The way things used to be

Ladies, may I gentlely suggest that you cease being angry because you were delivered from relationships or a situation that did not honor you, but only brought you pain and brokeness. Despite the negative messages from society being single whether by force or choice should be viewed as a gift and not a death sentence.

Think about this. When you were in that relationship or situationship with the person you thought you couldn’t live without, did you feel safe, respected, loved and protected? Were your needs besides the physical ones attended to or did you feel abandoned? Were your dreams, vision and goals nurtured, supposed and encouraged? How many times promise were broken, lies were told, and you struggled with conflicts of suspected infidelity because you had to worry about them, they, he, she, or her being a part of what you thought was an exclusive situations. And you wonder why you have trust issues.

Did you wait your turn in line because you weren’t a priority? Count the times you gave or lent money because bae, boo, your ride or die knew you wouldn’t say no. You broke up, he, she, they, or them begged their way back into your life. Why, because when your alone you allow feelings of desperation, loneliness, lust, and the voice of others advising you to move on, and you do, you fall right back into the same destructive patterns in the next situationship.

Why am I saying all of this? Because this use to be me. No, my truth doesn’t reflect the experiences of others, but I know that their is more than a few women reading this that have walked in these shoes. I am not a relationship guru, I am a women who have walked on the dark side of more than one dysfunctional situationship. In 2015, I wrote my first book The Waiting Game, where I reveal my personal experiences about how men and women who are emotional broken and how we mistreat each other in relationships.

It’s taken me years to heal from the damage caused by an horrible childhood, and the trauma due to abusive relationships. It wasn’t until I made the choice to put me first, and stood firm on who I would and would not allow in my life as friends and intimate partners. I am truly happy for my journey. I understand the gift of being single and using this time to heal, reflect, renew, and discover who I am, and my path. I am maturing spiritually and developing a stronger emotional foundation. It’s been 4 years and I am learning so much about life. I have discovered the joys of traveling, truly enjoying my own company, I relish my freedom, I protect my peace, and most important, I support, love, encourage, inspire, and provide myself the life I know that I deserve, and it is amazing.

I hope I have inspired you.
Love yourself

In the Spirit of LOVE

Dear Readers,

Someone comes into your life after many seasons of broken and dysfunctional relationships; He/She said “I love you” and the expectation is to respond, “I love you.” What happens when you do not feel this heart-pounding, palm sweaty, gitty LOVE? You are happy with the companionship and camaraderie of the relationship. You have opened your heart to caring for someone who have brought joy in your life that was dark and empty. However, there is the question of LOVE.

You are forced to evaluate your position in the relationship because your partner is not satisfied with how deeply you care for them he/she wants LOVE. What is LOVE? What is this LOVE that leads people to search until they have connected body and soul to their true soul mate; but disappointment comes because the LOVE you thought you found was confused with lust and infatuation. What is the secret for the couples who stayed together for 20, 20, 40 plus years?

I believe that the bond shared between people extend beyond the boundaries of the kind of LOVE that people mentally boxed themselves into. LOVE is a word that people carelessly throw around. LOVE is the reason why some people say they get married. No. you get married because you and your partner have vowed to love, honor, respect, and care for each other, while forsaking all others. These wedding vows have a deeper meaning then saying I LOVE You. We have all know a couple or two that have vowed to love and honor until death does its part, but at the first sign of trouble, they contact a divorce lawyer.

When my father passed I watched my mother stare at his closed casket and after 32 years of marriage, she said,” there goes my best friend.” That was 24 years ago and I still get goose bumps when I recall that moment. People say “I LOVE YOU.” For many different reasons. I say it is the intentions behind and what is in the heart of the person who says “I LOVE YOU.”

I will say this I will never judge a person based on how much I think he/she loves or does not’ love me. People express LOVE in various ways. Because we have our narrow vision of what we want LOVE to be sometimes we miss extraordinary experiences because we close our eyes to LOVE.

Think about this the next time someone holds your hand. When a stranger flashes an authentic smile, the kind that light sparkles in their eyes. When you receive, a hug and the person squeeze you and holds on for a few extra seconds.When you receive a card that say, “Thinking of You.”

When a stranger shows an act of kindness by paying for your coffee. Think about the time when you were at the end of the rope and just when you let go, someone caught you and helped you to hold on. LOVE is in every moment of each day. Do not close your heart, soul and mind to that spirit of love that flows around us every day.

What Say You?

 

Til Death Do Us Part

Dear readers,

I recently attended a wedding for my longtime friend Cindy, and best road dog ever. After missing her for two months due to the honeymoon and the newlyweds moving into their new condo; we finally had a chance to meet at our favorite coffee shop to exchange holiday gifts, and to share our usual sinfully delicious cinnamon bun and hot chocolate.

I couldn’t wait to hear about the happy life of wedded bliss. She showed me pictures of the wedding and honeymoon, and we talked about the unpacking of her fabulous new residence. During the conversation I sensed that she wasn’t enjoying the ecstasy of marriage. I stop the conversation and looked her straight in her eyes and said” this is me your bestie, road dog, and do or die sistah for life, what are you not telling me?” I wasn’t prepared for her answer, it blew my mind.

She said, “I waited for my prince to come, since the disaster of my first marriage, I’ve waited twenty five years, prepared myself, by acquired a good education, and securing the career of my dreams, along the way I’ve had my share of being disappointed, but I held into hope that my prince would come. I’m 55 and Bennie is 8 years my senior. He’s been a hardworking man and will soon retire with a good income, and no plans as to what he will do with himself. My new husband enjoys traveling, something that I can look forward too. He is humorous, generous, attentive, respectful of my needs and supportive of my career goals.”

Me: “Ok. So, what’s the problem?”

Cindy: “Yes, it all sounds good, but on the second day of the honeymoon, I realized that I settled.”

Me: “I’m confused you just rumbled off a list a of positive qualities about Bennie.”

Cindy: “It became clear to me that on our honeymoon he doesn’t have the energy to keep pace with me socially and physically. He is a slow thinker, not very creative, has no hobbies, and he isn’t in the best of health. I knew about his bad knees and the hip, but I found out about the gout and sciatica. Bennie will be able to provide a lovely home for me, but I fear that as he gets older out quality of life will decline and I will become his caretaker.”

Me: “Why didn’t you continue to wait for someone in your age range?”

Cindy: “I settled because I didn’t want to wait too long; and the list of the qualities that I wanted in my partner was getting shorter and shorter. I settled because I lost hope and I didn’t want to risk being along for the reminder of my days. I settled because I felt beaten down by life, I gave up, surrendered my list, shallowed my pride and throw in the towel so to speak.”

Me: “Do you love him?”

Cindy: “I don’t think about that what I have with Bennie is companionship, a great travel partner, a man who is concern for my needs, he knows his duties as a husband and is eager to have me as his wife.”

Me: “Sounds one sided.”

Cindy: “No, it’s not, I will do all that I can to see that Bennie is happy and taken care of. His home will be well-kept, he will eat a well-balanced and healthy diet. We will go to the gym together because he like to try to keep fit. I have every intention of honoring my marriage vows. Anyway, let’s change the subject. I want to tell you about the dinner party me and Bennie will host.”

And just like that Cindy was able to forget all that she said to me. While she talked about the party. My mind went back to all that she had said, and I wondered, how many others have settled, but don’t have the guts to admit it.

What say you