Women should not be passive but be an active participant when seeking a partner. I am not a relationship expert, psychologist nor do I have answers to fixing relationship problems. dragthepen is an open platform to discuss issues that impact our relationships. With that said, ladies when choosing a partner and noticed I didn’t say husband. Here are a few tips to keep in mind. First, you don’t have to settle. Settling is for women who have given up on who she deserves and takes the cluncker behind door number two and live a life of regret.
Deep in a women heart she desires:
A partner who understands the value of working together for a successful partnership.
A partner who sees her as she is and not who he wants her to be (this is what happens when you settle).
A partner who believes in her goals and vision and is willing to be supportive, proud and patient.
A partner who doesn’t burden her with his emotional baggage and want her to be a therapist.
A partner who doesn’t treat her like his personal maid, cook, and a sexual object.
A partner who understands a womans need for alone time.
A partner who doesn’t asked to go 50/50 on the bills ( ladies that’s called a roommate and a free lay).
Women desire to have a partners they can confident in and not have past experiences or mistakes thrown in her face. Women are tired of litte boys and want men who are emotional mature, stable and is open and ready for a monogamous relationship. Women want a partner who is willing to tell the truth even if it’s going to hurt. A man who knows how to hold her hand when the tears are flowing and embrace her when the world comes crashing down.
Ladies seek a partner who understands that compassion, truth, loyalty, communication, cooperation, support, understanding, patience, and team work will win your heart.
Ladies leave those players, pretender, representatives and visitors alone.
This year dragthepen will host various discussions about Self Care. Why? Because you matter. Your life matters and the quality of your daily life should matter to you.
Self Care: should not be treated as a luxury but as a necessity daily practice that helps to rejuvenate a person’s holistic well being. In other words, your daily practice of self care should be a combination of relaxing and meditative activities that treat your mental health, your soul, the essence of your core of spiritual soul, activities that strengthen your body and final activities that promote a good emotional balance.
Daily self care should not be an occasional trip to the nail salon or weekly happy hour or that once a year vacation. A daily practice of self care in this hectic society should include awareness of our eating habits, sleep patterns, exercise, how much television we watch and the content of what we are watching.
Question, what does yourself care practice look like in your home? Are you teaching your children how to be kind to themselves and not allow society to shape their thinking with distorted images of who they should be? Husbands, wives, partners, brothers, sisters, mother, daughters, father and sons, what do you do when you notice that your loved one is exhausted, emotionally broken, repeating harmful patterns in their life? We have to teach each other about the power of self-reflection and self care and knowing when it is time to step back, breathe, slow down and push the reset button.
We have been taught that we are our brothers and sisters’ keepers, but we are living in a society where we look the other way when those we claim to love and hold in high esteem need a lesson in self care. This conversation will continue.
Let’s make self care a daily practice and not an occasional treat.
Dear Readers, in 2018 I made the discussion to end my engagement. The choice was painful, l had to be honest with myself I was going into the marriage for all the wrong reasons. For a period of time, I felt lost, broken, unloved and unwanted. I decided to journal my way through the healing process and what I’ve discovered about myself was life changing. The biggest lesson I don’t have to settle to be happy. Read 90 Days of Reflection, Discovery & Renewal.
The Conversation is a collection of my short stories, poems, my award-winning play and an intimate conversation with my mother.
It is not your responsibility to change someone or make them into someone different. People are capable of change, but that should be their decision. When we encounter people, the choice is to either accept them for who they are or move on. I know that it is not easy learning to deal with other people’s pet peeves, faults, and what we see as habits. Ladies there is no prince charming so get your head out of the fairy tales, and rethink revising that long wish list of requirements for what you think will be the perfect mate. Men stop fantasizing about Beyonce or Kim Kardashian. Those are plastic Barbie dolls surgical enhanced superficial women who will not look twice at your sagging belly and receding hairline. People snap out of your daydreams and look at the person in front of you growing with disappointment because you wish she or he would change.
There is nothing wrong with wanting to be with a physically attractive person, however sometimes beautiful people come with ugly souls and bad characteristics. It is not our responsibility to nag people into becoming the ideal mate according to the impossible Standards of beauty and materialistic needs. I have learned from years of bad choices and reading and believing self-help relationship books about ” how to have the man of my dreams” for years I worked out and starved myself to create a body that men would like, only to be ignored and ill-treated. Do not feel sorry for me this was my fault, why, because the men I encountered did not asked me to change. If they were getting their needs met, they did not care about changing me because I was already what they wanted weak and desperate.
