Today is the Day. The Chase is Over.

Dear Readers, 

It all came down to today. This is the day. The chase is over. I am 56 years old and I have finally reached the moment of full clarity, peace and the healing process is getting better and better. The feelings of heaviness, fear, anger, and resentment these emotions and voices will no longer have the power to burden me and whisper to me that I am not worth it. My healing process began in 1992 and at the time I thought that it would take me about a year to heal from the damage of my childhood, an abusive marriage, and what I didn’t know was from years of more abusive relationships that included the intimate relationships and family and friends. Let me tell you this  when you find yourself on the path to healing from emotional, sexual and physical brokenness don’t expect the people closest to you to be supportive, in some cases they are the people who will become obstacles on your journey, and you will have to make the choice to leave them behind with the rest of the wreckage. 

Today is the day that I can release years of pain, suffering, anger, and the struggles of chasing after the unknown. Today is the day I understand that what kept me prisoner was how I was thinking, and becoming a slave to the idea that my life was worthless because I haven’t become the success of the American dream. I don’t own a house, a car, and I don’t make a six figure salary. I berated myself mentally for not getting it right and for having to start over and over. When I think back on how many years that I didn’t feel loved , but search for love and the whole time I didn’t love me because I thought that it was the duty of others to love me, and my anger grew when I didn’t receive love. I  used sex as a means to feel. I was dead inside, but I thought sex would make me feel something, The only result of this behavior was more emptiness and being used as an object of pleasure, and not being cherished as a whole being. 

Today, Friday, July 24, 2020 as I sit in my bedroom with tears flowing, pouring out all the suffering, pain, uncertainty, and years of dying over and over and reliving the same tragedy over and over, I was numb and bitter. I was a slave to depression, eating orders and carrying around the  negative labels that others heaped on me because I believed them. I am not ashamed to say that I never fully experienced a mother’s love, but I am no longer going to allow that to drag me down.  On July 20, 2020, we celebrated my mother’s 76th birthday and I am enjoying the relationship we presently have.  I am no longer struggling, no let me rephrase that I am no longer choosing to struggle or to see life as a struggle. There are challenges, but I don’t choose to see them as a problem or a negative experience.  

I am thankful for all the intimate relationships that did not work out because they were not the ones for me and each one taught me a lesson. I am thankful for all the friends that left me when I was at my darkest moment because these people enlighten  me how to carefully invest in true friendship. I am thankful for this time of being alone in my own space because it has prepared me to understand who I am and to never allow loneliness to rear its ugly head to force me into the fear of running into another dysfunctional relationship so that I would be distracted from continuing on my journey of healing. I am thankful for being sheltered in place, although the world continues to be in chaos I have used this time to center myself in a state of peace. I am thankful for being able to work from home. I am thankful for the gifts and talents I have discovered that keep me free from  thinking that I will spend the rest of my life a slave to punching a time clock.  I am thankful for the friends and family who stuck with me through all of my drama. I am thankful for my blogging community. 

Today is the day that I released that I have a wealth of experiences to share by publishing my books on amazon. I am thankful for the creations of Conversations with J.R. Floyd, that gives me a public voice on all major social media platforms to help others to heal.  It’s been a bumpy and  dark, but amazing journey and I know that life is better because I am making it better. 

Who am I? I am J. R. Floyd , Inspirational Coach, Author, Singer, and Educator, currently works as a College Writing Consultant. A winner of the Jacob A. Weiser play-writing award for her work The Conversation. She was a freelance writer for Street News, and appeared in the gospel play Oh Lord: Why Did I get Married?She is a member of the BMCC Downtown Chorus. Performed at Carnegie Hall in the Manhattan Concert Productions: Let you Voice Be Heard, 2019. Author of The Waiting Game, A Different Flavor of Love & 90 Days of Reflection, Discovery, & Renewal.  

Thank you for stopping by dragthepen.

The VIP Pass

Dear Readers, day 5 of my 10 day writing challenge prompt 5, do you feel like you have a spiritual VIP pass?

Never through of my life as having a spiritual VIP pass. I used to view my life as a series of struggles after struggles, crisis after crisis. I felt that the spirits of the universe were against me, and that my life was supposed to be ugly and difficult. I have given a lot and gained very little. I don’t see myself as a successful person because I don’t have the things that I’ve been striving for. Oh yes, I have a roof over my head, but it’s not mine. I have two-part time jobs but I don’t net the $70.0000 that would give me freedom. People see me as strong, firm, smart, creative, and hardworking. Someone bounce back from setbacks. I have no choice but to bounce back I can’t afford to sit on my butt. I am constantly haunted by the feelings of being a failure. I don’t see any value in what I have done with my life.

Today’s prompt the spiritual VIP pass has led me to thinking about all the wreckage that I have walked away from and not a scratch. I have more than survived I have lived to overcome the darkness to walk in the light. I have been blessed at the 11th hour when it seemed all hope was lost. My spiritual VIP pass helped me to transform from a low wage earning high school dropout to a college grad, educator, professional singer, author, motivational speaker and so much more.. Answering today’s prompt has allowed me to think about the connection of people, places and events that have come into my life even just for a season and down the line I understood the reason. I have held onto and continue to press on with the believe that the power of this universe hears me, helps me, talks to me, protects me, guides me, loves me unconditionally and supplies all of my needs. I have had some bad lows along with a few highs and I am still here. I Don’t quite understand my journey but I am liking the second half of this two act play called life. I have peace like I have never felt before. I remain confident that this spiritual VIP pass will bring to me what I need when I need it.