Prince Charming Left the Building

Dear Readers,

It’s been a long time since I’ve talked about a relationship topic. The world has been turned upside down by this pandemic, and people have more pressing issues to think about then relationships. I’ve heard people talk about the challenges they faced during the first half of the pandemic when we were ordered to be sheltered in place. 

Now that some restrictions have been lifted I guess people are beginning to venture out and start to date again. In my case I’ve been dateless for two years, partly by choice and also because I am on a journey of healing and self discovery, but I know I can’t hide forever. 

What do men and women like me do when they fear going back out into the hopeless society of dating. My first book entitled The Waiting Game is inspired by my tragic relationships and my  misconception that everyone in the dating game is  looking for the real deal. 

It took a lot for me to admit to myself and to confess to you that I don’t want to be alone, don’t get my message wrong, I am comfortable with my own company, and I will continue to discover more of who I am and what I need and don’t need from an intimate relationship. The bottom line for me is that I am afraid of being played again, and having to start over getting to know someone new and thinking about who to truth. 

In the past I realized I moved to fast in the relationships that turned out to be messy situationships. not only did I move too fast, but I allowed myself to be pushed in directions that I felt uncomfortable with. Is it just me or my thinking that men are not interested in being patient and taking things slow. They want to know right away what’s in it for them in other words they are not wasting their time if they are getting their needs met. 

I am 57 years old and it’s been my experience that men my age want younger women. You know the type of  OG’s  who are looking to relieve their youth.  Or the men I use to meet who are only interested in netflix and chill nights at home. Now that the coronavirus is here this adds another hindrance, so now I don’t dare think about venturing out into the dating scene.

Listen, I am not asking for prince charming to come alone and sweep me off my feet, that fantasy sailed a long time ago. It’s  simple: where are the honest men who haven’t been tinted by gold diggers, cheating women, or been broken and beaten by too many bad relationships, not on the DL,  know who they are what they want, and are emotionally stable and want to be in a relationship for the right reasons. Where are the men who appreciate women like me who go out every day to earn an honest living, have a plan for the future, good family and friend relationships, and live by a moral code of good ethics and values. 

Where are the men who desire to be in a monogamous relationship without the urge to have side pieces. Where are the men who dare to go the distance in a long term partnership regardless of the ditches and valleys. Where are the men  who are willing to accept me for who I am the way I am and not reject me based on what I don’t have. 

Where are the men who don’t believe in being community property by sleeping around and collecting baby mamas. Where are the men who understand their responsibility and accountability when they make the decision to enter into a relationship they claim they want. It’s simple, just be honest with yourself first, I don’t want to be played or layed. I desire to be respected, except, loved, protected, supported and understanding for my life vision and open communication. I want honesty, romance, creativity, someone with a strong family bond, confidence, intelligence, sense of humor, good hygiene and healthy eating habits, belief in God, and someone who believes in friendship is the foundation of any relationship. 

I don’t know where these men are but if they are out there somebody let them know that women like me are waiting for them.

Today is the Day. The Chase is Over.

Dear Readers, 

It all came down to today. This is the day. The chase is over. I am 56 years old and I have finally reached the moment of full clarity, peace and the healing process is getting better and better. The feelings of heaviness, fear, anger, and resentment these emotions and voices will no longer have the power to burden me and whisper to me that I am not worth it. My healing process began in 1992 and at the time I thought that it would take me about a year to heal from the damage of my childhood, an abusive marriage, and what I didn’t know was from years of more abusive relationships that included the intimate relationships and family and friends. Let me tell you this  when you find yourself on the path to healing from emotional, sexual and physical brokenness don’t expect the people closest to you to be supportive, in some cases they are the people who will become obstacles on your journey, and you will have to make the choice to leave them behind with the rest of the wreckage. 

Today is the day that I can release years of pain, suffering, anger, and the struggles of chasing after the unknown. Today is the day I understand that what kept me prisoner was how I was thinking, and becoming a slave to the idea that my life was worthless because I haven’t become the success of the American dream. I don’t own a house, a car, and I don’t make a six figure salary. I berated myself mentally for not getting it right and for having to start over and over. When I think back on how many years that I didn’t feel loved , but search for love and the whole time I didn’t love me because I thought that it was the duty of others to love me, and my anger grew when I didn’t receive love. I  used sex as a means to feel. I was dead inside, but I thought sex would make me feel something, The only result of this behavior was more emptiness and being used as an object of pleasure, and not being cherished as a whole being. 

Today, Friday, July 24, 2020 as I sit in my bedroom with tears flowing, pouring out all the suffering, pain, uncertainty, and years of dying over and over and reliving the same tragedy over and over, I was numb and bitter. I was a slave to depression, eating orders and carrying around the  negative labels that others heaped on me because I believed them. I am not ashamed to say that I never fully experienced a mother’s love, but I am no longer going to allow that to drag me down.  On July 20, 2020, we celebrated my mother’s 76th birthday and I am enjoying the relationship we presently have.  I am no longer struggling, no let me rephrase that I am no longer choosing to struggle or to see life as a struggle. There are challenges, but I don’t choose to see them as a problem or a negative experience.  

I am thankful for all the intimate relationships that did not work out because they were not the ones for me and each one taught me a lesson. I am thankful for all the friends that left me when I was at my darkest moment because these people enlighten  me how to carefully invest in true friendship. I am thankful for this time of being alone in my own space because it has prepared me to understand who I am and to never allow loneliness to rear its ugly head to force me into the fear of running into another dysfunctional relationship so that I would be distracted from continuing on my journey of healing. I am thankful for being sheltered in place, although the world continues to be in chaos I have used this time to center myself in a state of peace. I am thankful for being able to work from home. I am thankful for the gifts and talents I have discovered that keep me free from  thinking that I will spend the rest of my life a slave to punching a time clock.  I am thankful for the friends and family who stuck with me through all of my drama. I am thankful for my blogging community. 

Today is the day that I released that I have a wealth of experiences to share by publishing my books on amazon. I am thankful for the creations of Conversations with J.R. Floyd, that gives me a public voice on all major social media platforms to help others to heal.  It’s been a bumpy and  dark, but amazing journey and I know that life is better because I am making it better. 

Who am I? I am J. R. Floyd , Inspirational Coach, Author, Singer, and Educator, currently works as a College Writing Consultant. A winner of the Jacob A. Weiser play-writing award for her work The Conversation. She was a freelance writer for Street News, and appeared in the gospel play Oh Lord: Why Did I get Married?She is a member of the BMCC Downtown Chorus. Performed at Carnegie Hall in the Manhattan Concert Productions: Let you Voice Be Heard, 2019. Author of The Waiting Game, A Different Flavor of Love & 90 Days of Reflection, Discovery, & Renewal.  

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