More About Me

Dear Readers, 

My journey as a blogger, author, and creator of my YouTube channel Conversations with J. R. Floyd, is a personal pilgrimage of healing from a life of chaos and emotional brokenness through deep reflection and self-discovery; leading me to find a new path and live a better life. The events of my past and the trauma connected to those experiences had a profound affect on how I lived my life and the choices I made. I transitioned from an abused and neglected childhood, to a confusing and dark adolescent into adulthood where I made enormous mistakes that are too numerous to recall. 

It wasn’t until I hit rock bottom at the age of 30 that I acquired professional help. I was raised in a religious home and my parents taught their children that all they need to solve their problems is the Bible and prayer. I lived a sheltered life, and looking back at the adults during my childhood they taught me nothing. One of many lessons I learned from therapy is that my parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles lack of knowledge is due to generations of them being in survival mode. I was angry for years at my parents because they didn’t protect me from falling into the cruel ditches of this world; instead my father was busy being a disciplinary and ruling his family with an iron fist, so I learned to fear my father and withdraw. My mother was a hopeless domestic diva who showed no emotions except anger. 

After my experience with therapy I concluded that many of my problems I encountered derived from my childhood, and the adults having influences grooming my young mind filling it with mixed messages and myths that I discovered as an adult were wrong, misleading and harmful.  

My childhood home was constantly in chaos, alcohol and drug, domestic violence, screaming, male domination, and subservient women. When children are not reared in homes that are loving, balanced, financially and emotionally ready, support from extended family members, and nurturing and safe; the results can be devastating, trust me I know from experience. 

1. Children from dysfunctional or broken families and hindered from seeking out their own identity separate from the family, they are marked the” Black Sheep’ and treated as such. 
2. When parents make decisions for their children based on the theory that they are too young or emotionally immature to make decisions for themselves; the result is children who grow into adults who make poor choices.
3. Children who are not taught how to cope with loss, death, separation, relocation of living situations, adults need to bear in mind that children have emotions that they don’t understand, and when they aren’t given the support, love and encouragement they need to cope with loss, the result is an adult who can’t cope with life.
4. When children transition into adolescence this is a confusing period of their life, they need help, patience and guidance, because this is when most of the troubles begin because adults don’t pay attention to their needs, and label teenagers as difficult.  

My intentions is for my readers to understand the reason behind some of my postings that might seem personal or disturbing. I hope that I can help others who are or have  struggled with past childhood trauma to understand that the pain doesn’t have to last forever and that there is a rainbow at the end of rain.

Thank you for stopping by dragthepen.

The Rotting Soul

Dear Readers, 

Your past pain is an enemy, and when people say that they are suffering from a broken heart, I say, it is their spirit, soul and will that’s been broken and betrayed. My story is that  I spent years soaking in the pain of my past. I waited in anger for the people who hurt me to come back to me and acknowledge the physically, emotionally and mentally pain they caused me, I wanted my pain to be validated, so I proudly displayed my banner publicly announcing that I was a VICTIM, who have been mistreated, abused, neglected and I was wounded. I used my pain as an  excuse for my anger, hatred and bitterness. I lived my life  putting up walls, hurting others, and lashing out towards anyone who would not acknowledge my pain. My heart was cold, closed and hardened. I was blinded by misinformation, mixed messages, and confused emotions. While I was quickly disintegrating into my self imposed HELL. during this period of my life it never occurred to me to stop and reflect on the fact that I did not have the experience to detect and discern when people have bad intentions. 

 

I was not taught self-worth and self-respect meant, so my level of thinking was that of a naive child that is very trusting because children  don’t know evil, malice, and wrong doing until it is introduced to them. Another factor that led to me basking in my position as a VICTIM, I surrounded myself with people who supported my moaning and groaning of how I’ve been wronged. I lived in this pit of darkness from 1996-2006 just to give you an idea of how long I wallowed in my grief.  