I spent thousands on clothes, hair, make up, lingerie and time and energy to improve myself to be better, so when my prince arrived there would be nothing about me that needed to change or improve. Oh, how shallow was my thinking. I was preoccupied with my outer appearance that I was not paying attention to the fact that I was suffering from low self-worth. When people struggle with low self-esteem and self-worth that is when others prey upon them because people who struggle with lack of self-confidence will allow people to change them because of the desperation to be like, love and belong.
I strived and arrived at the age of fifty-eight. Learned many lessons through difficult experiences that did make me stronger, wiser, and proceeding with caution. I do not wish for people to change to suit me because I have learned to let people be who they are and keep checking on who I am. Remember the saying, ” be careful what you wish for because you just might get it”. When you create the monster, you must learn to live with what you created.
Have you noticed the new movement of motivational speakers and relationship experts who claim their sole purpose is to help people discover the hidden secrets of how to have a loving and lasting intimate relationships. There are thousands of books and videos posted on soical media by these self proclaimed relationship experts who earn income form speaking engagements, books and relationship workshops all at the expense of broken hearts and lost souls searching for love.
Women are pouring into relationship conferences that charge a fee to hear what they are doing wrong in their relationships, and how to attract the right partner. I’ve been unsuccessful in love, so I began to pay attention to these relationship experts, and invested money in books and workshops. For the most part I found some of the information useful and discovered areas in my life that needed improvement. But, I am not going to shoulder all the blame for not having successful relationships. Why? Because overtime while attending these relationship workshops I began to notice a trend, most experts heaped the blame for failed relationships on women.
The ideology of these experts seems to centered around advising women to be better, raise their standards, don’t date out side their league, stop chasing men, stop making life easy for men, stop having sex, stop wanting marriage, and wait for the man to make the first move. There theory is that It is the duty of women to guard their virginity because men don’t women who’ve been around the block too many times. Men want good girls, you know the saying, ” sugar and spice and everything nice.” While being a nice girl, women should concentrate on securing an education, building a career, and a solid credit score, and finances in preparation for Prince Charming. And when he comes all her aspiration should shift to serving her family and creating a happy home. I say, most of their expert advice is ” B. S.” and sexism.
Most of the dating resources and advice claim that woman are not supposed to change the rules of dating. A womans position is to be meek, humble, submissive, and attentive to her mans needs. Some relationship experts explain that women contribute to the deterioration of a relationship due to them pursuing careers over a relationship, marriage and children. The experts also suggest that most men leave their homes or have outside relationships because their current partner is not meeting their needs.
I won’t bore you with a list of books, YouTube channels, and podcasts focused on educating women in the ways of how to get and keep a man. I don’t want my readers to think that I am discouraging women from seeking advice to help them find a partner or to save a failing relationship. I am suggesting” let the buyer beware” before dooming themselves to a life of being a spinster. Ladies decide for yourself the information that will or will not be helpful because the bottom line is it takes two to tangle.
Have you ever been engaged in a conversation with another person about problems that you’re experiencing, but the other person completely disregards your concerns and makes the conversation about them? I was talking to a sister friend about my decision to join a gym to focus on my mental and emotional health and at the same time addressing my physical health. I made this choice after several sessions with my therapist who helped me to understand that I have been suffering from pandemic fatigue, a term unknown to me. I thought I was experiencing simple depression, and with the threat of another virus I’ve become increasingly concerned about the quality of my life. My therapist helped me to understand that this was brought on by the pandemic. I missed working out and homeworks is not helping as much. So, I put my fear aside and joined a gym.
Anyway, out of my excitement I called a close friend of mine to meet me at my favorite coffee lounge to share my good news. However, during our conversation she completely caught me off guard by her lack of compassion and listening skills. It seemed to me that she was condemning me for the choices that I made to regain some balance in my life, and she dumped all of her issues on me. The Conversation went something like this. .
Me: Thanks for meeting me for coffee. I needed to get out of the house and just breathe.
Sister friend: I felt the same way glad you called.
Me: Since the cold weather is setting in there aren’t many places I am willing to go in doors.
Sister friend: Indoors or outdoors no place is safe.
Me: Well, that’s true, but at least here they are checking for vaccine cards and the staff wears masks. I did feel better during the summer when people could spread out. I enjoyed the outside dining.
Sister friend: Inside or outside, if the virus is going to get you it won’t matter where you were.
Me: Sipping my coffee in silence.
Sister friend: What have you been up to?
Me: Doing my best to be productive, positive and stay safe.
Sister friend: Stay safe, stay safe I am so tired of hearing people say that.
