Lies of a Player

I did not know to say no to the house date because I was just your booty call

You said I am your one and only, what you meant was that I was the only one for that moment

The gifts you gave me wasn’t made for me they were recycled from what you took back from you EX

When you say you couldn’t see me it wasn’t out of obligation to work or family

You were busy juggling the others in your list of booty calls

The other night you called out her name, you claimed that I am insane because your heart only beats to my flame

The cycle of heartbreak, tears, pain, lies, promises, apologies, late night mystery phone calls are more than I can bare…..

After the depth of darkness I will bath myself in self-love, walk in truth, heal my soul with the bliss of peace and rid my heart of the fake, scheming, and hypocrite of a lover you pretend to be

Just for today.

Dear Readers,

Today is that day. You know the day you just can’t seem to hold life together. People say push through, but why? Today,  I can’t just push through. Sometimes pushing through causes more harm than good. Today, is the day that I need to step back and work through this mist of fog.

I have been digging in and plowing through for months. Day by day, pushing down the emotional waves that threaten to overwhelm me, holding back tears, smiling, laughing, when I really want to scream out and crawl in a corner and be left alone. Having private conversations with that voice in my head, whispering ” I am okay”.  Today, I am not ok. I think about the thousands of people who go through life faking the funk lying  to themselves about being “ok”,  afraid of having a break down because people will judged them for  being weak. Shame on us for creating a society where its not good to admit that ” I am not okay”.

Today,  is my day to feel the emotional waves and let them do what they do. Today, is the day for the tears to flow. Today,  is the day for me to admit to the voice in my head that I am exhausted, depressed, and that I feel the pain of loneliness and isolation from friends and family. Today, I will lay in bed with the breakfast, while organzing  my personal projects.  I will quite my mind by reading and siping a glass of merlot. Awww the pleasures of life are short lived. I am counting the days until the month of June ends, and looking  forward to my vacation to California. In the meantime, at the close of this day I will take a warm bubble bath, indulging in a mani- pedi, burn my favorite candle ( vanilla) and prepare my mind and body to face the next day.

Thank you for reading💖

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An Ode to Nephew

Dear Readers,

Wednesday October 4, 2017, I was sitting in my bedroom pouring my soul into my journal, ranting about how humanity has left me feeling abandon, unloved and an outcast, in a society where people prefer to engage in a relationship with their technical devices, instead of connecting with people. At 11:35pm, my mobile phone rings, I saw my youngest sisters’ name on the screen, I said “shit” took a deep breath and answered.

“sis.”

“Yes.”

“sis, what’s wrong?”

“Donavan committed suicide.”

Silence. Time Stopped.

My handsome 22-year-old nephew, a recent college graduate, received a new car from his proud father, and on his way to a career in law enforcement. A young man with a spotless record, choir member and church usher; felt that he no longer wanted to live. Days after this tragic event people are asking why? If I had the answer would that knowledge bring him back?

We live in a society where there is an increasing number of teens and young adults committing suicide, and the only question people are asking is why? My family has been devastated by such a sudden and violent death. When the family gathers we don’t talk much, we stare into space and go through the motions of planning his final service.

His mother, my sister asked me to write something nice for his obituary. After many tears soaked pages, I finally wrote these words.

Yesterday, the sky was a blazed with stars so bright they lead me home.

Yesterday, I saw your smiling face, happy with hope, faith, and peace.

Today, the Sun shined radiantly I saw your smile in the warmth of the rays.

Tonight, no stars, and the smiling, peaceful, hopeful, faithful face is no more.

The Sun has gone down. In his rest my beloved nephew struggles no more against the trails of life, loveless days, and the pain that he was unable to express. Yesterday, silence. Today there is Peace.