How I began the long, long road to healing was people stopped listening to me rant. One by one person was dropping out of my life, and this increased my anger because the people who I thought understood my pain were busy on their path to healing. I didn’t want to heal, to me healing meant forgiving the people who hurt me. In my mind forgiveness means that they were off the hook, and they won’t be punished for the crimes committed against me. Over time  I slowly began to realize that the only person that I was hindering and harming was me. I was stuck mentally and emotionally, I wasn’t living. I arrived at the point that I wanted the self imposed drama to end. I had worked diligently to immerse myself deep into my misery, and little did I know I would have to put forth tireless effort to learn  how to process my pain in a positive manner. I utilize many support services secular and spiritual, I am not ashamed to say I spent 8 years in therapy learning to love and value myself. This eight year process included one year of art therapy, anger management, and one year of group and individual therapy.  

My journey towards healing and reclaiming my life lead me back to a painful childhood, the horrible events of adolescence that lead to poor choices as an adult. I learned that something  good was going to come from my pain. Looking back I had no idea that this healing process would profoundly change my life. I was molded into a completely new person. Through all the therapy sessions, tears, rage, unveiling and reliving the events of my past, it was worth the pages and pages of journals, and the times I dropped to my needs hunched over in pain purging myself of the anger that I allowed to ROT my soul, kill my spirit,  darken my heart, and block my blessings.  

From those years pain and healing I brought forth two novels about my journey walking towards a better life. I learned how to trust people, to have an open mind, and guard my naive heart. I developed into a mentor, motivational coach, writer and creator of the blog Dragthepen and the YouTube channel Conversations with J. R. Floyd. The more I share my story, counsel and coach others the better I become at listening with a non judgmental ear. I learned how to recognize true friendship, and what it means to be supportive, compassionate, and to show acts of kindness to others who have been broken.  It doesn’t matter the cause of your pain or past trauma, seeking help does not allow the past to lead you down a dark road of destruction of anger and loneliness. 

Thank you for stopping by Dragthepen.

Unexpected

Dear readers,

I did not start out looking for a husband I was committed to being single. I was comfortable with my ONENESS. I did not consider myself lonely and I was not afraid to be with ME. Out of frustration I made the decision to give up dating and my search for Mr.…… Two years into my self-imposed isolation I was happy to go to a peaceful home after long days of toiling at work and fighting the grind of riding public transportation. A benefit of living alone is having the space and leisure to do as one please, and besides my boxer jo-jo I enjoyed not being responsible for another person besides Jo-jo.  Two years turned into three and so on.

In my seventh year of being with ME I had drafted three manuscripts, two that I self-published, joined a classical chorus, acquired a second part-time job, and finally started the process to complete my Masters in Education. Life was GOOD.  I was so busy being busy that I did not pay attention to the train wreck that was going to derail me from my mission as a writer and educator, take away my peace, and cause me deep emotional damage, and by the time I emerged from the darkness of the twisted wreckage; I would be lift with the task of rebuilding my life one part at a time. The result I am back in therapy.

This time around I needed to do more than heal my heart and soul from being broken and abandon. I need to step in the room of recovery and address my pain give this pain a name stare it in the face and have a conversation with it. I begin by saying that I was not looking for a husband because I never made it past the engagement stage. My prince charming wooed me for a year. During our courtship he showed me the person who he needed to be. His true self reared its ugly head the moment I moved into his place. He transformed into a moody, clingy, needy, overbearing, insecure, NAG. He laid down the law by preaching to me about the type of wife he wanted me to be. He made it clear under no circumstances did he see how I could balance both being a wife and continuing with my teaching career, and my hobby as a writer. blogger, classical singer and finding time to keep up with my YouTube channel. This coming from the same man who while living under separate roofs supported me and besides my son became my greatest cheering section. He wanted me to choose. I stayed 90 days. I stayed because I thought that I was living through a short nightmare and that I would wake up. No. This was no nightmare, what I was living through was real.

I left because I could not stay in a relationship that does not value and support me. I am starting over again, but this time is going to be different. I will not sweep my feelings under the rug and just move on. I will address my pain and confusion and address the things that I’ve ignored in my life and heal those parts of me that are still hiding and hurting.

What say you?