Me: What else do you expect people to say, and with the news of yet another variant of this virus people don’t even know if what they are already doing is keeping them safe.
Silence..
Sister friend: Anyway, is anything new happening?
Me: Yes, I am so excited! I stopped procrastinating and joined the gym. I am done with the pandemic weight. I needed another place to connect to people. So, ready to get my workout on.
Sister friend: Girl are you crazy? You talking about staying safe and you’re going to a gym?
Me: Yes. I thought about it. I need to start rebuilding my health. I’ve been feeling off balance. I did my research, the gym is near my house, they only allow 25 percent capacity, fully vaccinated people only, they take your temp, there is a mask mandate, and it is clean.
Sister Friend: Girl, I wouldn’t dare go in a place where there is so much sweat and germs, people breathing out God knows what. And what do you mean your off balance?
Me: Before I could answer-
Sister friend: From where I sit you’re doing great. I’ve been dealing with creditors calling me, still behind on my rent, squeezing pennies to buy food, and I might not have cable next month. To make matters worse, Christmas will be here soon and I don’t have money to buy gifts, so this means I won’t be getting anything. You know how some people are if you don’t give, you don’t get. And it’s been a long time since I had a professional mani-pedi. And the only thing you’re worried about is a few extra pounds? Here is a suggestion that will save you the gym membership, stop eating. ( laughing ). Girl you know I am only kidding.
Me: Smiling.
After that rant I didnt go into details about my conversation with my therapist, and how I’ve been feeling depressed more than usual, and my fears about going through the winter shut indoors alone. I wanted to ask her about all the unemployment money she received on top of the stimulus checks. I dare not go there. I left the coffee lounge feeling like the bad girl who’d been chastised for getting caught with my hands in the cookie jar.
At last count I heard it’s been almost two years since all hell broke loose and we were ordered to shelter in place. Presently, I am feeling worn down due to the everlasting threat of the Virus.
For a long time I’ve pretended to be okay. I expected the fact that I had to stay home, be careful about were I go, not allow people into my house, double mask for the two days I take public transportation to work. I rarely ventured out to family dinners in fear of not knowing who’s been around who.
I’ve been walking on the outside of the school yard to help get rid of the twenty pounds of coronavirus weight. I am afraid to go back to my gym, and when I visit my nail salon, I beg for an early morning appointment and wear a mask and face shield.
I ceased accepting invites to dine out because outdoor dinning isn’t fun in the cooler temps, I live in New York City and baby it’s getting cold outside. I recently book a ticket on Amtrak to visit my mother in South Carolina, ignoring the suggestion to have a virtual celebration. my mother is 78 years old and she deserves to have family around during the holidays.
Why am I saying all of this? It’s taken me a few months to understand how living in fear has taken a mental and emotional toll. I am exhausted just from worrying. Staying at home turned my once toned body into a lump of Jell-O. My sleeping schedule is like riding on a roller coaster to the point that I am taking melatonin. Getting dressed up and wearing make up such a task that I don’t bother anymore.
A few weeks ago when I was at worse, I took a deep breath, and said out loud,” this is madness complete madness I can’t continue on like this or I will end up in the nut house.” So, I took matters into my own hands. I said, ” self as silly and fearful as this sounds we are going to have to learn to live with this virus.”
I carfully looked at my opinions. I teach a college course two days online, instead of staying home both days, I gladly go to the school, and sit in my office leaving the door open, and wear my mask. I have a great view of the Hudson River and I placed a chair at the door for people to sit and talk. It’s going on week four and it’s been great connecting to people.
On Tuesdays, I am back with my chours. Most of the members are vaccined we wear masks and socially distance during the entire rehearsal. When the college reached and asked if I wanted to work extra hours on Wednesday’s, for academic coaching to help the students who are struggling to adjust to online and distance learning, I proudly and eagerly said yes.
The fear is still there but it’s getting less and less, in other words, I don’t allow fear to dance on top of my head drowning me in a pit of sorrow and depression. I am working on adopting a small dog, so I won’t feel alone and walking a dog will get me out of the house. The other two days I have my part-time gig in a group home.
With that said, I look forward to my Thanksgiving trip to see mother, and planning my March birthday trip to Vegas, in addition to my advanced booking for the Easter three day retreat in the beautiful country side of Connecticut. I have not made up my mind what I am going to do about going back to the gym, but in the meantime, I will push myself to get back into working out at home and take more outside walks.
I am feeling better and don’t view the world as a dangerous place. I continue to be cautious, but I am happy for the small changed I have made to improve the quality of my life and lessen my depression.
Thank you for listening you’ve been a great audience.
dragthepen 