I took the time to understand why my relationship weren’t successful. Its feels amazing to finally have my feet planted on firm ground. While on this journey back I reflect on something Virginia Woolf once said as she described the conditions necessary for a woman to unleash her full potential: privacy (a “room of one’s own”), and money (self-sufficiency). Woolf argues that, if women are to explore their potential, they must be allowed to pursue these basic necessities. In my case my own space.

December 1, construction of my new living space will begin and move in day is December 28, just in time to pop the Champaign and celebrate my new beginning with a new year ( 2020) . . I have opted to have a roommate living alone doesn’t appeal to me now that I am aging and my roommate is a perfect fit. This journey back has been difficult, scary, enlightening, stressful, disappointing set backs, tearful, hopeless, feelings of brokenness, confusion, and there were days that I just couldn’t understand why?
I am moving forward with the smell of fresh paint, new carpet, every single piece of furniture is new and I can’t wait to be back in my own kitchen. I decided that I will settle in for a while before I open the doors to invite people in. I am thinking Spring will be a good time to cook a family dinner and open the doors to my new space. Moving forward with the information I have learned I have 5 years until retirement. I will continue on my path of emotional healing, spiritual balance and immerse myself in my mental and physical well being. I have plans to spend my 56th birthday in Vegas, and I have two more trips planned for 2020. And for my retirement finale I am building a tiny house. Please believe the saying, ” life is what you make it”. This half of my life is certainly going to be my best life.
Thank you for taking the journey with me.

The Healing process

Dear Readers,

A part of the healing process is to acknowledge when your overwhelmed by the emotions your working through. Creating a daily routine keeps you busy and sometime you can get lost in begin busy that you don’t pay attention to the emotions and the grief that eventually will caught up with you. I spent this past year focusing on pushing my brand ” Conversations with J. R. Floyd” I wrote a third book, created a new website, appear live on Facebook, and kept my you tube channel current. I  journal, read books, and watched 100ths of motivational speakers. I fasted and prayed, but I wouldn’t allow myself to cry because I felt this would show weakness. Today, is the day that my strong shoulders became weak, the emotions caught up to me and I finally had that cry. It is a relief to acknowledge what I feel and what I have been busy running from. So, now it is time for me to step back from my brand and focus on my emotional and physical health and the fact that I am going to make a career change in 2020. Thank you for your support. I will be back. 💖

Word Wall

Dear readers, I beg a moment of your time.

As I proceed through each day I have become observant of people’s behavior; and conclude that we are communicating less and less.Below is a list of words that is becoming extinct.

love, forgiveness, appreciate, respect, support, encouragement, dedication, responsibility, accountability, belonging, sharing, caring, concern, compassion, passion, truth, honesty, trust, willingness, openness, unity, consideration, hope, peace, joy and balance.

I love the people who forgive me and I appreciate their respect, encouragement, and support. I hold myself responsible, and accountable for my actions and dedicate myself to sharing my concerns with the people who give me  a sense of belonging. When I fail in my duty to show compassion towards my fellow-man; the least  I can do is to be truthful in my willingness to be open and express honesty for and lack of consideration.

I hope that peace, joy and balance can  be restored to a world that lacks UNITY.

What Say You?

The Relationship Talk

You said “I’m running away,” but when I look down my feet are firmly planted on the ground.

You said, “I’m not willing to give in and let myself go.”

So, I said, “self-let’s think about this running away, giving in and letting go.” I’ve spent many days and nights pondering silently and sometimes speaking aloud about this “running away, giving in and letting go.” And I’ve come to concluded; what I am running away from the old stale, complacent, routine of a “RELATIONSHIP,” and the lack of romance, no not sexual intercourse, but good ole fashion remember the flowers, a love note or card, holding hands and a gift on date night just because.

I’m running away from being suffocated by a partner who continually whimpering about the lack of attention, which translates into not enough sex. Running from the idea that I owe wifely duties without the ring. Running away from not being supported, respected, valued and permitted space to grow as an individual.  Running away from the proposed thinking that we are one, Yep, when I think about it, I am running……..

Part 2, the unwillingness to give in. I do not quit comprehend what is meant by the term “give in.” Repeatedly in my mind I said “give in; give in” until the meaning became clear, don’t you mean, “Give up?”  Give up my time, passion and aspirations for the well-being of the “RELATIONSHIP” because there is no longer me, I, or self, but we, us and ours.

Finally, “letting myself go.” Hmmmmm…Go where and why? Do you mean immersing myself into the abyss of the “RELATIONSHIP” so deep that I forget who I am, and what I want out of this life, my life? Do you see where I am going with this?  I am running away, unwilling to give in and not letting go because…………..maybe you don’t need to know why?

This is what you should know. I would run towards and hold onto a man who truly understands and illustrates the qualities of what it means to be committed “PARTNERSHIP.” I am willing to give into and let myself go to walk on the wild side, with a man who accepts me as I am and sees’ the value of having me as their life partner.

I would like to feel secure and cared for by a man who is supportive of my career goals, ministry, and love for pets, romance and quite time. I am not willing to run to or give into and let myself go for a temporary lay or for Mr. Right now. I am willing to take a chance on always and forever.

What Say You?

Word Wall

Dear readers, I beg a moment of your time.

As I proceed through each day I have become observant of people’s behavior; and conclude that we are communicating less and less.Below is a list of words that is becoming extinct.

love, forgiveness, appreciate, respect, support, encouragement, dedication, responsibility, accountability, belonging, sharing, caring, concern, compassion, passion, truth, honesty, trust, willingness, openness, unity, consideration, hope, peace, joy and balance.

I love the people who forgive me and I appreciate their respect, encouragement, and support. I hold myself responsible, and accountable for my actions and dedicate myself to sharing my concerns with the people who give me  a sense of belonging. When I fail in my duty to show compassion towards my fellow-man; the least  I can do is to be truthful in my willingness to be open and express honesty for and lack of consideration.

I hope that peace, joy and balance can  be restored to a world that lacks UNITY.

What Say You?

They Say/I Say

Dear Readers, Friends, Foe and Family.

Here me when I say,” DON’T GIVE UP ON A VISION, a GOAL, OR THE PLAN THAT YOU HAVE FOR YOUR LIFE.” No matter who is for or against you. No matter the obstacles, bad days, lack of funds, or the short comings of THOSE around, who do not support you, or believe that you are cable of achieving what you set out to do. DON’T SURRENDER, FOLD, GIVE IN, OR SUBMIT. “Dreams are Necessary to Life.” ~ Anais Nin. Hold on You Day is coming.

WHAT SAY YOU?